i remember ciy...two summers ago..we are listening to that song..of course i'm not singing..just standing there with my arms folded...not really caring whether i'm there or not..just a chance to get away from home for a week...and maybe, possibly..get back into this god thing again. val is singing right beside me..this part comes up and she sings in my ear...here is our god who comes to bring you back to him...i can't take it anymore, it's too much..the tears well up in my eyes...but i dare not let them fall. i will not break. this wall i put up..against everyone will not break down...my stubbornness had a griping effect on me..my hard heart had grown so cold...yet the tears...in my eyes..i was breaking...

now every time i hear that song, i think back to that moment...the words..the song...val...god wants to bring me back to him? why??? that's all i could think then..what if i don't wanna..what if i wanna stay stuck where i am..but i didn't...two years ago this happened and i'd like to say i came a far way since then..val sent me an email a few months ago saying how she's seen me change...when ppl point things like this out to me, i can look back and say, oh yah...i can see that..i guess your right...but then i play this song..and i think...i am sooo far from where i need to be...so far away from god...anyways..here's a little of what val wrote me...

************

my kiddos are growing up so fast...beau is on his way to reading, we all sound silly sounding everything out phonetically trying to help him with letter sounds. anyway, this all makes me a little sentimental....and that just makes me praise God for a lot of things....your life for one! [rain_drop], can you believe how this year has already changed and matured you? i am still so proud of you for going to school. you have done it! and whether you realize it or not-with that very leap of faith, God has grown you in so many ways. Go God and go [rain_drop]! anyway, i'm gonna try to sleep....i just wanted to tell you that i've noticed! i've noticed how your life is moving forward, and all the new friends your making, all the new things you're learning, how you're not afraid, how you have toughened up, how your attitude is more positive, how with a little faith God has grown you. don't stop here [rain_drop]! God has WAY more in store for ya! when you come upon a time in the future when you're scared to move on....know that God has done amazing things in your life.


************

i'd like to think if i changed so much...like ppl seem to think i have..then i wouldn't still be writing things like this..i wouldn't still have this deep ache in my heart..this pain..i'd like to think that i'd be happier..that things would be better..yet my poems still come out like this...

Shallow World

shouting out in a world of pain
no one to hear…all alone
years of brokenness
try to numb the pain
scratching…choking
wanting to die
memories forever engraved
cut deep into the mind
replaying over and over
hope is lost, darkness collides
soul bleeds…blood red
covers myself, drowning in hurt
suffocating, one last breath
rescue me from this shallow world
…forever alone…


i can't seem to shake the bad habits..while some things have gotten better, others have gotten worse...i'd like to think that i've changed in that i don't wanna die now..that i wanna live..sometimes i'm still not so sure about that either...i'm soo confused....i haven't talked to val yet since i've been back..i always used to talk to her..she was th one i'd call lots of times when i was in the position where i felt like i was going to hurt myself...i haven't even told her what's happened with that recently...i haven't spent time with her kids...i saw them last week...they're getting so big...i miss that..and miss her..but she leads a busy life now and it just makes me a little sad that i don't talk to her as much anymore...i guess i got my new friends now huh? too bad they're not here with me now...this christmas break thing seems forever long..

oh yah..and merry christmas aeonity...hope everyone has a good one...at least you can hope for that!