rain_drop's Aeonity Blog

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rain_drop life's got me overloaded...i'm living way too overloaded~4th Avenue Jones - Subscribe

"rain_drop, your paper's really good," *girl* said as she leaned over her desk.
ms. english teacher heard her and turned her head around, looked at me and gave me a big smile as she said "that doesn't surprise me at all" and she smiled some more.
i looked at *girl* and mumbled thanks or something like that and tried not to think any more about that paper. it's not just that, ms. english teacher has told me before that i'm smart...and asked if i was in ap last year..i told her freshmen and sophomore year i was in excel..and she said oh..and then asked if her class bored me..haha...i simply said no...what i didn't say is i think it's hard just like everyone else. ha. ok, back to today...

it's a personal narrative that we wrote and the rough draft was due today. i was going to type it like i was supposed to around 10:30 at night but my mom was on the internet and she didn't get off til 11. i have this cold or something, so i don't feel good at all, so i said forget it and went to bed. i wrote my whole rough draft in the morning during 1st and 2nd period. i tried to follow the format given, it's just so confining though. so my sentences end up turning out awkward. and my reflection doesn't fit right cause when the paper says *reflect here* and *narrate here* and oh *dialogue here* it just doesn't make for a good representation of my writing...that and the fact personal writing for school is so hard for me. knowing my peers will read it, my teacher will read it, and ppl i don't know will read it...well i have to pick *safe* topics to write about. this definitely wasn't one of the ones i would usually write about but i'm managing to get it to work. i decided to write about *a moment in time* when a kid came running up to me to say hi...it seems insignificant, yet it reassured me that i want to go into early childhood education..blah...sounds ok right? only the whole time i was writing it, i could not truly express how much happiness those kids have brought to me cause i can't describe the pain i've been through, that would make those kids so special. so i'm trying...but i knew my rough draft was terrible..i know when it's good and when it's not...and it needs work. mainly cause i wrote it so quickly in the morning and i still wasn't feeling good...the only problem now is i'll have to work a little on it tonight even though i still feel horrible cause ms. english teacher is now expecting a *great* piece from me...why do ppl expect so much of me...geeze..it's too much pressure...only i like her...i don't wanna let her down now. but i have a calculus and physics test tomorrow and i wish my head would stop pounding and my nose would stop running long enough for me to study a little for both of these. i had a government test today..there were only 12 questions. 7 were true/false..i hate those kind. i missed 2 of those...so i missed two questions on the test and got a C....give me more questions!!! who asks for more questions on a test???? i'm crazy.

i think the only class i'm doing really well in, besides easy ole latin, is statistics. we had a test today and it was so easy. i just hate how the teacher talks to us cause he talks like we're stupid or something..though maybe some of the kids are...if you say his name *mr. stats teacher* when you need help he'll either say stop yelling at me or quit hollering my name. he's so annoying sometimes...geeze

oh did i mention i made the math team? a total of 5 seniors tried out...3 seniors are allowed and guess who was 3rd place? me...yah, so the math team test was tues..and um....i think i got like 6 points on it...i don't know the most you can get but i know some ppl got in the 30s...i did bad. i don't remember anything from geometry and there was so much of that on there. there was only one question on there that i knew how to do from calculus...i guess that's cause not many high schoolers take calculus...oh well, better luck next time.

i also ordered a devo online that val told me bout. it just so happens it's what the *d-group* is doing now..experiencing god youth edition workbook. so i got that and i'm supposed to start reading it. i haven't told her i got it yet.

sunday i went to the christian bookstore cause cd's were on sale. so i got 4th avenue jones!! it rocks....it's awesome. the musik sounds completley different from any of the other rap i have...i guess cause one of the singers is a girl, so she sings....looonggg and drawnnnn outttt and raps too..get the pix? hehe..

and then on monday the first item i won on ebay came in the mail...hawk nelson!!! ahh i was so excited...it sounds just like fm static on alot of the songs and some even sound just like relient k. how come i never knew about this great band before??? love it!!

so i need to stop when the spending a little...my cd collection is spinning out of control...although i can't wait to get a pigeon john cd...cause i know only like 3 of his songs and they're awesome..k..enough about musik..oh wait, i was talking to adrian about musik the other day and she asked me to burn her a grits cd..so i did...i burned her the one with the *sippin some tea* song on it..it's fantastik.

