ahh you're hearing from me one last time...forever...not! j/k...but it will seem like that. so tomorrow's the senior retreat, i'm already nervous about that, cause well...i am. it's a trip...with a few ppl...and i will be away from everything that makes me feel safe or help me deal...hehe like the puter and my bike...or something. sooo....i can't go to sleep...i'll rest on the way instead...

so i babysat the whole day today and both boys were there this time jeremy and logan...now jeremy's older, going into 6th i think...logan's going into 4th...so they like to fight alot. so this time i had to watch em more than when logan's just there. basically keep em separated all day and make them work on their work. i feel sorry for them sometimes with the work they have to do...jeremy had a bunch of math pages to do and it was from a 7th grade math workbook and logan had a bunch of math to do too. but jeremy did enjoy reading time..hehe...he has that stupid new harry potter book and he read it for 2 or 3 hrs. i think....anyways, i actually finished my book that i started not that long ago.."blood sisters" and it was very good...i think i'm getting back into the reading just a little bit, or maybe it was the fact that i had no internet to get on...hmm..and i watched alot of tv..ok i actually watched gilmore girls for the first or second time...i think...and i have to admit it's a pretty good show...for only seeing it a couple times. i guess i never gave it a chance before, probably cause that channel doesn't come in well on our tv.

and that took up most of my day. i came home, hoping i could talk to perfect some...or sometime today, but we keep seeming to miss each other. i can only hope my comments and emails and PMs can help her through this difficult time in her life...if only..hmm...

oh and i did do a devo tonight..and it was about temptation...you know adam and eve and all...and i thought about the things that tempt me...self harm and stuff. so i was thinking, i've been thinking about it alot but i don't think i've done it for awhile. so i looked back on my blog and i'm thinking july 19 was the last..cause i also emailed val about that..and i haven't emailed her anymore...nor do i think i wrote about. so that's good...right? even though i really really was really bad..and wanted too 2 times this week and had just another hard night...well evening yesterday...is that enough reallys? oh..it just seems easier if i would have done it though cause really...i don't think i'd think about doing it as much if i did it. my mom said to me earlier that we had to talk about monday night still...and i simply replied in a cheerful tone, no we don't. ha that even surprised me. hmm..but she said we would tonight...and i knew we wouldn't. and guess what we didn't. how did i know that? cause i knew i'd be too busy and she'd be too busy to sit and talk. i had to pack for tonight, call someone for a ride tomorrow, renew my library books online that i'm failing to read...and ahhh get on here...soooo whatever.

you know something else i realized is this will be my 67th blog on here and so far...i haven't posted any private blogs..hmm i might wanna try that sometime. but then what's the difference? i just never think about making em private, i mean it's on the internet...just something i realized...

and here we return to the topic of the senior retreat. i'm hoping since it'll just be us seniors that ppl will actually talk to me, ha...just maybe..cause i do like to have some fun...some...but then again i'm mad at alot of ppl too..for doing nothing wrong. *sigh* i wish things were easier. and since it's one in the morning i should at least try and get some sleep...the quicker i fall asleep..the less worrying..right? i was just really hoping i could talk to perfect tonight, can someone else pleaseee talk to her for me, she needs a friend!

ok, i think i'll get off now...and listen to some musik..and get all my crying out..so hopefully i can make it through the weekend...i shall be back sunday...it seems like forever...