actually....i think i've been thinking too much lately...about writing among other things...but let's focus on writing. and how i haven't been doing enough of it. it's hard to see the effects at first, but now...i am simply going crazy. to say the least.

i'm so caught up in capturing a "moment" or a "memory" that i have lost what writing did for me at first. released my thoughts. released my emotions.

so here is me...doing just that. now, what?

it's so hard to start, but once i start, i know it'll be hard to stop. things are just crazy right now and i am driving myself crazy. i think that it's because lately i've been saying no to hanging out with people and giving excuses. i'm glad i only have one more week here, otherwise i'm sure my current living would really be damaging to the progress i've already started. i have just realized today what is really going on and i'm going to try hard and stop it this week. i am babysitting some, that will help. but i think i'm going to try calling morgan or adrian back and ask them if they wanna get together. more so with morgan since i will see adrian again soon. but i really felt bad the other night after saying no to a movie with them...it was just weird for me first of all to receive that kind of phone call. i guess it's still all kind of new to me that morgan would want to hang out with me again. i has been so long...but we've been through so much.

baby seth went to the hospital last night, i found out today during church..and i didn't call michelle today to see how he was doing. i feel really bad about that, like a horrible friend. instead i thought, i really don't feel like talking to anybody right now...even though i wanted to know if he was ok...so instead i took a four hr nap on the couch...and still didn't call her. now it's much too late. i really hope i remember tomorrow...after i pull my lazy self out of ed after noon or something.

i went to the movies with michelle and her boys friday and seth has smiled at me before..but this was the first time he continually smiled at me really big and was laughing...he also was sticking his tongue out at me. it was soo cute...and i haven't been able to get that image of of my mind, me looking down on him...his mouth wide open...in a beautiful sort of grin...

another thing i can't stop thinking about is working with youth. it seems crazy because our small group leaders at church would try to teach us things for when we would one da lead our own group..and i always said i would never do that. out loud i made that clear. kids we're always something i'd be involved with, never the teenagers. so not only am i in conflict with myself, whether i really believe i can do this, whether or not i think god wants me to do this..but i also have to swallow my pride and admit to ppl that yes, i've been thinking about this. and then, i have to hear what they say. and i kinda wish i hadn't entertained the idea of me doing this in the first place, because the i could just get it out of my head and it'd leave me alone..but that is not the case. and it's driving me crazy...and i know what i need to do, i just won't...

i guess what's bugging me the most is all this time i have to think and be by myself...it's just so unusual...and it's been happening for too long now...and i haven't turned to writing yet, the thing that has kept me for the most part, sane....for many years now it seems. maybe one day i can learn to turn to god in the same way. one might think that my writing is sort of my way of talking to "him" to make up for a way i can't quite express yet...but i'm still learning and growing...and struggling...

as short as this seems to me right now...it's good for now...because weariness have overwhelmed me now...and hopefully i can write some more in here soon...hopefully it won't be so long...this is probably a good way to wrap up the end of the year 2007 as well...writing about, well writing...