i have been meaning to write all week about things but never got around to it..i've got so much to do..and i don't start my homework til really late...always excuses...like my excuse tonight is i'm blogging..haha..yeah, i was going to write about how emotional i've been this past week..then i remembered it's that time of month and i'm always like this..so forget that....it just me being a girl..like that ever happens..gosh i hate it.

amy's b-day party is this sat. and i still don't know if i'm going. it's in her area of town, obviously and since i live so far away from her i don't know where it is...so i got directions..now if i could just learn what they mean. maybe my mom could take me but she wouldn't want to pick me up at midnight when it's over. i though my mom was driving up to michigan tomorrow cause her grandmother's funeral is this sat. but she said there's too much to do, she can't leave now. my brother had a fever today and stayed home from school so she's thinking about taking him to the doctor. and sat. morning i have my SAT to take at who knows where? my mom maybe...and she knew my dad wouldn't have wanted to do either of those things. he wouldn't even take of work on friday..so she has decided just to stay here.

oh and with books...i started a book monday at school..and i finished it wed. afternoon...i loved it...the last time i finished a book of my own was back in september....so it was so nice to get back into reading..i'm hoping this will continue cause there's so many books i want to read..it's just i haven't been motivated..or maybe able to concentrate...or get myself off this computer long enough to read something. i don't know. but tomorrow i'm going to the library and i'm going to try get another book and read it. i will do it.

oh wow it's been so long i didn't even talk about the harvest party at church..that was so much fun. the kids looked so cute in their costumes..some of em thought i didn't know who they really were just cause they had a costume on...oh yeah....right before that i had to go to the psychiatrist again...which was pretty much a blow. he asks me the same questions every time...like where i go to school, where i want to go to college, if i'm in any clubs/sports...blah blah..and then he makes the same stupid jokes over again...i don't know...counseling is so much better than going to see him...oh well i don't have to worry about going back to see him for another what 6 weeks? is that it..i don't even know...

i have been trying to edit my myspace for this contest. krystal meyers is having a contest every week for the best krystal-fied myspace or something..in other words, i'm putting as much krystal meyers stuff on there as i can..it looks pretty neat right now..i have to add some banners though.. but i don't think i'll be able to do that tonight.

i'm so exhausted i'd like to go to bed now...it's not even 9 yet...but i don't feel like studying or doing any of it...ahh i feel another headache coming on...i'll go take another 5 min. nap before i start anything...i hope i can write again soon...it's been too long....it feels so nice...ahh..i love blogging~!

4 Comments
Mood: sick

rain_drop i shouldn't be thinkin bout you~4th Avenue Jones Nov 11th, 2005 4:48:52 am - Subscribe

wow, i got back at 10 tonight from babysitting. yup, at church last night riley's mom asked me if i wanted to babysit her two boys tonight..riley and blake..so i did. she met me somewhere so i could follow her to her house...since i have no clue where ppl live..hehe..here's what i think is funny...it's another two boys i'm babysitting...yah, i'm stuck with boys...my mom told me how at preschool hayden always comes up to her and says *you're my rain_drop's mom* haha that sounds funny but you know what i mean! so yeah..and apparently he's talking to all his teachers in preschool about how pretty i am and how nice i am and how much he likes me....so yeah, a little boy has a huge crush on me....that's what i have ppl telling me now..they used to just tell me that hayden really likes me alot...well now it must be alot more..i don't know..it's all funny to me. so anyways it went well tonight, i colored and we watched pooh's heffalump movie..i got to pick it out....yes, i love that movie. and when the mom came home, her mom was also there and she had to go home so i followed the grandma out of there and i made it home. so that's my night.

so tuesday we were off school and i had asked adrian the day before that if she wasn't doing anything...maybe we could hang out..she said she was busy..but then she ended up calling me tuesday and saying her plans were canceled and we decided to go out to eat at taco bell. i love tacos so i actually ate..haha...and then we hung out awhile, went to the library so i could check out some more movies...i thought maybe we'd find one to watch, but she really had to get back home...it was nice to hang out with her though. i never really hung out with just her before...so i had a good day off school.

