dear god
it's me again down here
don't wanna sound insincere
i'm lost
sometimes you're so unclear
what can I do?
i'm feeling so far from you
frustrated
irritated
disconnected from it all
the weight of the world
has pushed me to the wall
~krystal meyers~

dear god,
how i hate what you make me go through every day at home...when i'm not here i'm fine..but it seems like every second i am here....it's horrible..awful...stressful..and painful. i just wanna cry. get it out. hurt me..hurt me deep enough just to cry so i don't have to hurt myself...i don't understand anymore..why can't i just let it all go? why did this struggle seem to end and now it's just beginning all over again..it just makes me wanna hate you for this. it makes me hate myself for thinking this way..for the things i imagine myself doing...i don't understand anymore what ur plan for me is. i thought i was done with this chapter in my life..but back here, at home...everywhere i turn i am hit by another "memory" another painful memory....or every song i listen to seems to have some sort of memory attached to it..so why can't i just leave the house and go somewhere and shut the stupid musik off. what good is it doing me. what good is sitting here in my room dwelling on my pain and myself doing me? nothing. i'm just hurting now more than ever. i just wanna hurt myself more than ever. choke myself. die. something....i say that, but do i really mean it? it's frustrating and i just wish the tears would start falling because i am sick of hearing the lies that the only way i'll be able to cry is if i hurt myself..the only way to relieve the internal pain is external pain...noooooo....it's not true..or i wish it wasn't true...ieverything is so confusing now...it's hard to know what i truly believe and what i tell myself to believe. i tell myself ur real..i tell myself i believe in you..you are the answer...you are the way..yet in the midst of my pain..in the deepest darkest moments i rely on someone other than you to try to help me through. and the only reason i would be writing right now to you is because she pointed me in this direction. i need an escape..badly...but at the same time i just wanna be alone...by myself. i want my mom to leave me alone right now..i know i told her i'd watch gilmore girls with her..but right now i just wanna be alone to cry. but i can't..and i think another problem with that is that ppl in my house won't leave me alone. i can't trust them to leave me alone long enough so that i can cry. my mom unlocked my door a couple min. ago because i wouldn't answer. i hate her for doing that. i just wish i could have privacy..my sister unlocked the door earlier..does the lock mean nothing??? i'd hate more than anything if they were to walk in while i was in the midst of crying..or hurting myself..or both....which is another reason why i can't i guess...well, until later..when all is quiet..and everyone is asleep....it's hard living back at home..it's hard to focus on you with everything going around me. i was babysitting amanda and jacob today and they were going over their aunt's for dinner...jennifer asked me if i wanted to go with too..but i was supposed to babysit twin boys tonight...the lady told me to call her when i got home..so i did..i left a message..and she never called me back. and i hated that too..i think that just made things worse..cause i could've went with jennifer and been out of the house longer...but i didn't..and i didn't babysit..and i had to talk to my dad tonight. last night i didn't get home til half an hr before he had to leave for work...and that was awesome...but tonight he gets to talking to me about all these ipods and cameras and stuff in the ads..but it doesn't matter cause i'm not getting any of those. i already know that..so why do i wanna talk about something i'm not going to get...how stupid is that? i just wanted to yell at him to shut-up again..i've been doing that alot lately..but i didn't. not this time....sometimes i feel like nothing is different here at home..not even me. while college might have changed me some..i come back and fall into the same bad habits i used to...i'm even starting to hate you too again god. cause i don't talk to you...i don't see you working in my life..i don't see how your helping my family..i just feel like you've up and left me again...to deal with all this junk again..this junk that i thought i was done dealing with. i'm so angry...i hate myself for what i have to go through. i hate thinking what i do..i hate what i do..and i hate that i'm so far away from the friends i've made in college...i just wish so badly that i could feel your love again..that i could follow you...that i could just love you again...it's been so long...and it's been too long..and it seems like for some reason...no matter how hard i try...it just is not going to happen while i'm still like i am...hate hate hate.....that's how i feel about that. ok..so just writing all this stupid stuff out has made me feel better though..i don't know why i didn't think of that. just help keep me strong and fight this..that's all i really ask...for now, that is all i need...strength....
~rain_drop