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rain_drop what i now call my trap i used to call my fantasy~John Reuben - Subscribe
so true...so true...

today i actually have no homework..and why?? cause we finally had our first free day of the year in Latin class....it's been too long, i was starting to think we wouldn't have any of those. hehe...so i got my calculus done...and now i've been kinda bored on here..cause i don't have homework to do..so i'm listening to KJ-52's little raps he does for fun...just clips of funny stuff....cause i can't wait to see him in concert. i've also been on myspace alot..changing my template and putting pix on there..it's all fun.

so yesterday i had to return to the psychiatrist. it was alot quicker than last time. just asking me if i was feeling better and stuff..my mom did bring up the hurting myself cause she wanted to know what he thought about that. and he said, like last time, that it's more of a personality disorder...and then he and my mom were discussing this back and forth and they were referring to it as "cutting"...i don't know...it was just soo weird cause i don't cut..and besides i haven't hurt myself in a long time..and i just wanted to say that, scream it for them to just drop it..i told my mom not to bring it up. but the other day when my mom did ask me if i was still scratching myself. or i think she phrased it..is it getting any better or something...hehe i said no comment. so i guess she thinks i'm still doing it. well i know she thinks that... i know i could have told her there that i was getting better than that..i just couldn't though, i don't know why. i could have told her it got so bad it was happening 3 times a week..and it was happening every week..and now hardly ever..like i think once since i've been on the meds but i just don't want to discuss that with her. maybe i don't want her to know what's going on with that whole thing cause i don't want to tell her i'm better with the whole thing..and then do it again...i knew she was going to ask me that sooner or later..cause that's what she does. *sigh*...

oh i asked morgan to take me home from school monday and wednesday and she did...but i don't know, things just don't seem the same between us. we're supposed to go to the concert together so i burned her grits latest cds..cause she only has their old one...and you know, she's polite and everything..but it's uncomfortable for me to be around her. cause i can't just rap and make her laugh or something...so i don't know what to say. and she's always got this look on her face when i'm talking to her..it's just not the same...

oh..and i might want to mention sunday night. that was bad..but turned out good i guess...why are sunday nights always bad for me..well i was going through my old feelings and stuff..it was midnight..i just felt like crying and you know...so i put in my cd..so i could cry, but the songs..it just didn't..i don't know..i just laid there...so i was just letting the songs play and i got to this one..that i never listened to much cause it didn't stand out or anything but the lyrics..were..wow..i don't know how to say this. but i sat up against my wall...mouthing the words...cause my sister was asleep..and tears just came down my cheeks as i lifted up my hands to God..it was soo unusual for me..almost like i was in church...worshipping like the other kids do...except this was with my musik..songs i like..seventh day slumber...anyways i did this for the next couple of songs til i was worn out and calmer..and well i felt better..so i just let the cd play and finally turned off my little lamp at one in the morning and went to sleep..cause i had school in the morning. so i thought, why not post the lyrics of one of the songs...the first one that touched me...it's an amazing song..i wish i knew how to link it to play on here...but i don't know if you can do that...there's still so much to learn about the internet...particularly html formatting.


Picking Up the Pieces
by Seventh Day Slumber

Open my eyes, my life is scattered on the floor
I walked away from you so long that I could not hear your voice.
Oh my tears that I cried I left them laying on your heart
And now I'm here with you again, can we pick up from the start.

All I have and all I need is everything You gave to me
I been away so now I'm picking up the pieces once again.

I'm falling to my knees that is where I saw Your hand
I've been here way too many times,
I can't belive You'd take me back
And all the tears that I've cried,
Never touched the ground and
Now I'm here with what is left
Will You build me up again?

Chorus


and why not put the one after it....since it was awesome too...


