there's no stopping the negative thoughts pouring into my mind right now. there's no stopping the tears that are dripping down my cheeks as i try to be as quiet as possible so not to wake my younger sister sleeping in the bed across the room. the musik blaring in my ears from the headphones. the negativism held in those lyrics, the emotions stirred up inside me from these songs. nothing will stop me from listening to them. to taking their pain on as my own. walking through their painful memories with them when i'm not at all steady enough to do so myself. not strong enough to deal with it now. the anger just pours out of my heart...but i can't just scream and let it out...cause ppl are sleeping. there's nothing stopping me from doing what i shouldn't...yet i'm not and i don't know why. it's weird. but the thorn is still stuck in my heart, i can't pull it out. i wish i could...i really do. but it's been there for years now. at times it hasn't hurt as much, the pain went away...but whenever i move or get too upset, i remember it's there, right in my chest, and it hurts again. i can't see it...i can only feel it. there. hurting me. haunting me. memories may fade sometimes but the hurt does not. and the music only helps to influence the thoughts and pain i feel...yet i still listen. there's not much else to do. the only thing left to do now is to just get in the car and drive really really fast...and go nowhere and anywhere...yet that scares me now...so i'll be safe, keep it inside, stay inside...hurt in the dark depths...in the shadows..tomorrow i'll be fine. so they say. so you think. but i'm so alone. so very and utterly alone. i'm broken and at this point there's nothing and nobody that can fix me. there's no escape, i have to face and endure the pain. how much though...how much til i'm done. til i pass the test and get to move on with my life. will i be able to move on? or will i be dead. death will get the better of me before too long. tonight, i wrote in a real journal, the first time since october of last year...i wrote down instead of typing my thoughts and feelings..yet it did no good cause i'm now typing on here. maybe it did some. but not enough. the fact is, i'm scared to write down everything because i'm afriad someone will find it. i'm more scared that they'll find my journals then my online blogs...know what i realized right now...writing calms me down. i'm much calmer now. i think i'll make it tonight. the tears are drying on my cheeks...my nose is clearing...my eyes are finally tried and heavy...it's not easy living this life i'm living...it's not easy being at home..no one seems to care. no one at all. i try to talk to people, i really do. but it's hard...especially since being home has given me the opportunity to retreat into myself once again. to hide my feelings and what i'm going through from ppl...i can convince lots of people that my summer's good so far, i'm babysitting alot, i'm happy...but if i really take time to think about it...those are just lies. i'll never really be happy...kids can only satisfy me for a moment. i don't even think they can really bring joy in my life, jus ta bit of happiness for a moment...i want more than anything to run away because i see no good coming from staying here. i'm sick of it, i'm sick of people telling me i can work it out with my family. that i need to be more positive. that i need to try. all these things that i need to do. when what i really need is someone just to care about me. to love me. to not tell me what i'm doing wrong..or what i should do. i just need someone to love me...and recognize the pain i am feeling at this moment...during this time in my life...when i feel as if my world is crashing down before me....but right, that's just being selfish and such..and i don't deserve something like that. not for the way i've been living...not for how i'm acting or my attitude towards people...but so what!?! what do i care...yes, i'm in pain. so, i might get over it eventually. i just need to yell at someone....and if i can't...i need to be able to write freely on here and have people just accept what i have to say...this is what i'm feeling...this is what i have to say. this is who i am, for the moment...it's easier to stay in this place that causes me great pain and feelings of failure. i just can't explain any more. i must get some rest...