so me and the roommate had quite a long talk tonight...well, actually this morning. and it was good..some stuff had been happening in the hall and she was getting frustrated being the one to help people all the time and make sure their ok...and we got to talking and when she asked me why i wasn't going to church tomorrow i told her what i had told tricia earlier. tricia asked me why i wasn't going and i said cause i'm sick of church. so she said that i better apologize to jesus now and i told her jesus and i were not on speaking terms. and she laughed...cause i'm oh so clever. well when i told adrian she's like seriously? and then wants to know when this happened and all..and i don't know, i don't know how i feel about all this stuff it's just so confusing. and so she's asking me if this is recent or if it's still from stuff that has gone on in the past, since she knows pretty much everything that i've been through...and i told her it's still something i've been struggling with, more now than before..but it's been this continuous thing for like years now...and i don't understand. i'm just sick of trying to deal with this god stuff and i'm tired of struggling with this..so i just wanna give it all up again. but i know it didn't work for me in the past so why would it work now? but what does god care...i'm still the same as i was a couple years ago..no matter how much people tell me i've changed. things will never be right...and now things are just more complicated than before cause i have people who actually talk to me now, like really talk to me, it's weird. it's something i've never had before besides my old counselor.

so with saying all this, i've decided that i'm not going to church tomorrow. i'm tired of going every week and i've been sick the past couple of days and i've been getting really annoyed with some of the ppl i usually go to church with, so i think it's best that i just not go tomorrow. life is just confusing and frustrating sometimes and everything is always such a big deal with some people. i just need time to think...like really think...with these people here, you have to watch everything you say, you can't joke around...and...ahh it just makes me hate people, seriously...but then some people you meet and they just seem really nice and you wonder if this is for real? or when you really start to get to know a person, are they not who you think they are?

relationships stink and so do friends. you either get close to someone just for them to leave you or move away...or you have this "fake" thing going around, where you're happy and they're happy and everything's always good....that beats everyone getting mad at each other all the time and fighting going on...that seems better than the frustration and hurt and anger that comes along...wouldn't it be nice if we all lived in our own little world and we all just communicated online with people and made "internet friends". i used to have those so called "internet friends". i talked to them for hours online, aim..yim...forums...through blogs, this one in fact....it was nice, you get to know alot about someone and you wish so bad that you could meet them but know you probably never will..and then there was that one girl i did meet once, it was nice..amazing....it seemed so unreal...but it happened. and i always wonder if we'd really get along in person like we do online...because you get to know alont about a person online that would take much longer usually to talk about in person, it just makes me wonder...i think the reason i was so open with people online is the fact that i never would have to meet them, i never would have to see them..and the only time i'd have to talk to them is if i signed on the internet...and that's all...but i knew friendships like that were unreal, that they wouldn't last...but it kept me going for the meantime...it kept my mind off feeling so alone..

i don't even know the point of what i was writing anymore. i lost my train of thought. i have so much on my mind..so many thoughts...so much to write. it always seems that way, the words i have all jumbled up in my head will never all come out exactly the way i want it too...it's just too late now..way too late...i have to go to bed now...sadly....