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i was rereading this book today on the way to and from the mountains...and i just love everything in this book. it's so amazing. it's like a memoir of this girl's life and her words are pure poetry. and when they're not...they still hold that poetic nature about them...anyways, here's a few of the quotes i wrote down...(((or alot..i can't help it..i'm a quote fanatic!))) "i don't even know what home means, except that i long for it. i long to heal, to have this yearning chasm inside of me filled, to believe in something bigger than me, holier than i dare to imagine, more gracious and full of kindness than i dare to wish for." "i understand the desperation of wanting God and not being able to find him. i share that desperation still." "if i dare to embrace my sorrow, if i dare to acknowledge my broken faith, will i find that i am holding nothing? that the faith i seek comes only to those who are put-together, pretending, and whole? if i reach into these dark corners of my soul searching for treasure, for purpose, will my hands come up empty?" "how can i begin to find a connection with my worth in the eyes of God when i am drowning in what i was told about who i am, what i am, when i see myself through my own eyes as incapable of being loved?" "oh god that is bigger than me. oh god that is bigger than daily devotionals, perfect answers and unholy pretending. i believe. i want to believe. be present in the depths of my unbelief." "in desperation i raced toward things that pretended to ease the loneliness, the aching yearning broken emptiness i could never explain." "the cathartic release that followed "inner healing" or deliverance session gave me a sense of wholeness, a connection to some kind of temporary superpower, a conviction of resolution." "but when the pain, struggle, and doubt returned, it swept me under its power, and i found myself overwhelmed, feeling helpless, unloved, unvalued, and unsaved." "my grip was empty. my belief was shallow. my pain was buried beneath a facade that only looked good on the outside." "when the hollow emptiness of my spirituality crashed into me, when i was alone with my lingering discontent, i was disillusioned with what i thought was my faith. it had no lasting solutions, nothing that wasn't based on pretenses. it had no real depth." "my blackness, my dirty, disgusting filth" "i wished for an escape--for my own end, for my own nothingness, for some kind of redemption at the conclusion of it all." "furtive scribbling of cryptic sins on torn shreds of notebook paper" "how can i reconcile the pain and sadness of the past to this present moment, to this overwhelming feeling, this certainty: i am not good enough. i am never good enough." ~stumbling toward faith by: renee altson i long to be able to write like that. to pose insightful questions like that covered in words like this...but when i can't...i just write the words of others..and dwell on that... |
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(myspace blog...figured i might as well put it on here as well...) i've been reminiscing on the past alot lately. i've gone through some old journals i wrote it, not finding much since i've relied mostly with online blogs and such...but i've pulled quotes, and clips from old entries starting a little more than two years ago and ending with a couple of days ago. to read the past writings of mine..and then today’s...it's truly amazing that i am where i am today. i never thought i'd make it this far... August 22, 2005 i feel like i'm getting better. some days are still really really hard, but ti's a start. and i will try the bet i can to continue the devos i started on. i can do this...i can do it this time. and i will not let myself fall harder than the first time. or the first major fall from Christ in my life. "We cannot hold to Him when our hands are filled with everything else." most of all, i need to give up my anger to follow God again. i've tried before..my counselor mentioned it today...i need to quit holding grudges and anger against people, especially God. hand it over to Him and trust Him to fix it. trust that his ways are much better than mine and will lead to pure joy again...if only it were that easy. August 30, 2005 "Remember, God promised to hold on to you no matter what. Jesus vowed to never let anyone or anything snatch you out of His hand. You can hold on to Him because He is holding on to you." i just wish it wasn't so hard to believe. maybe i just need more time, i just jumped into this thing again and i'm not sure about it all...again. cause it feels like God let it go for awhile...how am i NOT supposed to believe that--with what i've been through. i guess the only thing i can hope and pray for is that it won't happen again...at least not this far--help me not to slip this far away again God...it's too much pain... October 1, 2005 i've heard it been said a million times. "life is like a roller coaster" and i suppose it's said because of all the ups and downs life has. but i wonder did anyone ever consider that the christian walk is like a roller coaster? because you start off going up this huge hill--getting to know God, loving Him, trusting Him--and you're way up high on top of this huge hill, everything seems perfect and then...wham. something happens and you fall straight down. oh it's just a little test Satan is throwing your way, yet you still fall further and further away...then you get back up and fall again. it's this continuous cycle yet no matter how hard you try you can never seem to get to that point you were at the beginning. you can never get higher on a roller coaster than that first hill...and that's how my life feels right now. no matter how hard i try or don't try...i can never seem to get to that "height" again with God. or maybe i'm just stuck on one of those small hills and then the roller coaster falls backwards...down the hill... October 14, 2005 because of how i treated others in the youth group at church in the past, makes it difficult for me now. no one