Something
by Seventh Day Slumber

Well I see the winds have changed now
why'd they have to change today
My eyes are drowning in this sea of pain
the world is closing in on me
I'm slowly sinking in my insides
a float is sinking inside me
my eyes are cold, black, and empty
can anybody set me free

Chorus:
Oh I need something I need something more I need you
Oh I need something I need something more I need you

passion is the only friend I have
its better lying to me
my eyes are blurring as i fight to stay alive
bound and broken on my knees

Chorus

Why would we live let the healing begin
why would we live i'm suffering, I'm suffering
why would we live let the healing begin
why would we live i'm suffering, i'm suffering

Chorus



wow there is alot to write about. but i'll have to end with this. tomorrow there's a NHS meeting after school and after that thao's supposed to come home with me so we can watch the ring 2 and i hope it's tomorrow cause i really wanna see that right now..but i'm waiting. yeah, my brother's watching it right now too..but i'm staying here...oh and i finished gilmore girls season 1 that kristen lent me and she's supposed to be getting me the second season too...let's see..i probably failed my government test today..or close to it...but i got a b on my calculus test...i love math so much better, hey, maybe i should join the math team at school? haha...oh and wed. i got my pix for the yearbook taken at school..that was weird cause it was in the library and i had to walk out of the library to go to the bathroom to put the ugly drape thing on..then walk back into the library with it on..oh and there was a class in there...and then i couldn't even see my pix..but it was free...ahh and the last thing i guess before i have to wrap this up...i finished my devo book, i think it was tuesday...so i accomplished something in my life...ha..and i wanted to write some of what was in the end...but that'll have to wait...cause i've been on way tooo long...
2 Comments
Mood: exhausted...*yawn*
: Diary of a Teenage Girl!!! a new one, finallY!

rain_drop i know there's alot of pain and hurt now that you been through... Sep 5th, 2005 4:48:07 am - Subscribe
...but never forget there's a real love God gave for you.~KJ-52

hehe...i put this on there cause i'm thinking of using it for my senior quote. cause i have to have to have a song lyric right? cause if i didn't that totally wouldn't be the me that ppl know...so since everyone knows i like kj....i'm thinking of using something in one of his songs...i know it's nothing smart sounding or intelligent..but frankly i could care less...cause it's just a stupid quote in a stupid yearbook in a "stupid high school" to quote superchick..which i do so much!


so tomorrow there's no school! i get a break. i'm hoping i can do something with brit, i've been asking her for awhile to do something but she's always busy with work or something...and then after tonight, geeze sunday night again...i need to get out of here. i just wanna run away now..from my family cause i'm sick of em. i wanna go live by myself in the mountains somewhere peaceful...with my puter..hehe gotta have that for *silent* communication..and then my musik of course. but every now and then i think you need a little break...and well i've been stuck here. sure thao came home with me friday to watch the ring 2 which btw was awesome..awesome..and more awesome. i loved it and watched it again today. but we were still at my house. oh and on the way home from dropping her off...my mom let me drive home in the car, she doesn't care what my dad says..so blah blah..i've been feeling really down alot lately, ever since that day when i had no homework to work on...and then friday i had no homework, and sat..well you get the picture...i couldn't keep myself busy...i allowed myself to think, and when i think....like i'm thinking now...i get down and frustated..and all that. and then the tears...geeze i've cried so much...

so i've been trying to figure some things out...but i think i'm just gonna have to email someone else.....like maybe my youth minister cause i'm running out of options, oh geeze. i don't know what i'm saying. my mind is going everywhere right now, i can't even finish thoughts. i'll probably look back at this blog one day and wonder what in the world was going on. i just feel like a mess though..inside me. all the feelings returned..they weren't gone long really...the pain in my heart..the lonliness..empitness..guilt. and i wouldn't be suprised if i felt like hurting myself..cause that's what always comes next. but i gotta stop thinking that way. that's the thing with getting better though, i'm scared of myself and what i might do..of going down that road again..of being that person again.

so i think i know why i'm out of it tonight..i keep doing other things while blogging..and i can't do that. i just need to keep it here and focus on it til i'm done...but yet, there are other distractions on the net atm. like i'm getting perfect to send me the krystal meyers songs cause she has em and i don't...and she'll be at the concert so i just wanna know if i like her or not beforehand. but the songs are gonna take forever to download on my slow computer...

