My Friends: perfect110, misty_rain, tlfanatic, broknangel, aleaffalls
My Blogs Previous Page Next Page


aleaffalls qwerty keys - Subscribe
all that worrying for nothing. you just gotta not overthink stuff, let things happen naturally, let nature take its course, and soon, everything shall reveal itself and you'll find out how you truly feel.

i'm not hurt; in fact, i'm pretty content. it's interesting.

maybe the worrying prepared myself for the worse
0 Comments

broknangel The Big Update Dec 5th, 2007 5:48:33 pm - Subscribe
Whoa, so time flies huh?
About 8 months ago life took a turn for the better when i made the decision to move out of home...It hasn't been easy that is for sure, but it was well worth it. I've met some awesome people, and some horrible people, and some people who have just taught me a few things about myself. Sometimes I've wondered why i did it, sometimes I've been lonely, sometimes I've thought if only I had done things differently, but here I am, and i wouldn't change anything.

When I first moved in, it was just me and this girl, and we got on incredibly well, and although its been slightly rocky at times, we still do get on really well... Well she told me to join this dating website. Although it wasn't really my style, and i had just gone through a painful breakup, i joined, just for the hell of it. I talked to old guys, creepy guys, young guys, and guys that maybe should be removed from existence, but there was one guy i talked to, who i got on with quite well, and we became friends. He would txt me, or we would talk on msn, we didn't meet, there was just no need to, we were friends.

Well exactly 5 months and 1 day ago i invited him around for a party...and now i wouldn't be without him for the world.

4 months ago i caught Glandular Fever, and it hit me in one of the most severe doses that my doctor had ever seen, and to this day i still haven't quite recovered. I got my first ambulance ride, and spend the night in hospital and suddenly had everyone that now lived with me doing everything for me. Hiring videos, making food, buying orange juice, and apple juice, and fruit, checking on me day and night... and most people would enjoy that, but for me, who has always been extremely healthy and independent, it was just frustrating. And my slow recovery was even more frustrating.

Well about 3 weeks ago i had finally started to feel almost normal again and my boyfriend and I were on our way to his place with my driving (because nobody drives my car, i love it too much), and as i was driving i had a seizure, and my boyfriend had to grab the steering wheel and the handbrake. I was quickly rushed to the doctor who ordered a CT scan. A week later as i was laying in bed, had just woken up I turned over to talk to my boyfriend and i had another seizure. I made a doctors appointment, and slept for the rest of the day. A week later i went to the doctor, who sent me straight to the hospital, now worried that i had a brain tumor of some sort. I was let out that night and i went home with my boyfriend. Three days later i was once again sent into the hospital to have my CT scan, which although was scary was manageable. The next day i was at my boyfriends talking to his sister, and his flatmate and i started to feel ill, so i went outside to sit on the deck. A few minutes later i started throwing up blood. His sister and his flatmate ran to get him out of the shower and they all crowded around me, but i refused to go back to the hospital again. Two hours later i threw up again, with a lot more blood, and this time his sister didn't hesitate to call an ambulance.

7 hours later i was discharged from hospital and my boyfriend drove me back to his house where he could look after me if anything at all happened. Whilst I was at hospital they got the results of the CT scan which cleared me of having a brain tumor but now leave epilepsy as the only other option...

Through all of this I've managed to quit smoking!

I'm just taking each day as it comes. It's not easy, I'm in a lot of pain, i feel very sick, and i desperately want to smoke, but I'm finding that i can do it. I am stronger than I ever thought i could be.

=]
2 Comments
Mood: Accomplished
: Lips Of An Angel - Hinder

aleaffalls Fallin' Nov 24th, 2007 3:12:07 am - Subscribe
I'm falling and I'm falling fast. For this guy that I know I shouldn't be falling for. But he's nice, and cute, and fun. I like hanging out with him. He doesn't make me laugh like an idiot because our sense of humour is different, but being around him makes me happy. It gives me this high that I can't explain. We might not find the same things hilarious, but he is funny. Which is really good.

I feel like because I know of his past, I'm not giving him the chance that he deserves. But if I let go of all of my inhibitions, I might get hurt. Bad. So I'm hesitant. But it would be unfair to him to hold back. Because what if he's changed? It has been a few years....

And the timing is just soo... right. I mean, the guy that I can, without any doubts or hesitation, say that I love told me a couple of weeks ago that he doesn't think what we've been doing is going to work. He thinks we should just be friends, because the benefits of what we've been doing doesn't outweigh all the pain and sadness that comes along with it. And now this guy shows up, and if anything does happen between us, I don't think it would ever reach the same level of comparision as with the first guy. But we have fun together. And yeah, he may be a player and if I get in too deep, I could get my heart broken. But... he's a nice release; a nice distraction from my heartache. And if I know the consequences of getting too attached, then I just won't, right? If I know he's capable of hurting me bad if I let my guard down, then I just won't. He's fun, and I don't see any potential of a SUBSTANTIAL relationship with him. But to be honest, I'm kind of looking for that right now, so I'm fine with that. After having the truth break my heart, I'm not so sure I'm ready for anything serious.

