ok so now for this week...

sunday i don't wanna talk much about, it was weird going back to church and seeing all those ppl i talked to at ciy yet still sitting alone, by myself...yet i wanted to. but i was having a hard night so i ended up calling val and i got through it. since then i've been fine. well, sorta. i haven't hurt myself or cried...but yet i still feel very sad...i want to cry, horribly yet when i try i can't. i couldn't really cry sunday night either, i did a little..but not like i needed to.

so i don't know what went on. i babysat tues and thurs for an hr. each day and now she wants me to babysit tonight. only her kids will either be in bed or getting in bed by the time i get there so i can do whatever. i'll probably watch the disney channel...since i like that and well, only get to watch it during times like this.

the other day i went to the christian bookstore. got X 2005 the dvd which is a bunch of rock musik videos. the top ones or something like that. i'm learning to like a lot of new bands along with my old ones. i like the one by hawk nelson and project 86 oh and pillar...i never thought i'd like pillar but i'm leaning more towards their style nowadays...wonder why i'm liking the screaming musik more....hmm...well john reuben is also on there and toby mac. so there are some i know. but it's cool. i couldn't forget the real rap altogether though. i got Phanatik's cd The Incredible Walk....love it! phanatik is a member of cross movement.

i did another devo one day...and here's something that surprised me. last week i wrote everyday in my journal, 38 pages...and then this week so far i've only wrote once in it...and that was wed. the day i decided to do my devo. it's funny how things happen like that. just like my moods. the past 3 weeks have been horrible but this week has been...boring? i don't know...no big moments...or whatever..which is good. no crying...no pain...no feeling...and i have to agree with my mom about this that she's right. it has to do alot with the fact that i'm a girl. yeah, cause she's noticed it and mentioned it many times, but i know she's right. cause when it gets to the time when i'm about to start my period...i just get worse with the hurting, the depression, the emotional pain....loneliness. and now that i'm done with that...it's like been like this for awhile now, like i'm doing better. til the next time...or something like that. i hate it. so not only are my moods screwed up anyways, being a girl makes it worse. so give me at least a week fore i fall back into my old self...till i slip up. it's kinda nice saying it's been a whole week since i've scratched myself and almost 2 weeks since i've choked myself. yet at the same time i just wanna do it to do it. just cause i haven't and i miss it. but i've gotta have a better reason first fore i do that. i figured the fact that i haven't talked to brit since ciy...would cause me to do something at least cry....but no, i guess i'm ok, only i'm not. *sigh* i tried calling her once...this is so confusing. plus i've been on the net forever within the past two days, my mom yelled at me ealier today, that's why i'm typing this offline and then getting on real quick to add it. yeah, i was working on fixing myspace ealier. that thing is pretty cool, plus i found a bunch of ppl on there that i know...so i'm adding em as friends and dropping comments...things like that. oh and talking to perfect. yeah...

i guess i better bike ride before i go over to babysit just wanted to type a bit more since i haven't made up for how much i haven't got to type...it's been way too long. i think i'm typing faster than ever before now cause i've missed it so much. i wish i could write a poem right now, that'd be nice. i'm going to take my devo over to her house when i babysit so i can do that...that sounds like a good idea so i can remember plus i won't have the internet over there as a distraction, just the tv. at the same time i'm glad i won't have to do anything tonight even though i'd really love to play with those kids some more...they're so cute..and the little one makes me smile so much, he says my name every time he talks to me...it's so funny, ok i need to bike now...later~!