i just realized i have 2 tests on friday. one in music appreciation and one in hebrew. and thursday night i have to do my presentation for intro to children's lit. i have to read a book to the entire class and plan an activity. i also have to write up a lesson plan to go along with it. i have the book picked out, it's a favorite with the preschoolers back home. they are always having me read it so i bought it. it's called "designed by god so i must be special" i love the illustrations and the message it has for young children...but these are college aged ppl. i don't want to read to them!

tomorrow i meet with my advisor to schedule for next semester's classes. i think i'm going to take 2 night classes to get them out of the way, in case i do decide to do a 6 month internship the spring of my junior year. i really think it would be the best for me. not to just get away from here for a bit before my senior year, but to give me a longer experience in ministry and to get to know the kids a bit longer. 3 months and then leaving, that seems a little hard. i'm just not sure what church i would go to, i'm thinking some place close to home...because i truly miss my kids back there, more than anything. and i really want to see baby seth grow up, just a little bit. i want to be a little part of his life...like i am with his 2 older brothers.

so with all this i have to do, i escaped off to my spot in the woods...down by the river again tonight. but after reading the bible, a book of mine, and writing...i read a children's book, "because of winn-dixie" as 1 of the 70 books i have to read for my children's lit class...so i feel like i kinda did a little something. even though i really wanted to read that and i could have waited. now i want to watch the movie again. i don't know why i love it so much, it centers on a dog and i hate dogs. i think i like the little girl...and now i can't decide which is better, the book or the movie. i think i love both. the book held the same magic as the movie did...

and tonight, at work...i read another book for my class, "charlotte's web" which is another good book and i love that movie too, but i have yet to buy it because the girls i babysat all summer, they watched that movie all the time, so i got to see it all the time...

and with all the work i have for the rest of the week, i'm just wasting time on the internet or with friends right now...because i'd rather put it off and just enjoy my night. who knows maybe i'll get to bed early cause i have a 7:35 tomorrow morning.

i don't have much depth for my writing tonight, just some of the things that are happening or have been happening. i've been writing alot more in a journal lately..but still not much poetry, as inspired as i have been, i can't put the pen to the paper to write that poem.

probably because of fear of disappointment. the worst thing that can happen is when i try to write a poem that i think sounds good and expresses the emotion i'm trying to express...and then failing. so it's all i can think about, all i can write about...maybe even all i can talk about (you know, the voices in my head) but i can't put aside that time and that energy and that creativity into a poem. i'd rather dwell on reading my old works of art. i think i seriously wrote better when i was depressed...so now that i'm happier, now that i'm more joyful, i fear i lost some of that drive...some of that energy...that creativity.

ahh, and just writing about this fuels my anger and disappointment in myself...and in my writing.

off to the woods again...off to the river...where all is peaceful...where all is quiet...where the sounds of the rushing waters soothe my broken soul.

it's a time of healing...a time of clearing my head...and a time of writing...

prayer and bible reading might happen for a few min. while i'm down there...

but mostly just writing and getting lost in a good chapter book....

i believe with time, all that god stuff will come and sort itself out. because every day i'm learning more and more how to trust god....with life.

yesterday was the first day i went down by the river by myself for a couple hrs. and it was the most amazing experience here yet that i can remember. i find peace and rest in solitude most times...and that was one of them. sometimes it's dangerous for me to be alone, but not out there, where happiness seems to dwell within the river, the trees...the nature.

and yesterday i can say i was truly happy..it's been awhile since i could say that...probably since the last time i went home and held baby seth. but this is almost the same thing. almost. anyways i'm off again, to enjoy the rest of this beautiful day...all by myself...

it's late and i wish i could go to sleep but i can't. i have so much on my mind. so much to think about. so much i wish i could talk to someone about. so much that i wish someone would care about and ask me about and just want to listen to me.

but there is no one.
i am all alone.
again.

it was only a matter of time. it's kinda ironic that the mood randomly came up "unwanted" because that's exactly how i feel right now. sitting alone in the dark of my dorm room. the room i've been in ever since 3 this afternoon when my classes were done with, except for the small walk i took outside.

