it's a new year now...and all night i had been thinking...so what!? really, what's the big deal. it's just another month, another day. or maybe it is a big deal and every day should be celebrated as much, as a new day...for new resolutions. this day will be better than the last, rather than this year will be better than last. but then i suppose i've had too much time to think last night.

jen talked about me coming over and watching a movie. however, i tried calling her, left a message and she never called back. so i ended up staying here, at home...bored. which is why i'm writing now. all this time at home has led me to non-stop thinking about crazy things like new year's and other such things.

i remembered to call michelle today but she didn't answer....but she did call back and said they had just came home from the hospital, seth is better right now, he's not completely fine...but better. out of the hospital anyways. michelle sounded drained so i wasn't gonna talk to her much but then she started asking about me, like she always does. and when i told her i was up til 5 am last night she wanted to know why...and she's a really good friend of mine, so as sick as i was of talking about the things i wrote about last night, i couldn't not tell her...so i did...i talked about how people have just been bugging me lately and talking about my future and that's caused me to keep thinking about it lately...and it's driving me crazy. that and the fact that i might want to work with youth at church, something i stated very clearly in high school that i would never do. that makes it that much harder to surrender to something for me when i make a statement to myself and to others like that. she completely understood though. she told me she always said she'd never put her boys in public school and now she's thinking she might have too and it's hard. so talking to her was a great thing. we also talked about how if it's something god wants me to do i should do it...and i told her i feel like everyone else is giving me their opinion on what i should do, but she made a good point that maybe god is using other people talking to me to influence me and impact me on the decision i've been thinking about making. why didn't i think of that? i just felt so stupid. of course i know god uses people to talk to others..and well, the fact is i also admitted i know what i've been needing to do, i just put it off and when i try it's just so hard for me...and that's to pray.

last night when i stayed up really late i watched hannah montana episodes til like 4:30 in the morning cause i was tired of thinking and these things bugging me. so i thought it's late enough, i should be able to just sleep...but i was wrong. because again, i was putting god off, the only one who could give me peace and rest right? it's not that i don't believe now, i try to...it's just really hard sometimes. especially being at home. and i don't want to face god because i don't want to face the pain, the tears, and the emotions that come along with all of it. but last night i did try. at 5 in the morning i just broke down and cried because i couldn't ignore it anymore..and i tried as hard as i could to pray. i really did...and after a few moments of just letting the tears and frustration mingle down my cheeks, i felt more at peace...and was able to sleep...

and then while i've thought alot about things again today...they haven't seemed as overwhelming and frustrating. and i'll have to thank michelle a bunch later for being a part of that. as much as i don't want to talk to people about these things...i realized how much of a help they are just to listen...and to talk to me. and with as much as she has going on with her life and seth...i was just calling to make sure seth was ok and that she was...and she turns around and helps me in the greatest way ever. she's just such a great friend to me...and i appreciate her and love her so much.

i can't live in the past anymore, i realize that..and i know i can't worry about the future...so the best i can attempt to do right now, is just live in the present, take each day, each moment...as they come and enjoy and learn from it all...from every experience thrown my way...

and that's all i really have to say for tonight...