so there's this girl in my hall...her name's tricia and she's crazy. the weird thing is i love hanging out with her. i know, it surprised me too...but there's just something about her. i think i wrote bout her before but i make sure to stop by her room like every night or she stops by mine. she calls me her little sis...cause she's never had one..even though i'm not that much younger than her. anyways she keeps telling me not to leave this weekend cause she'll miss me too much. i wish she could come home with me..that'd be so fun. you know the coolest part, she's majoring in children's ministry. i think i might switch from teacher ed to that..cause it's children's ministry/preschool/daycare...yah, all that..and from the sounds of it, it just sounds so much more fun than the teacher ed program. and i don't even know if i wanna be a teacher in a school or not...but while i'm here at college, i want to have fun. i'd like to go to classes i enjoy...and do things that i like. and i don't know if i wanna be here for 5 whole years..that's how long the teacher ed program is.

anyways, this week has been another tough one for some reason..ok, so i know the reason, i'm about to start my period..and i hate that...like really, is that all it is...part of me thinks that there's more to it than that..but wed. night adrian left and i sat in my room and i cried...on and off...for like 2 hrs. i was miserable..i thought over and over about just choking myself or scratching...the pain was so great. and than i had a huge headache. but i guess these things happen huh? well, i know there's something i should have done about it then stay in the room by myself and just cry. i tried IMing jeannette but i don't think she was in her room...and that's as far as i got for reaching out for help...and then thursday was pretty hard too, i don't know why..cause i'm going home today..this w/e...so things shoud be good right? but for some reason when i get stuck in my horrible thinking patterns and states of depression...it doesn't matter what's going around me. so thursday night adrian and i went for one of our rare and short 5 min. runs..it was freezing cold outside...and i was in a tshirt and capris...we were so cold that our legs could barely move...and my arms were all red. oh yah, and my heart was hurting so bad, my heart and my throat and my chest...i forgot the cold air does that to me when i'm running.

so chris is taking adrian and i home this weekend cause there's a race back home that he's going to run and adrian's going to walk it. and i'm coming along just cause i was actually invited...so the last time i went home i couldn't babysit for jennifer because devon and michelle set my bday party up for that saturday..so now this saturday she needs a babysitter again cause her and her husband are going to some game. so i said i would babysit for her the next time if she needed me....well michelle called me like last week or something, she was going to get the girls in her small group together for scrapbooking and needed me to watch the kids. well i told her i wasn't sure...and then jennifer did ask me again if i could babysit so i said yes. so i'm babysitting amanda and jacob tomorrow...well my mom sends me an email the next day asking if i am babysitting for jennifer on sat...i told her yes..then devon was on aim and she IMed me and said she heard i was babysitting for jennifer on sat. i said yes..and she said "we needed you on saturday for scrapbooking" and i'm thinking, can i help it? i'm gone now and i'm just coming back for the w/e...i can't babysit for everybody. well, adrian told me that michelle tried calling earlier so i called her back after devon and i were done talking and she said the same thing devon was saying. "i heard you were babysitting for jennifer on saturday" and so then, i'm thinking how does everybody know this already? i had just decided the other day. and so i ask her, and she said she ran into jennifer the other day at church and they were talking about me coming home this weekend and jennifer mentioned that i was babysitting..so michelle had said to her that she had tried getting me to babysit for her. so jennifer felt bad and said that i could babysit for her instead..and then michelle said no, i can find someone else..but really, i'm the babysitter...i agreed to babysit for jennifer. i can't help it that i can't babysit for michelle's small group too..but i just know that jennifer probably still feels bad about asking me to babysit and i feel bad that i just had to make a decision like that..and that michelle and her group are without a babysitter...ahhh the craziness...i just need to remind myself that this is how much i'm missed...yeah...

anyways, classes are going pretty good...i'm getting my hw done..for the most part..i'm still not sleeping good though. when i get in bed and sleep..i sleep well, but when sometimes i just can't get in bed..so this whole week i've been going to sleep after 1..mostly after 1:30...but last night i was just awake i guess..i was exhausted..but my mind was so preoccupied…that i knew i couldn't try to go to bed..anyways i got in bed around 2:30 and had to get up at 7 for my marriage and family class...which i slept through cause our teacher is soooo boring.

aww..tricia just came in and gave adrian and i hugs saying how much she'll miss us this w/e...see, that's why i love her, she's so nice to us....me and adrian...

so after marriage and family, i had my alive group..which reminds me, last friday i did meet with the leaders, jeannette and cameron..we went up to the prayer room on the third floor, it was really small..had two chairs in there, they fit a third, but it we were all really close..cause the room was so small...but i did talk..and it was good. it helped that they did ask questions. they wanted to know about the small group, counseling, my depression...things i did, my relationship with God. michelle asked me later on if i was honest with them...yes, i was. there would have been no point in meeting with them if i'm just going to lie some more. i will talk to ppl if they set aside time for me and ask me...and they did, they showed concern, they showed me that they did care. and they wanted to help. so today our whole group go together and talked about some of the concerns of the group and why we wanted to be in a small group to begin with. i shared that it's hard for me to get close to ppl cause i hadn't been in a small group in over a year..and i told them that closeness scares me..cause it does..so there's me..opening up..a little...others shared how it didn't seem like our group prayed enough for one another and that we still really didn't know ppl that well...i think for me, if i just hang out with them some more, like when i hang out with the girls in my hall, that will just make it easier to talk about "deeper" stuff. and then when i was leaving cameron's like *rain_drop, can i have a hug before you leave* now sometimes hugs are just really awkward for me..i gave her a hug..but really when someone asks for a hug, it just makes it weird..but remember what i just said earlier, tricia just came in here and gave us both hugs...but sometimes it just depends who it is..like with tricia, she'll hug me all the time, it's just normal..and i'm used to it..but cameron asks me for a hug..see what i'm saying..i don't know, i'm trying. i gave her a hug.

so we're not leaving til like 5:30 cause both adrian and chris have 4:00 classes....and chris has already skipped that class twice before and that's all ur allowed here. so i should finish some stuff up on here and then pack my stuff..i'm bringing my laptop home and i'm hoping i can get some peeps camera's and put pix on here cause pix are so much fun. until then...