gosh, i have so much homework to do. starting with my essay for government "this i believe"...well in order to start writing it i have to believe in something..and i'm not sure what i believe anymore..if i believe in anything..or even if i believe in believing..ahh why is life so complicated?

in latin today, we had a free day. so kristen turned around to start sharing her "problems" about not knowing what to get her boyfriend for christmas. only she wasn't talking to me, of course, she was talking to the other two girls who sit behind her. why? i have no clue, maybe she feels like i don't wanna hear about it..and well this i didn't but not other stuff. but then how can i expect her to talk to me about things like that when i don't open up to her. i mean she has no idea. i think that's why she complains to them so much, cause they complain back. it seems like she's been complaining alot about her parents lately, they don't like her boyfriend...and i dunno, i'm too "happy" to get what she's talking bout. it just seems like in latin, with those girls around for her to talk to she just kinda ignores me. she scoots her desk over there and i can't even hear her sometimes...but when i do try to say something, i'm blown off..or i'm told to wait. and it just makes me feel so left out. but then in english class, when their not around she'll talk to me...and be my partner when we do group work. so anyways i was just so sick of it today that i got out my notebook (i started carrying a school type notebook around to journal in cause i've been writing so much that loose leaf paper is everywhere--in my folders, notebooks, backpack..i have to keep all my secrets in one place..so i found an old notebook. then i moved over by the wall so i could write privately and be alone..and i did. about how frustrating school is, trying to have friends, the stupid college application i've been putting off, still missing jen, wishing i could hang out with her, all this stuff i have due before midterms, my poem i have to write this weekend, my essay i have to write tonight, my calculus quiz tomorrow..it's all just too much. so i wrote..and wrote..and wrote...5 notebook pages...and not once did kristen seem to notice i was gone. she never said anything to me. i didn't expect her too though cause she was absorbed in her own life...so i moved over across the room to be absorbed in my own world..of thoughts and feelings..and my own drama..if that's what you want to call it. so then we had 5 min. left and so i went back over to my desk and her purse was there so i got her phone and started taking pixs. i like taking random pix of things..hehe..so i took a pix of carmex and the monkey on the side of her purse...well, i don't think she was too happy with that, whatever, i've taking pix with her camera phone before. anyways you can just delete them, i was trying to have a little fun. but then when we left and she stood outside the class to wait for her boyfriend, i passed by and in a happy and cheery voice she yells bye *rain_drop*...i mumbled bye and walked on. i wasn't in the greatest mood. i'm still not. it's just one of those days...or maybe it's cause...

last night i tried doing my devo again but i'm stuck. i don't know why..it's just i've been getting it out trying to do the lesson and there's some reason i can't. last night i got to a part when it asked *how do you know god loves you* and i just stared at it...and thought i don't...gosh..it's just frustrating, cause i know the right answers to put but when am i gonna start believing what i'm writing down...and i can't write anything if i don't believe it cause then it's a lie right? so i tried and tried to think of something to right down..but that was it, i had enough. i was so frustrating i threw the book in my backpack, turned the light off, and started crying...and cried myself to sleep. and now i don't even wanna look back in it. i have to though cause it's been at least a week now and val will be expecting to meet with me soon..and i just can't get it done. i have one more lesson after this one for the third chapter. but with that and all the homework and all the frustration, i choose to sit down here and type and type and type til i feel like stopping..where unlike at school i have to stop at some point cause my hand starts hurting really bad...but i'm serious when i say i need to get off and do my homework now cause it's nearly 10 and i haven't started yet..and like i said before, i gotta pick something "i believe" and type and essay on it tonight..along with my load of other work. but unlike in my devo, i can make up something on this essay and turn it in...without caring..it would just be a whole lot easier for me to type something if i truly believed in it..i don't know...maybe i can think of something.

oh yeah, and tuesday wasn't the math team test, the teachers forgot to tell us it was rescheduled for next tuesday..just what i need, to stay after school and go to another school and take a test the day before finals start...when i need to study..although i know i hardly will..it'd be nice if i had the motivation...it'd be nice if i believed i could do good. tomorrow i stay after for physics ess..what fun...ahh maybe it'll snow and school will be canceled..wouldn't that be nice?

so i just did a word count of this and it's a little over a thousand words..and our essay only has to be 500..so it's about half of this..i guess that's not that bad..it's short...

and these are dedicated to my bad mood. oh joy.