hmm life is hard, everyday...

so again, what do i write about, how i had fun today going over v's or how at church i couldn't help but feeling the need to cry at every song that was sung....at every thing that was said....at every person who came up to me. i'd like to just not write about it, but the fact is, i won't be able to stop thinking about it, until i get it out there. now during the greeting and stuff, both A and B came up to me. they both asked if i was ok, told me they loved me and asked if they could give me a hug. so i hugged them. what's the big deal about that? they feel the need to ask before they give me a hug because i'm so unapproachable to some ppl like them, i'm supposed to be the closest to those girls and i know they think they gotta ask to hug me cause i give off that impression or whatever when i'm around them. but here's the thing that just got me totally sad, the fact that fri. night i hugged so many of those girls, mostly without thinking. i ran up and hugged kristen when she came in, hugged amanda when i saw her, hugged amy...and when i was leaving, i hugged em all. i know i even said love ya to them, but to A and B i didn't even respond. fri night it was like i was light hearted and free with my friends there but i'm so closed up around these girls. why is it so hard for me to be vulnerable or whatever with certain ppl and especially the people who probably know the most about me? is that it? is it because i know they know the real me or what? then how come it's also easy to talk to my virtual friends? is it because i've never seen them before? it just makes me feel bad that i seem to either not be able to or not want their friendship and i'm scared that i feel it might be the last of those sometimes. it's just so hard for me to like everybody even if it's just a little. ok so i had to get that out...

now bout today, i just had fun, being away from my house and my family, but here's the thing, i come home and my mom and i start yelling about stuff again...is there any way possible that i can just move out now and survive? no. but sometimes i think it would be easier. but then it'd also be escaping my problems, but it's jut too much to cope with sometimes. i mean even when i'm at home, what do i do? i stay on here most of the time, or lock myself in my room with musik or a book...and now i better get off cause i just remembered i have to finish filling out my act packet so i can send it in tomorrow and my mom won't yell at me again...so until then...

~~me