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rain_drop ~First Entry~ - Subscribe
So, I finally decided to start one of these journals, or should i say blogs? Anyways, it's really late do I'll just post this great song by Toby Mac that I keep thinking of. I can't get it out of my head, but that's what it's always like with me, songs are always in my head. happy.gif

Atmosphere
By: Toby Mac

I know you keep a journal and every page is rippled
From the tears that you cry, ain't no meanin' to your scribble
Cause words can't describe what you've been feelin' inside
It's like thousand foot walls, and they're still on the rise
But look up to a beautiful sound
And see for yourself you're not that far down
And know this, I cannot love a little
My promise to you is unconditional

[chorus]
And I'll keep the light on, baby
Just keep the course, you can weather the storm
I'll keep the light on, baby
You've come this far, don't you ever lose heart, now
Just turn around and I'll be there
I'm moving into your atmosphere
Just turn around and I'll be there
I'm moving into your atmosphere

I know you're all alone in a crowd full of friends
I can see it in your eyes that you're fadin' again
Checking out, moving into your hole
Where the light can't touch any part of your soul
But hold up and let the river rush in
You can turn around and start livin' again
Cause your life is a beautiful bloom
In the image of the one who created you

[chorus]

Said I'll be there, said I'll be there
Said I'll be there, always, forever
0 Comments
Mood: tired
: Toby Mac

rain_drop and all i said was someone get that girl a mood ring~Relient K Mar 23rd, 2005 12:51:59 am - Subscribe
Wow, what a day this has been. I typed my blog and then when i went to add it, i had forgot my subject line and lost the whole thing. So now i have to type another one. I figure whatever i typed i could type again since they're my thoughts.

So i have been feeling pretty happy today, which is unusual for me and I think it was because i went for a bike ride over to my friend's house yesterday. And I hung out with her and her kids. It was a lot of fun, but then I love kids, so of course i had fun with them. But then when i think about it, i'm not as happy as i was yesterday night, it's like my happiness is fading and there's only one thing that will keep me truly happy but i think i've kinda rejected that, abandoned God even. And here's the sad part, i've abandoned him when i need him most. I just think maybe i'm questioning him or maybe i don't really believe he can help me, but then i know that's wrong, but i feel like i just can't help thinking it. I know in my head what's right and stuff but not in my heart. And I know i can't rely on my feelings either. But like i just said, i know it in my head...Ahhh, it just overwhelms me so much sometimes. I hate it, I wish it could all end somehow. I wish there was a way all the pain could just disappear, all the hurt, and all my hopelessness.

Sometimes the sadness just creeps up on me...like it just did now...I started off happy but then when i started writing my thoughts and feelings, it came...so it won't be that long before i'm in the same trap i was into last week, with the tears gracing my cheeks every night. And i know i shouldn't think like that, but really, that's my reality. Which is why i was glad i was in a good mood yesterday because anytime the depressing thoughts might have slipped into my brain, i just thought of how much fun i had...How lucky i am to have a friend that lets me hang out at her house. How much young kids mean to me in my life. And this is something i've discussed with my counselor before and she thinks the reason i love kids so much, is their innocence and their williness to accept me for who i am. And i know i love it when the kids on wed. night just get so excited to see me and wave...it's just so great to see their eyes light up and a smile spread across their faces, and for what, to see me.

But today it was raining, so i couldn't bike to clear my head which is why i'm typing all this. To clear my head of my confusing thoughts...I just feel so lost sometimes and feel i know what i should be doing, but i'm not doing it, and that just makes me feel a whole lot worse sometimes. But then i shouldn't rely totally on my feelings now should I? So i should just do something about it, but i'm just so worn out and tired of all of this.

