i've bout cried like a million times today..and all of it started on the way to church..and continued throughout the whole day. i hate when i feel like this...i just hate it. there's nothing to do but hw...i'm all alone, everyone's out doing whatever and here i sit...and usually i enjoy it but for some reason knowing my friends aren't here, i can't enjoy time to myself..but when they are here, i can. i confuse myself way too much.

i was online forever last night, buying cheap movies..ordering pixs....i was on for like 5 hrs. straight and i got nothing done...really, nothing. i was just alone and bored again. this has got to be the worst first weekend back. hmm....kinda like the weekends i had back in august...

"I know that you've been hurting
So much has led up to this
Your eyes are burning
Hard times make the heart resist
All that you want is to follow your dreams
They all fall apart at the seams"

been listening to mxpx alot lately. got this free download thing for 14 days...amazing...

but not all things are good...like today, i really wanted to hurt myself...really really really bad..and then i just wanted to cry..but when i locked myself in the bathroom i couldn't do it, either...i hate that. i just wish the feelings would go away....and then later on, when i was watching peter pan, i did cry. stupid movie. but not enough to get out what i need to...not enough to release the pain that is held up within me.

and i could've went home with mary and tricia this weekend...i could have. it's not like mary didn't ask me. but i can't explain why i didn't. i just knew it wasn't the right time for me...i wish i could have though...but they'll be back tomorrow and hopefully i'll be better....hopefully.

there's so much more to write..there always is...i'm just not in the mood..i'm too...sad..lonely...too everything.