now last night...at church i was having a really great time. not only that but my life's been pretty ok so far..and then last night. the kids were just finishing up their crafts and the childhood director lady jen comes to check and see what's going on..then she and the other teacher get to talking..so i'm not too interested. i keep doing what i'm doing, i start cleaning up and here's what's great about my class, they always want to help me...so three kids were helping wipe off the table...it was so cute...and then jen's standing there amazed that they're doing that...so they're talking for awhile now until jen calls me over and says she guesses she better tell me since i'm an adult too...so yeah...it didn't sound good...and it wasn't. she said she's leaving and becoming a stay at home mom..just like that. so i was completly shocked and she also said oh don't cry...not that i was going to or anything...at least there. ha. she said it's not going to be for a couple of weeks but they're already looking for replacements..and all i'm thinking is how could you..how could you leave? she is so great. i love her so much..and now she's leaving that job...area of her life. i understand, she has two girls, one's two and another's not even one...and she feels God is telling her to...but everyone will be sad to see her go. she has such great and fun ideas..and the motions to the songs in praise time are so fun...and all the kids love her too. i love her so much cause she's always telling me how great i am for helping out..or with something else, always encouraging me....always smiling...it's like you can't help but smile back when you see her..except for last night...sometimes i really hate change..right now i dread it.

i was doing pretty good..as i said before...i got my new devo book and i did lesson 1 and 2..and last night was supposed to be 3. i took a shower and i couldn't stop thinking bout jen and i cried a little...thinking it's sad and all..but i'm ok...little did i know..ha...i should know me by now..hello i am me. so i started on lesson 3...started reading it..the bible verses..i could not concentrate. i stared at the pages..my eyes were not focusing..and then it was blurry..my chest started hurting..i couldn't breath. i had to set the book down..it suddenly became too heavy to hold..my eyes were too weak to read...i tried to focus...i kept pushing my thoughts away. it's not that big of a deal, i tried telling myself..i wouldn't listen to myself though. the tears poured down my cheeks. there was no sense in stopping em now...it's like i have a broken heart or something...and over jen leaving. it's not like i won't see her anymore...she has two kids...but still...i can't stop the pain in my heart..i can't stop thinking about her...i could not stop myself from crying last night...i couldn't stop the pain..but i did stop the desire to cause more pain to myself...emotional pain is the worst thing ever though. cause once my eyes hurt from crying so much and my nose was all stopped up..and my pillow was soaked...it was almost midnight and i could not sleep. my thoughts were swirling in my head. memories..good times...how much she means to me..and doesn't even know..how she changed my life..how ppl just seem to like to leave in my life..ha...you can't stop the thoughts. i tossed and turned for a long time before i was able to take long deep breaths and calm down a bit. it took forever for the pain in my chest to go away...and now it's back. i can't help it. the only thing i can think of is write her an email and tell her....but i just don't want to make a big deal of this..cause she's trying not to..and i know how much she loves her job so she's probably a little sad too.

oh yeah..since we're talking about leaving...did i mention the lady i babysat for used to be my other d-group leader freshman year until she left it cause she had another boy....yeah..so we haven't really talked much in a long time..i doubt she has no clue what's going on with me...so tonight trying to make a little conversation she asked me if i was still in the d-group..and i said no...things happened...and she said she understands....i know that's the reason she left *things happened*...she wanted to spend more time with her kids too..and ya know..since i used to know her more back then, i might have said something more but her mom was in the room too..and it wasn't something i was comfortable discussing with her listening..so anyways..

i guess i better start my lovely homework now..oh yeah, i got a C in calculus this grading period. a C! that's my third C ever in my life...in case you wanted to know...once in 4th grade science(i cried for days about that one) and freshman year science(i had the crazy teacher who is now fired for *unfair grading*) so i was ok with the last one...but this one's it's weird. yeah, i don't like it..but i tried really hard and even though i got a 77 on my last test...i did really good cause i got 3 out of the 5 questions completely right! and i only missed a little of the fifth one..so i got the fourth one completely wrong and i get a bad grade...what teacher puts 5 questions on the test anyways....that means each question was worth 20 points..and when you're doing all that algebra stuff when simplyfying..it's so easy to mess em up..plus they're really long..but i knew what i was doing...in other news at school i got an A in english..it's so weird...i looked at the paper and only two ppl in the class got A's...me being the highest and then one which was almost a B...i am so glad we're known by numbers on there...so nobody knows it was me..cause when kids learn stuff like this..they tend to hate you forever...oh and i barely got a B in physics..so that was a relief..blah blah..ok i'm really putting off that homework now...ahh..and there's so much other stuff i could write about..it feels so good..writing...it's like clearing my mind of all this..cause i so wanted someone to talk to about any of this...but there is no one. i thought about talking a little to val but she's out of town this week.. i don't know when she's getting back. oh well..my blog was happy to hear it. so maybe after i finish my hw i'll have a better night's sleep...maybe...i hope i can get over this soon.