feels like they can talk to me or something. but that's the thing, i want to talk to them now, i don't wanna push them away anymore. but most of the time, i'm just ignored and left out now and that's cause of how i reacted to them before when they tried including me in things. no matter what i'm determined to try and be happy and pretend i'm having fun. cause if i pretend enough, i'm going to start feeling it right? ok, no more writing for now...my self-pity. loneliness. depression. sadness. stay between the pages of this journal. stay here--i don't want you to lie with me for the next couple of days..in fact, i don't want you at all. leave me alone. let me be who i am without you. i don't want you--you destroy me--stay away!! November 6, 2005 i hope i learned something the past 6 months, after being asked to leave the small group i was in at church with the girls my age. one thing i'm hoping i learned is the importance of accountability even if i was booted out of the group, so to say...i'm thinking i realize the need to talk to people now...so good luck to me on this journey of mine. i'm going to try as hard as i can to get something out of this new devo i'm starting...to grow and to accept more about God...and all that junk i've rejected for the last couple of years, i'm hoping to become less hard-hearted--more open...vulnerable, and willing to change... January 5, 2006 "i'm running away...cause i just can't deal with this pain" ~Seventh Day Slumber here i am--same old me--disgusting, filthy, unclean--sinful...and emotional...i run to my room again with my hand pressed against my chest. the same old familiar hurt starts up again for no reason at all it seems . but there must be a reason. but i run to my room anyways, shut and lock the door, and then crumble to the floor pressing my cheek against the rough, itchy carpet, grabbing on tightly, as tights as i can and shutting my eyes as the tears spill from my eyes. after a couple of minutes i clench my jaw tight thinking this is so pathetic. i get up, wipe my tears, walk out and head to the bathroom to rinse my face. five days into the new year and i cannot count the number of tears i've cried nor the reasons....the story...is all...too familiar... May 30, 2007 i just don't understand how the pain can last so long...that no matter what, here it is...dwelling inside of me...making me miserable. when will it stop? when will it end? why can't i find the words to describe the deep pain i feel inside right now? what exactly triggers it? i know holding things in is never good but a couple hours early i was fine, enjoying myself..and now i'm such a mess. the deep thorn sticking me in the flesh is back now. making my very soul bleed...blood red. hurt trickles down my cheeks in what one may call tears. my arm hurts as i grip this pen so tight as if somehow pressing it to this paper and writing everything will make it go away...will make it stop. if only it would. i know it's been forever, but for some reason right now, i just needed to write the words out...not type them like i do most of the time...i need God again..not that i know i ever had him but i know i need him...cause if i have God i can ask him to provide me with a friend right now, right here...one friend that i can truly talk to who has time for me. oh how i wish God was here right now to take this pain away...because now...in this moment...i need Him more than ever before. July 20, 2007 "you wouldn't be who you are if you hadn't been where you've been" "How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? ~Ps. 13:1-2 i don't think anything i write will turn out as beautifully written as that is. in it's pain, i see the beauty in the writing. maybe God sees beauty in me. and i hope it doesn't take this long for me to open up the bible again. July 28, 2007 michelle asked me the other day why i'm having such a problem with talking to God and reading his word. she was asking why..it's not his fault? and i just said yeah it is...but if it's not. who cares. i still seem stuck in this anger that i've been in for years...as she pointed out again to me..and who knows when i'll be done...through. when will i believe again? when will i trust God? after thinking about how horrible this week started off...i kinda wonder why, if it was meant to me. i have a strong desire, a dream to write..and well, maybe that's from God. maybe it is my gift that He's given me, to help others who are also hurting--to identify with them like the authors of the books i've read. but it's scary to think that i could become a writer...putting my stuff out there, who knows. but i'm so inspired by books, song lyrics...everything. but there's so many books and songs already dealing with these issues, why should i add to it? what else can i say that they haven't already. i haven't a clue. but maybe this is something i have to do for myself, to find out who i am, to find out who God is. maybe it is all for me this time. i'm just so scared and confused about what to do now...i'm listening to Plumb right now and she keeps saying over and over again..."i must go on" an that's what i need to do right now...i must go on. October 31, 2007 inspiration ensues me..i can't stop thinking or writing...i want to capture beauty as it was meant to be...all colorful and serene. yes, i think i've found my solace... "We build our houses on a flood of pain and then scold God when the river rises. ~from the book Angry with God November 2, 2007 i believe that silence holds the key to all of life's answers. just think about it. here, in the woods overlooking the river, i've found a place where i can come and hr or two at a tie just to still, be still...silent. and i've found meaning and purpose in life. i've found comfort and joy. i think i may even have found God...after all this time. the God who i pushed away, He never abandoned me...and He was waiting for me to seek Him out again, and so i have...will all the situations in my life, i never trusted Him nor relied on Him for answers...instead i took it upon myself to figure this complicated