Even with this, i'm so confused, my thoughts are so jumbled and confused, jumping from one thing to the next, but i'm just glad it's here for me to use...I guess that's enough for now, i have to leave anyways since i've been on all afternoon. I need to get started on my meaningless hw, but i'll end with lyrics from the song "more than useless" because it's what i'd like to believe and it's what i know is true, but sometimes it's hard to know if you really believe something or not...I've listened to this song so many times and i've read the lyrics over and over again.~

More than Useless
By: Relient K

I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

What's the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you

And sometimes I think
that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why,
why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trival, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think
that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why,
why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I'm a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time, it's my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like he would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know

I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I'm a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

~~
2 Comments
Mood: was happy...but now more forlorn
: Relient K

rain_drop And I just want to get mugged at knifepoint, to get cut enough to wake me up~Relient K Mar 24th, 2005 3:27:01 am - Subscribe
Well, school was pretty boring again today...had another precal test, hope i did good...It rained again today so i couldn't go on a bike ride, but i really really wanted to. I'm just so sick of being stuck inside, and sometimes i just need to get away. I can't wait until tomorrow, maybe it'll finally be nice out.

Since today was Wed, i got to see the little kids at church since i volunteer with the preschoolers. They're so much fun. cept tonight we only had 4 kids, usually we have a couple more. Of course it was fun, it always is and i never wanna go home. But that's all the exciting news for today...Oh yeah and right now i don't have a door cause my dad took it off to put up a new one, but of course he won't put it up til tomorrow...but hopefully it won't be that much longer...i hate being without a door even if it is just one day. So anywayz, i'm just really tired and worn-out, i think i'll just go to bed now...but one more thing, i've been listening to this song alot lately, and well, i really like the end... wink.gif

This Week The Trend
By: Relient K

And this week the trend
was to not wake up till 3pm
I picked the few conscious hours that I chose to spend
and slept away the rest of them

and this week the trend
was to crash and burn and then return again
to practice the life that I pretend
provides enough to get me through the weekend

so I say
get me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out
way back then
and now it's this minute, this hour, this day

And this week the trend
was to backstab every single one
of my friends
and leave a voicemail message
trying to make amends
all the while hoping things
work out in the end

and this week the trend
was to borrow all the strength
that you could lend
to keep my head above the water
and not descend
back to where I said I'd never go again

So I say
give me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave
you gave me a solution
what have I done with it
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out
way back then
but after this day it's this week all over again

And I just want to get mugged at knifepoint
to get cut enough to wake me up
cut enough to wake me up
cause I know that I don't want to die
sitting around watching my life go by
and what we take from this is what we'll get and we haven't quite figured it out just yet
because all of us are all too stuck
strapped to a chair
watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up

~~
0 Comments
Mood: so very worn-out
: Relient K again

rain_drop paper, rock, and scissors they all have their pros and cons~Relient K Mar 25th, 2005 8:49:30 pm - Subscribe
So yesterday, i finally got to ride bikes with my new bike buddy. It was kinda far for me to ride over to her house, ride with her, and ride back home but we stopped by my friend V.'s house, so i got a little break. It was fun for both of us, i know esp. for me. But i can't explain how i really enjoyed the bike ride home by myself the best when it was even colder out and i was alone. Maybe that's it. It's something about how it clears my head...So it's really warm and sunny today so i think we'll go again but it's supposed to rain the rest of the weekend...

What else happened yesterday, oh i talked with my friend V. again and that was good but that's all i'll say about that. Then my mom yelled at me cause she found out i was on for an hr and a half which isn't long but maybe it is when you're expecting a phone call. Well, i guess "i forgot" isn't a good excuse. And then she told me to sit down, we have to talk. And i knew exactly what it was about cause she tried talking to me tues. night. She wants to know how i'm "feeling" and if i've been thinking any suicidal thoughts lately. Sometimes i wish i never told my counselor or that my counselor never told my mom because i really don't wanna talk with her. i know it's good that they know, but it's just so hard now. So it was only like 9:45 or something and i told her i had to go to bed, that i was really tired. And i was tired it's just usually i don't go to bed until around 11 so i got almost 8 hrs. of sleep last night. But she said we'd talk today, so i'm just not looking forward to that at all...Maybe she'll forget, but not likely...

~~
1 Comments
Mood: ~overwhelmed~
: finished a good book recently, forgot the title

rain_drop ~Good Friday~ Mar 26th, 2005 3:19:35 am - Subscribe
I decided i should also post some song on here, since it is Good Friday. Here's a song by my favorite group of rappers...It's a really powerful song, not only just reading the lyrics but when you hear it too...it's kinda long, but anywayz...

