Archives: March 2005, April 2005, May 2005, June 2005, July 2005, August 2005, September 2005, October 2005, November 2005, December 2005, January 2006, February 2006, March 2006, April 2006, May 2006, June 2006, July 2006, August 2006, September 2006, October 2006, November 2006, December 2006, January 2007, February 2007, March 2007, April 2007, May 2007, June 2007, October 2007, November 2007, December 2007, January 2008
My Blogs Next Page


rain_drop and I know your life is worth more than you can see~seventh day slumber - Subscribe
i've been busy again...busy and very tired. so update on our basement. the drywall was fixed monday and we get new carpet..but who knows when that's being put in. since the insurance company is paying for all this....well, they are being very slow about it. so the computer is still sitting right here in the kitchen...for everybody to look over my shoulder..when they're around...so here goes a shot at this...as quick as i possibly can.

monday i also went to see the psychiatrist again cause i needed more meds...i told him what i thought about needing them til i get through a little college..he said he made sense on one hand and on the other it didn't..and then starting talking blah blah about medical stuff, i dunno..but i'm staying on them..that's all that matters i guess...

and last week was my last day of counseling. i am finally "better" and it feels pretty good...knowing that i am ok...but i am gonna miss her. and last sat. was my last week of work for tutoring the dyslexic children so tomorrow i get to sleep in! how great is that? and last sat. i also babysat for jen and michelle's small group while they got together one last time because they are gonna split up their group. they are adding new ppl to the group and it'll just be too big. so that was kinda their last get together. oh yah and to continue on last week's week of lasts...wed. was the last wed. night programming i'll ever help out with for a long long time...casue there is no wed. night church in the summer and by fall, i'll be in college...

last friday was senior prom..which i skipped. i just didn't want to go. i thought about it though. we got out of school early though, i got home around 10:30 and went over to amanda's house to hang out and play. i pretty much spent the day there. then i got home around 6 and fell asleep til 2 in the morning when i realized i had to prepare my lesson for work in the morning..so i did that and went back to bed. it's funny cause i got to tell ppl i slept right through my prom..yup, sure did. that was great.

this week i've been pretty busy too. sunday after church i went over jennifer's and amanda's house, we were going to go to the movies, but amanda just wanted to play so we did that.

monday i also babysat amanda at the house because her parent's small group was meeting at the house.

tuesday, wednesday, and thursday i was so exhausted i napped when i got home from school..and i walked later on with my mom and two neighbors cause walking is good for you..and mostly so i could wake up before i did my homework.

today i babysat amanda and jacob for a couple hours. i was just finished giving them baths when the parents came home, but i just stayed and hung out for awhile. when the kids were finally in bed, jennifer and i watched the first episode of everwood. she likes that show and i let her borrow the first season. and earlier today i was on the trampoline with my sister reading. we pretty much stayed out all day long. it was a nice day. this morning i had my sweatshirt and pants on but by the afternoon it had warmed up. and my face got sunburnt. hmm...

oh yeah and i got a summer job. i'll be babysitting a 6 year old girl named marley 3 days a week from about 9-3. her mom's name is....jennifer..yes another jennifer. and they live almost right across the street from amanda's house. that neighborhood also has a community pool so i can take her there. it should be fun. marley and her mom stopped by amanda's tonight when i was babysitting so they could get to know me and i could do the same as well...she seems like a really great kid...very talkative..but then so is amanda so i'm kinda used to it.

oh and one last thing. while i was on the internet thursday, brit IMed me right before i got off...and we talked for a bit. i hadn't talked to her in a long time, since i told myself i just wasn't going to bother with her anymore and that if she wanted to, i'd let her be the first..and she was. it's been a long time but she did talk to me. and today she left a comment on my myspace. i still don't think we'll ever really do something together...but hey, at least she's talking to me. and yes, that makes me happy. so i wish i could write more...*sigh* but i'm exhausted and off to bed with hopes of being back soon~!
1 Comments
Mood: uplifted

rain_drop here's a few things that I like now~kj-52 May 7th, 2006 3:19:26 am - Subscribe
books i've read...in the month of...
march


Return by: Karen Kingsbury
Rejoice by: Karen Kingsbury
Reunion by: Karen Kingsbury
Web of Lies by: Brandilyn Collins
Intimidation by: Wanda L. Dyson


books i've read in the month of...
april

Even Now by: Karen Kingsbury
Fame by: Karen Kingsbury
Forgiveness by: Karen Kingsbury
On this Day by: Melody Carlson
Made of Honor by: Marilynn Griffith
My Life as a Doormat by: Rene Gutteridge
Firstborn by: Robin Lee Hatcher
Changes of Heart by: Paige Lee Elliston
It's Not About Me by: Max Lucado
Abduction by: Wanda L. Dyson
0 Comments
Mood: cool

rain_drop the media feeds the youth a false reality of what it takes to make yourself happy~john reuben May 9th, 2006 7:07:00 pm - Subscribe
so i was on myspace the other day..reading ppl's blogs...it inspired me for some reason to blog on there, which i did...and well, thought i'd put it on here..since this is where i should have put it in the first place....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

