haha..believe it or not that's my new myspace display name. yup. i go through weird moods all the time. this is my *i really don't give a care what ppl know or think mood* spill the truth!! ok, i don't even know where to start. well today's the last day of winter break, go to school tomorrow..still didn't work on that college essay..but i'm too mad to start now. and it's too late. more excuses...

i did go to the christian bookstore today, finally got a girl at school a christmas present. she AIMed me telling me she finally got one so i decided i should get something for her too. and then i got myself a cd! yah i know, but i had a gift certificate. i got the new cd by flame called rewind. tis good.

i was up late again staying up til 6 in the morning...my mom came in at 2:30 calling me a bum and yelling at me to get up. i woke up with a huge headache..ahh..but i was blogging on myspace last night. now i'm trying to find another song to put in my profile since bobby bishop deleted his song i had on mine. but it's so hard cause my computer's slow so i can't look at what songs they have on their myspace and the add thingy doesn't show up...so i'm waiting and waiting. i changed the song when i was over my cousin's, that's how it worked the first time.

at church yesterday it was weird having all the parents in there with them. i really didn't have much to do. i played with em some at the beginning but they mostly wanted to talk or play with their parents...and i can see why, cause they're so excited to have their parents in their class with them. so when i was over playing with some of the kids i heard the parents talking about..guess who? me! haha...how much their kids love me and how hard it'll be for them when i do go away to college. how they'll want me to babysit for them in the summer one last time..geeze...the only reason i wouldn't wanna leave is cause of those kids. i started feeling bad but at the same time good. if i was the other teacher i would feel a little jealous or something that they are talking about me so much...and i realize this is what i've wanted for the longest time. for ppl to like me. those kids love me...and the parents do to. i now find it easy to make small talk with them..like in there that day...and i just seem like the *most perfect teacher/babysitter* to them i guess..and well, i guess you can see why i started feeling bad too. that and the fact that i am gonna miss them when i go away. cause around them is the only time i seem to be ok..to feel happy...to be comfortable. it'll be hard thing to let go of.

on the way out of chruch i saw val, she told me she got a bike for christmas..she was all excited. i thought it was kinda funny. after i got home we went over my cousin's house again..all except my brother. i got on their high speed internet for almost 4 hours. it's amazing. i found so many new christian rappers on myspace and listened to their songs and added em to my friends list..ahh it was great.

then we got home around 10 and my brother wasn't there. we thought he was hiding somehwere in the house cause he's weird like that..but after an hr and a half my mom was getting worried. the doors were all locked when we came home so she assumed he locked himself out and we knew he didn't have a key cause it got stolen at school. so she called the neighbor kid, he didn't know anything and she drove around the neighborhood, to walmart, movie theater and didn't see him. around 1 in the morning the neighbor came over and said he had a bunch of phone number's that might help. one is this kid my brother hangs out with. our neighbor said he saw robert at the movie theater around 10 but not my brother. so my mom called robert's cell phone and guess what? he's with him...she told him to tell my brother to come home right now. so he got home at almost 1:30...geeze my mom was so angry cause she had been this close to calling the police. so he got yelled at for awhile..and then some more in the morning. my mom never goes to bed that late so she was real cranky when she woke up...

my aunt came over today to drop off my sister cause my sister had spent the night over her house. and then my mom was talking to her about her bad night and day today...and i found out that earlier today she went over to one of her friend's house for awhile because her friend was having a bad day and said today was the day she was going to kill herself. so gosh, even adults struggle with this stuff. my mom said she doesn't think her meds are working for her but she went over right away to be with her. i just wish i had friends like that. and then i feel selfish sitting there thinking that when she's going through a hard time as is my mom...ahh..so then i just went downstairs and got on here...

oh and i'm mad at brit for some reason....why do i always get mad at ppl? i dunno. so yeah, i'm mad for alot of reasons i guess so i've just put an away message on aim so ppl i won't have to talk to anyone..not that they really talk to me without the away message..and i hate to say this...but..i think going back to school will help a little. i won't have so much time to sit and think and be lonely...i'll have papers to write, studying to do, and homework to focus on...and well, i guess stress works better for me then loneliness..cause being lonely and sad is no fun. but then knowing all the stuff i still have to do like the college essay and stuff i wanted to do like read my book! things like that are just going to be put off because homework will be piling up. not to mention sleep...how am i going to go to sleep tonight. ahh my mom just yelled at me to get off..guess i'm done for the night~