What Do You See?
By: The Cross Movement

Hear the CLINK! of the nails as they pierce His hands < And the...lash as they slash this man < Crash this man, hit and harass this man < Bash, stick and inflict mad gashes and < Mentally put yourself at the place and time < Use your faith as a way to trace the crime < Let your mind take you back laps and laps < Back track till your mind sees back to back < < All the things that happened to a silent Lamb < All in chains they trapped Him like a violent man < Like He forwarded a violent plan, but it was prophecy < That said God would be treated like unwanted property < < You've got to see the ill way that they flogged Him < Blood leaked, it was deep how they mobbed Him < Think thorns worn as a crown < Here the Jews say, "Crucify Him pass it down" < < Hear the squeals as the steel comes crashin' down < Can't get pass the sound, teeth are gnashing now < Veins snap, feel that, He's hot flashin now < Draped in blood, covered in a cap and gown < < So many crack from the straps that it numbed the back < Crucifixion makes your lungs collapse < Watch His chest---see Him gasp for breath < Hear Him...and...till there's no gasp left < <

Chorus: What do you see when you close your eyes < What will you see when your life goes by < Think hard visualize the ill mob < Either you'll feel God or your hearts real hard < <

Verse 2: Concentrate, your mind should stay in study mode < Tell your buddies, "roll" as you contemplate the bloody robe < Which was worn by the One beaten and torn < Killed by the same dust people He'd formed < But He emptied Himself---paused the wealth < Put independent use of His attributes on the shelf < < Loving men who weren't loving Him but were loving sin < Loving gin, lovin' a night at the club again < I'm Ruben' men wrong but souls will die < If my rhyme doesn't come in and blow your high < I'm right in the site of Jehovah's eye < So the gospel I'll tell till I'm old and dry < The world's cold like a frozen pie < With little sense like missing your ears, tongue, nose, and eyes < < But back to the ugliest things you've ever heard of < The murder of the One who took more flack than Roberta < They came in droves "cats" had His veins exposed < Played a game where they claimed His robe < Eyes swollen, even rearranged His nose < Only Providence helped Him sustain the blows < < Are yall seeing the One who owns it all < The King getting beaten in the Roman halls < Headed for a Roman cross, and heaven is His home and all < But He wouldn't give His home a call < Soon to dislocate His bones and all < And still wouldn't wish for His opponents fall < < Ahhh!---tired and thirsty too < Blood lossed on a cross in His birthday suit < As He droops, pooped from attempts to breathe < I grieve...tears stop my attempts to read < The sign hanging over Him limp and weak < It's (Memphis) bleak---How could this have been meant to be.

< < Repeat Chorus < <

No time to blink, but just continue to think of Scripture < Let it convict ya, focus get in to picture < Watch it blow you square off the rector < As it teaches you of the real Victor < Who prevails, you hear the crucifixion details < Now ask yourself why's our life still derailed < And why we fail to live for the One we nailed < This same Jesus, you know the One we Hail < < With our lips but not with our lives < Time see with the heart and not with our eyes < See the Son, the One, who was hung like a poster < Was buried, but popped up like a toaster < Got all the host of heaven makin a toast to < The King of Kings who brings God and men closer < < Sin's roped ya, guns out the holster < Can't stay alive even with John Travolta < Now I hope to pull you off the sofa < Cut the TVs pause the CD's, the culture < Is in the midst of a raging storm < The rage is on, obituary page is long < Life is short, but casket sales are high < No surprise that numbers in the jails are high < On the streets anything you want they'll supply < That's why beer, crack and weed sales are high < < Love songs making you wail and cry < Number of pregnant single females is high < Youth get high---deal just to get by < Doing street corner business with no suit & tie < It’s "do or die", truth or lie, you and I Refuse to try, and trust the Crucified < Yo what do you see when you close your eyes?< What will you see when your life goes by?

< < Repeat Chorus < <

0 Comments
Mood: insecure
: Cross Movement