...but never forget there's a real love God gave for you.~KJ-52

hehe...i put this on there cause i'm thinking of using it for my senior quote. cause i have to have to have a song lyric right? cause if i didn't that totally wouldn't be the me that ppl know...so since everyone knows i like kj....i'm thinking of using something in one of his songs...i know it's nothing smart sounding or intelligent..but frankly i could care less...cause it's just a stupid quote in a stupid yearbook in a "stupid high school" to quote superchick..which i do so much!


so tomorrow there's no school! i get a break. i'm hoping i can do something with brit, i've been asking her for awhile to do something but she's always busy with work or something...and then after tonight, geeze sunday night again...i need to get out of here. i just wanna run away now..from my family cause i'm sick of em. i wanna go live by myself in the mountains somewhere peaceful...with my puter..hehe gotta have that for *silent* communication..and then my musik of course. but every now and then i think you need a little break...and well i've been stuck here. sure thao came home with me friday to watch the ring 2 which btw was awesome..awesome..and more awesome. i loved it and watched it again today. but we were still at my house. oh and on the way home from dropping her off...my mom let me drive home in the car, she doesn't care what my dad says..so blah blah..i've been feeling really down alot lately, ever since that day when i had no homework to work on...and then friday i had no homework, and sat..well you get the picture...i couldn't keep myself busy...i allowed myself to think, and when i think....like i'm thinking now...i get down and frustated..and all that. and then the tears...geeze i've cried so much...

so i've been trying to figure some things out...but i think i'm just gonna have to email someone else.....like maybe my youth minister cause i'm running out of options, oh geeze. i don't know what i'm saying. my mind is going everywhere right now, i can't even finish thoughts. i'll probably look back at this blog one day and wonder what in the world was going on. i just feel like a mess though..inside me. all the feelings returned..they weren't gone long really...the pain in my heart..the lonliness..empitness..guilt. and i wouldn't be suprised if i felt like hurting myself..cause that's what always comes next. but i gotta stop thinking that way. that's the thing with getting better though, i'm scared of myself and what i might do..of going down that road again..of being that person again.

so i think i know why i'm out of it tonight..i keep doing other things while blogging..and i can't do that. i just need to keep it here and focus on it til i'm done...but yet, there are other distractions on the net atm. like i'm getting perfect to send me the krystal meyers songs cause she has em and i don't...and she'll be at the concert so i just wanna know if i like her or not beforehand. but the songs are gonna take forever to download on my slow computer...

so let's talk about church now...morning was great, both carlee and jenna were there again along with some other girls and boys this time...there were 7 kids..geeze, i guess nobody comes in the summer..they're all coming now...so this is great! more and more just keep coming..hehe..which btw wed. nights start this wed. last year i worked with deborah in the 3's and she's in there again but she said i'm not working with her this year. she said jen put me in a different class. so i don't know where i'll be... so i'll have to find out. oh well..so anyways, this morning was good. and then second service joel was finally there. so i didn't have to sit with ppl i didn't know. after church cyrsta came over and asked if i'd take her over the neighbor's pool to watch her swim..since she's not allowed over there by herself. so i said sure. her and her brother came and my sister..and they went swimming, but man, it was freezing...i swam for a little bit. summer's almost over..that's so sad. i don't want it getting colder, i like fall, i just don't like how it's closer to winter..hehe...

oh did i meantion i'm back to norm with books...i started that book friday morning at school..and we didn't do anything the first 3 classes cause tons of kids were out on a field trip for writing team..so i read during those classes and i finished the book sat. morning! hehe...it was nice.

so sunday night..it was really empty..kinda weird. i sat by myself..like usual. gosh, back to wanting to cry over everything again. the songs...the message...then they played some stuff about the hurricane..there's a reason i don't ever watch the news. not because i don't care about the things happening in the world...it's just that it makes me feel bad for thinking my life is so horrible and stuff....and then to see that. to see a reason for real pain and depression... oh yeah, so the guy preaching on the video was telling a little story about his son and how he got in trouble and was hiding...and relating it to God..you can't hide..and he kept saying "there's nothing you can do to make him love you any less" i don't know..and with the things that have been happening....like i don't feel like he loves me. i sit and try to pray but i just feel so lonely, abandoned..and empty. it's like he's not there when all i ever here is that he is there. and i don't know what to do about it. i guess part of it is the fact that i did finally finished a devo and i feel like i've gotten nowhere..well at first i felt good and proud of myself that i did it. but all i've done is read something, journaled about it, and tried praying to what..or rather who? it's almost as if i just wanna give it all up again cause it seems so meaningless and hopeless. but then when i play those songs...from ppl who have been in pain..known pain..found God in the mist of pain..and now believe..."oh the Lord has never left me, he's always there to catch me when I fall, i believe in jesus, oh he's lord of lords and king of kings"...if they can do it i can right...it just takes time..only i know it takes time. but how long does it got to take. i'm sick of it. or maybe i'm just too tired...i don't know. i've been getting a little more sleep than usual...but now i'm breaking my cycle cause i don't have school tomorrow..or rather today..haha cause it's almost 1 in the morning...

and now my birthday is 2 weeks away..and then i'll be an adult..hehe 18...that's kinda scary though cause i sure don't feel like it...i don't even feel 17 now...but whatever...life goes on and ppl get older...the day will come and the day will go...but i'll still be the same...unless i choose to change right? so that's all for now...i feel a little better after confessing my confusion to my blog..hehe i love my blog so very much! ~later