It's finally Spring Break!!! Well, it started yesterday when i got out of school but yesterday wasn't too fun...My brother was really annoying and got my mom really mad so she was yelling at him...Then she was yelling at everyone for everything...That got me really angry so i did what i do when i get angry, found an escape. But when i got on the computer she made me get off. So i quickly sent the ecard i made for my friend cause her b-day was today and i wanted to send her something and then i got off. I turned on the tv, at least she let me watch tv, and i tried to concentrate but i realized when you're that angry, you can't concentrate on anything. My mind was spinning, those evil thoughts returned to my mind, i had so much hatred i just wanted to scream and scream and scream really loud...Well i tried to watch the show that was on but before i knew it tears were getting in my way, streaming down my face. And i tried so hard to stop then and wipe them away, for fear my mom would come downstairs again and see me, but i couldn't...After that my anger had pretty much subsided, and my depression took over me...I went to my room, put on my headphones, and turned on my portable cd player. I searched and found a few cds i knew had deep, emotional songs on them and put one in, knowing it was too early to go to sleep. So for about an hr of just letting out my tears, ok i was still really angry, just not angry enough to put a hole in the wall, so i just let it all out...which is good somewhat but i know it's not good to be in that state when i just feel like there's so much to cry over...So i'm really glad it's spring break, i'm just not so happy i'll have to take a break from school here at home all week with my family. They're supposed to all go to some hotel one night just to do something, and i really hope they do because i'd rather spend some time alone then with them...maybe things will change someday...but for now i'm worn out and drained emotionally and physically, i'm sad, but there's things that make me happy..i'm sick of my family, i'm angry with friends who never ask me to do things with them. i'm excited, well i was excited it was spring break. i'm hurt. i'm lost. i'm desperate for someone to help me..I guess you could say i'm feeling a mirage of emotions right now...a mirage of emotions. i like that. but at the same time, i think i'm past feeling, for today. past feeling the pain and the hurt...for now. ~but tomorrow will come. and my feelings will return.~

here's one of the songs i listened to last night...

Stories
By: Toby Mac

We've been down to the bottom
Stories we got 'em, when we hit rock bottom
If you been there put your hands in the air
To let the lost know that someone cares
Cause we've been down to the bottom
Stories we've got 'em, when we hit rock bottom
If you been there put your hands in the air
And let somebody know that the Most High cares

I never knew that it would feel like this
When the two that raised you up and call it quits
Nobody told me 'bout the emptiness
When the place you call home is closed for business
I push the pain down, I gotta "get by"
Always knowin' in my heart that it ain't gonna fly
Rock bottom's never felt so near before
And if pain is God's megaphone it's loud and clear
So hold me now father, human love ain't enough
I've failed and been failed by the people I love
But your faithful arms they surround me
And any other soul who has to sail those seas
Of a broken family

Been so many times that
I've been close to rock bottom
Tryin' to look for answers
but nobody's got 'em
Like the time my mother looked me in the eye
Tryin' not to cry, tellin' me
the cancer might cause her to die
How can this be,
I thought that God loved me?
So why would he
try to take my mother from me?
And as I cry myself to sleep at night, holding on my pillow tight
He spoke to me and said that everything gonna be alright
So I tried to fight all the pain that it caused
Try to move on and I try to stay strong
So put your hands up, hey, if y'all are feelin' me
And put your hands up for everyone to see
So put your hands up, we all a family
So put your hands up, in unity, in unity

I've been there too
When everything falls apart and the best you can do is
Get through each day wonderin' will this never end?
Is it always going to be this way?
And the greatest lie you've ever been told is that
You're the only one to ever walk on this road
And that you'll never see the light of dawn,
so we came together to say Hold on
Cause we've been there and found our way home
I promise you that you're not on your own
One day this will pass, God will see us all through
God will see us all through, God will see us all pass through

~~