oh yeah...i found some avatars i loved on perfect's xanga awhile back...might as well post one..awesome~and so me!

5 Comments
Mood: broken

rain_drop these are the things we go through...lets take control and be ourselves~Hawk Nelson Nov 20th, 2005 4:39:51 am - Subscribe

so yesterday i started blogging in here..then my mom yelled at me to get off the net..so i did..and i was going to finish it later..only thing is i was planning on going to southeast for after hours around 9 at night..but i was so exhausted from the week so i was going to take a little nap...well, i laid down around 6:30 and i didn't wake up til 9:30..i had to get up to take my contacts out, they were all sticking to my eyelids and everything and then i brushed my teeth and got back in bed..that's how tired i was..cause i knew i had to get up early at 6:30 in the morning today...so yeah, i missed after hours..but i got 12 hours of sleep last night. because of that i also missed supernanny on tv, which i love cause it's one of few shows i watch now on tv. oh well. cept now i lost all i wrote yesterday cause the computer got turned off sometime while i was snoozing away.

so this morning i had to get up so early for "job training"..haha..from 8am to 4pm...so this lady at my church works with this association that helps teach dyslexic kids how to read, write, spell, etc. and she was talking to my mom about it when my mom said i needed a job. ha..so yeah, i decided to do this, so i went to the training to learn how to tutor one of these kids. it was long..but then it's only every saturday for like 3 or 4 hours for 9 weeks...and then i don't have to do it anymore if i don't want. and i don't remember how much i'll make, but i know it's a big amount. the only thing is that it's gonna be hard at first for me cause i've never been around a dyslexic kid before much less tried to teach them their letters and things. i haven't even taught a "normal kid" that yet...it starts in two weeks. i have a lesson plan i have to look over and prepare for every week...

after training today my mom picked me up..my dad and sister were with her and we went over to southeast to watch my cousin get baptized...it's my youngest cousin out of that family..the only relatives of mine that live nearby..yeah, she's 8 already..seems so hard to believe, she's still so tiny. so we got her a journal for a present which she loved cause she's at that age where she loves writing in journals..hehe..some ppl never grow out of that..or maybe it's just cause i don't have anything better to do, i don't know. anyways during the service i (of course) didn't sit with my family, i sat in the row behind em..my other cousins were two rows ahead, it wasn't my fault they didn't have any more seats in their row but i wasn't about to sit next to my fam...anyways i looked at my sister during one of the songs, and i knew it was one that was on her worship cds that she loves. i found a notebook on our floor the other day and she had written the lyrics to the songs in there..haha so like me..so anyways i see her singing the song and i can tell she's really loving it and it just tears me up to see her worshipping like that...i've never really been in church with her before..since at our church she goes to the kids worship..but yea, i just couldn't help thinking of how i know i used to be like that when i was younger and then things changed..and i just know she's going to have to go through some of the same things and just watching her, i don't want her to have to experience what i have...it just seems so wrong..so then little amanda was baptized by her dad, my uncle, and that again teared me up to hear her repeat her confession of faith. she's so sweet..and innocent..and it's hard to believe that she understands all that..i don't know, i kinda miss her...she's the last little one and she's growing up...we don't visit them as much as we used to cause there's always fighting in the car..which...i'll get to know...

