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welcome back world. welcome back me. welcome back aeonity. i've been gone from here so long. i've missed you. i grew to love myspace blogging a little too much only to have it all deleted. gone. forever. all those blogs, all those poems...vanished in thin air. now before i start another one...i thought i'd resume this one. because i have no readers anymore. no fans, no comments, no audience. so i hide myself behind the name rain_drop....and i will forever write about anything and everything...because if i don't...i feel like i might die. hopefully i won't lose this one as well. |
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it's late and i wish i could go to sleep but i can't. i have so much on my mind. so much to think about. so much i wish i could talk to someone about. so much that i wish someone would care about and ask me about and just want to listen to me. but there is no one. i am all alone. again. it was only a matter of time. it's kinda ironic that the mood randomly came up "unwanted" because that's exactly how i feel right now. sitting alone in the dark of my dorm room. the room i've been in ever since 3 this afternoon when my classes were done with, except for the small walk i took outside. i want to go back home really bad now. and i don't know why. i don't want to live at home, but i really miss the church, the people, my friends, and the kids. last weekend i got to go home and hold michelle's new baby and it was the most amazing experience ever. and i have no clue why. it's like the first baby i really know in years, probably since my sister and she's now 12! i don't know why all these years i've steered clear of all the babies at church and went straight to working with preschoolers... but i know one thing and one thing only from that experience. as i was holding this 3 week old baby boy, staring at how peacefully he was sleeping in my arms...as the tears formed in my eyes...i saw the beauty in this baby..i saw the wonder...i saw a life. a life of importance. and i realized my life was important as well..and for the first time in who knows, maybe forever, i realized my life is definitely worth living. to experience moments like that one, definitely makes my life worth living..and i want to live to experience more moments like this. to watch this young baby grow up just like his brothers. and it couldn't have come at a better time. a couple of weeks ago suicidal thoughts ran through my head more than i can ever remember before. and i knew exactly the way to do it. and not to tell anyone...so that i would succeed. and i feel sick admitting this..because it just shows how low i've sank since i've been off my anti-depressants...and it makes me question whether that was a good idea or not..whether or not i was really reliant on the pills to the point where i was thinking i really must need them to be ok...but i am ok without them right? that's why the doctor weened me off...but my thoughts often contridict one another. and then the week after that all i could think about was hurting myself again...i realized i didn't want to actually kill myself, just hurt myself...forget that i'm 20 now and i promised myself i wouldn't return to my teenage habits. it's still only been 5 months...the longest i've went before was half a year...never yet a whole year...and i wanted more than ever to dig my nails into my skin. instead i just let the tears flow, the pain in my heart hurt..and i sat up and wrote michelle the stupidest email ever...and i worried her really bad. and i wish i hadn't. cause i want to believe that i've changed. i want to believe i'm better...and she had nothing to say to me except conseling...counseling...the words repeated...over and over again. but can i blame her? if someone like that was talking to me, i'd be scared to say anything. i am so screwed up. so then why is it so hard. and why do i still have to fight these thoughts, feelings, urges...to destroy myself??? is my life really that bad? and as much as holding that baby, it made me realize the importance of life, i have to question my own thoughts, sometimes they seem to have a mind of their own...either that or i'm demon possessed or something like that. seriously. it may feel like that...walking around like i'm living...but only existing...day after day. just waiting for it all to end. i can't write anymore. it's been so long since i've really wrote like this..and it's too much. it's too painful. maybe a few more entries like this and i'll be fine. ok. i hope it helps with my anger. because it seems like i carry alot of hatred and anger around wherever i go. and it's miserable. it's killing me..maybe not physically, but emotionally... ...i seriously don't know how much more of this i can take... *deep breath* ```ok, i'm gone for now``` ♥ rain_drop |
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off to the woods again...off to the river...where all is peaceful...where all is quiet...where the sounds of the rushing waters soothe my broken soul. it's a time of healing...a time of clearing my head...and a time of writing... prayer and bible reading might happen for a few min. while i'm down there... but mostly just writing and getting lost in a good chapter book.... i believe with time, all that god stuff will come and sort itself out. because every day i'm learning more and more how to trust god....with life. yesterday was the first day i went down by the river by myself for a couple hrs. and it was the most amazing experience here yet that i can remember. i find peace and rest in solitude most times...and that was one of them. sometimes it's dangerous for me to be alone, but not out there, where happiness seems to dwell within the river, the trees...the nature. and yesterday i can say i was truly happy..it's been awhile since i could say that...probably since the last time i went home and held baby seth. but this is almost the same thing. almost. anyways i'm off again, to enjoy the rest of this beautiful day...all by myself... |
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i just realized i have 2 tests on friday. one in music appreciation and one in hebrew. and thursday night i have to do my presentation for intro to children's lit. i have to read a book to the entire class and plan an activity. i also have to write up a lesson plan to go along with it. i have the book picked out, it's a favorite with the preschoolers back home. they are always having me read it so i bought it. it's called "designed by god so i must be special" i love the illustrations and the message it has for young children...but these are college aged ppl. i don't want to read to them! tomorrow i meet with my advisor to schedule for next semester's classes. i think i'm going to take 2 night classes to get them out of the way, in case i do decide to do a 6 month internship the spring of my junior year. i really think it would be the best for me. not to just get away from here for a bit before my senior year, but to give me a longer experience in ministry and to get to know the kids a bit longer. 