have you ever experience heartache? suffering? depression? a sudden hopelessness or just any kind of hurt? if you have--have you ever been in a situation where ppl start talking about their friends who are going through something exactly similar to what you have experienced? how do you feel about this? do you say anything about what you went through..or do you just keep your secrets quiet because you still don't want anybody there to know what you went through? or does it make you so angry you want to shout at them what you went through and how they don't understand.

ahh..i'm probably just really confusing you now, so i might as well tell the story.

so i was in class today and kristen was talking to this other girl, and me sorta about her horrible weekend. she wasn't facing me, she was facing the other girl and i heard her saying something like "i really think she just does it for attention" imediatley i assumed she was talking about one of her friends who either talks about suicide or cuts herself...and why? because those who have no experience with the emotions and thoughts leading a person to do such acts as these, cannot possibly understand the reasoning behind it. of course she's right in a way, some do it for attention, but the majority of the ppl i've talked to who have thought about suicide or done any self-mutilation, they've tried hiding it...not talking about it, and if they are telling someone--it's not for attention but a cry for help..but then again, i wasn't for sure she was talking about this..

so i asked "what's going on"

to which i'm ignored at the moment like always, she just has to get her story out, so i listen for a while longer, and i'm almost certain i am right about the situation and when she's done talking she turns to me..

she says "two of my friends called me this weekend saying they were going to commit suicide..and one of them was trying to convince me that she was cutting herself as we were talking on the phone"

what do you say to that!?! i didn't show any surprise, emotion or anything, just a blank face and said "oh". she turned and her and the girl starting talking about how they would never actually cut themselves, how they don't understand it..and all the other junk i have heard ppl talk about many times before.

but since this girl is kinda my friend, i thought about explaining it to her. i just wanted to grab her and yell "it's a cry for help, she needs you...are you just going to sit here and judge her or try to help her. just talk to her..." and on and on..so many thoughts in my head, just waiting to be vocalized..but i couldn't...i just couldn't take that risk with those girls there. if i had opened my mouth they would have questioned what i had to say and then i would have had to explain how i have been in that exact situation..and while i never cut myself, i found other forms of self-mutilation that were satisfying to me at the time. i would have had to admit my suicidal thoughts...explained how counseling has helped me, how it took years to get over all this junk in my life..and how i still struggle some today. i would have had to go into how anti-depressants are helpful, and how do i know? because i'm on them..and talking to ppl on the phone and just admitting your struggles to them is not for attention at all...it's to let someone know you struggle...to find someone to hold you accountable for your actions..to just find someone who will care enough to call you once in a while just to check on ya and see how things are going. but i couldn't say this..because i know this one girl...i hear about her problems all the time..and i don't wanna sound mean or anything, but i know just from the things she was saying, she has no clue about these things..but i also know she's a good friend and she'll do what she thinks she should do to try and help them. it just made me so angry to have to here her talk like that. and it just put me in kinda a bad mood the rest of the school day. i couldn't function quite right, the words, things she said were just ringing in my ears over and over again...

on the other side though, she brought a cd the other day to school, it had a bunch of worship songs on it that she downloaded from the net and we were both listening to it in class one day..and guess what? i actually liked it...it was pretty good. so i asked to borrow it and i burned a copy and i'm going to put it in my car...i love listening to musik in my car and while it used to be a lot of rap..and me rapping, i've kinda turned more to the slower musik in my car...and this will be a great addition to my collection. i never ever thought i'd be listening to worship musik just cause i like it...outside of church..but i guess i have changed...

ahh...i have so much more to say...but the past nights i've been having trouble sleeping..going to bed around midnight but not sleeping til 1. i'm exhausted and i think i'll get a head start on trying to go to sleep..so maybe i can actually function tomorrow at school...