world out. and that's why i failed, numerous times. over and over again...God doesn't always help us out when we cry out to Him because He wants us to learn and experience the consequences of our choice in order to grow...and that's just a hard lesson to learn...why did it take me until 20 to figure that out? all these years of struggling and brokenness...but i suppose it's evident how i've grown since then now. and i did learn something. i learned something huge... ~ "if i dare to embrace my sorrow, if i dare to acknowledge my broken faith, will i find that i am holding nothing? that the faith i seek comes only to those who are put-together, pretending, and whole? if i reach into these dark corners of my soul searching for treasure, for purpose, will my hands come up empty?" "i believe. i want to believe. be present in the depths of my unbelief. ~from Renee Altson's book Stumbling Toward Faith "teardrops vanish in a moment. rainbows hang over me. darkness fading. i know the sky will break and bleed its light and kiss my face with mercy. i'll endure the rain. i will wait an hour more. not sure if i'll see anything…can i wait here anymore? i'll endure the rain. ~Plumb |
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thinking always makes trouble for me. and i've been thinking alot lately. and all i wanna do is lay in my bed and cry. it's been so long since i've done this. it's actually surprising to me. i don't think it's been this long in awhile. life used to be so miserable..and now it's not. but i think what makes it hard is coping with the change. the fact that i am better, every day...but there's something i miss about the familiar chaos and trouble in my life...that sometimes i wish it was back to this. because at least i knew how to deal with that. this strange territory i wander is so unfamiliar and unnerving to me. i don't know what to do. i don't feel my emotions are ok unless i do cry. i feel i'm just floating through life and not touching base with my thoughts and feelings...if that makes any sense. in other words. i'm fine and that's what scares me. maybe i'm just overanalyzing things. what will it take to get the words that write their never ending stories out of my head. because it's like the words just develop and form into beautiful thoughts, poetry...stories...and yet i take out my notebook and i draw a blank. maybe the words are never meant to be written. maybe i don't have to prove to anyone that i'm a writer...maybe i'm just too bored to do anything else at this moment but write all the stupid things that come into my mind first off. so what else am i thinking? about thanksgiving break. how bad i don't want to go to my house, to my family, but how bad i want to see all my kids and friends. i really miss michelle, i've talked to her so much this past week and i really need to just talk to her face to face. i miss her boys too...and i want to hold the baby again. but i'm scared to go home because i'm scared to be tempted again...just being around my family, the tension, the fighting...the painful memories. i remember last year...back in jan. i tried the whole new years resolution thing for a first. i wrote in my journal that i would never ever scratch or try to choke myself..or anything in the year 2006. and guess how far i got. all the way to thanksgiving. it was amazing that i lasted that long..but at the same time, it was very sad...i was very disappointed in myself. not only that, but then i burned myself with my straightener a few times, something I had never done before. i felt so guilty and horrible. but not only that, i just let it go again and again or whenever i felt like it. to where it became a little habit of mine again and i walked around with a cloud of guilt surrounding me everywhere i went...and everyone i talked to i had to lie today and it made me feel like such a horrible person. and then the ppl i did tell, i just felt like i was letting them down, again and again and again. and then this year, on my 20th bday i decided again i was going to try that commitment. but i promised God this time that i would never ever return to my "teenage habit" as i called it. it had already been 4 months at that time...and now it's been like 6 months. and some of those times have been the roughest that i can remember in my life. there's something about restraint and self-control that makes things so hard. holding back is so much tougher than just giving in. and i'm just afraid over this thanksgiving break...that i won't be strong enough again. i've been keeping my nails as short as i can and painting them black again, just so i can be reminded every time i see them, not to do it. that it's a disgusting awful habit, and it's not me. it's not who i am and it's not who i want to be anymore. i will not let it define me. but last month, over and over again, i could just imagine what it'd be like to do worse to myself or just to scratch myself again. to pick up that razor for the first time and glide it against my skin. but i knew i could never do it. it would only make things worse. but it doesn't stop me from wanting to write about it and get the desire out, to express it in words so that maybe that will satisfy me enough for the moment. does that make me an awful person? i guess it's a good thing that i've been reading the bible and praying again...so maybe that i'll pray that God just gives me the strength to deal with home life and with myself...so that i will not resort to hurting myself as a means to cope ever again. that's just been on my mind alot this week and i'll bet even more as thanksgiving break approaches. so that's mostly what i wanted to get out tonight. i've kinda been avoiding the topic since it scares me somewhat...but i'd rather get my thoughts out then leave them up in my head to destroy me again. i'll probably go to bed early since i don't really have much homework and i'm not really in a people hanging mood tonight....just in the mood to have a good cry but i probably won't be able to cause i have no idea what my roommate is doing. i would hate for her to walk in here and me be crying and then trying to convince her that i really am fine. cause i am. ppl just need to let out their emotions every now and then...and this is how i'm letting mine out for now... |