i want to go back home really bad now. and i don't know why. i don't want to live at home, but i really miss the church, the people, my friends, and the kids. last weekend i got to go home and hold michelle's new baby and it was the most amazing experience ever. and i have no clue why. it's like the first baby i really know in years, probably since my sister and she's now 12! i don't know why all these years i've steered clear of all the babies at church and went straight to working with preschoolers...

but i know one thing and one thing only from that experience.

as i was holding this 3 week old baby boy, staring at how peacefully he was sleeping in my arms...as the tears formed in my eyes...i saw the beauty in this baby..i saw the wonder...i saw a life. a life of importance. and i realized my life was important as well..and for the first time in who knows, maybe forever, i realized my life is definitely worth living. to experience moments like that one, definitely makes my life worth living..and i want to live to experience more moments like this. to watch this young baby grow up just like his brothers.

and it couldn't have come at a better time.

a couple of weeks ago suicidal thoughts ran through my head more than i can ever remember before. and i knew exactly the way to do it. and not to tell anyone...so that i would succeed. and i feel sick admitting this..because it just shows how low i've sank since i've been off my anti-depressants...and it makes me question whether that was a good idea or not..whether or not i was really reliant on the pills to the point where i was thinking i really must need them to be ok...but i am ok without them right? that's why the doctor weened me off...but my thoughts often contridict one another.

and then the week after that all i could think about was hurting myself again...i realized i didn't want to actually kill myself, just hurt myself...forget that i'm 20 now and i promised myself i wouldn't return to my teenage habits. it's still only been 5 months...the longest i've went before was half a year...never yet a whole year...and i wanted more than ever to dig my nails into my skin. instead i just let the tears flow, the pain in my heart hurt..and i sat up and wrote michelle the stupidest email ever...and i worried her really bad. and i wish i hadn't. cause i want to believe that i've changed. i want to believe i'm better...and she had nothing to say to me except conseling...counseling...the words repeated...over and over again. but can i blame her? if someone like that was talking to me, i'd be scared to say anything. i am so screwed up.

so then why is it so hard. and why do i still have to fight these thoughts, feelings, urges...to destroy myself???

is my life really that bad?

and as much as holding that baby, it made me realize the importance of life, i have to question my own thoughts, sometimes they seem to have a mind of their own...either that or i'm demon possessed or something like that. seriously. it may feel like that...walking around like i'm living...but only existing...day after day. just waiting for it all to end.

i can't write anymore. it's been so long since i've really wrote like this..and it's too much. it's too painful. maybe a few more entries like this and i'll be fine. ok. i hope it helps with my anger. because it seems like i carry alot of hatred and anger around wherever i go. and it's miserable. it's killing me..maybe not physically, but emotionally...

...i seriously don't know how much more of this i can take...


