more so on here than ever, i want this place to be a place where i can capture moments in time. for so long this was a place to record memories, a journal of some sorts...but now, i want so badly to describe those times in my life when i was hurting so deeply that i could not stand the pain, the moments i thought i was going to die, the painful memories. why i want to preserve these with words that shall forever haunt me i have no clue. i just have this crazy desire to do it. so i have...and so i must. whether these moments span from a few minutes to an hour...they are memories nonetheless that need to be spoken about. that need a voice. maybe they just need to be expressed and freed from my soul so that, i...may continue to live...and be happy.

thanksgiving night. after a stressful day with family, family and more family...i return to my room, the prison for my soul, yet, doubling as an escape. the only place in that house where i can close and lock the door...and hope to be left all alone. completely and solely, by myself. except for when my sister's sleeping there. but she spent the night over the cousin's. so all alone i was. it's been so long, the memory is a bit fuzzy now...but something was going on with my brother. there was loud yelling and screaming. doors were being slammed...and i was trying so hard to block out the noise. so hard to just make it through the night without hurting myself. looking down at my arms, the flashbacks returned. my dull and short nails would not do in a time like this, i would have to resort to a nail file or perhaps keys like i have in the past. the plan was forming in my head before i could seem to stop it. the devil had his hold on my once again...and....ah...i gasped. i came to the realization of what was about to happen, and i for one, was not going to go through with it, no matter how bad i seemed to want to. the anger seeming to build up in my trembling hands i knew i had to do something. this anger needed to get out, and not through hurting myself. i turned up my music. i tried to block out the condemning voices and noises of the past. and before i knew it, i was down on the ground. keeping my hands so busy and releasing the anger in a more healthy way. push ups. and when that wasn't enough, crunches were my next exercise. the way i could clench my fists tightly as i went up and down was a release i had yet to experience. and before i knew it, i was tired...my physical body was exhausted and my emotions were spent. i knew i had one this time. my hands were tired, my anger soon passed...but i might not be so lucky next time. the release of tears soon washed away the bad memories of that awful thanksgiving day. and i hope never to experience that again. yet i know those times shall come again...and hopefully i will be prepared...and not defeated….i made it through that one night….and i will continue to make it through many more…

ahh...i feel so much better now after getting that moment in time down. hopefully i will continue with many more...until then...