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aleaffalls jump - Subscribe
Why do you expect things from me, for me to come running at your beck and call, for me to relieve you of any uncomfortable or undesired situations, when you've done nothing for me?
Yeah, I know I said I'd be there for you when you need me, that I'd be happy to help you with any problems. But I hadn't account for the fact that you wouldn't talk to me for days at a time, would hardly acknowledge my presence when I'm over at your place, would make no effort whatsoever to see how I'm doing. And then you text me at 4 in the morning to let me know that you are bored and that I should come hang out with you. There was no "Hi, how are you?" no consideration for the fact that I could've been sleeping (which is very valid considering how I usually sleep at 1. I just couldn't sleep on this particular night.) You just selfishly wanted your sense of boredom and loneliness to vanish. But what about me? What about the fact that the past few days, you had me wondering why you hadn't made any contact with me? What of the loneliness and abandonment I felt?

And then you get mad at me for not humoring you. Well I'm sorry babe, but maybe you should've texted one of those young girls who is so "in love" with you. Given their immaturity, and that of yours, I'm sure you would've been much more entertained by one of them.





you didn't like him; you thought he wasn't good enough for me. but at least he paid attention to me, at least he didn't repeatedly break my heart.
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Mood: used

aleaffalls Patience, my dear child, is a virtue. Aug 7th, 2008 6:03:28 am - Subscribe
I hate waiting.

Well, no, I hate waiting with uncertainty. I hate waiting for someone to come and pick me up (or just to get here) without giving me a specific time. I hate waiting in ridiculously long lines not knowing how long it will take or how many more minutes or hours until I can go home and relax. I hate waiting to see how I did on a test.
I hate that feeling of anxiety -- of uncertainty. Of not knowing; not knowing if everything is or will be alright or not. The suspense is draining and often leaves me feeling empty and needing something.someone concrete. "Maybe if I can just touch someone, be in their embrace, maybe it'll go away. Maybe they'll keep me grounded and I won't feel helpless not knowing. Maybe they'll wait with me."

---The world is full of wait. We're constantly waiting. Waiting for a new day. The next semester. A new year. Another chance. A fresh start. It's impossible to escape the web of Wait. Since birth, we've been caught in it and it has done its job and we are surrounded by Wait.---

And I wait. I wait for my anchor. The object that will keep me from being caught in the undertow and pull me out to sea. I wait with uncertainty, not knowing when it will ever come and provide me with security, or if it will come at all. i wait.

will you ever come? will You change your mind?

I don't know how long I can hold on. You were right, it is hard to wait for something that you know may never happen. Especially if it's everything you've ever wanted.
But if it IS everything you want, it's worth the wait, right? Even if it may not happen? But who knows? It could. Waiting is a process built of uncertainty. And uncertainty means that there's a chance.

And a chance means a future.
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Mood: terrible

aleaffalls dot.dot.dot. Aug 2nd, 2008 7:43:19 am - Subscribe
I hate it when people fight. My parents especially. When they fight, not only does the darkness looms over their heads, it seems to engulf the whole house. The silence doesn't just come from us kids. It oozes out from the walls. It doesn't matter where you go; kitchen.bathroom.your own room even. It's inescapable. Quietness from all angles of the house except from the mouths of the two eldest members of the family. Shouts of the past.the present.the future. Threats of beatings and leavings. Chaos spills from their mouths. It's inescapable and unbearable. We speak nothing but silence.

Why do I even come back?
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Mood: helpless

aleaffalls I hate myself for having these "ups" and "downs" moments so frequently. Nobody deserves to be at the recieving end of it. Aug 1st, 2008 6:26:31 am - Subscribe
Why does loving you hurt so much?

A. tells me I should let go. I know this. But I can't. I'm too attached.

Sometimes I wish I would have just stop fighting back at the lake. Stop kicking and just fall into the welcoming darkness.

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night because I'm coming to the realization that chances (and hope) are getting slimmer by the day.
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Mood: regretful

aleaffalls Awkwardness and Pain Jul 29th, 2008 7:55:09 am - Subscribe
C. said to me the other day, after we engaged in some deep physical bonding activities, "Lets try to not act awkward around each other like we did last time." Then he walked out of the room and into the bathroom. As I laid there on the bed, I was utterly confused because I did not know of this "awkwardness" that he spoke of. Thinking back to a few days after the last time we Bonded, I didn't recall acting out of the norm or anything of the sort. All of my reactions were how they would've been if the same situations came up at a different time.

Then it dawned on me.

The awkwardness that he felt was me failing to hide my pain and heartache. About a week and a half after the Last Time was when I felt like I didn't have a good enough reason to live anymore. The person that I trusted.loved.admired.//.mybestfriend. broke my heart and I thought that the one person that I live for and try so hard to please could cast me aside so quickly, then why can't I do the same to myself. (I tried/I couldn't go through with it. I guess I don't love him or need him to return the love to me as much as I thought I did.) And while I wanted him to know how much I was hurting (because I still secretly hoped that he would undo it all by saying we'll be together) I didn't want him to know, because I did not want him beating himself up about it. --It's heart-wrenching to see the one you love spiraling down a well of depression and know that you're the one that caused it.-- I guess in the midst of all of my contradictory desires, I did not conceal my emotions very well.
I wanted to hold him. But couldn't look at him without crying.
I wanted to yell at him. To beat him. I wanted him to feel the same shredded-heart feeling that I was enduring.
But I wanted him to be happy.
I wanted to caress his face.his hair.his back.