*deep breath*

```ok, i'm gone for now```

♥ rain_drop

welcome back world. welcome back me. welcome back aeonity. i've been gone from here so long. i've missed you. i grew to love myspace blogging a little too much only to have it all deleted. gone. forever. all those blogs, all those poems...vanished in thin air. now before i start another one...i thought i'd resume this one. because i have no readers anymore. no fans, no comments, no audience. so i hide myself behind the name rain_drop....and i will forever write about anything and everything...because if i don't...i feel like i might die.

hopefully i won't lose this one as well.

it's been forever since i last wrote...

so in my imagination i am a writer, i am poet...and like some poets, i...need a pen name. so in an attempt to come up with a pen name that seems to suit me...i figured out some possibilities. there's so many different names i could make, i could use part of my real name, part of my blog name here, rain_drop...names i really really like...it's endless possiblities here. but i've also found it quite fun...and for now, i'm settling on Serena Rayne...it was between that and Rayne Drop..haha, like my name on here spelled different..or maybe it could be like Serena Rayne Drop..haha...so how’s that sound???

i picked serena who was a girl in my class back in the 3's on wed. night. then when i got moved to 4's on sunday mornings she was there. one morning in church her and her parents were in front of the church as her parents told their testimony. it was a heart breaking story and the parents talked of their struggle with their marriage but how coming to our church and plugging in really helped..and things were good now...until serveral months later when the last i knew, they were filing for divorce...and little did i see serena after that. about a month ago i saw her and she gave me a huge hug..i told her i missed her. she looked happy to see me, but i felt sorry for her. the mom said things were good, but i could tell that was not the case. she looked so sad, so distant..and my pretty serena seemed joyless...and i haven't seen her since. i miss her and the joy she would bring to my classroom with her quiet nature...and well that was a long story, but i've always loved her name and i've told her so many times. and rayne, well it's like rain...ya know, except that's how ppl spell it when it's a name..and well it works for me. Serena Rayne...so i'll stick with that for right now.

i have lots more serious stuff to blog about, but i'm avoiding it, avoiding it like i have for several weeks now. it doesn't help any...but there's too much else on my mind to divulge into a serious night with me and my emotions...and i'm not in the mood for a hurting heart and a tear stained face...so that's all for now...

there's no stopping the negative thoughts pouring into my mind right now. there's no stopping the tears that are dripping down my cheeks as i try to be as quiet as possible so not to wake my younger sister sleeping in the bed across the room. the musik blaring in my ears from the headphones. the negativism held in those lyrics, the emotions stirred up inside me from these songs. nothing will stop me from listening to them. to taking their pain on as my own. walking through their painful memories with them when i'm not at all steady enough to do so myself. not strong enough to deal with it now. the anger just pours out of my heart...but i can't just scream and let it out...cause ppl are sleeping. there's nothing stopping me from doing what i shouldn't...yet i'm not and i don't know why. it's weird. but the thorn is still stuck in my heart, i can't pull it out. i wish i could...i really do. but it's been there for years now. at times it hasn't hurt as much, the pain went away...but whenever i move or get too upset, i remember it's there, right in my chest, and it hurts again. i can't see it...i can only feel it. there. hurting me. haunting me. memories may fade sometimes but the hurt does not. and the music only helps to influence the thoughts and pain i feel...yet i still listen. there's not much else to do. the only thing left to do now is to just get in the car and drive really really fast...and go nowhere and anywhere...yet that scares me now...so i'll be safe, keep it inside, stay inside...hurt in the dark depths...in the shadows..tomorrow i'll be fine. so they say. so you think. but i'm so alone. so very and utterly alone. i'm broken and at this point there's nothing and nobody that can fix me. there's no escape, i have to face and endure the pain. how much though...how much til i'm done. til i pass the test and get to move on with my life. will i be able to move on? or will i be dead. death will get the better of me before too long. tonight, i wrote in a real journal, the first time since october of last year...i wrote down instead of typing my thoughts and feelings..yet it did no good cause i'm now typing on here. maybe it did some. but not enough. the fact is, i'm scared to write down everything because i'm afriad someone will find it. i'm more scared that they'll find my journals then my online blogs...know what i realized right now...writing calms me down. i'm much calmer now. i think i'll make it tonight. the tears are drying on my cheeks...my nose is clearing...my eyes are finally tried and heavy...it's not easy living this life i'm living...it's not easy being at home..no one seems to care. no one at all. i try to talk to people, i really do. but it's hard...especially since being home has given me the opportunity to retreat into myself once again. to hide my feelings and what i'm going through from ppl...i can convince lots of people that my summer's good so far, i'm babysitting alot, i'm happy...but if i really take time to think about it...those are just lies. i'll never really be