so how are things really? hard...confusing...and ahh way too many words to describe. it's just crazy i guess.

i should've wrote about this sooner. i joined a small group here at college. there's 6 of us girls with one junior leader and one senior leader...8 total. we have been meeting on friday mornings. but the leaders set us up with accountability partners already and mine happens to be a girl who lives in the room right nex to me, andrea. now andrea's great...cept i really don't know her well and i met with her a couple weeks ago and she starts asking me questions about how things are going and stuff. and i'm not the kind of person to just openly talk about my life. not at all. so i told her all the fun i had with the kids the weekend i went home and then she asks me how things were at home..with the family. i shrugged my shoulders. and then she's like oh that's ok, you don't have to talk about that now if you don't want to. thank you, i'm thinking. geeze, i just try to talk about the good things and somehow she knew just what to pick up on to put me in sorta a funk. idk. i hated being home at my house..with my family...hearing the fights...arguments...that is one thing that i am soo glad to have gotten away from...and then she brings it up. how does she even know this stuff? anyways that kinda bugged me..and we talked about some more stuff. i was so nervous and i didn't wanna talk about it in the first place. so when we were done i went back into my room and climbed up on my bed and cried. it was awful. i just didn't like being forced..in a sense...to talk to someone i barely even knew.

so then, when the senior of the small group, cameron emailed all of us telling us some info for the next small group meeting, i had the courage to email her back telling her i was a little uncomfortable being sorta thrown together with andrea and being accountability partners and such..and that it's kinda hard for me to just open up and things..well it was an email...so i could do that. she emailed me back saying she wanted for me to get together with the other leader so we could talk and stuff...which i'm a little more ok with this, i'm not exactly sure why...but maybe cause the junior leader is one of my ra's that i've gotten to know before..and cameron really reminds me of my counselor. just her personality and the way she talks...after last friday's meeting she walked with me back to my dorm when she was telling me she wanted to get together with the other leader and talk sometime...and we talked briefly. she said that it seemed like i was a little more open to talking through email then in person...see i am the same in a lot of ways. i know this. i know it's easier for me to write what i'm thinking rather than saying it. face-to-face is always gonna be hard for me...writing is what i'm used to. i don't have to see the person, i don't have to talk to them, i don't have to see their reaction...but talking to cameron that day wasn't all that hard...i feel like in some ways she already knows me a little..and in others it's kinda scary sorta that she reminds me so much of my counselor. so we're supposed to meet next fri. which is way to far off for me cause my stomach's been hurting the past few days in anticipation of when we're meeting..and now i have to go through this for another whole week??? i just wanna get it over with now.

so this week has basically been the hardest week here and i really don't know why. i'd say maybe it had something to do with going home for my bday..but i was fine after that. i think it's because i did alot of my hw over the weekend..that i've had too much free time this week to think. and thinking, in my case, can be very dangerous. it's just that i've been putting this off i guess, being busy during the week...sleeping during the weekends...or talking on the phone...i haven't really thought all that much about how much i really miss people...until now. tuesday i was in my bed trying to go to sleep early cause i haven't been getting enough sleep lately..but i'll just lay wide awake at night in bed...thinking...and then i'll be exhausted in the morning. well tuesday was hard and i don't even remember why but i just got thinking about amanda and michelle and jennifer...and i got angry and upset...and i started crying and then my fists clenched up..and i thought...oh no, not again. this is the second time since i've been here that the desire to hurt myself has grown so strong that i hurt my hands just getting my fists clenched…and i hurt my head from thinking too hard and stuff..yah, i really don't know, i just know my heart was in serious pain and i still don't know what to do in those hard times...and wednesday i was really missing my counselor so i shut myself in the bathroom and cried....and thursday i was back to missing amanda..so i returned to the dark bathroom..and i think i may have gone to the bathroom another time to cry..i don't know, i just know this has been an emotionally hard week for me...

and then to make things better...last night i was in the shower and the phone rang...well when i was done and went to listen to the message..this is what i heard...

