so monday at 4:30 i left at my usual time to go to counseling...and as soon as i got on the expressway, there was traffic. so i got about 5 min. from my house and it was already 5..time for counseling. yeah, i knew i wasn't going to make it...and it seemed like it took forever before i even saw an exit..but i couldn't just get off on any exit cause i don't know how to get back on the expressway from there to get home, so i knew one was coming up soon...one that's about 10 min. from my house...the one i take to get to michelle's...except i didn't get there til 5:40..and that's right where the accident had been...so traffic was clearing up there..but i still got off and turned around to go home cause i knew from there it would probably take another 20 min. to get to counseling...so there was traffic on the way home..but not nearly as much..at least i could drive a little more without stopping every 2 sec! so i got home around 6....so i spent an hr. and a half in traffic and i didn't get anywhere. my back was all sweaty cause my air conditioner doesn't work. i had my window down but when you're barely moving...you don't really cool off. so i had my first bad experience with traffic. i hate driving! blah.

so when i got home my mom had been all worried about me and she told me right away that she was getting me a cell phone..which she really was serious then and i know it'd be good so i can tell her where i am and she can call me esp. in situations like that..but i really don't know if it's gonna happen..or if it's just one of those things that she says..thinks seriously about it for a week or so..then forgets it..guess i'll see...

so i ate dinner and then called jennifer to see what she was doing. it makes it easier and nice to call her when i say hi and she asks me right away if i wanna come over...i don't feel bad at all for calling for that reason. and so i went over there and played with amanda....hung out for the rest of the night. when her brother jacob was done getting a bath it was time for amanda's turn and she asked me if i would give her a bath, she didn't want mommy to do it, she wanted me..so i gave her a bath and helped get her ready for bed. i read her some stories and her mom sets this timer thing by the bed and usually lays with her for 10 min. but amanda wanted me to lay with her that night, so i did..but the girl would not calm down..she wouldn't stop getting up and thinking of excuses on why she can't go to bed yet. so when the time was up and i left her room she stayed in there for awhile and then came out...this happened over and over a few times but in between jennifer and i talked about stuff. it was real nice cause usually i play with amanda and then leave...but it was nice to talk to her. she talked about the summer and how she might ask me to babysit some...i'd love that. and then it was 9 and everwood came on and she asked me to stay with her and watch it so i did even though i stopped watching that show somewhere in the second season and i think it's in its forth season..i don't know, i just know that channel doesn't come in on my tv anymore and even if i didn't know what was going on...it was still nice being over there spending time with her...i got home a little after 10...and then i had to do hw. too bad fun times like that don't last forever.

tuesday i went to aerobics..amy wasn't teaching that night, they think she wants out of it, but this other lady taught the class and she did good. i wasn't sore at all from it..so that was nice. but when i got home, my mom had went on a walk with the neighbor without me..so i got my sister to go on a bike ride for with me. i haven't had the energy lately, but i guess going to aerobics just gave me all this energy to do all this..so i biked for the first time this year, boy getting up those hills on my high gear was tough..i have to get back into flying up those hills...ah well, i have to work on that...and when we got home my sister went right out to the trampoline and started jumping so i went with her..all that exercise really wore me out. and then i had hw. which brings me to that night....pause.

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and still i cry...

last night was horrible and looking back, well i know why. a couple things i did wrong.

1. i was up way too late to begin with.

2. i didn't read my bible or pray or anything before turning my lights out.

3. when starting to dwell on the past...i let myself continue down that spiral til i almost hit bottom.

so as i now can see, i pretty much set myself up for this...or just made it easier for satan to attack me with my negative thoughts.

i was on the computer til 12:30 in the morning cause after i blogged i was catching up on some other things on here. when i got in bed, i figured i was too tired to try even to read the bible. i've been reading that biblezine i got almost every night, just a ch. out of there. and i try to focus, really i do...but so far, it's just me reading it. just trying to get in a habit of some sort. so, i knew i was too tired really to think much and i thought i'd just fall right asleep, i was wrong. i had a horrible night. my first thoughts were of the girls, morgan and brit..adrian too...i was wondering what sorta stuff they all do together..if they do anything as a d-group like when i was in there..with val..and from there, my thoughts just brought me down. the tears came. and i made myself miserable. my head hurt, my nose was all stuffed up, i was having a hard time just trying to calm down and breath..but it's hard when the feelings of loneliness just seem to come out of nowhere and just attack you. so after 45 min. of this crying junk i decided i had to stop this and get to bed. so i get up to go to the bathroom and i splash cold water on my face and blow my nose. i also got a drink of water and just stood there trying to collect myself before heading to my bedroom once again. then i tell myself to think of my great days i have with the adults. so what if there not those girls my age. i told myself over and over that i was just going to give them up right now. it just didn't seem like things would work out with them at least in this point in my life. but as hard as i try, i cannot be "fine" with that, i don't know why. i love spending time with michelle and her kids, jennifer and her kids..and talking to all the other adults i talk to on sunday mornings...wednesday nights..but i say i'm just going to forget them..move on...well easier said than done...and i really thought i was ok with that til last night. but it turns out it's just one of those things that i push my emotions aside on and act fine about. and maybe to some point i am ok with that, but just last night my negative thinking just skewed my thinking...and i was tired...really tired...i think all played a contributing factor in my lovely breakdown last night. well i woke up and my eyes were burning hot from lack of sleep and i went to school...and from there on, i was ok.
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tonight was alot of fun at church, amanda saw me and kept talking and talking to me..it was sweet. the rest of the kids were so wild..but still it was fun. it's sad there's not many wed. nights left...2 or 3 i'm not quite sure.

the other jen at church, the one who quit being the early childhood director, actually talked to me and my mom today and she was telling us how she misses us and being down there but she was told that she couldn't volunteer in the preschool hall..which i have no idea why...but i guess cause she quit and everything..i don't know really...but it just seemed like lately she had been ignoring me or something...she was just acting different to me it seemed...so i felt better that she came up and talked to me tonight. and i'm thinking i may give her a call sometime soon...i don't know.

well...i feel better as of last night..and i need to get off to do hw but before i stop, i wanted to say i just noticed an email from morgan, it was a response from an email i sent awhile back, she was telling me how it made her smile and i gotta admit, it made me smile...and feel good..things aren't that bad...that's what i have to keep telling myself. and i'm doing good. imprint that on my brain! haha...well, she's not as bad as i might make her seem on here..it's well, just frustrating watching these girls get together and do stuff without me. michelle also responded to one of my forwarded emails. no one ever responds to these things and here i get..two in one day! wow. oh yeah, and i'm also babysitting for michelle this friday, yes, babysitting..not going over there to hang out, she's going to the good friday service at this other church, our church doesn't have one..so i'm gonna watch her boys..well i should get started on that hw now. hope you enjoyed this nice long entry..my fingers are tired!