happy...kids can only satisfy me for a moment. i don't even think they can really bring joy in my life, jus ta bit of happiness for a moment...i want more than anything to run away because i see no good coming from staying here. i'm sick of it, i'm sick of people telling me i can work it out with my family. that i need to be more positive. that i need to try. all these things that i need to do. when what i really need is someone just to care about me. to love me. to not tell me what i'm doing wrong..or what i should do. i just need someone to love me...and recognize the pain i am feeling at this moment...during this time in my life...when i feel as if my world is crashing down before me....but right, that's just being selfish and such..and i don't deserve something like that. not for the way i've been living...not for how i'm acting or my attitude towards people...but so what!?! what do i care...yes, i'm in pain. so, i might get over it eventually. i just need to yell at someone....and if i can't...i need to be able to write freely on here and have people just accept what i have to say...this is what i'm feeling...this is what i have to say. this is who i am, for the moment...it's easier to stay in this place that causes me great pain and feelings of failure. i just can't explain any more. i must get some rest...

i feel proud of myself..in a twisted sort of way. yes, last week ended horribly, but so far this week hasn't been so bad. and maybe it has, but i've dealt with it, or rather avoided it so far.

see amy left the other day..and i didn't let myself cry.

and tricia and abby left today...i haven't cried.

and tomorrow i'll have to say goodbye to cameron...

and then mary...

and everyone else...and it'll be horrible, awful..miserable...but i'll be fine. cause i have to be...until i get home.

i know the min. i get home i'll escape to my room, call michelle and jennifer and let them know i'm home, then lock myself in my room, crawl in my bed and cry. and hopefully i'll just cry, get over it, and move on...but i don't know. it's like camp, when i'd always come home and crash..and cry..cause i just wanted to go back so far to that place far away from home...this summer will feel sooo long...i just hope i can make it through.

while i haven't let myself cry since that day...i also haven't let myself accept the fact that i'm leaving soon. friday morning and that other people are leaving too. and i know that's just going to make it all the more harder in the end. but maybe if my internet was working and i could blog regulary, maybe i would be writing this sooner and accepting some things...cause this helps me sort out my thoughts.

but i'm done with everything now. and tomorrow i don't know what i'm doing for sure, just hanging out or going somewhere...enjoying my last day and waiting for my mom to show up. i talked to michelle the other day and found out she's going to have a boy, this will be her third boy...but it's exciting cause this will be her first kid that'll i'll get to know from birth. i mean, when she was in my dgroup at church she was pregnant with blake but then she stepped out of the group cause she didn't have enough time, so i really didn't know her then...like i do now. i hope i can spend alot of time with her this summer. i also hope i can spend time with amanda and jacob and maybe take amanda to the pool a few times...i always enjoy that. so hopefully, thinking about my kids and such will make me look forward to going home, just a little.

ok, i must return to my room now...movie time..or reading..that's what i do without the internet.

so the past month or so has been hard..but i've had some good times as well. currently my internet isn't working and i have no good place to blog. there's always my roommate's computer but i can tell she really doesn't want me on. so i've been getting so bored without it. plus everyone was either gone or busy this weekend. i've been fighting alot with myself on change..and who i am. it's hard to move beyond the pain and the hurt that seems to consume my every thought and memory but on the other hand, it's time to move on. i have so much to look forward to, so much to live for...the problem comes when these thoughts are overshadowed by the negative ones. it takes all i can sometimes to fight past the hurt..and last night was no different.

last night the thoughts overwhelmed and overtook my mind and the tears were flowing down my cheeks. i was getting sick of it. every time i thought i was done crying....an hr. later more tears came. how long until it will end? i kept asking myself. i know that crying is good and all..but when it gets to the point where the negative thoughts and emotions and sadness are controlling who you are, then it becomes too much. that's when i allow myself to do things i shouldn't do to make up for the fact that i am hurting deeply and don't know how to handle things. last night was again, the first time in awhile that i allowed my negative thoughts to control me. to let my fingers dig into my skin..on my arms...all up and down my legs..my stomach. til i was physically hurting all over. and when that wasn't enough i took a plastic hair clip and repeated the motions that my fingernails had just down...so that parts of my skin were peeling off..and yet...i still did not bleed. maybe part of me wanted to bleed. maybe i thought if i did it hard enough that i would get deep enough to bleed and maybe that would make me realize my actions and what i was doing to myself. but it was pitch dark in the room...my roommate was trying to sleep and it was all i could ever do to try to keep the tears and the anger silent. i just wanted to scream out...but with teeth clenched and fists held tight....i tried not to make any noise. i held my breathe in hopes that it would all just go away..that the anger that was overwhelming me would soon pass..and it did. eventually i wore myself out so much that i just wanted to lay down and sleep. no more tears. just peaceful sleep...and so i did…but only after i went in the bathroom and looked at what i had just done to myself. however, the burning and the stinging that i physically felt was greater than the internal pain and shame that i felt...so for now, another night was passing...and even though the way i dealt with it was wrong, very wrong....i did not feel any guilt or shame until this morning...when i realized i can't hide this or it won't help me the least.