just a little bit further


one thing everyone seems to write about is college...sometimes i wonder why i chose the college i did..i heard amazing things about it and it's far away so i can finally get away from home. it's what i've been wanting to do for the past three years i think, get away from home and everyone here. i didn't like anyone here, no real friends, nobody i'd really miss...until last year when i started volunteering with the preschoolers at church..every sunday...then it became each service on sunday...until now. overflow is no longer on sunday nights so i have no excuse for being with the kids both hours and skipping church. today they really needed me in there second service. some teachers didn't show..helpers were scarce...they were combining classrooms and i could've just stepped in there one last time..but one lady told me last week was my last time to work both services..so i headed to service. but i found someone to sit with..one of my friends i have made within the past few months. along with all the young children i became close with...i also came close to their parents as well. now everyone around me told me i needed to make friends, find someone to hang out with, do something with. i was told i needed to go out more, stop sitting around at home...bored...but every weekend, no phone call for me..no one wanted to hang out with me and partly that was my fault, distancing myself from anyone who even had the potential to be a friend. looking back, i know it was my fault but at the same time i couldn't help feeling the need for a friend. nobody can. everyone needs someone to love..someone to care for them...someone to talk to. i found my friends in the adult crowd. there's a few of them now. i go over their house, hang out with their kids, and talk to them. it's great, fun...and it's better than anything i could have ever expected. the only thing is..in the fall, when college comes, i'll be moving four hours away..away from it all. i'm not just a babysitter to these women...they are my friends too..the first ppl who i've allowed myself to be absolutely vulnerable to...ones who help me out, talk...and just ppl to hang with. even though i can still communicate with them online..it won't be the same. and then the children. give a three year old a few months without me..and they'll forget all about me. that's about the saddest thing i can think of that will happen right now. sure i'll probably miss my family, my sister, and these great friends i have now...but to come back from college and visit with them and their kids...to see how much the kids will grow in the months i am gone..it'll break my heart, i know it will...and i don't know how i'll ever survive if these kids forget who i am...if they stop yelling my name to get my attention every time they see me, or running up to get me a great big hug, or a simple smile, a kiss on the cheek...these kids are my life, the most meaningful part of me. it's because of them that i am who i am today. i know have a hopeful future ahead for me..my past is my past..and i'm through with that...college is coming. i know i'll be back to visit..and i know i'll meet new kids down there at some church...but it still won't be the same as going over to jennifer's house every week to hang out with her and amanda..or going over to michelle's on friday nights and our late night talks once blake and riley are in bed. no, it won't be the same at all...and i wonder why, with a few months til college, did i have to get so attached to these young children...and so close to these adults. why couldn't i just be miserable for a few more months...stuck my whole life in this grind and now that i'm finally free..stretching myself, growing, putting myself out there, i'm about to leave it all behind. i want to spend every moment possible with these kids and their parents before i go away... happy.gif


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and i got one comment, and it was from brit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hey i think that you going away will be a good thing. for one thing i think you will begin to make friends around your age...like close friends. something i dont have either. i know how you feel when you say you dont have that one close friend. but you know thats why i am so excited to go to college. i am so glad that you are doing better and you seem so happy now. i love you rain_drop and i miss you. we need to get together soon.
love,
brit
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i guess i didn't stress enough how i am happy with these adult friends i have now...i dunno, i was just getting some thoughts out. i just like talking to adults better, but it was nice she took the time to read it, comment, and suggest we hang out soon. i decided before i was done trying to get her to do stuff with me, that i'd leave it to her if she wanted to...well, now she's mentioning it, who knows?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

also, a girl i know, sorta a friend, saw me in the hall today and told me she read my myspace blog the other night..and she also said she loved me. yeah right i thought. when's the last time i hung out with her? oh..i don't really mean that..it's good that she thinks she loves the person she thinks i am...oh well, i'll be gone in a couple months.

oh yeah, and i also created a new template for my myspace that i really love!!! joan of arcadia background. happy.gif i love it!
0 Comments
Mood: wondering

rain_drop ignore them if you can but i doubt you will~john reuben May 10th, 2006 2:49:30 am - Subscribe
have you ever experience heartache? suffering? depression? a sudden hopelessness or just any kind of hurt? if you have--have you ever been in a situation where ppl start talking about their friends who are going through something exactly similar to what you have experienced? how do you feel about this? do you say anything about what you went through..or do you just keep your secrets quiet because you still don't want anybody there to know what you went through? or does it make you so angry you want to shout at them what you went through and how they don't understand.

ahh..i'm probably just really confusing you now, so i might as well tell the story.

so i was in class today and kristen was talking to this other girl, and me sorta about her horrible weekend. she wasn't facing me, she was facing the other girl and i heard her saying something like "i really think she just does it for attention" imediatley i assumed she was talking about one of her friends who either talks about suicide or cuts herself...and why? because those who have no experience with the emotions and thoughts leading a person to do such acts as these, cannot possibly understand the reasoning behind it. of course she's right in a way, some do it for attention, but the majority of the ppl i've talked to who have thought about suicide or done any self-mutilation, they've tried hiding it...not talking about it, and if they are telling someone--it's not for attention but a cry for help..but then again, i wasn't for sure she was talking about this..