I wanted to love him and to hate him.

Interesting how pain, when received with ignorance, can be easily mistaken as awkwardness.
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aleaffalls "Carter" Jul 20th, 2008 8:54:42 am - Subscribe
Dear "C",

I remember you asking me once what my thoughts were on you joining a fraternity. If I recall correctly, I never gave you a direct response. I told you that the decision is yours to make; that if you feel like joining them will make you feel a sense of wholeness and belonging, then you should. However, it was still something that you had to figure out for yourself and pass judgment on.

Well, here's my opinion. True and uncensored. Although too late for it to change anything, as you have crossed over from a pledge to an active, I still feel that it deserves a recognition of its own.

It seems to me as though you joined them not because you wanted to develop a deep unwaivering relationship with your to-be brothers. From what I have heard, you just want to fill a hole within you. I feel that, because you feel so lost, you wanted to go through the pledging process to "find yourself" and that you since you haven't had any success making it on your own, you figured, "Why not let them help me?". I get the feeling as if you believe that you're an outsider to the world and to your friends. That sometimes, you just don't fit in. I think that you believe that if you submerge yourself into some type of organization, such as a fraternity, then you would be forced to become like them therefore fitting in. You long to lose this sense of loneliness and uncertainty. And it doesn't matter how that comes about, even if it means that you'd have to be accepted as a blurry face in a crowd of many that make up one image. You want to be liked by your peers and you feel that the only way to achieve that is to be liked as part of group and not for yourself. If you're associated with the cool kids, then you, yourself, will be cool.

But don't you see, dear, that you are not this shapeless mass of energy? That you are an individual already? You don't need a group of guys to help you find yourself. Because you're already found. You found who you are on your way to getting to where you are. It may not seem enough. But it is. It really is. You have friends that love you and love hanging out with you just the way you are. If anything, being a part of the fraternity would make you feel MORE of an outsider, because you have something that the rest of them don't have. You have an understanding of yourself. You are already this established individual that marches to the beat of your own drum. You are adventurous and free-spirited. Becoming labeled as a Greek letter would only coup you up more; not open you to more possibilities. Now, I fear that you will be dissatisfied with your commitment because you have to change what was a perfectly established personality into one of the mass-produced.

So no, I don't think that you joining the fraternity was a good idea. But it was one that you made on your own and for that, I'm proud of you. I'm proud that you actually went through with something that you were unsure of. That you were able to commit. I really hope that I'm wrong. Because you do deserve happiness. You deserve everything you desire. Because I know you, and you wouldn't allow yourself to want what you don't think you should get.

Love,
me.
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Mood: torn

aleaffalls What does betrayal mean Jul 19th, 2008 1:46:15 am - Subscribe
BETRAYAL

2. to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.
3. to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to: to betray one's friends.
4. to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence: to betray a secret.



8. to seduce and desert.
(according to dictionary.com)

BETRAYAL, a form of deception or dismissal of prior presumptions, is the breaking or violation of a presumptive social contract (trust, or confidence) that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations. (From Wikipedia).



It's straight forward enough right? If you've ever felt as if anyone you've trusted has ever let you down by deliberately doing something that they know would hurt you, then the word "betray" would be used and.or thought of as a fitting description. Betrayal is not a hard concept to wrap one's head around...

But... what if the trust and the expectations that you have for someone isn't suppose to be there? What if, before anything, it was decided that no extra emotions should, nor would, be involved? What if the trust that exist between the two parties is executed from only one of those people. What if, despite everything you know and agreed to, you put yourself in a position where a betrayal would be likely and easily carried out?

It's not like I didn't try to keep myself from being hurt. Who seriously would run into a burning house because they wanted to? I didn't ask to develop feelings for you. I knew falling in love with you wouldn't have have resulted well. But it's not like I could control it. The heart is a powerful thing and if it wants something badly enough, it can overpower the mind. No doubt.

In the same sense, it feels pain more effectively than the brain can sensor out. The pawns that one's psyche has to fend off any threats of pain are so weak that the slightest signs of pressure would break the barrier in an instant. What good is the brain, the MOST powerful and complex organ that a human possesses, if it cannot protect us from heartache.

The question still remains though: can it be called a betrayal still even if the trust.the expectations.the care.the love that you have for someone is unrequited, do you still call it a betrayal when they break your heart? When they are aware, but nevertheless engage, in acts that makes you feel like you don't have a reason to live anymore. When they know that all you want is for them to return the love that you have so willingly poured out to them, but they go and give it to someone else. Is it still a betrayal?



Can I feel this way..?
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Mood: Suicidal

broknangel Musicians Apr 16th, 2008 11:02:55 am - Subscribe
Its like a whole different world... wake up in the middle of the night and write a song, play guitar til 3am, and practice some more when you get up in the morning. I admire it and yet I hate it so. Okay so it was my choice to move in with him. I knew all along what he was like, and i knew that it would be hard for me, but I love him, and i knew that no matter what it was going to work because we were right.

