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hmm life is hard, everyday... so again, what do i write about, how i had fun today going over v's or how at church i couldn't help but feeling the need to cry at every song that was sung....at every thing that was said....at every person who came up to me. i'd like to just not write about it, but the fact is, i won't be able to stop thinking about it, until i get it out there. now during the greeting and stuff, both A and B came up to me. they both asked if i was ok, told me they loved me and asked if they could give me a hug. so i hugged them. what's the big deal about that? they feel the need to ask before they give me a hug because i'm so unapproachable to some ppl like them, i'm supposed to be the closest to those girls and i know they think they gotta ask to hug me cause i give off that impression or whatever when i'm around them. but here's the thing that just got me totally sad, the fact that fri. night i hugged so many of those girls, mostly without thinking. i ran up and hugged kristen when she came in, hugged amanda when i saw her, hugged amy...and when i was leaving, i hugged em all. i know i even said love ya to them, but to A and B i didn't even respond. fri night it was like i was light hearted and free with my friends there but i'm so closed up around these girls. why is it so hard for me to be vulnerable or whatever with certain ppl and especially the people who probably know the most about me? is that it? is it because i know they know the real me or what? then how come it's also easy to talk to my virtual friends? is it because i've never seen them before? it just makes me feel bad that i seem to either not be able to or not want their friendship and i'm scared that i feel it might be the last of those sometimes. it's just so hard for me to like everybody even if it's just a little. ok so i had to get that out... now bout today, i just had fun, being away from my house and my family, but here's the thing, i come home and my mom and i start yelling about stuff again...is there any way possible that i can just move out now and survive? no. but sometimes i think it would be easier. but then it'd also be escaping my problems, but it's jut too much to cope with sometimes. i mean even when i'm at home, what do i do? i stay on here most of the time, or lock myself in my room with musik or a book...and now i better get off cause i just remembered i have to finish filling out my act packet so i can send it in tomorrow and my mom won't yell at me again...so until then... ~~me |
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-- 7/26/04 -- Leave Your Baggage Behind Don't you hate dragging a load of luggage through an airport? How would you feel if you had to tote a couple of suitcases, backpacks, and carry-on bags everywhere you went? What torture! And you sure wouldn't get very far very fast. Similarly, on the journey along God's way, you won't get very far very fast if you are loaded down with a lot of emotional baggage. Our fourth principle for finding God's way to success in your life is to leave your baggage behind. The more junk you get rid of from your past, the easier it will be to navigate through the future. What kind of baggage are we talking about? Let me answer by introducing a concept we call finishing. From time to time we all experience difficult, painful events and relationships. For example, someone hurts you physically or emotionally, your parents divorce or a girlfriend or boyfriend breaks up with you, you make a serious mistake that hurts someone, you lose a loved one in a tragic accident. Ideally, these painful events are resolved in good time. Offenses are confessed, offenders are forgiven, conflicts are resolved, and die incident is finished. We no longer have to carry those burdensome fears and feelings. However, many times our hurts do not get resolved as they should. Pain is stuffed instead of dealt with. Offenders are not forgiven, fears are not confronted, conflicts are not resolved. In other words, there is no appropriate finishing. As a result, we carry with us from the past feelings and patterns of behavior which impact our relationships and activities in the present, often in a negative way. That's baggage, and baggage doesn't go away until it is dealt with or finished. ~~ 4. FORGIVE OTHERS. Some of the baggage you carry is the result of being hurt by others. You may be the victim of a parent's lack of love and acceptance. Or perhaps you were betrayed by a partner, abandoned by a friend, dishonored by someone, or misled by a spiritual leader. You were wronged in some way, and you still carry the pain, anger, and perhaps hatred from that offense. If you are going to leave your baggage behind, you must forgive those who have wounded you. Take your cue from God, who has forgiven your sins. If you don't forgive, your resentment will continue to eat away at your heart and keep you from the freedom you seek on God's way. Your forgiveness of others does not mean you deny that someone has hurt you, nor does it mean you must trust that person again. The future of your relationship depends on many factors. But forgiveness is about resolving the past. It is about clearing up what has already happened. It is about canceling the debt someone owes you. That's what it means to forgive. You are saying that the offender no longer owes you, that you are releasing him or her from all