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rain_drop we'll i'm living with these old lies, stuck back here in yesterday...~seventh day slumber - Subscribe
so the past month or so has been hard..but i've had some good times as well. currently my internet isn't working and i have no good place to blog. there's always my roommate's computer but i can tell she really doesn't want me on. so i've been getting so bored without it. plus everyone was either gone or busy this weekend. i've been fighting alot with myself on change..and who i am. it's hard to move beyond the pain and the hurt that seems to consume my every thought and memory but on the other hand, it's time to move on. i have so much to look forward to, so much to live for...the problem comes when these thoughts are overshadowed by the negative ones. it takes all i can sometimes to fight past the hurt..and last night was no different.

last night the thoughts overwhelmed and overtook my mind and the tears were flowing down my cheeks. i was getting sick of it. every time i thought i was done crying....an hr. later more tears came. how long until it will end? i kept asking myself. i know that crying is good and all..but when it gets to the point where the negative thoughts and emotions and sadness are controlling who you are, then it becomes too much. that's when i allow myself to do things i shouldn't do to make up for the fact that i am hurting deeply and don't know how to handle things. last night was again, the first time in awhile that i allowed my negative thoughts to control me. to let my fingers dig into my skin..on my arms...all up and down my legs..my stomach. til i was physically hurting all over. and when that wasn't enough i took a plastic hair clip and repeated the motions that my fingernails had just down...so that parts of my skin were peeling off..and yet...i still did not bleed. maybe part of me wanted to bleed. maybe i thought if i did it hard enough that i would get deep enough to bleed and maybe that would make me realize my actions and what i was doing to myself. but it was pitch dark in the room...my roommate was trying to sleep and it was all i could ever do to try to keep the tears and the anger silent. i just wanted to scream out...but with teeth clenched and fists held tight....i tried not to make any noise. i held my breathe in hopes that it would all just go away..that the anger that was overwhelming me would soon pass..and it did. eventually i wore myself out so much that i just wanted to lay down and sleep. no more tears. just peaceful sleep...and so i did…but only after i went in the bathroom and looked at what i had just done to myself. however, the burning and the stinging that i physically felt was greater than the internal pain and shame that i felt...so for now, another night was passing...and even though the way i dealt with it was wrong, very wrong....i did not feel any guilt or shame until this morning...when i realized i can't hide this or it won't help me the least.

but today has been better so far...my arms still sting a little and i still have a few marks on my left arm, but they've been fading and are almost gone...i've been hanging out with amy today and now she's letting me use her computer while she's out..and i'm finally feeling like i'm being able to fully express myself using words on here...instead of just myspace. but i can't just get on here on anyone's computer or they'll find this...and this is something that i write more for myself. it's more personal and it's very beneficial to me...most of the time. so now today, i will move on from my so called, "broken yesterday" and things will be better. at least i hope to. i'm trying to think like this, cause it's better for me. i've been making myself miserable too long and once again i'm sick of it. i want to go back to that time i was just over cameron's and i felt like i needed God and all that and laying down that night i actually prayed. i wanna be able to trust God again and rely on him to help me...especially through the hard times when i'm all alone and there's nobody to talk to. especially since i'm going home this weekend to a home i don't really feel as "my home"...i know i'll be able to make it thought this summer...but i know there's no way i can make it by myself....

until next time...
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Mood: too many emotions to express in just one word...

rain_drop i'm standing still, i'm oh so peaceful...i can't pretend that i'm fine~plumb May 10th, 2007 3:31:16 am - Subscribe
i feel proud of myself..in a twisted sort of way. yes, last week ended horribly, but so far this week hasn't been so bad. and maybe it has, but i've dealt with it, or rather avoided it so far.

see amy left the other day..and i didn't let myself cry.

and tricia and abby left today...i haven't cried.

and tomorrow i'll have to say goodbye to cameron...

and then mary...

and everyone else...and it'll be horrible, awful..miserable...but i'll be fine. cause i have to be...until i get home.

i know the min. i get home i'll escape to my room, call michelle and jennifer and let them know i'm home, then lock myself in my room, crawl in my bed and cry. and hopefully i'll just cry, get over it, and move on...but i don't know. it's like camp, when i'd always come home and crash..and cry..cause i just wanted to go back so far to that place far away from home...this summer will feel sooo long...i just hope i can make it through.

while i haven't let myself cry since that day...i also haven't let myself accept the fact that i'm leaving soon. friday morning and that other people are leaving too. and i know that's just going to make it all the more harder in the end. but maybe if my internet was working and i could blog regulary, maybe i would be writing this sooner and accepting some things...cause this helps me sort out my thoughts.

