i've been blogging on xanga lately...

which explains my lack of updates here...

but i'm back at college, thanksgiving break is over..i've been here 4 days now...and still haven't "talked" to anyone about what happened at the end of break.

sat. night i gave in...and hurt myself...i was just sick of crying in my bed...sick of being home...and thought it really didn't matter if i did it anymore..cause it's not like anyone asks me about it anymore...i don't really have to tell anyone either...at least that's what i was thinking when i dug my nails into my skin...when i scratched my arms...my legs....when i went into the bathroom and found a nail file to use to scratch them even more....i'm so horrible...

i hadn't done it all year either..it was something i promised myself i wouldn't do this year...it was something i hadn't done in over a year too...i made it so far...and then...

sunday night...it really didn't matter to me anymore..i already gave in, so what was one more time..my last night in my house before heading back to college...i didn't want to leave my room this time...so when my nails didn't satisfy, i found my keys and used those...two days ago i still had slight marks on one of my arms, it was either from the keys or the nail file..i dunno...i just know i would always go to sleep and wake up and the scars would be gone..this time they remained…much longer than they used to…i know this is probably the worst i've ever done before...but still no blood...as long as i'm not bleeding i'm fine...right?

after that happened on sunday night i went for a drive....i wanted this to stop...so while i was driving listening to my musik...tears streaming down my face...i was still digging my nails into my skin...why couldn't i stop??? it was awful..i drove around for an hr. and 15 min...and finally after that i had calmed down...and had a huge headache...and finally felt like i could return home...and sleep...

and now, i'm stuck here...feeling more guilty than ever...mary and tricia know something happened cause i wrote some stuff on my xanga...just not all...mary was trying to get me to talk the other day..why can't i just do it? talk to her. holding all this inside is too much for me....i'm about to burst...which is why i turned here..to this place....where all my secrets lie....but this place can't help me at all...

two days ago i decided to punish myself for what i did....i found some nail clippers and cut off my fingernails...as much as i could...the way my dad used to do it when i was a little kid and i screamed cause he'd cut them way too short...every time i push on the tips of my fingers...where the skin is tender, it hurts..and is a reminder to the mistakes i have made...every time i type...a few more days and the pain will subside...but i'll still be here...with this guilt weighing me down...