up and down..back and forth...good...always follows the bad...i thought today might have been better...i should have known.

my heart hurts deeply right now..i'm in so much emotional pain..how do i create this physical pain inside of me..i hate it...i'm too tired to explain now...it just does. i hate living with a family that fights all the time. after my explosion with my dad..i went to my room and didn't come out for almost 4 hours..what did i do? i blasted my angry musik..and my rap musik...the whole time i was in there..to try to calm myself down from my shaking and sobbing. i so wanted to hurt myself...but i came to realize nothing good comes from that..ha so i had to keep my hands moving..so i straightened my hair..but then i thought about what it's like for ppl who burn themselves..so i quickly unplugged that and moved to something else cause i can't pick up anothe bad habit..so i found some silly putty and i played with that..then kept bouncing it off the wall til my arm felt like it was gonna fall off...so then i colored and colored and colored...kept my hands busy..and my mind...i just can't take anymore....today was bound to happen sometime. i can't exist in this house forever without getting into fights.

so right now i just wish i had someone to talk to. a best friend would be nice...so nice...just someone to love me..and be there...but it's like all my friends moved on...the few possible ppl i could talk to. or they're away for thanksgiving...ha...what a weekend...i wish tomorrow was sunday so i could be with the little kids....the kids who love me no matter what i do...i remember one sunday i was talking to a little girl and she had told me her grandpa died. when i said i was sorry and asked if she was sad, she said yeah, i cried alot for a couple days..but i'm ok now..what a thing for a child to say. i gave her a hug....and she smiled. i wish my pain would go away..and never have to return...