but today has been better so far...my arms still sting a little and i still have a few marks on my left arm, but they've been fading and are almost gone...i've been hanging out with amy today and now she's letting me use her computer while she's out..and i'm finally feeling like i'm being able to fully express myself using words on here...instead of just myspace. but i can't just get on here on anyone's computer or they'll find this...and this is something that i write more for myself. it's more personal and it's very beneficial to me...most of the time. so now today, i will move on from my so called, "broken yesterday" and things will be better. at least i hope to. i'm trying to think like this, cause it's better for me. i've been making myself miserable too long and once again i'm sick of it. i want to go back to that time i was just over cameron's and i felt like i needed God and all that and laying down that night i actually prayed. i wanna be able to trust God again and rely on him to help me...especially through the hard times when i'm all alone and there's nobody to talk to. especially since i'm going home this weekend to a home i don't really feel as "my home"...i know i'll be able to make it thought this summer...but i know there's no way i can make it by myself....

until next time...

i really hate people somedays...
...today is one of those days...

but my roommate's been nice to me..when she's around.

oh well. i'll get over it i guess....
...i always do.


by the way...my last post was my 200th post on here..and i missed it.
i've been around here way too long.

i hate this one...it was probably just something i scribbled down real fast. however i turned it into my background image....because i had a pix i took at michelle's house of her window and i thought it was cool...but i have another poem about rain_drops and tears..and windows...maybe i'll type that one up as well..someday. i plan to type and print all my poems out one day and put em in a book or something. i have so many of em..in so many different places...i'm not scared of em anymore..or ashamed. because they are a part of who i was...and am...and i've been writing poems for so many years throughout high school and now into college...but this one's only a year old...i wrote it April 13, 2006

Drops of Defeat

as the raindrops fall
outside my window
in step with the drops
falling down my face
wind whistling through the trees
thoughts flowing over me
memories and leaves intertwining
rain pelting the grass
which bows down in defeat
as the doubt and the fear
pushes me further down
wishing of what could have been
is like wishing for the sun
to shine through the thunderstorm
staring out the window
and watching the storms
of life pass through
only one way it seems
to make it through
just wait through the storm
the clouds will soon clear
and through prayer and hope
i will survive...
through the defeat...
just make it through the night

there's so much i need to write about..on here...in my journal...somewhere. anywhere....

when will i have the time...when will i have the time and feel like it at the same time?

like for example, these dreams i've been actually remembering...their coming back. the ones that haunt me. about dying...death. last week i killed myself...and last night i killed somebody else...and it felt so good...maybe i've been watching too much diagnosis murder lately..or maybe not, i really don't think that's it. i just think they've come back to haunt me..not that i'm scared or anything by them...i just know in a way it's not right is it? am i really supposed to dream about this and imagine it???

i think i've been spending too much time by myself lately and i've been letting my thoughts and imagaination go..i know it's not good for me...it may be for anne of green gables...but not for me...i wish it was not like this....not like this at all. i wish i was anne right now and could escape to my forest with my books and adventurous spirit..and maybe even a bosom friend as well...a real kindred spirit right by my side...

i have realized why i was so hesitant to go over my friend's houses, spend time with their kids, and call everyone who told me to make sure to call them to come visit...the beginning of my spring break i went no where..and now i know why. i couldn't help it, i had babysitting jobs and people calling, so eventually, tuesday, i left this house to go see people...besides church on Sunday…and now that i've seen everyone again, it's sad to have to go again...i even spent the night over michelle's on tuesday and spent the night over jennifer's on thursday...it's not that i don't want to go back, i do...but i just hate not being able to see jennifer and michelle all the time...especially michelle..and i don't know why sometimes...why i've grown so close to her, out of all people...