"mom, she's not home, so i'm just going to leave her a message, ok?

no, it's her answering machine, i'm gonna leave a message.

hi *rain_drop* this is amanda and i was just wondering if you wanted to come over to our house sometime. bye."

amanda is sooo cute. it's hard for me to believe that she's only 4, cause the way she talks on the phone, it's just amazing...and the fact that she knew it was answering machine that picked up..and that i wasn't around to answer it..and how to leave a message. i know at her age i was definetly not talking on the phone...even in middle school, i hated it when ppl would call me to ask about hw...i'd try to make it as short as possible. so while amanda's message made me really happy, it also made me even sadder cause i know she just really wants to see me...and i know she doesn't understand how far away i am and why i'm not coming over anymore.

jennifer sent me an email saying that they tried calling last night but that i wasn't home and that they'd try again tonight. well, i've been home all night and she hasn't called. i know i could call them but i'm running out of min. on my phone card and she gets free min. on her cell phone after 9. so i don't see why i always have to be the one calling. but she did try last night. that did surprise me.

i emailed michelle awhile back about something and she wrote in the email to call her...again she has a cell phone with free long distance min. at some time...and i know i could call her, but i just haven't wanted to. but if she called i'd talk to her..i've just kinda been distancing myself from people lately. when i get like this and have a pretty emotional week like this, i'm in a mood like all the time and don't feel like talking to ppl and i don't feel like being around anyone..and i just really don't wanna face my emotions and tell ppl that i am struggling. why is that so hard for me?

oh yah, and i am going home in a couple weeks. chris is going home and is going to take one of his friends home with him and me and adrian. so it's going to be a crazy ride...mostly cause him and his friend are really crazy...and it's at least a 4 and a half hr. drive...but i'll be so glad to see ppl again, my friends..kids...i just really don't wanna go to my house, i don't wanna see my family. my mom has been emailing me like crazy this week too, i've wrote her a line or two here and there but i really don't wanna tell her wassup..and what i'm doing. i don't want to talk to her everyday. she's been limiting her phone calls to once a week, sundays. and last sunday i was already tired of talking to her from the previous..that i kinda just said uh huh and yah alot in hopes that she'd get off soon. i also made the mistake of setting her up with an instant message screen name but have recently blocked her from seeing when i've been on. so she doesn't know this..but i kinda feel like i'm being a little mean to her, but i just wanna get on with this college life of mine. i'm fine without her. it's amanda i miss, her hugs, her sweet kind words...it's michelle i miss too, talking late into the night over at her old house...just hanging around her and her kids. she was soo busy moving into that new house that i didn't see her much in the summer and now she got a job to pay for all the bills and stuff...so she's still super busy and it's hard on her and her family. so i know things are stressful for her at this time which is probably why she told me to call her. i know i need to be a friend back to her and listen to some of what she's going through and the things she needs to say but i just wanna talk to someone about this hard week i've been having...and that's kinda hard to do over the phone...especially with someone like her, surprisingly it was easier in person with her.

but there is this girl named tricia in the hall that i gotten to know within the past week that is just hilarious. so last saturday i decided to go to target with this group of girls...don't ask me why. but then they decided they were going to go out to eat first. so i ate in the dorm cause i still don't like eating out. and now it's a big deal around this hall and pretty much everyone knows now..especially after last week. so we go to applebee's and i get nothing. i don't even feel like water, but tricia says go ahead and bring some..cause the waiter's standing there smiling cause i want NOTHING TO EAT...geeze. i hate how ppl make me feel when i don't eat out, i don't like it..i don't wanna spend the money...i'm too nervous anyways to eat there...and oh yah, i do eat food..just so you know. i don't eat OUT. i hate it, it's just not something i've done alot of and i'm not used to it, nor do i wanna be. so tricia pretty much embarrased me the whole night and somehow the waiter ending up bringing me a smiley face on a plate. the eyes were whipped cream dots and the smile was a lemon slice...so anyways the rest of the night i was kinda mad at tricia cause i told the girls that i didn't want to eat out and they said it was fine that i didn't have to..and then she makes a huge deal of out it...but a few days of being around tricia here at the dorms and i just love her. she is so funny and the things she does makes me laugh so hard. our floor was dirty the other day so she brings the vaccum into our room and turns it on but doesn't plug it in. so adrian and i don't know it's on. she goes away(to plug it into the hall..which we didn't know) and all of the sudden, we're sitting in the room and the vacuum turns on. it was so funny. and then later on she comes and vacuums our room for us...anyways just so you know, tricia is funny..and anytime i think of her i just laugh...i have so much fun just laughing with her..or at her...

ahh michelle just emailed me..so she does still get on. maybe i'll end up talking to these ppl on the weekend or something...hopefully i'll get in the mood soon..but for now, i need to finish up and get off of here..and get so much need sleep!