but i'm done with everything now. and tomorrow i don't know what i'm doing for sure, just hanging out or going somewhere...enjoying my last day and waiting for my mom to show up. i talked to michelle the other day and found out she's going to have a boy, this will be her third boy...but it's exciting cause this will be her first kid that'll i'll get to know from birth. i mean, when she was in my dgroup at church she was pregnant with blake but then she stepped out of the group cause she didn't have enough time, so i really didn't know her then...like i do now. i hope i can spend alot of time with her this summer. i also hope i can spend time with amanda and jacob and maybe take amanda to the pool a few times...i always enjoy that. so hopefully, thinking about my kids and such will make me look forward to going home, just a little.

ok, i must return to my room now...movie time..or reading..that's what i do without the internet. happy.gif
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Mood: avoidant

rain_drop cold is the throne of her hardened heart~plumb May 31st, 2007 5:33:09 am - Subscribe
there's no stopping the negative thoughts pouring into my mind right now. there's no stopping the tears that are dripping down my cheeks as i try to be as quiet as possible so not to wake my younger sister sleeping in the bed across the room. the musik blaring in my ears from the headphones. the negativism held in those lyrics, the emotions stirred up inside me from these songs. nothing will stop me from listening to them. to taking their pain on as my own. walking through their painful memories with them when i'm not at all steady enough to do so myself. not strong enough to deal with it now. the anger just pours out of my heart...but i can't just scream and let it out...cause ppl are sleeping. there's nothing stopping me from doing what i shouldn't...yet i'm not and i don't know why. it's weird. but the thorn is still stuck in my heart, i can't pull it out. i wish i could...i really do. but it's been there for years now. at times it hasn't hurt as much, the pain went away...but whenever i move or get too upset, i remember it's there, right in my chest, and it hurts again. i can't see it...i can only feel it. there. hurting me. haunting me. memories may fade sometimes but the hurt does not. and the music only helps to influence the thoughts and pain i feel...yet i still listen. there's not much else to do. the only thing left to do now is to just get in the car and drive really really fast...and go nowhere and anywhere...yet that scares me now...so i'll be safe, keep it inside, stay inside...hurt in the dark depths...in the shadows..tomorrow i'll be fine. so they say. so you think. but i'm so alone. so very and utterly alone. i'm broken and at this point there's nothing and nobody that can fix me. there's no escape, i have to face and endure the pain. how much though...how much til i'm done. til i pass the test and get to move on with my life. will i be able to move on? or will i be dead. death will get the better of me before too long. tonight, i wrote in a real journal, the first time since october of last year...i wrote down instead of typing my thoughts and feelings..yet it did no good cause i'm now typing on here. maybe it did some. but not enough. the fact is, i'm scared to write down everything because i'm afriad someone will find it. i'm more scared that they'll find my journals then my online blogs...know what i realized right now...writing calms me down. i'm much calmer now. i think i'll make it tonight. the tears are drying on my cheeks...my nose is clearing...my eyes are finally tried and heavy...it's not easy living this life i'm living...it's not easy being at home..no one seems to care. no one at all. i try to talk to people, i really do. but it's hard...especially since being home has given me the opportunity to retreat into myself once again. to hide my feelings and what i'm going through from ppl...i can convince lots of people that my summer's good so far, i'm babysitting alot, i'm happy...but if i really take time to think about it...those are just lies. i'll never really be happy...kids can only satisfy me for a moment. i don't even think they can really bring joy in my life, jus ta bit of happiness for a moment...i want more than anything to run away because i see no good coming from staying here. i'm sick of it, i'm sick of people telling me i can work it out with my family. that i need to be more positive. that i need to try. all these things that i need to do. when what i really need is someone just to care about me. to love me. to not tell me what i'm doing wrong..or what i should do. i just need someone to love me...and recognize the pain i am feeling at this moment...during this time in my life...when i feel as if my world is crashing down before me....but right, that's just being selfish and such..and i don't deserve something like that. not for the way i've been living...not for how i'm acting or my attitude towards people...but so what!?! what do i care...yes, i'm in pain. so, i might get over it eventually. i just need to yell at someone....and if i can't...i need to be able to write freely on here and have people just accept what i have to say...this is what i'm feeling...this is what i have to say. this is who i am, for the moment...it's easier to stay in this place that causes me great pain and feelings of failure. i just can't explain any more. i must get some rest...
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Mood: dejected