so let's talk about church now...morning was great, both carlee and jenna were there again along with some other girls and boys this time...there were 7 kids..geeze, i guess nobody comes in the summer..they're all coming now...so this is great! more and more just keep coming..hehe..which btw wed. nights start this wed. last year i worked with deborah in the 3's and she's in there again but she said i'm not working with her this year. sad.gif she said jen put me in a different class. so i don't know where i'll be... so i'll have to find out. oh well..so anyways, this morning was good. and then second service joel was finally there. so i didn't have to sit with ppl i didn't know. after church cyrsta came over and asked if i'd take her over the neighbor's pool to watch her swim..since she's not allowed over there by herself. so i said sure. her and her brother came and my sister..and they went swimming, but man, it was freezing...i swam for a little bit. summer's almost over..that's so sad. i don't want it getting colder, i like fall, i just don't like how it's closer to winter..hehe...

oh did i meantion i'm back to norm with books...i started that book friday morning at school..and we didn't do anything the first 3 classes cause tons of kids were out on a field trip for writing team..so i read during those classes and i finished the book sat. morning! hehe...it was nice.

so sunday night..it was really empty..kinda weird. i sat by myself..like usual. gosh, back to wanting to cry over everything again. the songs...the message...then they played some stuff about the hurricane..there's a reason i don't ever watch the news. not because i don't care about the things happening in the world...it's just that it makes me feel bad for thinking my life is so horrible and stuff....and then to see that. to see a reason for real pain and depression... oh yeah, so the guy preaching on the video was telling a little story about his son and how he got in trouble and was hiding...and relating it to God..you can't hide..and he kept saying "there's nothing you can do to make him love you any less" i don't know..and with the things that have been happening....like i don't feel like he loves me. i sit and try to pray but i just feel so lonely, abandoned..and empty. it's like he's not there when all i ever here is that he is there. and i don't know what to do about it. i guess part of it is the fact that i did finally finished a devo and i feel like i've gotten nowhere..well at first i felt good and proud of myself that i did it. but all i've done is read something, journaled about it, and tried praying to what..or rather who? it's almost as if i just wanna give it all up again cause it seems so meaningless and hopeless. but then when i play those songs...from ppl who have been in pain..known pain..found God in the mist of pain..and now believe..."oh the Lord has never left me, he's always there to catch me when I fall, i believe in jesus, oh he's lord of lords and king of kings"...if they can do it i can right...it just takes time..only i know it takes time. but how long does it got to take. i'm sick of it. or maybe i'm just too tired...i don't know. i've been getting a little more sleep than usual...but now i'm breaking my cycle cause i don't have school tomorrow..or rather today..haha cause it's almost 1 in the morning...

and now my birthday is 2 weeks away..and then i'll be an adult..hehe 18...that's kinda scary though cause i sure don't feel like it...i don't even feel 17 now...but whatever...life goes on and ppl get older...the day will come and the day will go...but i'll still be the same...unless i choose to change right? so that's all for now...i feel a little better after confessing my confusion to my blog..hehe i love my blog so very much! ~later
1 Comments
Mood: confuzzled
: waiting to listen to krystal meyers..haha

rain_drop frustrated, irritated, disconnected from it all~krystal meyers Sep 10th, 2005 7:40:28 pm - Subscribe
soooo it's been awhile....school blows this year, seriously..not that it hasn't any other year, but everyone i hear talking about it, is complaining bout how hard it is...isn't senior year supposed to be your easiest? well, last year was pretty easy for me..but this year, started off hard from the beginning..