grudges, penalties, and retribution. So leave the baggage of past hurts behind. Forgiveness is your ticket of freedom to go forward in your life. 5. EXAMINE YOUR WAYS. Another part of our baggage relates to patterns of behavior we learned in past, painful situations. You may have learned dysfunctional patterns for dealing with life, relationships, risk, and love, and these patterns are causing you problems now and holding you back from what God has for you. Take a close look at how you live. If you have trouble allowing people to get close to you, examine that pattern to see how it is limiting your relationships. If you tend to avoid conflict, examine that pattern to see how it is actually prolonging conflict. If you have learned to avoid any risk in an attempt to control your environment, notice how that pattern has imprisoned you. Behavior patterns from your past may be ruining your present life. Examine your ways of dealing with people and problems which may be trapping you in the past. Allow God to make a way for you into a better future by helping you let go of the patterns of the past. 6. SEE YOURSELF THROUGH NEW EYES. Another kind of baggage we carry around is the distorted view of ourselves we learned in past relationships or situations. We see ourselves through the people who love us and sometimes through the eyes of those who don't. Our self-concept is a relational vision. We tend to look at ourselves through the eyes of others who are important to us. This is why some people suddenly blossom in healthy new relationships where they are valued as God's creation. It is also how other people grow to loathe themselves in relationships where they are devalued and mistreated. How do you see yourself? Is your self-view realistic? Is it balanced with strengths and value as well as weaknesses and growth areas? Do you see yourself as loved? If you are going to move forward in your life and find God's way for you, you must begin to see yourself realistically through the eyes of those who really love you. Begin by taking a look at yourself through God's eyes, for he loves you unconditionally and values you highly. Add to this the images you get from your dearest and most trusted relationships-those who love you as God does. This new you will begin to replace the distorted picture that has caused you such grief. LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST In the Bible, when God rescued Lot and his wife from wicked Sodom and Gomorrah, he warned them against looking back. But Lot's wife was unable to let go of people and things in her past. She looked back and turned into a pillar of salt (see Genesis 19:17-26). Jesus used her as an example when teaching us to let go of harmful things that keep us from him. He said, "Remember Lot's wife!" (LUKE 17:32). Holding on to the baggage of the past will disable you for your journey with God. His way out is to deliver you from the hurt, unforgiveness, and dysfunctional patterns of your past. Ask him to show you how to leave your baggage behind. *Content from What to Do When You Don't Know What to Do by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend -- ok so this is just something i found, decided to share with you all, anyone who reads this. but yeah, wish i could write more but i can't, i'm somehow unable to form the right words. i will say this, the days have been happier but nights still get me down...oh yeah, i'm going to a sleepover tonight, that should be fun... ~until then... ~me |
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-- Matthew 11:28-29(the message) 28"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. 29Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. -- Gosh, can't help but like the way the message words things. i mean really...i remember reading this a long time ago and saving it somewhere, but i happened to find it again today. i don't know how i find these things, it just happens. maybe cause i needed to read it, maybe cause i feel tired, worn out, and burnt out on religion...but still haven't come to God, sorta but not really. it's not like i'm happy with the way my life is now, i even got a devtional now that i started, it just all seems hard, or i've been too lazy, probably that seems more reasonable... i finally got to bike again today and it felt so great...i hadn't biked in three days so i had all this energy plus i slept for 12 hrs last night. i don't remember the last time i did that but it's so much better than 5 or 6. anyways, on my bike i just pedaled as fast as i could and went twice as long as i usually do at a very high speed. i don't know where all the energy came from....maybe from all the frustration and angry and whatever else that has been allowed to build up inside me for the past three days that i haven't bike rided. but it felt so good to get it out....not that i'm feeling really happy now, i'm not but it helps to get all of it out for the moment. i really don't have much else to say, gotta be going to do what? nothing really... i don't have anything important to do besides hw, but that can wait til Sun. night. ~later. |
