wow, i got back at 10 tonight from babysitting. yup, at church last night riley's mom asked me if i wanted to babysit her two boys tonight..riley and blake..so i did. she met me somewhere so i could follow her to her house...since i have no clue where ppl live..hehe..here's what i think is funny...it's another two boys i'm babysitting...yah, i'm stuck with boys...my mom told me how at preschool hayden always comes up to her and says *you're my rain_drop's mom* haha that sounds funny but you know what i mean! so yeah..and apparently he's talking to all his teachers in preschool about how pretty i am and how nice i am and how much he likes me....so yeah, a little boy has a huge crush on me....that's what i have ppl telling me now..they used to just tell me that hayden really likes me alot...well now it must be alot more..i don't know..it's all funny to me. so anyways it went well tonight, i colored and we watched pooh's heffalump movie..i got to pick it out....yes, i love that movie. and when the mom came home, her mom was also there and she had to go home so i followed the grandma out of there and i made it home. so that's my night.

so tuesday we were off school and i had asked adrian the day before that if she wasn't doing anything...maybe we could hang out..she said she was busy..but then she ended up calling me tuesday and saying her plans were canceled and we decided to go out to eat at taco bell. i love tacos so i actually ate..haha...and then we hung out awhile, went to the library so i could check out some more movies...i thought maybe we'd find one to watch, but she really had to get back home...it was nice to hang out with her though. i never really hung out with just her before...so i had a good day off school.

now last night...at church i was having a really great time. not only that but my life's been pretty ok so far..and then last night. the kids were just finishing up their crafts and the childhood director lady jen comes to check and see what's going on..then she and the other teacher get to talking..so i'm not too interested. i keep doing what i'm doing, i start cleaning up and here's what's great about my class, they always want to help me...so three kids were helping wipe off the table...it was so cute...and then jen's standing there amazed that they're doing that...so they're talking for awhile now until jen calls me over and says she guesses she better tell me since i'm an adult too...so yeah...it didn't sound good...and it wasn't. she said she's leaving and becoming a stay at home mom..just like that. so i was completly shocked and she also said oh don't cry...not that i was going to or anything...at least there. ha. she said it's not going to be for a couple of weeks but they're already looking for replacements..and all i'm thinking is how could you..how could you leave? she is so great. i love her so much..and now she's leaving that job...area of her life. i understand, she has two girls, one's two and another's not even one...and she feels God is telling her to...but everyone will be sad to see her go. she has such great and fun ideas..and the motions to the songs in praise time are so fun...and all the kids love her too. i love her so much cause she's always telling me how great i am for helping out..or with something else, always encouraging me....always smiling...it's like you can't help but smile back when you see her..except for last night...sometimes i really hate change..right now i dread it.

i was doing pretty good..as i said before...i got my new devo book and i did lesson 1 and 2..and last night was supposed to be 3. i took a shower and i couldn't stop thinking bout jen and i cried a little...thinking it's sad and all..but i'm ok...little did i know..ha...i should know me by now..hello i am me. so i started on lesson 3...started reading it..the bible verses..i could not concentrate. i stared at the pages..my eyes were not focusing..and then it was blurry..my chest started hurting..i couldn't breath. i had to set the book down..it suddenly became too heavy to hold..my eyes were too weak to read...i tried to focus...i kept pushing my thoughts away. it's not that big of a deal, i tried telling myself..i wouldn't listen to myself though. the tears poured down my cheeks. there was no sense in stopping em now...it's like i have a broken heart or something...and over jen leaving. it's not like i won't see her anymore...she has two kids...but still...i can't stop the pain in my heart..i can't stop thinking about her...i could not stop myself from crying last night...i couldn't stop the pain..but i did stop the desire to cause more pain to myself...emotional pain is the worst thing ever though. cause once my eyes hurt from crying so much and my nose was all stopped up..and my pillow was soaked...it was almost midnight and i could not sleep. my thoughts were swirling in my head. memories..good times...how much she means to me..and doesn't even know..how she changed my life..how ppl just seem to like to leave in my life..ha...you can't stop the thoughts. i tossed and turned for a long time before i was able to take long deep breaths and calm down a bit. it took forever for the pain in my chest to go away...and now it's back. i can't help it. the only thing i can think of is write her an email and tell her....but i just don't want to make a big deal of this..cause she's trying not to..and i know how much she loves her job so she's probably a little sad too.

oh yeah..since we're talking about leaving...did i mention the lady i babysat for used to be my other d-group leader freshman year until she left it cause she had another boy....yeah..so we haven't really talked much in a long time..i doubt she has no clue what's going on with me...so tonight trying to make a little conversation she asked me if i was still in the d-group..and i said no...things happened...and she said she understands....i know that's the reason she left *things happened*...she wanted to spend more time with her kids too..and ya know..since i used to know her more back then, i might have said something more but her mom was in the room too..and it wasn't something i was comfortable discussing with her listening..so anyways..

i guess i better start my lovely homework now..oh yeah, i got a C in calculus this grading period. a C! that's my third C ever in my life...in case you wanted to know...once in 4th grade science(i cried for days about that one) and freshman year science(i had the crazy teacher who is now fired for *unfair grading*) so i was ok with the last one...but this one's it's weird. yeah, i don't like it..but i tried really hard and even though i got a 77 on my last test...i did really good cause i got 3 out of the 5 questions completely right! and i only missed a little of the fifth one..so i got the fourth one completely wrong and i get a bad grade...what teacher puts 5 questions on the test anyways....that means each question was worth 20 points..and when you're doing all that algebra stuff when simplyfying..it's so easy to mess em up..plus they're really long..but i knew what i was doing...in other news at school i got an A in english..it's so weird...i looked at the paper and only two ppl in the class got A's...me being the highest and then one which was almost a B...i am so glad we're known by numbers on there...so nobody knows it was me..cause when kids learn stuff like this..they tend to hate you forever...oh and i barely got a B in physics..so that was a relief..blah blah..ok i'm really putting off that homework now...ahh..and there's so much other stuff i could write about..it feels so good..writing...it's like clearing my mind of all this..cause i so wanted someone to talk to about any of this...but there is no one. i thought about talking a little to val but she's out of town this week.. i don't know when she's getting back. oh well..my blog was happy to hear it. so maybe after i finish my hw i'll have a better night's sleep...maybe...i hope i can get over this soon.

oh yeah...i found some avatars i loved on perfect's xanga awhile back...might as well post one..awesome~and so me!