So... this is good, right? Have fun with this guy and when it ends, move on with my life. But what happens if I do, in fact, get too close? It seems unlikely now, but anything's possible right? What happens if I let my guard down and he shatters whatever hope of love I have left? What if I get scarred for life? I think I think too much. I'm not even 100% sure that he's interested. He sure acts like it. Actually, he acts like he's looking for some fun also, so, if we both want the same thing... there's nothing to worry about, right? But there's always that chance that he's just really friendly and touchy-feely. And that's how he is with all girls.

Think think think....
I need to stop.

I will try my best to not let it get to me. And to just go with the flow.

But it's so hard.
0 Comments
Mood: smitten

aleaffalls Can't think of a sufficient subject Nov 15th, 2007 7:52:00 am - Subscribe
There's this guy that I've heard things about, bad things, prior to meeting him. I heard from a close friend of mine, through personal experience, that he is a player. I heard that he is charming but dishonest; a lethal combination. Because of her experience, every time I heard his name, I regarded it with disdain and disgust. This was several years ago. So for the last 3 or so years, I've lived life thinking that this certain person is not a good person, that he's no good to anybody that he gets involved with, that you'll just end up getting hurt if you let your guard down around him.

I actually met him about a month ago. And even though I know his past, I can't seem to disregard his seemingly genuine sincerity and possibly interest in me. A big part of me tells me that I'm crazy and that he could never be attracted to me, but then the non hesitant side says that there is a chance and reasons it out with the fact that he's the first guy in a long time to sit extremely close to me and give me unnecessary hugs and gentle touches on the knees.

True, there is a high possibility that he is just overly friendly, but what if it isn't openness? What if he is in fact interested? Then what? I don't know enough about him to decide on what I truly want to happen. What happens if that isn't how he acts towards all girls? What would I do? Given what I've heard and seen (I had to clean up the mess he made of my dear friend) I'm not sure if I want to get involved with anybody like that. Sure I am attracted to him, but is that worth getting hurt for?

I tried really REALLY hard not to think about it; to let nature take its course and see what happens from there, but it's so hard! I am a thinker and I don't like suprises, so I like to plan out all the possible scenarios so that I won't be suprised if and when one of them happens. Then I just get stuck on one of them.

I really need to loosen up and not think so much.
0 Comments
Mood: conflicted

aleaffalls New Beginning. Nov 4th, 2007 5:19:18 am - Subscribe
Everyone always says that people change the most when they hit the early 20's. But what happens if who you become when you get to that point isn't who you want to be? I'm not quite there yet, but I'm getting really close, and I've noticed that the person that I've transformed into over the last 2 or 3 years is repulsive, to say the least. When I was younger, I was so much more independent. It's scary how much can change in so little time. Back in high school, I didn't need anybody to hold my hands in important decision making. Granted, it was never easy to decide on something. However, once my mind was made up, it was made up. No doubts, no regrets. I had less self confidence then, but I didn't need constance reassurance and company like I do now. I was perfectly fine spending my afternoons at home and my weekends working. I never asked my parents for more than what they gave me. I was strong, emotionally. I had a wall, a very sturdy wall, that kept any desire along those lines in and that kept any survival help from anyone out. But it got broken down. Shattered, and floods of emotions flowed freely to and fro. And yeah, it was good in that I was able to engage myself completely into anything and everything that stirred up emotions, but is that really worth this sense of emptiness? This void that can't seem to be filled? I constantly doubt myself, my decisions, my desires. Everything about me. I don't know what to do on my own anymore. I have to get guidance from my peers, I have to hear words of encouragement before I start on anything. I just don't feel like I'm in charge of me anymore. Not even that, I feel like.... I wouldn't even be capable of directing my own life.


But it stops now. This will be the end of this sad, pathetic, and uncertain me. And the first step is to let go. To let go of this passive hope on an event that will never happen. ...even as I typed the words, in the back of my mind, a voice says "You don't know that... it could happen, you never know what the future has in store for you." This is going to be a long process that hopefully I won't derail from. Lets hope this works. Toast to a new beginning.
0 Comments
Mood: uncertain

broknangel Men...! Sep 29th, 2007 8:38:06 pm - Subscribe
When James and i got together it was just accepted that we would take things slowly. Especially since, for me, this was the first really serious, grown up relationship i had been in. And don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I'm happier than I have ever been in my life. I can truly say that i have the best boyfriend in the world. It's only been just over three months, but i know deep down that this is something that could last for a long time, and I love that. I feel safe and secure. I'm not afraid of where this relationship could lead, although like i said we are taking it slowly, so I am hoping that it isnt planning on leading anywhere too serious in the next few months!