3 months and then leaving, that seems a little hard. i'm just not sure what church i would go to, i'm thinking some place close to home...because i truly miss my kids back there, more than anything. and i really want to see baby seth grow up, just a little bit. i want to be a little part of his life...like i am with his 2 older brothers. so with all this i have to do, i escaped off to my spot in the woods...down by the river again tonight. but after reading the bible, a book of mine, and writing...i read a children's book, "because of winn-dixie" as 1 of the 70 books i have to read for my children's lit class...so i feel like i kinda did a little something. even though i really wanted to read that and i could have waited. now i want to watch the movie again. i don't know why i love it so much, it centers on a dog and i hate dogs. i think i like the little girl...and now i can't decide which is better, the book or the movie. i think i love both. the book held the same magic as the movie did... and tonight, at work...i read another book for my class, "charlotte's web" which is another good book and i love that movie too, but i have yet to buy it because the girls i babysat all summer, they watched that movie all the time, so i got to see it all the time... and with all the work i have for the rest of the week, i'm just wasting time on the internet or with friends right now...because i'd rather put it off and just enjoy my night. who knows maybe i'll get to bed early cause i have a 7:35 tomorrow morning. i don't have much depth for my writing tonight, just some of the things that are happening or have been happening. i've been writing alot more in a journal lately..but still not much poetry, as inspired as i have been, i can't put the pen to the paper to write that poem. probably because of fear of disappointment. the worst thing that can happen is when i try to write a poem that i think sounds good and expresses the emotion i'm trying to express...and then failing. so it's all i can think about, all i can write about...maybe even all i can talk about (you know, the voices in my head) but i can't put aside that time and that energy and that creativity into a poem. i'd rather dwell on reading my old works of art. i think i seriously wrote better when i was depressed...so now that i'm happier, now that i'm more joyful, i fear i lost some of that drive...some of that energy...that creativity. ahh, and just writing about this fuels my anger and disappointment in myself...and in my writing. |
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right now i'm just sick of it. i'm sick of feeling happy. it takes the meaning out of my writing. i don't want to go back to how things used to be, but i still want to perserve some of that emotion and anger that fueled my writing. i bet i sound sick. change is good, i know, but in reality i can't stop reading my past writings and entries and think...who was this person? i'm not even sure it was i who penned the very words, or rather typed, the words that are on the screen. with all i have to do today, i was planning on going down to the river after my class...for some peace. but maybe not. now i'm thinking i'm getting a little overloaded with this peace thing. this praying. but then maybe that's again the evil trying to dwell in me again. the evil that was evident in my poems. and in some ways i'd like to be alone...by myself...in the room, with the lights off, just typing away on my laptop and listening to all the music i used to. plumb and seventh day slumber...because i think these were two good influences on the writing i wrote....and i'm not sure how good of an idea that is, because it also seemed to affect my mood...but either way, i think it may not be a good thing...but on the other side, it may be just what i need. is it healthy to want to experience some of the emotions of your past just to keep moving beyond it? is it possible to be in touch with the sadness still inside of me as well as the happiness? i'm not sure of quite anything anymore. it's like i'm living in this world that i no longer control. this is not me..and it just feels so weird. who am i really? if i'm not who i was...and i'm not who i am today...am i non-existent? is what i'm writing just nonsense for those who have to see the words on this blog. i want more than anything to home right now. maybe i can just that to fuel my sadness...and maybe then i can feel like i can truly write again. i want more than anything to go see michelle...visit with her kids...and hold baby seth in my arms again. i want to see this boy grow up, just like i've seen his brothers grow up in the last two years. today in my 7:35 class, i was awake enough to actually comprehend and learn something. it's music appreciation and i usually don't like the class cause i know nothing about musicians and their music and that sort of thing, but he was talking about beethoven. and to make a long story short, he was saying how shortly after beethoven began to lose his hearing, that he moved out to the country and began writing his will because he was going to kill himself. and throughout the will he's writing about what he's going to give this person and that and then writes about why he doesn't want to be here anymore, but then towards the end, by writing this, he talks himself out of suicide...cause he feels he still has something to offer the world through his music...and so he goes on to still create music when he's deaf and his last symphony he creates, the theme is about joy. and that just got me thinking, now his music may not impact me in any way, now or ever, but his story sure does. and writing things down, talking things out through writing, that's something we for sure have in common. because if he thought there was a purpose in him living to create more music to offer people, then i must still have something to offer the world. and maybe not the whole world, but one individual person. maybe one of these kids i dearly love...and wow, i was just sitting there thinking about all these things, the crazy thoughts spinning through my brain, and i was amazed... and it's not even like the suicidal thoughts have returned recently. ok, it's maybe been at least 3 weeks...but it again, feels so long ago. like a year...because of how much i've seemed to change since then. and maybe these crazy highs and lows are dangerous...it's definitely not something i experienced as much while on the meds...because on the meds i sorta was in between all the time, always feeling a little more down then up...but now, it seems it's always a drastic change in my moods. and maybe not, maybe that's just another thing that is just my imagination. but i'd say if those thoughts returned, but more realistically i need to say, WHEN those thoughts return, because i know they will, i want to remember what i've learned today about beethoven and what i have to offer the world. and i WILL push past this, i always do. and i'll (in the words of hannah montana) move on with my life. yes, i will. because there is so much more to life then thinking about dying...or ceasing to exist. so after writing this, maybe i will end up going to the river..who knows. i'll see how i feel after class because i'm extremely tired from lack of sleep..and it seems like i've been running around with all this energy that i don't know where it comes from...and i'm afriad i might crash if i don't get a little nap. so maybe i'll just rest my thoughts for awhile in my room...maybe i've had enough writing for today... now see how like beethoven, my writing has helped me change my mind about some things...it seems kinda crazy..but it's been happening all this time and most of the time i fail to notice. so even if writing this impacts no other person, i know i'm writing for me. and that's all that matters....is that now, i'll be ok...at least for today. tomorrow is another story... but in the words of anne of green gables "Tomorrow is always fresh...with no mistakes in it" anne of green gables has always been my favorite and will always be my favorite~! |