so wed. night was lots of fun, i was put with the four year olds, with this teacher that not many ppl want to work with..but i don't mind her. as long as the kids are there. deborah ended up working with her mom, that's why i wasn't in there, my mom was working in the 5's...no way do i want to work with her, but whatever...so anyways i'm with the same kids i had last year, which is kinda funny...i really did wannna meet the new kids, ones i don't know so well, but it's kinda nice cause these kids already knew em. one of em was crying down the hall, but when he saw me and found out i would be one of his teachers again this year, he stopped and went right in the classroom...i won't tell you who is was, though it kinda made me a little happier. and well, that's all the fun i had this week, i think every day i've been up past midnight, once i stayed up til one...cept for last night i think i feel asleep around 11...no homework to work on...hehehe...

and also perfect sent me the whole krystal meyers cd over the internet...hehe she really didn't know how to do that since i told her. anyways, i've fallen for it...it's like every song i listen to describes me perfectly or what i'm going through or where i want to be at in my life..and it's just so weird....the weirder thing is she is the only female singer i've listened to and like and have a cd off..and so on..cept for superchick and that's a band and the singers are girls but the rest of the bad are boys..so that was just another thing that made it weird..oh and i think i've listened to one female rapper before, wasn't too bad, but ya get what i'm saying..so now..comes the lyrics to describe me at the moment...cause i don't really have time to get into what happened on tues....and stuff..or about today so far...

The Way to Begin
by Krystal Meyers

Dear God
It's me again down here
Don't wanna sound insincere
I'm lost
Sometimes you're so unclear
What can I do?
I'm feeling so far from you
Frustrated
Irritated
Disconnected from it all
The weight of the world
Has pushed me to the wall

[Chorus]
I surrender
To you I'm giving in
Come take me
Save me
I want to start again
I'll open my broken heart
'Cause I've reached the end
And you are the way to begin

Ohh ohh...ohhh....

I've seen a million empty smiles
Living in denial
I don't wanna live like that
where nothing's real
I hate how it is to feel
Frustrated
Irritated
Disconnected from it all
I'm breaking
I'm aching for something beautiful

[Chorus]

All the riches in this world
Couldn't fill this great big hole (I surrender)
It takes something so much more (I surrender)
Only you can take me
You can make me whole

It's not the end this is the beginning
It's not the end...its not the end...

[Chorus]

(I surrender....I surrender....)
It's not the end this is the beginning
4 Comments
Mood: tired of crying
: krystal meyers

rain_drop whenever I try to pull through, i slip further away from you~krystal meyers Sep 11th, 2005 12:23:59 am - Subscribe
so i just went swimming with the neighbor's grandkids and my sister...for awhile..it was shady where the pool was, yet it was pretty warm, compared to last weekend when it was freezing cold...but it was fun. and i've been watching alot of gilmore girls today and yesterday cause kristen finally let my borrow season 2! i can't help it...i've fallen for it...

so early i was on for like 3 hours cause i was having a hard day and when my mom came home she knew i'd been on awhile so she was yelling at me to get off..geeze, i didn't even have enough time to do all i have to work on here. i've been working alot on myspace, fixing the blog template for that, where i post "happy things" or songs...pointless stuff..maybe i'll post a serious entry i don't know..cause i don't know who reads em or not..unless they leave comments. but anybody can read that....well they can here to, but everyone knows i'm the one writing it there cause that is on MY myspace....ahh nevermind. i've also been working on setting up a new xanga site cause now i've got more ppl wanted to read my "blogs" so i thought, what the heck i'll set one up there to..now the problem will be having enough time to update..but whatever, cause friends i know that have em update like once a week or every other week so it won't be like this one at all..it'll be less typing.....and well, just like my myspace, it won't be the "real me"...but it's fun for me just to edit these things, set um up...and format em. i love to do that, too bad i'm not supposed to be on for long periods of time that it would take for me to do all that stuff...

so last night i went to bed crying cause well, i can....i didn't have school in the morning, i didn't have any homework to work on, i finally had all the songs on the krystal meyers cd, so i listened to that, and the tears came...tears of comfort actually...yes, i'm still here, i'm stil hurting..that's sorta what i felt....that and still alone. i don't know when brit and i are gonna do something she promised soon. she never did get back to me about the concert whether she could go or not...anyways so i got a little caught up on sleep last night...

