..and she fears she's a failure..
she forgets that god loves her...
you tried and you failed hold your head up high
you climbed and you fell hold your head up high
you tried and you failed hold your head up high
hold your head up hold your head up high
~superchick


i didn't really know her that well...it was at a party...7th or 8th grade for one of my girl scout friends. she held it at her church and a few ppl i knew were there. she had the same name as me...i hung out with her and morgan during that time along with the girl who was having the party when she wasn't busy hanging out with those i didn't know. morgan knew her really well, they were close school friends i guess. her dark brown curly hair was so pretty and i remember her being very tall...she was goofing off with ppl and she was laughing and smiling and seemed to be having a good time..til we went to the bathroom. walking out of the bathroom she tells her friend she's fat. that she needs to lose weight. that she's ugly. so this girl was trying to cheer her up, telling her she's pretty...not fat..those kinds of things. this was before i had "major problems" in life...i never really encountered someone with that low of self esteem before. she declared that she was going on a diet...the other girl laughed and said you always say you're going on a diet...which she agreed to and laughed. other than that the rest of the party i can't remember. but images of that girl stick in my memory, especially her bright green eyes...

years later we move into my high school career....never did i think about that girl again til now....5 years later she's actually in one of my classes....although you wouldn't recognize her...except for the name..and i thought and thought and said yeah this is her....and the only reason i really noticed her was because of her looks...

i see her walk in class, she's even taller now...but there's so many differences about her..first of all she was never really fat, just bigger than most girls her age at the time...and now she's so skinny it looks impossible that she could stand up..because of her height..her arms are so long and skinny..and her legs...but then you get to her head which is still big and round that you totally can see she's out of proportion...her skinny neck doesn't even look like it can support her head. i'm not trying to be mean..it's just what i noticed when i saw her..she looked sickly...her skin was very pale and her hair was bleached blond..very blond....this girl who was struck me as pretty..now just stuck me as ugly and distorted....and immediately i knew what was wrong with her, she had to be anorexic. the only person i've ever talked to that i know's anorexic is the girl on here..perfect..and she's the reason i'm writing this..to describe what can happen years on down the road when you become obsessed with your weight....this girl is really close to one of the girls in my latin class..let's call her ren. so ren was talking one day about how upset she was and everything..and how she just found out her best friend's anorexic. well, i knew who she was talking about it..and i wonder, how can you be best friends with this girl and not know..i took one look at her and could tell..not because she was skinny...i know there are girls that are just like that, but she looked deathly..and sick..she had no color in her face...her eyes were set deep in her face...but i didn't say any of that, i just listened...

today this girl has been out of school the whole week so far, i thought nothing of it til today. ren was called down to the office during latin today and they had asked her how her friend was doing cause they know she's close friends with her. well, when she came back in the room she called the girl's grandmother to ask how she was doing...

this girl is now in the hospital. she has been there for awhile now. she's not doing well at all. they think she might even die. not only was she anorexic...she was bulimic too..so she can't keep any food down in her. when you're so used to throwing up food all the time, there comes a point when you're body will just naturally throw up anything that goes inside of you. it's pretty much out of her control anymore..only the doctors can try to help her. ren said if she dies, she's literally going to kill herself. i don't know whether to believe her or not..i don't know who's really serious about anything anymore. i just know it's a terrible thing to be in the hospital simply because you don't eat. you don't know how to take care of youreslf. that you're self image is so distorted that you will starve yourself just to look skinny. and when you're there, it's never enough...it's never enough...i really hope this girl gets better...i really hope she's ok and that she lives. it's so terrible the things that are happening with ppl at my school...our school's just so different than most, i'm sure tons of kids have serious problems, it's just no one knows much about anything like that. but i can't tell you the number of times this year that i've heard kids talking about how they can't wait for the weekend so they can get drunk or "wasted"...or how many times they have sex..or about girlfriend and boyfriends living together..or who smokes..how long has this stuff been going on..and how could i have gone this long without hearing about it before...and why...why do i have to hear it now? i guess my school's really not all that different from other schools...

perfect, i hope reading this makes you think...about all of what you're doing. i know the pain hurts..i know family stinks. but you do not wanna end up like this girl, you don't wanna be in the hospital fighting for your life. i know you don't. but then i also know you can't stop this disease from tearing you apart by yourself. you need help....help to freedom. the quicker you conquer this battle, the easier things will be. the healthy you will be...and...you might even be a little happier..hehe..who knows. i just hope you seriously consider what you are getting yourself into..is image really all that important? *sigh*