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now about yesterday, it was ok, not real bad as you could see from the previous blog but i was just starting to get really bored at night. it was too dark to go outside to read more and i was tired of reading so much anyways. nobody was online for the longest time...but it was all ok til my brother came down around 11:30... ya know what i really don't feel like doing this now, i'm just still so angry, i'll finish it later... ~ ok, so now it's really late and my mom recently told me i have to get off by 10 on school nights but it's past that time...my dad was on the phone earlier and i told my mom i won't have time on the computer to type what i need to type...i guess she thought i meant hw since she said i could stay on til 11 tonight. so that's good.... so i went to church this morning and they seem to just put me where they need me with the preschoolers now. i really like the 4 year olds and was really looking forward to playing with them today after a horrible night yesterday. but then i got put in with the 2 year olds in the nursery part of the church. it means they're the youngest two year olds. i still knew 1 or 2 of em but i really like the older preschoolers and i wish i could just stay in one room instead of being moved around all the time. they were a handful too and some wouldn't even talk to me. and then this week i had to go to the worship for second service since i'm now out of dgroup. and it was hard, really hard cause i didn't wanna be seen by anyone i knew because i didn't wanna tell them why i was in there. so i saw ppl i knew but i'm hoping they didn't see me. i don't want to do that every week, to feel like i'm hiding from everyone, to sit by myself and just think about...well whatever i think about when i'm in the service. i can never fully concentrate. i'm always thinking about what to say to someone, what to write on my blog, what happened yesterday, that was probably what i was thinking about. but what happened that morning is what happens every single sunday night when i go to service. i feel overwhelmed, really depressed, the need to cry at every song, every word said, seeing ppl around me...i go crazy. tonight at chuch it almost happened. i almost let the tears spill over my cheeks but i still held back. i hate the feeling of needing to cry and i hate the fact that it comes so many times on sunday nights. now it's happening in the mornings too. haha my mom just found out i wasn't typing anything for school. i don't care. this is more important anyway. i still didn't tell her what i was doing, just typing... so right after i got home i went on the longest bike ride ever. i rode and rode and rode. i rode for an hour. well i came back and took a 5 min. break so i could get a drink of water, but after that i jumped back on my bike...i thought it'd help but it didn't just like this really doesn't help but it needs to come out cause i need to tell someone. well i guess i better talk about yesterday before i got to go. i was down on the internet and my brother came down. it was around 11:30 and he kept telling me i'd been on long enough and it was his turn. he's not even allowed on anymore so i don't know why he kept telling me that. i was just ignoring him for the longest time. he took some plastic screwdriver he uses for his cares and kept drilling it in my ear. he probably did that for about 10 min without me saying anything. i figured he'd stop after awhile. he didn't. he kept going, he also got it tangled in my hair and then when he hit me on the head with it, i was done. so i just tried to grab it from him so i could continue what i was doing. so then he hit me. and hit me again. and he wouldn't stop. so then i was fighting him back cause well i was defending myself. and i seriously believe that. i know when me and my dad fight, i know it's partly my fault. but i would never just start hitting my brother back like that cause i know he hurts back. so when he was choking me and holding me down i kept scratching at him cause that's the only thing i can do, but that wasn't working. i was stuck and i was being chocked so i finally just bit his arm hard. and then again. and i finally got free but by then he's really mad and he'll just swing and swing at me when he's like that. he kept reaching for the power button on the computer cause he thought he'd turn it off on me since i was on and he wasn't. so i kept pushing his hand away and he kept punching. oh and did i mention i finally got the screwdriver or whatever it was. so i used that when he kept trying to punch me cause holding up my arms to protect myself doesn't help it just hurts so i held up the screwdriver. well after awhile my dad came down to stop the fighting, so he starts screaming at the top of his lungs and starts fighting my brother. this is just getting nowhere cause my brother just gets more and more angry. i would too if dad was trying to fight me. he finally forces my brother upstairs and then my dad and mom are screaming back and forth cause my mom doesn't think my dad's right in the way he handled the situation. that's why i didn't call him for help. that's why i just decided to try to defend myself against my brother. sometimes he really scares me but i felt i could handle him this time. it's not like either of us were screaming either but i guess my dad heard me tripping over boxes and stuff falling and that's why he ran down here. by then it was midnight so i turned off the computer after i exited all my programs i had running. if my brother had just waited, i was getting off...it just takes time. not that he's allowed on anyways. plus it was late. so i went in my room and locked the door. i'm shaking really bad now and the tears come, i can't do