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only it did let me forget. ahh...you'll understand as you read on... i went over this 16 year olds house today to watch the new episode of hannah montana. she came to my dorm room for awhile and we watched a little of the dvds i had. and then we went and picked up some pizza and headed over to her house. we watched the old episodes that were on tv, one of which i hadn't seen yet...and then we watched some other shows, had a mini dance party cause i brought along my cds and then we watched the new episode of hannah montana that came on at 8...it was amazing. a great episode. probably one of the best..and then she took me back here, to the dorm. i went for a walk tonight and it was freezing cold. i still walked for about 40 min. and ya know what? i was thinking about something great to write. really. it was brillant and the words were forming in my head in complete clear sentences i was sure i wouldn't forget this time..and now, here i am...and my mind is blank. so i thought i'd write about watching the latest hannah montana...i don't know what else to do, i'd go to bed cause i'm extremely tired but my roommate and some girls are in the room watching a movie...kinda like last night. and again it's not a movie i really wanna watch. but i don't mind. i probably wouldn't go to sleep anyways, maybe i'll just lay down for a few min. i think i got too excited tonight with the hannah montana thing and i wore myself out! |
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i remember what i was going to write about last night. amy and i were talking on aim about how my life has changed since she's graduated...and i hope she doesn't mind me putting this up, but i doubt she reads this anymore... anyways, i was telling her how well i'm doing now and how things have changed since she's been here, and she asks this question... her: what are you doing to protect yourself and that threw me off for a second. it made me wonder. what am i really doing? nothing. sure i may be going to the river, praying, reading the bible...but am i really prepared for satan's next attack???? and then she continues to write... her: im just so proud of you, you are doing so much and going out having fun, writing . when we are able to feel the Joy that God has for us sometimes the thought of bad goes away , kinda if you know what I mean. And from experience, if you walk in that joy but not prepare for the next time in your life, you might fall hard and wonder where the heck this weight came from. I cant tell you how to prepare other than flooding your mind with Gods truth of who he is , so when the dark does come you can yell the truth at it and shield the lies. I hope that make sense. I wish i was there to see you too but it makes me happy enough to just hear from you and then i wonder....will i really make it. i know i need to follow her advice. but it just seems so hard. and i don't know, in a way her encouraging advice just seems to weigh me down tonight. because i know trouble is coming. in fact, it may come in a week...when i'm back at home. and then at church sunday, the preacher was talking about making promises to god about not doing a certain sin anymore and then failing. and always doing what you said you wouldn't..and it just felt like in my mind, he was going on and on about it, i'm sure he wasn't. maybe it was the voice of doubt in my head going on and on. you will not make it. you've never made it before. why would this time be different. you fell before, the next time will be harder and harder. and on and on, it seems like the people and the places where you're supposed to be lifted up the most are now weighing me down. and discouraging me. and i don't know. so the bad has gone away, but it's coming back. maybe it's already here. maybe this is what i should have been preparing for. shielding myself from the doubtful voices that have infiltrated my mind right now. but i think it's too late. i've already let them in...and my mind is too weak to stop them. what will i do to protect myself? will a promise made to God withstand my previous failures and stumbling. and then when i just think about these things, it tears me up inside and just more than ever i want to be that person again and just hurt myself to make me feel pain. to make me cry. to just let out all of the emotion and pain that still seems to be inside of me that i've learned very well to keep well hidden. i don't know if someone who's never been here will ever understand the need for self-harm to feel better...to feel peace, control..and the need to feel the physical pain in hopes of drowning out the emotional pain and the hurting heart. and then i wonder why so often i've tried to explain it to people..and they don't understand? does that mean they've never felt the depth of the pain i've felt...and if so, why not? or maybe i'm just more in touch with my emotions...maybe that's the thoughtful, writing, side of me...and then i wonder why i have to be like that. and why i can't just heal...completely. i thought this was well behind. but maybe not. and am i prepared for the next attack satan will throw at me? am i prepared to keep my promise to God...am i prepared for this last week of school...or to go home for thanksgiving... perhaps not. i need help. guidance. i just need a good cry. and then someone to talk to. maybe michelle...but lately the only advice she's been giving me is to go to counseling. and that's good and all, but i never ever want to go here...it's just the stubborn side of me. i know people in the counseling department. i'd rather go back home, where i used to go to. i liked her. alot. i don't need another stranger to talk to. or another strange place. i just need to get this out and then stop thinking about it, before it gets me even more down then i already am... |