my sister decided to go with my cousins to spend the night so it was just me..my mom..and my dad in the car...so i just happened to tell my dad where to turn...which i guess i shouldn't have done..i was just proud i knew where to go now..so then he's saying yeah, it's by the mcdonalds but do you know what direction it is?....and i did..i just didn't say that, maybe i should've just said 'east' and then nothing would happen..but i said it didn't matter cause i'm looking for landmarks..so he went on and on about how i have to know where i am and where i'm going..and here's the thing, i already know how to get home from southeast cause of counseling but i guess he didn't believe me or something...so then i tell him just to be quiet now..and my mom starts arguing with him on who should be quiet..my dad says something about how he's "correcting me" and my mom says that he can't correct me anymore cause i'm "18" and it's up to me now that i'm an adult. and i guess that made him really mad..so they start fighting..and i'm just in the back trying to listen to my musik and forget about them..geeze...

let's see...thursday i met with val at wendy's to go over week 1 in my devo..it was good...nice...we talked for a little first too. things are ok with me and her now, at least i think..it was kinda weird meeting up at wendy's but i guess she still doesn't want me coming over or maybe cause her kids are at home...and it would be less distracting somewhere else. oh yeah, and i emailed her my personal narrative that was about beau and she said it was good...i got an 87 on it..so i was glad cause the teacher says if you get an 86 or higher it means it’s a proficient..so yeah, mine’s a low one..but still not many others in the class are there yet..so at least i feel like i can write pretty good for a first time draft. or i'm just thinking that maybe it's the fact that it was about little kids and my teacher has two little boys herself..i mean she wrote on my paper "you are right, a child's smile is the best reward" something like that..ahh i don't know...anyways i also emailed jen saying i wanna hang out and talk to her..she said she'd love to..sometime soon..so i don't know when, i'll see tomorrow what's she's up to, i think tomorrow and wed. are her last days...i know friday was her last day at the office cause she sent everyone on her mailing list her new email address..so at least i'll still be able to email her..and can avoid the phone..somewhat.

so with things like that i'm doing pretty good. i mean that thing with jen, i cried for the first few nights straight..once thinking about hurting myself but never acting on it..and now i'm kinda ok with it..yeah, it's still sad when i think about it..but i'll get through it. and other than that, i feel pretty ok about other things too...or maybe it's cause this past week sleep was about 4-5 hours a night..so maybe i was out of it so much that i had no clue what was happening..and no time to feel...or hurt. or maybe not....but i think i'm a whole lot better than i was during the summer. just not with friends..it seems like i talked more to the teenagers awhile back then i am now..but whatever. i've been trying...but i can't talk to everyone. like at school on friday i was with kristen in latin and we were supposed to be working on our poems..we were in the cafeteria so we were sitting in a booth with three other girls that kristen probably knows more about then me..but on girl was having a hard time..she was talking about how two of her close friends had died, i think one was shot, and she found out her best friend was anorexic, and every weekend she just goes to parties and gets wasted...and basically she was saying how bad her life is but she doesn't know what to do....this one thing stuck in my mind through...she said "i just need to learn how to deal with my problems..i don't know how to deal with anything" and then she went on to say how when she asks us all how our weekends are kristen always talking about how much fun she had with her boyfriend and i'm saying something about how fun church was..and all she has to say is about how drunk she got...and first of all, i don't talk about my weekends much...at least to her..she's never asked me..and i'm also thinking...if she has problems like that, does she not think anyone else does...but just doesn't talk about them..and i guess she does..i've never heard someone just talk so openly about their life before..and then she talkes about how she hates her life and she just wants to die...and kristen says "no don't think like that" and she says "no not like that, i've never though about killing myself, i can't think about that, i would never be so stupid to kill myself"..and just hearing all that was so uncomfortable for me. and i realized how much i have hid my life from everybody. esp. kristen who has no idea that thoughts of suicide have consumed my mind before..or at least the strong desire to just want to die. and if she was telling the truth, i can't help but think how strong she is to be in the situations that she's in and not think about something like that..and in that moment i realized how bad my life could be...it could be worse...it could be alot worse...and my life isn't bad at all..and because of that i felt bad...ahh it was just all weird.

keep going back..last sunday was the preschool pumpkin pick after church which i stayed after for. i helped jeff bring in the pumpkins and hide them in the preschool hall...and then i ate with the preschoolers, hayden came over and said he was going to sit by me....and riley and blake sat across from me...the boys i babysat...not many kids were there though but it was still fun.