Was I right? i guess in a way I was... then again... maybe not. Our relationship? stronger than ever. Our finances? lower than ever. I suppose the sickness hasnt helped. if i was able to work we wouldnt be in such a financial rut... Or maybe if he payed for more... but i darent ask him to pay for food or power or rent or any of the bills because i know how much this band means to him and how he already wishes he could put more money into it. but when he gets over $600 and I only get $180 i do wonder why it is that im left to pay for everything.

When do i get my break. When do i get to buy cool stuff? New clothes. i only have one pair of pants. one jersey. two pairs of socks. My underwear has holes in it and is falling apart, my only pair of shoes have holes in the soles... When do i get a break? every week i spend every cent i earn on food, and rent, and power, and petrol... to drive him to work and back, to keep a roof over his head... to keep him from starving.


I feel like im drowning, and yet in a way ive never been happier. i couldnt imagine being without him, i love him so much, and when i look at him i cant help but smile.


Does he hear me cry at night? Does he see the tears prick at my eyes as i hand over my last few coins to buy groceries, or petrol. Does he realize how stressed out and upset I am? No... because i keep it together for him. I just want him to have things good. I want him to feel secure, and I want him to think that everything is okay and he can take that time if he needs to to relax, and de-stress.

I THINK IM GOING TO EXPLODE =[
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Mood: misunderstood

broknangel Just an old blogger returned Apr 15th, 2008 12:46:09 am - Subscribe
Wow blogs aye. the older you get the less time you have to update them.

So im 19 now. It sounds better than it feels although im pretty sure i couldnt handle my life situation a couple of years ago.

So things happened at my old flat and a few months ago i moved in with my boyfriend, which i have to say might have been the best decision ive made thus far because no matter what happens ive always got him beside me to hug me and tell me everythings going to be okay, which in reality could be a lie, but its okay cos its one of those things that makes you feel better anyway. And I live with a bunch of uncomplicated chilled out people who do complain and fuss but not to the point where i feel like pulling out a gun and shooting them all, or myself. Haha, okay so nothing has gotten that bad. Okay so its a bit of a struggle, i mean what with rent and food and power and phone, and internet, for two people on the tiny amount I get off my sickness benefit and what he gets from his work its really hard to live, but we are still happy, and thats al that really matters.

Oh yeah did i mention my sickness. I got glandular fever awhile ago, i quess it was rather serious, but i was getting better when i started having seizures, so to make a long story short ive had about 7 months off work and had to be on the sickness benefit. and through several bad reactions to medications, possible liver failure, and a few other shocks, things are finally starting to get better.

i got a kitten, a cute one. okay theyre all cute. but she is awesome... cept she has just started pooing in the house which is kinda a disaster, especially if the landlord finds out....

and i got my tongue pierced. which hurt less than i expected and yet i must say hurt way too much for my liking lol, and still hurts when i eat spicy food, but its got a cool ball on it now, and it never ceases to keep me amused during bored patches in my day....

i dont really have much to say, especially since my bf is looking over my shoulder and calling me a geek cos im blogging, and until now he hadnt really realized how much of a computer nerd i really am. anyhow i spose i should go cos there is always work to be done.
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Mood: chilled

broknangel One Life, Many Stories Dec 16th, 2007 8:10:23 am - Subscribe
Its so great isnt it, when things suddenly feel like they are falling into place. Theres nothing like that feeling of waking up beside someone you love... that first kiss in the morning, getting up and going about life knowing that when you go to bed that person is going to be beside you.

So i did it. I took the leap. Yes ive slept with him, and ive basically lived with him, and ive talked to him almost every day for the past 5 and a half months, but i havent ever said the L word... I was too scared. understandably, after all the hurt, and betrayal, and everything i have been through, i was just too afraid, and yet, unknown to me, all he needed was for me to say it, to break through the boundary of fear that was stopping me, and okay, i was drunk, and i would have said just about anything...but i didnt say anything... i said i loved him. And he said it back...sure it stopped the sex we were in the middle of, but it also opened up this whole new fountain of amazing feelings. just knowing that he loved me, and knowing that he knew i loved him, made me feel like my life was so whole...

His sister, earlier in the night, before either of us had had alcohol, told him that she used to think he should never reproduce, not because of him, but because of all the chicks he used to go out with, and what they were like, and then she looked at me and she told us both that now she could really see us being together forever, and that she was expecting me to have a lot of kids, except not for a very long time, and instead of getting embarassed, or disagreeing, he just smiled...

I could write a story about my life. It would be a lot like one of those stories you read that people who dont give a damn about proper spelling, and just tell things how they are write. about teenage girls... and about what they go through. and what ive gone through... It would include the throwing up, and the cutting, and it would tell about falling in love... and my life sorting out... and finding my nook... where i really belong...

and most of all it would tell about life... and that everyone goes through these things. that anyone can come out the other side...you just need to help yourself... its you and you alone
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Mood: Loved