-GOD-

i am so sorry for my thoughts again last night..although i controlled myself enough not to let my thoughts overtake me to the point of physically hurting myself, i realize that every time i allow myself to dwell on these things and imagine what it'd be like to be dead...gone...out of this place, it hurts me emotionally. it makes me long for something that i can't have...something that is completely wrong and against your will. i know that yet somehow i let my mind wander and follow down that path of empty fulfillment and temporary satisfaction...in these times i need you more than ever yet i keep as far from you as i can. i shove thoughts of you far from my mind and throw my newly bought devo books far across the room. i don't understand the struggle or the reasons for what's happening to me. i mean, the first time i could sort of see what was happening, when things got better. but sometimes i feel as if now, things are worse than ever, especially while i'm back at home. i know by indulging in these thoughts i have that i'm only disappointing you more and more. i try to gain control of my thoughts, my actions..but that slips right through my fingers. it's almost as if i can't make it anymore. and that's the lie that i'm starting to believe. it's that whole head/heart thing. in my head i'm starting to believe all the lies...that my heart knows are wrong. or at least, i think they do. i just need control over my life again, over this temptation that has reentered my life...i'm not sure it ever even left...it seeks to control my life and i need your help to fight against this. YOU-the one i keep telling i hate every time something bad happens...i need to say i'm sorry for the millionth time...and i need to believe that you will forgive me..and that i can make it though this darkness once again..and come out stronger...in the end...but only with your help...

♥ rain_drop