then this morning after i read outside for a bit, i returned to that dreadful room of mine, and cried a whole lot more...just from everything...life, school, stress, loneliness, emptiness.....all these emotions jumbled up inside of me...and there was that awful pain in my heart again...and before i knew it...the horrible thoughts returned..and i just wanted to...die..but not really die, more like...just cease to exist or something...cease to feel pain or hurt, or be here in the world...cause it just seems so complicated and this whole thing with God is frustrating me...to the fact where i'm sorta reading some of the bible some days...i kinda did stop after i finished the devo book. val said she'd take me out to get another one sometime...she told me that in an email she sent last thrus. i think. then she told me again wed. night...so when's it happening, well not today, don't know why...and not tomorrow, cause i don't know if she knows it or not, but that's the concert i'm so excited about...i don't know if she knows anything about it, cause i didn't even tell her about it....isn't that sad? and it's like the most important thing that's gonna happen in my life right now....maybe the funniest...i don't know. and i just really would like to tell her...yet...*sigh* so after all those thoughts entered my mind..and i kept glancing at my wrists, i knew i needed to do something before i hurt myself...so i wiped my eyes and got out of my room and went to the bathroom to rinse off my face and blow my nose. i made a deal to myself to get out of there now..and do something, and i can give in next weekend..just need to make it through that time..and well, hence the reason i stayed on the computer for three hours...but i couldn't tell my mom that. so we'll see what happens next weekend...i mean it's been at least a whole month since i hurt myself..so once at least once a month isn't as bad at 3 times a week right? i don't know. i just really wish there was someone i could call up and talk to on the phone or just go and hang out with. i thought brit was that person..sorta that i'd be able to..but yet, she's just always so busy. i would think that a person like that could make time for someone they really care about..but maybe not. i just know she must go out and hang out with other friends of hers...so why not me?

ok that's enough getting emotional for me now....hopefully i'll have a good time at the concert with morgan tomorrow...i'm still skeptical about that whole thing and the possibility of her boyfriend coming along, but whatever. it doesn't matter what i think...at least to her...ahhh my internet is sooo messed up, it's taking me forever to add this!
4 Comments
Mood: sick of trying
: krystal meyers still

rain_drop sippin on a soda with your cream cheese bagel~LA Symphony Sep 15th, 2005 9:38:26 pm - Subscribe
so i've been really busy...spending alot of time on myspace lately...i'm addicted...it's crazy ya know. so anyway sunday was the concert with KJ-52 and Grits and it was so awesome. i saw perfect there and she hung out with me and morgan and the other guys from my church that we saw there. it was lots of fun. oh and she even bought me a fabulous kj-52 shirt! hehe...

monday night lauren drives over here with shannon and they say their gonna kidnap me..haha not really..but my mom had bunco over morgan's house with our parents..and we usually hang out over there when they have it....but my mom forgot to ask me this time...and i did wanna go. besides my dad was getting into argument after argument with me...he wouldn't leave me alone while i was on the net..so i was glad to leave..good thing i didn't have much hw that night...since i was gone a long time.

tuesday...nothing interesting...no..oh wait! i got my car..that's something. morgan's old car is now mine..hehe...her mom brought it over here and had me drive her home.

wednesday..had an nhs meeting after school and then i had to go to church..fun fun..the second week of wed. nights started. we went early cause we were gonna eat dinner there, they had subway and that was good. and this week the fours and threes were combined cause they didn't have enough teachers..so there were three of us in the room and 15 kids showed up total...so after we went to large group to sing, jen took some of the kids out of our class and put em with the 5's...but it was still a whole bunch of fun~