but i sit here in my dark room, wishing i could just be over michelle's house instead...cause i hate it here..i really do, today was one of the worst, well one of them anyways...and i'm ready to leave again, to leave this family, this house..and all that goes with it, but i don't wanna say goodbye to my friends again..and then the kids, the sweet kids…i just hate coming back and being so happy to see everyone and hanging out with them and the kids giving me hugs and kisses and telling me not to leave again..and then not being able to see them. i hate coming back home and crying all the time, something that doesn't happen often at school..but the very night I came back, a week ago, i was flooded with emotion, so much so that i cried for at least 2 hrs. straight…and part of the time it was like i didn't even realize the tears were coming, but my face was soaked...i don't understand. i don't understand at all...

i don't understand why i have so much hatred toward my dad...or why the day i get back I call him a butthole and he laughs and then the next day yells at me for it...and why don't i even care? why is telling him to shut up something i'm so used to that i don't even think twice about before i say it..things like "butthole" and "shut up" and "idiot" and "i hate you" just come out so naturally around him...i don't understand how I can be so hateful towards my family, it's like i'm a different person sometimes...a person who even starts to scare me...

and the thing i really don't understand is why after the car wreck where i nearly died, i can still put God off and care less about him sometimes..why it's so hard to try and pray, read the bible..and why when people start to talk to me about it all that goes through my head is how much i wish they'd shut up and how i hate them for saying these things to me…i thought things would be different by now…i really did...and thinking these things is what keeps me up late at night…at home...and the tears still fall...cause i realize how much of a failure i still am...and how little i do to change that...like even in here, i haven’t been writing as much lately because how many times can you say how much you hate life and the things going on...how many negative thoughts can you really record in one blog? its just the same old thing...over and over again and even i get tired of typing it...sometimes...and the longer i sit here typing, the more i think...and the worse i feel...so how's that for an update???

i can't do it anymore...

seriously.

how i wish it could be that easy...how i wish to block out my life...the people..the hurt...the stress...

i don't get close to people...because i don't wanna be hurt....yet here i am, getting all the more closer to people...and just the same..i am hurt worse than ever. i hate how things have to be this way...how people can be so blind to some of the things they say and do....yet i do exactly the same thing...i put on the "i don't care" expression hoping that for the moment i can fool people into thinking i really don't care at all...with the busyness of work and the stress of hw i was able to block out and ignore many of the things that she was doing this week...but now, with it being friday, i choose to dwell on every day, every moment when something happened or something she said that hurt me...including just now. here i sit crying, tears streaming down my cheeks wondering when will it end? i can't do this anymore. i can't be here, around ppl like her if it's just going to stress me out more and more....if it's just going to hurt to try to love someone.

and i'm so angry right now I could almost hurt myself…but i'm trying not to do that anymore…again…if ppl didn't stress me out so much, i don't think i'd have as much of a problem, but it's that moment in ur life when you feel everything is spinning out of control that you want to maintain some sort of control in your life….so you slowly dig ur nails into ur arms to feel the pain of something real…physically pain. i'm so sick of others emotionally hurting me…i'd rather hurt myself…then i know I did it. it was all me…because this way, it seems better somehow, in a twisted sort of way. because i can't deal with ppl hurting me anymore…and that's all tricia does now it seems. she doesn't get it and i try to talk to her, but shes just always too busy…and i wonder why i bother trying to spend time with someone like her. i've tried hardening my heart to some of things she says and does. if she promises to do something, i know i can't count on it..or if she says she cares..i really shouldn't even try to believe her. and i'm also so sick of her blamming for me everything...blaming me for why she does what she does...and when she tries to get me to talk to her like I do with other people….i just gotta tell myself that she just can’t deal with stuff like that, or listen to it..because she only wants to know to be like my other friends..she only wants to feel like i'm as close to her like i am to someone like mary..but the fact is, she's not. and i'm just so sick of her right now. last weekend i didn't see her all day saturday and almost all day sunday and she comes in my room telling me how much she misses me and stuff like that….then i was like whatever…she couldn't care less…and that's just how i am now. she's lost all respect i might have had for her because i refuse to continue to get hurt and upset with her…

yet why am i still crying over this..and how can i get my heart to stop hurting…cause i do want a friendship with her…it's just too hard for me to deal with now…maybe other people can..but i can't. not at this point in my life where any time i get really upset with her, i wanna hurt myself. i can't put myself in that situation..and i can't stop myself from thinking about it either. i'm no good for her, and she's no good for me..and i just have to accept that that's the way it's going to be for now..until one of us changes..or she actually has time for the abundance of friends she seems to have…i knew things were too good to be true...i don't deserve that good of a life...haha

i read this quote a long time ago..and i never will forget it...

"everyone will hurt you sooner of later...you just have to decide who's worth the pain..."

