i was supposed to babysit for michelle on friday but she called and said they started laying flooring in her new house today and she had to do that instead. so i called jennifer to see what they were doing..hehe..and she invited me over. so i played with amanda the rest of the evening. they also all went out to get some ice cream and i went along. it was really good. i had lots of fun. and then at night, we watched "chitty chitty bang bang" and jennifer thought amanda would easily fall asleep to it. nope. amanda stayed up for the whole thing and by that time she was way past tired into hyper mood. it was 10 at night when i left and amanda was still awake.

saturday i was up bright and early for work...as of now there are only two more weeks of the semester til it's over with and then they are done for the school year until summer school starts which is for 6 weeks, 5 days a week, 6 hrs. a day...i've already decided i'm not going to tutor through summer school..that's way too much "school" for me and i just can't wait until i'm done. i'm hoping i can babysit this summer instead. haha..lazy me.

i took a nap from like 2 in the afternoon to 5..my mom woke me up, said i'd been sleeping too long..which i don't know why she just doesn't let me sleep when i get the chance..it was a long week for me..and i had been staying up really late.

then later on..my mom and dad just kept fighting and fighting...but earlier they had been outside "talking" and now they were back to insulting each other and whatever other junk they do...so it's gotten worse this week and my conclusion--the result of counseling..yup. they can't avoid their problems or each other anymore...so now they are forced to be together and "try" and work it out. so now...just alot of fighting because they can never agree. anyways i heard alot more of it then i wanted to saturday night cause i wanted to watch my full house episodes and i couldn't in my room cause my sister was sleeping..my brother was playing his video games..the basement...still nothing down there so i decided to watch it in the living room..where my parents were arguing. what fun that was. well they told me they were trying to have a "conversation" and i told them if they wanted privacy they should go in their room..because i can't go in my room...nor my basement...ahh..well they just sat there and continued in their argument. my mom actually stayed up til 1 in the morning...just being frustrated and stuff cause she's supposed to stay up late with my dad and talk because my dad stays up all night (so he says) on weekends when he doesn't have work. but my mom always goes to bed early. so in an attempt to get them to spend more "time" together, their counselor told my mom to stay up with him...well let's just say my mom's been a bit grumpy ALL DAY TODAY! i say she stayed up a little bit past her bedtime last night.

not that i went to bed..but remember i had a nap..ah..but i just had one of those hard nights again. second day in a week...i blame it on my parents. yes. i do...i'm 18..i don't think my parents fighting should bother me. it's something i've lived with for years...it's something that will always be...in my mind...it's how my family is..but it's bugged me before, but never as much as it bugs my sister...i don't remember ever being like that...but maybe i was..maybe i just really didn't know but deep inside me it did..and i expressed it as a "rebelling teenager" with the kicking..screaming..holes in the walls...but i can't do that anymore. i can't even hurt myself without feeling so guilty and horrible and having to tell someone and disappoint ppl in my life..yet again. but last night that just really started to bother me and at first after reading the bible, i just sat up in bed and let the tears roll down my cheeks..the pain grew..i turned my musik on..i have this free cd i got when i bought one of my others and i put it in..never really listened to it before cause it's got ppl on there that ppl at church listen to, not the christian rap stuff, more of the contemporary/worship stuff, like the above subject line, chris tomlin, jeremy camp, newsboys, stacie orrico...and it also had grits and superchick on there, but most of it was different from my musik i usually listen to...yet listening to that just continued to break my heart and the tears just wouldn't stop. but at the same time, i wanted to cry...i just didn't want the feelings associated with it...the thoughts..you know, the bad ones. gosh, i wish i could just erase them from my memory forever...but they will forever be a part of me, somewhere...always...i know i will always have problems, always have pain...always have struggles..but why must i always have these thoughts? it took a lot of self-control just to keep my hands wrapped tightly around my legs and not move them as i rocked myself back and forth. i did what i did earlier in the week after a long time...i got up, went to the bathroom, rinsed my face off and got back in bed...and for some reason when i put my headphones back on, i felt peace...i guess all that crying just wears my body out..and i was able to sleep...only problem was it was past 1 in the morning and i had to get up early to be at church.

now i'm wondering why i had such a bad week..or why i think it was such a bad week..is it cause i cried myself to sleep two of those days out of the week when it seems like forever since i've really really cried like that? and how come bad days always seem to overshadow the good...i also went over and played with amanda and hung out with jennifer two of those days too..so how come that doesn't stand out as much as the nights...i've been pretty busy lately with all sorts of things so when nights like that come along when i take time and think...well i guess i can't run from myself all time...or run from the night...the dark, quite, night...when i'm all alone, no kids...no parents..no one to tell me how everything's gonna be alright.

and today was easter. i only worked in the preschool hall the first hour and i went to the combined middle/high school service second hour. that's how it'll be from now on, with no more sunday nights..but i don't know if i'll go to the youth or adult service.

ok it's getting late and i wish i could write down more of my thoughts for the night but right now i'm also trying to get my hw done...yah, late on a sunday night like always..i'm researching stuff on "Beowulf" for my research paper in english. it's the last paper i'll have to write in there(i hope)...but again..i'm tired so i'm heading to bed..hopefully i'll be able to sleep tonight..i should i'm exhausted...like always...