how i wish it could be that easy...how i wish to block out my life...the people..the hurt...the stress...

i don't get close to people...because i don't wanna be hurt....yet here i am, getting all the more closer to people...and just the same..i am hurt worse than ever. i hate how things have to be this way...how people can be so blind to some of the things they say and do....yet i do exactly the same thing...i put on the "i don't care" expression hoping that for the moment i can fool people into thinking i really don't care at all...with the busyness of work and the stress of hw i was able to block out and ignore many of the things that she was doing this week...but now, with it being friday, i choose to dwell on every day, every moment when something happened or something she said that hurt me...including just now. here i sit crying, tears streaming down my cheeks wondering when will it end? i can't do this anymore. i can't be here, around ppl like her if it's just going to stress me out more and more....if it's just going to hurt to try to love someone.

and i'm so angry right now I could almost hurt myself…but i'm trying not to do that anymore…again…if ppl didn't stress me out so much, i don't think i'd have as much of a problem, but it's that moment in ur life when you feel everything is spinning out of control that you want to maintain some sort of control in your life….so you slowly dig ur nails into ur arms to feel the pain of something real…physically pain. i'm so sick of others emotionally hurting me…i'd rather hurt myself…then i know I did it. it was all me…because this way, it seems better somehow, in a twisted sort of way. because i can't deal with ppl hurting me anymore…and that's all tricia does now it seems. she doesn't get it and i try to talk to her, but shes just always too busy…and i wonder why i bother trying to spend time with someone like her. i've tried hardening my heart to some of things she says and does. if she promises to do something, i know i can't count on it..or if she says she cares..i really shouldn't even try to believe her. and i'm also so sick of her blamming for me everything...blaming me for why she does what she does...and when she tries to get me to talk to her like I do with other people….i just gotta tell myself that she just can’t deal with stuff like that, or listen to it..because she only wants to know to be like my other friends..she only wants to feel like i'm as close to her like i am to someone like mary..but the fact is, she's not. and i'm just so sick of her right now. last weekend i didn't see her all day saturday and almost all day sunday and she comes in my room telling me how much she misses me and stuff like that….then i was like whatever…she couldn't care less…and that's just how i am now. she's lost all respect i might have had for her because i refuse to continue to get hurt and upset with her…

yet why am i still crying over this..and how can i get my heart to stop hurting…cause i do want a friendship with her…it's just too hard for me to deal with now…maybe other people can..but i can't. not at this point in my life where any time i get really upset with her, i wanna hurt myself. i can't put myself in that situation..and i can't stop myself from thinking about it either. i'm no good for her, and she's no good for me..and i just have to accept that that's the way it's going to be for now..until one of us changes..or she actually has time for the abundance of friends she seems to have…i knew things were too good to be true...i don't deserve that good of a life...haha

i read this quote a long time ago..and i never will forget it...

"everyone will hurt you sooner of later...you just have to decide who's worth the pain..."

i've decided now that tricia is not worth being hurt over...she's not worth the pain in my life and i'm not going to let her control that in my life anymore. it's exactly what she wants, to know that she has hurt me by doing what she does..or by not coming to mary's this weekend..but i will have fun without her...i'll try...and i'll try to enjoy a weekend without her...and i won't let her know that she has the power to hurt me...not until our friendship is deeper than that...when i should care about things like that...

whew....now i feel better. that's always good...most likely the goal i have every time i blog..and at least for now…the tears are gone….