anything but lay in bed and then my mom keeps knocking at the door cause she's trying to figure out what went on cause my brother says i hit him first. that's what makes me really sick the fact that he would do all that, annoy me, contiously bug me, and hit me on the head and then say i hit him first. he's always lying like that. i don't answer the door cause i just want her to go away, i want my arms to stop stinging, i want to stop shaking, and i really just wanna stop living. i'm so sick of the same stuff happening. and then after a few min, my mom unlocks the door and starts yelling at me for fighting with my brother until i can finally tell her what happened. then when she finally leaves, i just don't feel as safe, i was gonna journal and read my devtional but didn't feel safe doing either cause i didn't know when the next time she would unlock my door and come in. it took me awhile before i trusted starting to cry again...but once i heard my mom and dad yelling again, the musik went on and the tears came out. i couldn't lay down for over half an hr, i just sat there because i was so worked up i couldn't breathe laying down and i was still shaking. i know i cried for almost an hr straight and i didn't feel any better in the morning when i had to get up around 7:30. and then for some reason the KJ-52 song Where Were You just kept playing over and over again in my head...well certain parts and i wasn't even listening to that. and it's about kj getting beat by his drunk dad and i don't relate to that. but maybe i was thinking of it cause i relate to the pain. it seems like everybody has pain and it hurts. mine really hurts right now and this is what kept going through my mind."as time passed my heart ran cold my emotions froze". cold heart, no emotions. who could say it better than KJ? i really don't know what else to write, my fingers aren't leading me anymore...i'm sick to my stomach, i'm sick of my brother, i'm sick of my life... but on the other hand i did go out driving sat. afternoon and my mom let me drive the car instead of the toaster van. it was much more comfortable...but that just seems so small now compared to what has happened since... i really need to do my hw, or maybe not. i really don't care much about school anymore, it doesn't matter, there's only a couple more weeks left. ha i was going to do some extra credit assignment for chemistry to get 15 points on my test. i checked online to see the grade i got. failed it. got a 55% on it. i could really use 15 points, but then who has time for homework on the weekends? esp. when you're family is stressing you out... ~~ |
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ok so i thought i'd start with a poem in the bible...i couldn't decide which version was better so i put both...they both express what i've been feeling... Psalm 13:1-2(NIV) 1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Psalm 13:1-2(the message) 1Long enough, GOD- you've ignored me long enough. I've looked at the back of your head long enough. 2Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain. Long enough my arrogant enemies have looked down their noses at me. I was looking in my old backpack of locked up memories again today and i found that verse written on a piece of paper, i also found one of my own poems which again i thought was horrible and it isn't the best, but it's just an expression of my emotions. i think i wrote it out of anger in a bout 5 min. i dated it and put a time on it. it was written January 1, 2005 at 1:00 in the morning. New Year's....so i don't know what you did on your new year's but here's what i did... Times of Trouble The hurt inside me always comes back The loneliness settles into my heart All I seem to do is yell and scream At my brother to leave me alone ...all day long... I'm sick of my life, sick of my home I'm lonely but I can't be alone So if I can't be alone, I call a friend Hoping, Wishing, Dreaming of staying with her, away from my home Not today she says, call you tomorrow Eagerly I wait, and wait, and wait My eagerness turns to anger and sadness too, why didn't she call? I don't have a clue Needing to leave, get out of the house But no one to call, no one to ask The realization hits me, I cry to myself She's the only friend I had And I have lost her too... So again I'm feeling all alone in this world My depressing thoughts of suicide return I want a way out, don't want to deal with the mess The hurt, the pain, and the loneliness I thought I had a best friend I know now I am wrong Cause the tears on my face show I'm alone Regretting the phone call Cause it revealed the truth Wishing it was warm out so I could go away Far away on my wonderful bike And get all the anger out of myself For now I'll write this hoping to feel better Releasing my tears for no one to see No one to hear, and no one to comfort me i'm not mad at her anymore, writing things just gets it out, my anger, though we still aren't the best of friends, i'm willing to work on that soon hopefully...the rest of my journaling i did in my real journal, which was weird since i haven't in so long, i just wanted to post this poem for some reason...oh and i still am feeling awful but Joan of Arcadia Seson 1 comes out tomorrow, maybe i'll go get it after i see my counselor...that will make me happy for a little while... i hope you're not getting sick of KJ-52's lyrics yet, maybe i'll listen to something else this week... ~~ |