ok, i'm supposed to be revising my paper but i knew i wouldn't do it..not only that, but it's horrible..i just felt like blogging instead..and writing some real writing that i like.

so i went out after church again..the second time..we went to buckhead's...i didn't eat again cause food is too expensive when i can get it at home for free..haha..so i played with adrian's phone most of the time, taking pix of ppl and random things..the one i took of the plates was the best one..no wait, the pepper was the best one..hehe and i figured out how to text message so i was sending this funny pix of me to ppl...but i hafta to say, IM is a whole lot easier than text messaging..it's so much faster..typing instead of pushing the numbers over and over til you get to the right one.

this morning hayden made sure to tell me many times about his birthday party he was having after church...he turned 5 yesterday. his mom told another worker that hayden just loves me..she's said that to me before..he's the wildest kid in the group of kids i'm with, always pulling me to play with him, he's real loud and full of energy..but it's great. kids are great....i know i've said this many times but they are.

so back to tonight, i appeared to have a pretty good time, i was talking i was laughing and perhaps i was..i don't know...but the moment i got into the car to leave...i was sad..why does this happen? at least it's not around ppl as much anymore..at least they can think i'm happier now...but yeah, i didn't want to come home. i really wanted to talk to brit and tell her i was sorry for getting mad but she had to go to the hospital cause she passed out from shutting her finger in the door at the gas station. i feel so bad. i wonder if she's home now or not.

so the usual happened this weekend....i cried...don't know bout what but i needed to...so i did what i always do...i laid on my floor in my room and let the tears fall...i don't know what's up lately, things are going ok too...yet every weekend..this...and now i'm ok..i think.

ok now i'm just confused..i'm tired..i don't wanna work on this paper or any of my other homework..and maybe i won't. maybe i'll just go to bed..but i won't be able to stop thinking of brit and how bad i feel for getting so mad at her for nothing. it's just the things she brought up and the way she kept questioning me felt like she was accusing me of something. i mean, it's like she didn't believe that i have changed cause look i'm still depressed..and maybe she's right..maybe i'm just going around in circles..maybe i'm not really getting any better.

ahh i know i'm skipping around alot but just that talk we had got me to thinking about what i want to do..and maybe i really don't want to go to jbc and be around kids the rest of my life, as much as i love em, maybe i don't really want to do it or maybe i won't be good..i don't know. maybe i won't be able to change enough to actually want to learn more from the bible and be able to stand all thoses classes...but i can't think of anything else i'd want to do. ok i think i'm done now. errrr