i had my alive group meeting tonight. i had a mixture of emotions with that...of course it was fine at first, talking..eating...just playing around..then we got to the serious stuff.

i'm afraid. i'm scared. i really don't want to be in this anymore. when cameron started talking about the devos we're going to be doing..when she said that we'd share next week about how things went with them...it scared me. she sounded exactly like val did in my d-group in high school. i don't wanna get kicked out again and i'm afriad the whole thing that happened with val's group will happen with this one. i do wish that i could do the devos and keep up..focus, pray..love god. i know what i need to be doing. it's just more complicated than that. there are too many years of hidden pain inside of me and too much anger than just makes it all the more harder.

so i emailed her and told her some of this, i figure she knows pretty much everything else..why not? i don't need to go down this same path again. already it feels like i'm 17 again..my life is just repeating over again...only this time...i'm in a new place, new environment....i just wish it would all stop..and there are many times when i just wish that this could all be over. i'm so sick of living this life that i'm in that i just wish things could be done with, through. things are too complicated..people, relationships, emotions, feelings...and god especially...wherever he is out there....

but despite what i say, i got out my little book that has prayers in it and i read the one on anger. i know i have so much anger in me..and many times i do take it out on other people..more so at home than here now..but i do. and i take it out on myself the most and i know i need to stop. i just don't understand what causes all this anger just to build up inside of me all the time, it just doesn't seem right for someone to be that angry that they actually cause pain to themselves. it's sick and twisted and i hate it...and i'm so sick of living with it.

i just wish i could go to sleep. really sleep...i haven't got much sleep all weekend. i've been up talking to ppl...being on the internet..just having so much on my mind that this is something i should have done sooner because now it's 2 in the morning and i'm finally able to be getting some of this out. but my emotions are so scrambled in my brain that it's hard to make sense of it all..and hard to get it all out and say it the way i want to say it, because my mind is racing a million times faster than my fingers can type. i think i might collapse...soon. i've been going on far too long. i can't believe i haven't napped all day...and that i'm still up.

and than to make everything worse is this stupid babysitting job this summer that has gotten more complicated than it should. i'm the babysitter, if someone wants to hire me for the summer, i should suggest a price, there may be some negotiating, and then we agree and i do it. why can't it be as simple as this? but no, we have to talk about it behind our backs. i have to get advice to what to say to her cause i don't wanna make her mad or disappoint her, i'm not even sure i want to do it. money shouldn't be an issue, only it is, becuase i know what some babysitters get paid and i know what devon charges..and i know that i am a good babysitter. i do know that...because that is what i am told. so how do i become the one who's too expensive when they're trying to combine 2 girls in one family and one girl from another family and get one babysitter so they can save money and not have to pay two separate babysitters for the whole summer. ahh, i'm just so sick of talking about it, thinking about it. today when i read her email, i just laid back on my bed and cried because i can't take complicated situations. it's too much for me to handle. it just is, or it isn't....except it is. and i don't want them to think that i care about the money that much because i love these girls and i want to watch them. i want to be out of the house all day every day and take them to the movies and the pool...and play polly pocket and watch lizzie maguire...but i feel i have to be a little bit professional too and not just agree with what they want and are suggesting...because as much as i want to babysit for them, i don't have to...i really don't.

and another thing, my mom finally called me for the first time since i've been back on friday to talk to me..which is fine. but ever since then she's been emailing me a ton and i know i have to email her back or she'll make me feel bad. well today she told me she talked to her dad and found out her mom is losing more weight. her mom is in a nursing home, and has alzheimer’s..been in there for awhile but i guess today my grandpa told my mom that she should probably visit my grandma one more time before she dies. i guess she's close. and my mom's saying all this stuff about how if she doesn't go, she won't be able to forgiver herself and stuff. and i don't know what to say to her, it's all like..wow, i can't believe this is happening. i mean, when my dad's dad died, i didn't know him really and i was all upset i had to miss out on some church events to go to his funeral..and now my mom's mom is going to die and how will that affect me? none in the least. it's kinda sad in a way that i won't...but i mean, i haven't seen the lady in years. the last time we were up too visit was in 2002 and my mom wouldn't let me see her cause she was in the nursing home at the time...so i can't even tell you the last time i saw her. i just know it will affect my mom..and i'm kinda scared about that. i'm not good at comforting ppl or talking to them...or anything like that...blah. i don't even know what to write back to her, but i know she'll be expecting another email from me.

and that's all for now about my complicated life and emotions..maybe if i write more often than it won't all build up in me and come out in this crazy mess of banging keys and typing furiously...ahh..well maybe i can finally sleep now..maybe...another 6 hrs...that stinks...i need so much more...