Oh but of course, there must be a catch, with all this happiness. Well i don't want to hurt him, or make him feel that i don't want to move on. Last night i was at his house, and he had his arms around me, and I had to leave, and he said to me, "I don't want you to leave, you should live here." Now I'm pretty sure he didn't mean it seriously, and although i didn't want to leave, my mouth shot off before i had time to think. I giggled, gave him a big hug and said, "yeah, that really wouldn't work..." I mean in reality, his town is an hour away from mine, and i have work, and my doctor, and it would be hard from my point of view, and beside that point, i thought he said it non-seriously. But it took him a minute to reply. He said, "Nah, you're right it wouldn't." And laughed.

Now maybe I'm reading too much into this, maybe i should chill out. We both know we aren't ready to move in with each other and he was joking... right...? I guess i just really don't want to screw things up with him because he is the most amazing guy I have ever met...
3 Comments
Mood: confused

broknangel Life in the fast lane Sep 27th, 2007 6:20:18 am - Subscribe
Six or seven months ago i moved out of home. Best decision i ever made. It was just me and a chick, and it was the happiest, funnest, most relaxed time of my life. Then Nathan moved in. That was okay... you got used to him after awhile. I mean i spose it took awhile, but he is alright. Then carlton, nicole, and matt moved in. Suddenly the house was overcrowded, Lorilei changed, stopped caring. My boyfriend was my one escape. the one thing that kept me happy. And Kris... its always good to have someone to go to coffee with, who understands Lorilei, and flat life when you're the only one who works or cares about sleeping.

Last night i went to bed early, and this avo Kris came over and said that after i went to bed, Lorilei, my so called friend, was bitching about me, telling all sorts of lies, and gloating that she was in a band with my boyfriend when im not. She knows i was offered a place in the band. I turned it down, im quite happy not being in the band.

So now i need a new job AND a new place to live... and i feel so young and kind of scared. I really wish i knew what to do... where to go.

I know that if i go back now i will blow up. explode, possibly physically hurt her... or even worse... myself...

What should i do sad.gif
0 Comments
Mood: Pissed off

aleaffalls Friends Sep 21st, 2007 4:29:09 am - Subscribe
I need more friends.

I never seem to have very much to say anymore. School is good, not as stressfull as I thought it'd be but still tiresome; life's decent. Can't really complain about it, but nothing of great excitment has happened that's worthwhile to mention. Although, I will be flying to New York in about a month. It'll only be for the weekend, however, it'll give me a new sense of life just because I won't be around the same people nor the same academically sufficating atmosphere.

It does seem though, that I am less social than last year. I haven't seen much of my friends that I saw almost every day last year. And when I do have company over, they seem to have a better time spending it with my roommate than with me. It seems like they're better friends with each other than I to neither of them. Ironically though, they only know her because she's my roommate.

C'est la vie.
I still need more friends.
0 Comments
Mood: Apathetic

broknangel Overlooking Life Sep 17th, 2007 6:58:52 am - Subscribe
Its been a long time.

So the other day my mother was talking to my boyfriend about what a good writer i used to be, so i decided to look up some of my old writings. Instead of finding stories, i found blogs, blogs that damn near made me cry. Never before have i realized how hurt, and upset, and terrified of life that i was just a few months ago. I look now at how much my life has changed. Now i live in my own place, and have a nice car. Now I'm in a secure relationship. But i have to wonder, even though all this has changed, am i happy? I know now that not one part of me wants to die. That im no longer afraid to live, but knowing that i havent dealt with any of these feelings, any of the underlying causes of these feelings, what if things change. Will those feelings come back? Or am is the new found happiness here to stay?

I guess i havent changed that much, i still wonder what could have been. or what might be. I still wonder what will happen to me, and what i'm here for.

1 Comments
Mood: Contemplative
: Operation Ground And Pound - Dragonforce

aleaffalls Mmmm. Jul 3rd, 2007 3:49:01 am - Subscribe
It's been ages upon ages since I've last came to this site. What with school and everything, I haven't really had time.

No, that's not true. I've had plenty of time to update, but I just didn't feel like posting up the same things over and over again, cause, can you believe it? It's been over a year and a half since I started this blog and absolutely nothing has changed. Cept for school. But yeah... who wants to hear about the same old things right? I had a point when I started this post. But I have completely lost my train of thought.
0 Comments
Mood: unbalanced