so i asked "what's going on"

to which i'm ignored at the moment like always, she just has to get her story out, so i listen for a while longer, and i'm almost certain i am right about the situation and when she's done talking she turns to me..

she says "two of my friends called me this weekend saying they were going to commit suicide..and one of them was trying to convince me that she was cutting herself as we were talking on the phone"

what do you say to that!?! i didn't show any surprise, emotion or anything, just a blank face and said "oh". she turned and her and the girl starting talking about how they would never actually cut themselves, how they don't understand it..and all the other junk i have heard ppl talk about many times before.

but since this girl is kinda my friend, i thought about explaining it to her. i just wanted to grab her and yell "it's a cry for help, she needs you...are you just going to sit here and judge her or try to help her. just talk to her..." and on and on..so many thoughts in my head, just waiting to be vocalized..but i couldn't...i just couldn't take that risk with those girls there. if i had opened my mouth they would have questioned what i had to say and then i would have had to explain how i have been in that exact situation..and while i never cut myself, i found other forms of self-mutilation that were satisfying to me at the time. i would have had to admit my suicidal thoughts...explained how counseling has helped me, how it took years to get over all this junk in my life..and how i still struggle some today. i would have had to go into how anti-depressants are helpful, and how do i know? because i'm on them..and talking to ppl on the phone and just admitting your struggles to them is not for attention at all...it's to let someone know you struggle...to find someone to hold you accountable for your actions..to just find someone who will care enough to call you once in a while just to check on ya and see how things are going. but i couldn't say this..because i know this one girl...i hear about her problems all the time..and i don't wanna sound mean or anything, but i know just from the things she was saying, she has no clue about these things..but i also know she's a good friend and she'll do what she thinks she should do to try and help them. it just made me so angry to have to here her talk like that. and it just put me in kinda a bad mood the rest of the school day. i couldn't function quite right, the words, things she said were just ringing in my ears over and over again...

on the other side though, she brought a cd the other day to school, it had a bunch of worship songs on it that she downloaded from the net and we were both listening to it in class one day..and guess what? i actually liked it...it was pretty good. so i asked to borrow it and i burned a copy and i'm going to put it in my car...i love listening to musik in my car and while it used to be a lot of rap..and me rapping, i've kinda turned more to the slower musik in my car...and this will be a great addition to my collection. i never ever thought i'd be listening to worship musik just cause i like it...outside of church..but i guess i have changed... happy.gif

ahh...i have so much more to say...but the past nights i've been having trouble sleeping..going to bed around midnight but not sleeping til 1. i'm exhausted and i think i'll get a head start on trying to go to sleep..so maybe i can actually function tomorrow at school...
2 Comments
Mood: mixture of emotions

rain_drop we pluggin into christian rap, so many lyrics about christ a make a christian snap~flame May 19th, 2006 4:57:48 am - Subscribe
so i got home at 12:30 tonight. my mom's in bed, of course, but it's only thursday night, a school night. now will she say anything to me in the morning about staying out so late? i doubt it. actually i don't have to be at school til 8:30 tomorrow morning for our senior trip...we're going on a boat..fun, yeah right. but today was our last official day of classes and i'm so glad high school's over with! even though i'll have to see this ppl next week for our practices and graduation stuff.

so tonight i was babysitting riley and blake for michelle. the boys were actually really good tonight. they both took baths, bubble baths, they cleaned the basement like they were supposed to, i read them stories and they went to bed. even blake. he fell right asleep too. michelle came home around 10 and the dogs starting barking and this woke him up, but he was asleep again soon. then i just hung around til midnight talking with michelle and stuff. she's gonna take me shopping for my graduation outfit soon. i hate shopping and i hate dressing up. but maybe going to find an outfit with her will be more fun then going with my mom. maybe.

i wasn't in a rush to get home cause i haven't been sleeping well anyways for the past couple weeks but i think i could fall asleep right now. oh that's cause it's almost 1 in the morning. that's what time i've been going to bed for awhile now. or getting in bed earlier but not falling asleep til 1. and because of that i'm exhausted when i come home from school so i sleep like 3 hours after school...and then i'm up again the next night. ah, bad habit to get into. cause sleeping like that just makes me more tired then getting a full night's rest. this i know.

but i had to write something in here cause i've been meaning to for awhile now, but i've been doing stuff for my graduation on here, like making the invites to my grad party and finding addresses of relatives i don't even remember and printing em out...so much stuff. but i sent out about 40 which should take care of both my mom and dad's side of the family and then my friends who i want to invite to my grad party. i have too many relatives. anyways between doing that, babysitting, and hanging out at jennifer's, i've been too busy for my blog time. and well, now it's bedtime. tomorrow night i'm babysitting a boy from church, hayden and his younger sister..but i hope to get back here soon! welp, now it's my bedtime, night.
1 Comments
Mood: exhausted