so i was on myspace the other day..reading ppl's blogs...it inspired me for some reason to blog on there, which i did...and well, thought i'd put it on here..since this is where i should have put it in the first place....
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just a little bit further


one thing everyone seems to write about is college...sometimes i wonder why i chose the college i did..i heard amazing things about it and it's far away so i can finally get away from home. it's what i've been wanting to do for the past three years i think, get away from home and everyone here. i didn't like anyone here, no real friends, nobody i'd really miss...until last year when i started volunteering with the preschoolers at church..every sunday...then it became each service on sunday...until now. overflow is no longer on sunday nights so i have no excuse for being with the kids both hours and skipping church. today they really needed me in there second service. some teachers didn't show..helpers were scarce...they were combining classrooms and i could've just stepped in there one last time..but one lady told me last week was my last time to work both services..so i headed to service. but i found someone to sit with..one of my friends i have made within the past few months. along with all the young children i became close with...i also came close to their parents as well. now everyone around me told me i needed to make friends, find someone to hang out with, do something with. i was told i needed to go out more, stop sitting around at home...bored...but every weekend, no phone call for me..no one wanted to hang out with me and partly that was my fault, distancing myself from anyone who even had the potential to be a friend. looking back, i know it was my fault but at the same time i couldn't help feeling the need for a friend. nobody can. everyone needs someone to love..someone to care for them...someone to talk to. i found my friends in the adult crowd. there's a few of them now. i go over their house, hang out with their kids, and talk to them. it's great, fun...and it's better than anything i could have ever expected. the only thing is..in the fall, when college comes, i'll be moving four hours away..away from it all. i'm not just a babysitter to these women...they are my friends too..the first ppl who i've allowed myself to be absolutely vulnerable to...ones who help me out, talk...and just ppl to hang with. even though i can still communicate with them online..it won't be the same. and then the children. give a three year old a few months without me..and they'll forget all about me. that's about the saddest thing i can think of that will happen right now. sure i'll probably miss my family, my sister, and these great friends i have now...but to come back from college and visit with them and their kids...to see how much the kids will grow in the months i am gone..it'll break my heart, i know it will...and i don't know how i'll ever survive if these kids forget who i am...if they stop yelling my name to get my attention every time they see me, or running up to get me a great big hug, or a simple smile, a kiss on the cheek...these kids are my life, the most meaningful part of me. it's because of them that i am who i am today. i know have a hopeful future ahead for me..my past is my past..and i'm through with that...college is coming. i know i'll be back to visit..and i know i'll meet new kids down there at some church...but it still won't be the same as going over to jennifer's house every week to hang out with her and amanda..or going over to michelle's on friday nights and our late night talks once blake and riley are in bed. no, it won't be the same at all...and i wonder why, with a few months til college, did i have to get so attached to these young children...and so close to these adults. why couldn't i just be miserable for a few more months...stuck my whole life in this grind and now that i'm finally free..stretching myself, growing, putting myself out there, i'm about to leave it all behind. i want to spend every moment possible with these kids and their parents before i go away...


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and i got one comment, and it was from brit.
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hey i think that you going away will be a good thing. for one thing i think you will begin to make friends around your age...like close friends. something i dont have either. i know how you feel when you say you dont have that one close friend. but you know thats why i am so excited to go to college. i am so glad that you are doing better and you seem so happy now. i love you rain_drop and i miss you. we need to get together soon.
love,
brit
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i guess i didn't stress enough how i am happy with these adult friends i have now...i dunno, i was just getting some thoughts out. i just like talking to adults better, but it was nice she took the time to read it, comment, and suggest we hang out soon. i decided before i was done trying to get her to do stuff with me, that i'd leave it to her if she wanted to...well, now she's mentioning it, who knows?

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also, a girl i know, sorta a friend, saw me in the hall today and told me she read my myspace blog the other night..and she also said she loved me. yeah right i thought. when's the last time i hung out with her? oh..i don't really mean that..it's good that she thinks she loves the person she thinks i am...oh well, i'll be gone in a couple months.

oh yeah, and i also created a new template for my myspace that i really love!!! joan of arcadia background. i love it!