and that's all i feel like writing now..i need to get to bed...so i can sleep..so i can go to church in the morning..and then at night..and then be awake enough to do all my stinking homework that teachers like to pile on us before thanksgiving...ugh! oh yeah, and i've worked on myspace alot lately so if you haven't been there in awhile check it out! my profile pix is awesome..hehe~so later....maybe much later...maybe not...oh yah, and avatars are always fun...soo...enjoy. night.
♥ rain_drop ♥

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3 Comments
Mood: doin ok
: hip hope hits 2006

rain_drop ...to me it's just another day...~4th Avenue Jones Nov 25th, 2005 6:13:11 am - Subscribe

so i just asked kristen if we were gonna hang out tomorrow..she said she had hw and college apps to fill out. *rolls eyes* tomorrow's friday..who does hw on friday? she just doesn't wanna hang out with me for some reason. she's kinda had a bad stressful week..well actually from being at school it seemed like school is stressing all the seniors out. i mean, we're halfway into the grading period and i am failing calculus..ha. and i laugh about it. whatever. so at school i asked kristen if she wanted to do something this weekend and she said maybe we could do something friday..so what changed? and i thought she wanted to see sisterhood of the traveling pants..which is what i watched today and i thought we could watch it tomorrow. i dunno. oh and i talked with brit a little earlier..and i just asked her how her day was and what she was doing tomorrow..she's working..i don't know why i bother anymore...

so monday i got home from school and called jen like she told me to. and she said she was busy and wednesday instead..so i called her wednesday and there was no answer. so that disappointed me. but later on at church..her last time with the preschool...she saw me and told me how the church had called her in to work at the job she no longer works at. haha, i thought that was pretty funny. but now i'm thinking whatever on the whole idea. i dunno. i'm sick of bringing it up. and the longer i wait the more scared i get to talk to her..about this kinda stuff.

but later on monday when i was watching joan of arcadia val called me and asked me to babysit. that was surprising...and that made me really happy..haha..she needed me there in like 45 min. so i don't know if it was cause it was kinda last min. and she didn't know who else to call that late or if it's cause she really trusts me with her kids again. so i spent 3 hrs. with beau and riley coloring..playing games...doing puzzles..and just having tons of fun. it was great.

tuesday night was the night i had to stay up late to do my whole physics proposal project. you know the one to make a lift that lifts up the witch in the play. so when i got on the internet so many ppl started IMing me and emailing me..and sending messages on myspace asking me all kinds of questions bout it..asking me to read and edit their papers and then of course i was asking them for ideas...ahh it was overwhelming. so i didn't start my own paper til late..and then i pretty much just typed junk down..ahh....i had said earlier at school that no matter what i was finishing by 1 in the morning..that was my deadline...i finished at 12:55...haha and i drove to school in the morning..since wed. was my last day.

and even wed. was hard. i had a calculus quiz but it was two pages and i think i did really good on the first one cause i had to fill in the whole unit circle--all the degrees, radians, and points...and unless i got em backwards i should get the whole thing right or almost..but because i spent so much time on that page i didn't have long for the second page..see so sometimes it's not cause i don't know it..it's cause i don't have enough time and he's the only math teacher i've ever had that won't give any of us any extra time on tests or quizzes for any reasons..and that's hard.

and today..actually yesterday since it's a little past 1 in the morning...was thanksgiving. a time to spend with family. say thanks...feel blessed..haha..

so we went to blockbuster and my mom had me get a membership and put her name on the card since i am the one with the debit card and she's not..haha..so we rented movies..and as i said before i got sisterhood of the traveling pants. which i loved..but only because i read the book..i think if i hadn't read the book and liked it..then i would have thought the movie was too girlie or something. plus the girl from joan of arcadia and the girl from gilmore girls was on there...haha so it was weird to watch..i guess i just don't know enough actresses and actors to not think that's weird. oh well. so i watched that while my mom cooked..my brother watched whatever he got and my sister and dad watched scooby doo..so i know my mom was happy to be able to cook by herself and not have anyone disturb her in the kitchen.

