so i finally talked to my mom today. she called me on my phone in the dorm. she had called the other night but i was over in the RA's room keeping busy. i found the busier i keep myself the better off i am. i mean i could sit in the room all the time and think about how much i miss the kids..and my friends..but i needed some fun. and i have a feeling this far away stuff is harder on my roommate..so i wanted to give her some alone time cause she was on the phone..and i hate talking on the phone in front of ppl. but anyways i had a good time last night. i talked some but mostly just listened to them talking and laughing. it beat anything i could have been doing in my dorm room...although...

i've talked to devon on aim last night and the night before. the night before was when i was having a rough time and yah, i told her that, and i finally told her about some of the stuff i've been through already. she told me that she understands. i learned that she's been through some hard times with her dad too. and she told me that i'd be surprised at the number of adults who are on meds..and i told her i know. when i was first going on anti-depressants i felt kinda like it was a bad thing and nobody is on them unless they are really messed up. but over time my opinion has changed and i've realized it's an ok thing. last night we just talked about other things though. she told me her daughter taylor said that she misses me and that when she grows up she'll go to college close to home. isn't that sweet? but she's 6, i told devon she'll probably change her mind when she gets older..haha, i know i did.

so yah, i talked to my mom tonight just about how school is and stuff..and then after that the phone rang again and it was amanda...it was so cute, she just kept saying hello. she told me she missed me..aww i just wanted to give her a big hug and kiss and just be there with her. i asked her how her bday was and she said that she got lots of cool new toys. she said maybe when ur done with college you can come over my house again and play with all my new toys. kids are so precious. and then i talked to jennifer for a little bit before she had to go and try getting amanda back in bed. but at least i know not everybody forgot about me. now i just can't wait to talk to michelle on the phone. but i don't wanna call cause phone cards are confusing and stuff. besides all these ppl get free long distance on their cell phones certain times. i've been sending out emails to ppl and i've been getting a few responses. if i just keep this up maybe things won't seem so bad and i'll be able to get through it. and things were going fine today until i heard amanda's voice. not that i didn't want to talk to her, i loved it...it's just that it made me miss her that much more. i don't know. hopefully when classes start and my job at the library things will be easier. but then i'll still have stupid hw.

i emailed one of my teachers the other day from hs. my physics teacher, the one that would just get on my nerves all the time asking me if i was ok...concerned. well i had finally talked to him one day and he was so nice to me after that. he stopped bugging me all the time and would say all these encouraging things to me that made me wonder why i was so rude to him in the first place. he told me he'd love to come visit him at school sometime during his lunch hr. idk. i think i owe it to him though. he's just so kind. i guess that's why he got a teacher of the year award.

i don't know what else to write, i just feel like writing til i get tired or something...just something to keep busy. we have boring stuff like all day tomorrow..have to listen to some guy preach about something...but i guess that's what you get at a bible college.

i went to wal mart with adrian today, it felt good to get off campus for awhile and the other day we rode with chris while he drove around looking for job applications. same thing then, it was good to get off campus. i love looking out the window at all the trees and mountains while i was riding in the car. adrian and chris are going to another college this weekend. chris has to drop a computer off there for his brother and morgan goes there so adrian's gonna spend the night with morgan..which means i'll be by myself this weekend. i have to say at first i was kinda angry that they have set this up for awhile now and not told me..and then not invited me...like i don't wanna see morgan??? but then i realized it'll be good to be by myself for awhile. i might get bored..i might cry..but i think it'd be healthy for me to just get out my emotions..or be able to feel like i can really talk on the phone...so hopefully i'll still feel that way in a few days.

oh yah, and here's something else i did last night...i actually turned off my computer and read my bible. yup. it's been a long while. but it was finally good just to open it up and read something. i really don't know what to read, i just turned to something. but hopefully this is what college will help me with...i don't know why it's so hard for me. in hs i had hw, i complained about it, but in the end i always turned in something that i worked semi-hard on. but like i've never HAD to read the bible or anything before, so i just get lazy and don't do it. well now i'll have to, and i'm not sure i'm going to like that very much. hopefully i will though. just have to have a positive outlook on it..eh??/ yah. i think that's enough for now, maybe i'll write later.~