now about yesterday, it was ok, not real bad as you could see from the previous blog but i was just starting to get really bored at night. it was too dark to go outside to read more and i was tired of reading so much anyways. nobody was online for the longest time...but it was all ok til my brother came down around 11:30...

ya know what i really don't feel like doing this now, i'm just still so angry, i'll finish it later...
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ok, so now it's really late and my mom recently told me i have to get off by 10 on school nights but it's past that time...my dad was on the phone earlier and i told my mom i won't have time on the computer to type what i need to type...i guess she thought i meant hw since she said i could stay on til 11 tonight. so that's good....

so i went to church this morning and they seem to just put me where they need me with the preschoolers now. i really like the 4 year olds and was really looking forward to playing with them today after a horrible night yesterday. but then i got put in with the 2 year olds in the nursery part of the church. it means they're the youngest two year olds. i still knew 1 or 2 of em but i really like the older preschoolers and i wish i could just stay in one room instead of being moved around all the time. they were a handful too and some wouldn't even talk to me. and then this week i had to go to the worship for second service since i'm now out of dgroup. and it was hard, really hard cause i didn't wanna be seen by anyone i knew because i didn't wanna tell them why i was in there. so i saw ppl i knew but i'm hoping they didn't see me. i don't want to do that every week, to feel like i'm hiding from everyone, to sit by myself and just think about...well whatever i think about when i'm in the service. i can never fully concentrate. i'm always thinking about what to say to someone, what to write on my blog, what happened yesterday, that was probably what i was thinking about. but what happened that morning is what happens every single sunday night when i go to service. i feel overwhelmed, really depressed, the need to cry at every song, every word said, seeing ppl around me...i go crazy. tonight at chuch it almost happened. i almost let the tears spill over my cheeks but i still held back. i hate the feeling of needing to cry and i hate the fact that it comes so many times on sunday nights. now it's happening in the mornings too.

haha my mom just found out i wasn't typing anything for school. i don't care. this is more important anyway. i still didn't tell her what i was doing, just typing...

so right after i got home i went on the longest bike ride ever. i rode and rode and rode. i rode for an hour. well i came back and took a 5 min. break so i could get a drink of water, but after that i jumped back on my bike...i thought it'd help but it didn't just like this really doesn't help but it needs to come out cause i need to tell someone.

well i guess i better talk about yesterday before i got to go. i was down on the internet and my brother came down. it was around 11:30 and he kept telling me i'd been on long enough and it was his turn. he's not even allowed on anymore so i don't know why he kept telling me that. i was just ignoring him for the longest time. he took some plastic screwdriver he uses for his cares and kept drilling it in my ear. he probably did that for about 10 min without me saying anything. i figured he'd stop after awhile. he didn't. he kept going, he also got it tangled in my hair and then when he hit me on the head with it, i was done. so i just tried to grab it from him so i could continue what i was doing. so then he hit me. and hit me again. and he wouldn't stop. so then i was fighting him back cause well i was defending myself. and i seriously believe that. i know when me and my dad fight, i know it's partly my fault. but i would never just start hitting my brother back like that cause i know he hurts back. so when he was choking me and holding me down i kept scratching at him cause that's the only thing i can do, but that wasn't working. i was stuck and i was being chocked so i finally just bit his arm hard. and then again. and i finally got free but by then he's really mad and he'll just swing and swing at me when he's like that. he kept reaching for the power button on the computer cause he thought he'd turn it off on me since i was on and he wasn't. so i kept pushing his hand away and he kept punching. oh and did i mention i finally got the screwdriver or whatever it was. so i used that when he kept trying to punch me cause holding up my arms to protect myself doesn't help it just hurts so i held up the screwdriver. well after awhile my dad came down to stop the fighting, so he starts screaming at the top of his lungs and starts fighting my brother. this is just getting nowhere cause my brother just gets more and more angry. i would too if dad was trying to fight me. he finally forces my brother upstairs and then my dad and mom are screaming back and forth cause my mom doesn't think my dad's right in the way he handled the situation. that's why i didn't call him for help. that's why i just decided to try to defend myself against my brother. sometimes he really scares me but i felt i could handle him this time. it's not like either of us were screaming either but i guess my dad heard me tripping over boxes and stuff falling and that's why he ran down here. by then it was midnight so i turned off the computer after i exited all my programs i had running. if my brother had just waited, i was getting off...it just takes time. not that he's allowed on anyways. plus it was late. so i went in my room and locked the door. i'm shaking really bad now and the tears come, i can't do anything but lay in bed and then my mom keeps knocking at the door cause she's trying to figure out what went on cause my brother says i hit him first. that's what makes me really sick the fact that he would do all that, annoy me, contiously bug me, and hit me on the head and then say i hit him first. he's always lying like that. i don't answer the door cause i just want her to go away, i want my arms to stop stinging, i want to stop shaking, and i really just wanna stop living. i'm so sick of the same stuff happening. and then after a few min, my mom unlocks the door and starts yelling at me for fighting with my brother until i can finally tell her what happened. then when she finally leaves, i just don't feel as safe, i was gonna journal and read my devtional but didn't feel safe doing either cause i didn't know when the next time she would unlock my door and come in. it took me awhile before i trusted starting to cry again...but once i heard my mom and dad yelling again, the musik went on and the tears came out. i couldn't lay down for over half an hr, i just sat there because i was so worked up i couldn't breathe laying down and i was still shaking. i know i cried for almost an hr straight and i didn't feel any better in the morning when i had to get up around 7:30. and then for some reason the KJ-52 song Where Were You just kept playing over and over again in my head...well certain parts and i wasn't even listening to that. and it's about kj getting beat by his drunk dad and i don't relate to that. but maybe i was thinking of it cause i relate to the pain. it seems like everybody has pain and it hurts. mine really hurts right now and this is what kept going through my mind."as time passed my heart ran cold my emotions froze". cold heart, no emotions. who could say it better than KJ?

i really don't know what else to write, my fingers aren't leading me anymore...i'm sick to my stomach, i'm sick of my brother, i'm sick of my life... but on the other hand i did go out driving sat. afternoon and my mom let me drive the car instead of the toaster van. it was much more comfortable...but that just seems so small now compared to what has happened since...

i really need to do my hw, or maybe not. i really don't care much about school anymore, it doesn't matter, there's only a couple more weeks left. ha i was going to do some extra credit assignment for chemistry to get 15 points on my test. i checked online to see the grade i got. failed it. got a 55% on it. i could really use 15 points, but then who has time for homework on the weekends? esp. when you're family is stressing you out...
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