at any given moment...my anger will explode. i don't know what i'm capable of at this moment...but being stuck in the house all day...is driving me crazy.

though i did get to see miley on oprah...and that was amazing.

i just don't understand how things can be so completely different. school...home life. i know things were hard at school last year, but just getting used to being more on my own and then returning home, it's hard. it's gonna be hard. i wouldn't expect it any other day.

when things are fine, it drives me crazy. so in my attempt to deal, sometimes i am the cause of such chaos in the house...usually by starting an argument with my dad or sister. i don't have any reasonable explanation for it other than, just being in this house and existing does not work for me. i'm so used to the arguing, fighting, screaming...etc...that if there is none, i take care of that.

i am still a sick, twisted, person sometimes. and i wish i had more self-control over this. however, i do hold some self-control, seeing as i'm still here in the world, existing and all...and i still haven't hurt myself since may. go me. i hope writing this doesn't change it.

and if you think that's crazy. what's crazier, is the fact that things have been so good for me at college now...and i hadn't been able to cry in forever, until friday, the day before i go home, i start crying cause i'm scared.

and then sunday after church i come home, lock myself in my room, and the tears spill out again. only harder this time. and i'm wondering if i'm making myself miserable. if i really am dramatic, cause nothing had happened yet...and i was just dreading it so much it was upseting me. and i already wanted to go back.

but monday and tuesday night i went over michelle's and those nights were amazing. i played with her boys and held her baby...and there is nothing ever that could be greater than those moments with those kids...and the memories i'll take back with me from those days.

but then today comes. and i'm stuck at home. cause i've got nothing to do, and everybody else is to busy for me. i've never been popular and i know i never will be...but you think at least for a week i could find stuff to do to keep busy and out of the house. and then tomorrow's thanksgiving...i hope to just make it through with the best attitude i can possibly muster.