and today i got lots of hw tonight..to make up for not having much all week...haha i just love school....not! so i gotta look up stuff about this hurricane katrina cause in english tomorrow i'm going to have to write an essay about it full of details and i have no idea what to write about. i've avoided the whole thing as much as i can...all news in fact, cause i'd rather not know..then know and get all sad and stuff about it. but i'm gonna have to look some stuff up to write an ok essay...first of all, it's gonna be hard to write and essay about something i'm forced to write about and second, i'm leaving class early to go take my driver's test...and they have to pick me up from school early for that. when they scheduled it, they picked fri, cause you don't really do much, or so they think...but not our school..oh well...i really don't like english this year. and in latin, our teacher's been gone all week and some of last week cause her mom's dying so she's with her right now...and that's really sad..cause we all love her...and now we got all this work that the other latin teacher gave our to our sub for us to do...and it's so hard! the guy beside me said "i can't do this, it's latin 4 stuff" and the funny thing about it is, he's right...no one in the class knows all the latin a "regular" latin 4 student would know...but whatever, it's not like she's gonna grade it, we just all miss her alot..so the class hasn't been too fun...

oh also today our school counselor came to our english class to talk a bunch about graduation and stuff like that...already??? geeze...i wish it could just be over with..so we got our GPA things too..and so far i got a 3.65..something they round to like 4 decimal places..and it's good that i got it that high, cause this year will lower it and i need like a 3.5 to stay in NHS..and oh yeah, service hours..it's so stupid that they don't let you use more than 10 hrs from the same place, cause i know i already got enough from church..and the thing she gave us shows how many credits we got...you need 22 to graduate and i already got 19.5 so what am i doing taking 6 classes this year! stupid school....i bet i could be done early like my cousin could have...but schools don't let you do that..my cousin was finished by dec. of her freshman year but they kept making her show up cause the school gets money for every day you attend...and they don't wanna lose that i guess. anyways just some stupid stuff about my school i feel like complaining about, yet once again.

and tomorrow i'm gonna be busy too..cause at night is the "after hours" at kristen's church that i plan to go to..i don't know how i'm getting there. i might have to go early over kristen's house cause my mom won't be able to take me around 8:30 when we would leave cause my sister has to be at our church for a snipe hunt or something...in other words, they look for candy...and then they're gonna have smores..so that's gonna be late...i hope i get to go though, i've really been looking forward to that...even though i'll be exhausted cause i always am on fridays...but i've been going to bed earlier almost all week....i've been in bed at least by 11 or soo....so maybe i'll be able to make it...

so i guess it's time to explain my subject line huh? well on myspace this rap group i love, la symphony is my friend and i was asking about this song i liked...so they responded and told me it was called "san diego" which is what i thought...but apparently this rap group isn't very popular cause i couldn't find anything about it. so then i asked them what cd it was on and they told me the cd and the site it was on that i could buy it from...so i did! cause it was a reasonable price and the shipping was only $1.95...cheapest shipping i've ever paid...haha so now i'm getting it..and i'm ecstatic...ok, maybe i'm exaggerating..but that song is awesome. it was the one i was rappin at the senior retreat and they video recorded me...it's one great song...back when u-turn radio was on, was when i had first heard it..and well i've collected many cds over the years of all the songs i liked on there...and i got one more to add..hehe...i just can't wait. here's another thing, the cd was made in 99...so it's old stuff...can't beat that, huh?

and one last thing...sunday's my birthday..and i'll be 18..boy i don't feel like it, but i will be. don't know what i'm doing for it..hehe...i'll be at church most of the day, since it is sunday..whatever..my mom asked if i wanted to go out to eat...we don't do that, hardly ever anyways, and i said no...and she said she really wanted to..i asked her to pay for my cd instead...at least it'll last longer than some expensive food in my stomach...i don't get the point of wasting money on eating out...when you can so use that money for something better..

so i hope to update soon, i wish summer was longer so i could spend more time on here doing what i love...or i wish myspace wasn't so addicting that i could actually get on here sometimes instead of on there...well, i better get started on the ton of homework i have for today...

wow this is long..guess i can find time to write when i need to..hehe
3 Comments
Mood: too busy for a mood
: The Living Stone