Results from my tests and paper? 90 on chem (yay!) Don't know how I did on my paper... (booo) I got a 88 on both my government paper AND zoology. And I don't know what I got on my spanish test, but I think I did pretty well. It's frustrating on the Govt' and Zoo test because they were both 50 questions, and if I'd gotten one more question right on both of the test, I would've had a 90 instead. Yeah, it's only two points, but it's the difference between an A and a B! If I would've just studied a little bit more. I should've changed one of my answer choices, cause the one I wanted to change it to was the right one. I could've done better.
"Would've, could've, should've." <-- That's been my mantra for this past year. Regrets - never a pretty noun. Such a draining verb. Having regrets isn't really liiving in the past though right? It's just... not being able to move on? But isn't that kinda like living in the past?
Goodness gracious, I don't know what I'm talking about right now. I only got two hours of sleep last night and the only reason I'm still able to function right now is because of caffiene from 7-11 capucinos. In a course of approximately 10 hours, I consumed about 36 ounces of capucinos. I was never a coffee person. I didn't mind it, and the aroma it gives off is nice, but I never drank much of it. Crazy that it's my main source of energy right now. Redbull doens't work for me, it actually made me sleepy....
Completely going off the train tracks here, but: I don't know how I should feel about myself as a person anymore.
I... I... lost my virginity. To a guy I love, but am not in a relationship with. Yeah, it's that guy that I've been having the friends with benefits thing with. It dawned on me (a while back) that the kind of love that I have for him isn't the romantic "I want to be with him, marry him, and spend the rest of my life with him" kind of love. I can't see that for us. And I know it's a far jump, because I'm only 18, but if you ask most girls that are in a relationship if they can see themselves with their boyfriend for the rest of their lives, they'll probably say yes. Now, that doesn't mean that they are ready to make that commitment or want to make that commitment, it just means that when it comes down to it, they have faith in their love. Me? I really don't see that with him at all. But that doesn't mean my claim of love for him is false... it's just different. I love him as you would love someone who has made a huge positive impact on your life. I love him as someone who has taught me so many things and as someone who has broaden my views and insights. I love him as is. I don't know how else to say it for it to make sense... I'm reading what I'm writing and even I don't understand the words. But I do know what I'm feeling. I just can't seem to get the words to describe it. I just love him. There's nothing more to it, and there's nothing less to it. It's just there.
Right, back to my original point. Although I'm not Christian, I was raised pretty conservatively. When I was younger, I always imagined that I would be married before I had sex for the first time. As I got older though, and realized that premarital sex is getting more and more common, it was harder for me to keep that goal. Eventually, I decided that whatever happens will happen, and if that means that I would lose my virginity before marraige, then so be it. But I always thought that I'd be in a serious relationship with someone who I could see a marital future with. Never would I have guessed that I would lose it in a situation as... complicated? as this one.
But... I don't know, I don't regret my decision. (Does that make me a bad person? Does not regretting it mean that I don't understand how important and wrong my actions were?) I did, however, realize that losing one's virginity isn't as big of a deal as everyone makes it. Well, at least, for me, it wasn't. You see, in my case, movies, friends, and family depicted it as a "life changing experience." After the act, I was half expecting myself to be overcome with this feeling of change. But... I got nothing of the sort. My outlook on life (and the situation) stayed the same; there was no notable change in my character nor in my mentality. It's kind of like... turning 13. That transition from being a kid to being a pre-teen. There's all these expectations of how great and different it'll be, that onces the clock stricks midnight, you'll be transformed into this older, wiser person known as a pre-teenager. You are no longer a kid but something of more importance and responsibility. All that hype is going through your head as you're sitting there waiting for the second hand to tick away the last second of the day. And when all the hands of the clock line up perfectly with the prime meridian of the clock, you feel... the same. There's no change; you're not in anyway different than you were 3 seconds ago. That's how I felt. I wasn't disappointed or anything, it was just really unexpected. Having your virginity isn't a state of mind nor is it something tangible... the truth of the matter is, no one really thinks about it until it's staring at them in the face.
Maybe that's why I don't feel bad about my decision. The idea that my parents bestowed upon me about the sacredness of one's virginity is that losing it could bring about the biggest change in one's life, and since (in my case) they were wrong, 'm inclined to believe that they're wrong about the fact that what I did was immoral. I don't know if that made sense. Kinda like... because they were wrong about how big of a consequence emotionally losing my virginity would be to me, they're wrong about how it is... I don't want to say "sin" because technically, it is... but something along those lines.
So for now, I'm still going on with life as normal, I'm still the same girl I was when I had my virginity. The question is: do I have the right to be so carefree and act as if what I did wasn't immoral? I don't know, on the one hand, I say "If I don't feel bad about it, then I don't feel bad about it, there's nothing much more to it." And on the other hand, I have a note saying "Yeah, but you SHOULD feel bad, because it was wrong. And because you don't feel bad, you're a horrible person twice because you first committed a sin, and now you're not trying to redemn yourself." Both notes weigh equally, and sometimes, they're as light as post-it notes to where I don't even feel them anymore. When that happens and I do realize it, I feel even worse for forgetting such an important, conflicting issue.
|