so then the food was ready. she called us. and i turned off the tv to actually go in the kitchen and eat. but first i went to the bathroom and then i just cried...i had to get it out..casue i was thinking i so don't wanna do this..i hate being around my family..i don't wanna hear the arguing..the fighting...or just everything..so after my quick crying episode i walk out and see my mom going into the living room with her food. ha. so i'm thinking we're not eating together. and i'm relieved...i expected here to be fighting all of us to get us to eat as a family in the kitchen together..but she doesn't. so i get my food and join her in the living room and when i ask her why we're not eating at the table she says it's cause she doesn't wanna here my dad yell. and the next thing i know...my dad's in there yelling at my brother for something. *sigh* so i resume my movie and eat my food. thanksgiving just doesn't mean anything in our house..unless we actually go somewhere. but our cousins went to chicago...they went last year too..but the years before that we used to eat there with them..and it was a whole lot better cause my dad was in a better mood around his brother and plus there were a whole lot more kids running around..and he can't control the chaos there..but he feels he can here..by yelling...

so wait the next part is even funnier...a little bit later my dad gets really mad, walks out the kitchen with his food, and comes in the living room with me and my mom and sits down...and my brother and sister follow in with their food. so i ask him what he thinks he's doing...cause i'm trying to watch my movie and i know i won't be able to with them in there..and plus he'll just bring the yelling in here. and he says he can't stand eating with them meaning my brother and sister..haha..what a thing to say bout your kids. whatever. so i tell him well get out of here cause i don't wanna hear you yell...and he does leave and they follow him out...he could just picked today to relax and listen to them if they wanna be with him and talk..but he just gets too angry...

so that's my day..nothing exciting..oh yeah and my dad asked me how far johnson was..and i said i dunno...far enough that i won't come back here for things like this...i mean i probably would miss it somewhat but that's not the point. and so then he says yeah, you can..you could take breaks and come back, like for thanksgiving...so then i ask him what for, it's not like there's anything to look forward to here on thanksgiving and it's not like we're all thankful for anything...and i was thinking that it's not like anyone ever wants to be around him on days like this when he's in a bad mood and yelling all the time. i mean even my mom didn't wanna be around him..but whatever.

so tomorrow maybe i'll go to the library... cause it doesn't seem like i have anything else to do..gosh, if i'm here all day tomorrow and i have to hear my dad yelling...i'm gonna go crazy..my musik is not loud enough
oh yeah, one more thing..i haven't showered since monday night and it's great! i stink~why? because i can!

it makes me feel good. i think i'll go eat my dessert now and watch some more gilmore girls...night~

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2 Comments
Mood: glad the holiday is over!

rain_drop in the dark with the musik on..wishing i was somewhere else~skillet Nov 26th, 2005 5:28:37 am - Subscribe

up and down..back and forth...good...always follows the bad...i thought today might have been better...i should have known.

my heart hurts deeply right now..i'm in so much emotional pain..how do i create this physical pain inside of me..i hate it...i'm too tired to explain now...it just does. i hate living with a family that fights all the time. after my explosion with my dad..i went to my room and didn't come out for almost 4 hours..what did i do? i blasted my angry musik..and my rap musik...the whole time i was in there..to try to calm myself down from my shaking and sobbing. i so wanted to hurt myself...but i came to realize nothing good comes from that..ha so i had to keep my hands moving..so i straightened my hair..but then i thought about what it's like for ppl who burn themselves..so i quickly unplugged that and moved to something else cause i can't pick up anothe bad habit..so i found some silly putty and i played with that..then kept bouncing it off the wall til my arm felt like it was gonna fall off...so then i colored and colored and colored...kept my hands busy..and my mind...i just can't take anymore....today was bound to happen sometime. i can't exist in this house forever without getting into fights.

so right now i just wish i had someone to talk to. a best friend would be nice...so nice...just someone to love me..and be there...but it's like all my friends moved on...the few possible ppl i could talk to. or they're away for thanksgiving...ha...what a weekend...i wish tomorrow was sunday so i could be with the little kids....the kids who love me no matter what i do...i remember one sunday i was talking to a little girl and she had told me her grandpa died. when i said i was sorry and asked if she was sad, she said yeah, i cried alot for a couple days..but i'm ok now..what a thing for a child to say. i gave her a hug....and she smiled. i wish my pain would go away..and never have to return...

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4 Comments
Mood: sad...explains it all