so i've been home since wed. and so far things are ok i guess...i mean i'm home alot so far...and i just exist here...i watch tv, get on my laptop...on the net...and here i am..just here...

the fri. before i left i talked to cameron and jeannette again and i told em what happened over thanksgiving break...i told em what happened the week after that...i talked with them and told em the fears i had coming home....how i was scared of myself..just everything pretty much...i just might end up back in conseling now after that..i mean, i can't keep hurting myself..and that incident with the straightener really scared me..yes, i burned my legs with my straightener..how stupid can i get? i told them how i was scared that the next time i would just get out a razor or something..how next time i just might make myself bleed. i remember when i first started scratching myself, i promised myself that i wouldn't use a razor...that i wouldn't be a "cutter"...that i wouldn't bleed...that what i was doing wasn't bad at all...but it soon got out of control and i realized my addiction to this disease...but never ever would i bleed....and so far, i haven't...but i burned myself a couple weeks ago....left scars on my legs that are finally now, just starting to fade away...so what's stopping me from bleeding next time..and who's stopping me now??

well after that, they both made sure i had their phone numbers and told me to call anytime over the break...see, this is just what i needed before, ppl to talk to..i'm not saying it'll stop me..i make my own decisions..but having ppl know, it makes me feel bad if i do this...but before i felt kinda stuck, cause i really didn't know ppl from school all that well..and then the friends from home, i really don't talk to that much anymore like i use to...but not only that, i've been talking to mary a whole lot more now..and i told her before i left too...so now i have her to call to..and plus she gets on the internet and talks to me too...

so with all these ppl to hold me accountable t this...i shouldn't do it right..yet now more than ever i wish i could do it and not feel bad..that i could do it and not tell anyone...because all i want to do now is cry..but i've been trying for days and i can't just lay here and cry....even my musik isn't enough at this moment..why wait and hold it all in..and then explode? why can't i just cry now...why does it take hurting myself to make myself cry sometimes..not all the time...but sometimes...why does it take self-inflicted pain for me to express the deep ache in my heart? sometimes i just really don't understand myself and my emotions...actually, alot of times i don't understand...

now tomorrow is church...very early in the monring...so while i feel like i haven't written here enough lately..and while expressing myself this way feels real good right now...i should stop so i can get some sleep tonight..that is if i can go to sleep...i just really wish i was back at college now..with my friends....as much as i love the kids here and want to spend time with them..this being back home is not working out for me..not at all...why can't i just cry now and get it out before it gets worse???