so last night was a hard night for me..after a couple weeks i decided to email val and over the past few days i had been thinking i just want to give up on this devo and everything again..which is why i waited to say anything..but last night i just felt like i should try again..one more time...what i keep telling myself. so it felt good to get that out and relieve the tears that have been inside me...

so i have been going to sleep pretty easily but i guess facing my emotions kept me awake last night. i was a mess...my thoughts overwhelmed me..tears were pouring from my cheeks...i couldn't breath laying down my nose was so stuffed up so i had to sit up...and the pain...my heart..it just hurt so much. and then i started thinking about the dgroup..and i'm wondering what they are doing..i started thinking things like i'm not good enough to be in that group, here they are-a group of girls my age who are in this close-knit group..they encourage each other, they do their devos..quiet times..they pray..they rely on god...and they also have fun and go places together..as a group. i guess i was just feeling really left out last night. like they haven't gone through the difficulities in their spiritual life as i have so they are better than me...or the fact that, when my life got so hard...when god started becoming distant...i still can't help thinking when i look back on it..that they sorta abandoned me too...i mean val told me she'd stick with me...and that's been shaky..but if i'm willing she's still willing..but what about the rest of em? when i left the group for the most part they just seemed to back off..that's where the not good enough comes in. like i can watch them from a distant but no i will never heal enough to be accepted into that fun, happy, loving group. sometimes i just wish really hard that they'll slip..like hard or something..and that's so wrong of me..but i know there's times when they forget or don't do their devos every week..but which one of them is stuck in a life of depression..which one seriously wants to hurt themself..which is contemplating suicide. which one feels left out and lonely...abandoned by god. geeze. that's just the thoughts that were swirling around in my mind last night..how life is soo unfair, which we all know..but yeah they got problems...i know...it's just i don't know what they are...cause i don't talk to them. (thought i'd try out the new smilies...)

so after awhile i just got sick and tired of all the tears that i got up to blow my nose and get a drink of water..and when i layed back down i told myself i wouldn't cry anymore that night..just try to get some sleep..cause it was way past midnight..and so i did..

this morning after my will to keep doing the devo because maybe i feel there's something important there..i don't know..but first period we had a free day so i did it in there...it was quite interesting..it was talking about how some ppl skip the love relationship with god and think doing things for god is good enough..which is me in a way. i volunteer so much time with the preschoolers at church, which that makes me happy, but at the same times it's like i'm thinking ok, i'm doing this..it's a good thing..but yet i don't have that relationship with god. sure i talk to him sometimes...or maybe i just talk to myself alot..am i really talking to him? i don't know. but that's all good stuff in the devo and yeah, i can relate to it..but then what? where do i go from there? how do i apply it to my life and make it really work..and then when i can't figure these things out and when this gets too frustrating for me..that's when i quit and give up...and i just want things to work out..i really do.

tuesday jen and i were supposed to get together and go to some church’s gym to work out but she was held up at work so she cancelled on me. i was looking forward to it...but then i saw her at church tonight and she said she's planning on going tomorrow so maybe we can then...i think that'd be nice.

oh yeah, val did email me back telling me we need to talk so call her..and i guess i should do that..maybe now? or go study for my physics test...or work on my transactive piece for school..ahh...see homework becomes my excuse for not doing anything. i need to stop doing that too. and i hope i can go to sleep right away tonight...last night was soo horrible...blah.