i've decided now that tricia is not worth being hurt over...she's not worth the pain in my life and i'm not going to let her control that in my life anymore. it's exactly what she wants, to know that she has hurt me by doing what she does..or by not coming to mary's this weekend..but i will have fun without her...i'll try...and i'll try to enjoy a weekend without her...and i won't let her know that she has the power to hurt me...not until our friendship is deeper than that...when i should care about things like that...

whew....now i feel better. that's always good...most likely the goal i have every time i blog..and at least for now…the tears are gone….

i hate my computer sometimes. i've tried typing an entry in here four times already..and it keeps messing up and disappearing. i'm not meant to write about my feelings..i'm not meant to write about how angry i am now..or how much i just wanna cry right now. i hate this. i hate it. i hate it. why won't it just work??? why can't i write in here??? why is my computer screwed up......yet i try to write once again...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

i hate home..but i wanna go home....i want to soo badly...i miss michelle...i miss my kids...

i really wanna cry..why can't i just do it and get it over with..why won't my computer work long enough for me to decently write about how frustrated and angry i am...

stupid.

so i hate valentine's day...but didn't remember why til a couple days ago..then i was like stupid memories...why did you have to remind me of what happened a few years ago??? why? if only i hadn't read that journal entry...why did i have my journals out that day? it doesn't matter, i would have remembered anyhow...but i don't even remember for sure if it was valentine's day or the day after, but i guess it doesn't matter, it just revolved around that day enough that the memory was engraved in my mind...forever it seems...i can't let it go..not now...for now i will continue to hold that against my dad..i'm not ready to forgive him or stop hating him quite yet.

but i did get a valentine's gift in the mail from michelle and her kids riley and blake..and then another one from debbie and her kids molly and maggie..and it was really sweet of them to send me stuff...and that just makes me wanna go home all the more..and the fact that i talked to michelle on the phone today and she was telling me about all the kids at church and what's been going on..and how riley keeps asking when i'm coming home. she said at the end of feb. her husband is going on a trip or something and that if i come home that weekend i can hang out at her house...so now me and my roommate are trying to go home that weekend cause she's been wanting to also...and i miss my friends..and kids back home. jennifer emailed me today and that just reminded me that i hadn't talked to her in awhile either and it's kinda sad...i don't wanna forget them..i do miss talking to them..it's just that i've become so busy here that i don't even have time to think sometimes...tonight i tried to be alone in my room for the night, but there's just too many ppl here...sometimes it can be really annoying because i need my alone time...badly...i need my time to feel sad, depressed..time to myself to just cry and feel lonely..and then i can just get over it and hang out with ppl and have fun..but that hasn't happened in a long time..and i've become really stressed out.

so tomorrow...after work..and after the dreaded small group meeting where i talk about how i'm a failure at life basically...i will take some time to spend with myself..me and myself alone..because many girls on the hall are going to this valentine's dinner thing that i'm not going to...so..until tomorrow...

sometimes i wonder when i'm going to finally crash and get some sleep. like today, i wake up 45 min. before i planned too...which means i only slept like 5 and a half hrs. last night and i could have slept longer...but i woke up. and now i can't go back to sleep but i'm so tired and i have a huge headache.

i don't even know why i'm writing..cause i don't feel like it, and i have nothing to say. nothing good anyways. and i'm not in the mood to write down everything that is getting me upset and angry right now..it's just too much. school is too much...people are too much. sometimes i do wanna go back to what it was like in high school, before i had friends and such...when i would just escape to the couch in the basement after school every day and take a nap..and watch tv...and then get on the computer for hours at night and escape into my world of online friends and talk to people i would never meet or have to see in my entire life...sometimes i just think how much better that was than this....but i know i'm lying to myself. cause i hated my life then..though i'm not sure i'm loving it any better some of these days...

it's when that need to write is so strong that no matter what you try to focus on..it simply won't get done because you're imagining out the words to everything you want to write about and you have to just get it down..before you lose the words that are beautifully constructed in your head to tell a story filled with emotion...no matter what others think...no matter their opinions...here's what's been going on since my last entry...

the other day michelle actually got on instant messenger and was IMing me. we talked about a few things and she wanted to know if i had thought any more about counseling..and i told her that everyone keeps telling me how i really should do it now..how i really need it..and she's telling me how it's all MY choice and NOT everyone else's...and then i said something like i think i need it too...she was asking why...and then asked "have you been taking care of yourself" it scared me, i really didn't think she meant what she meant, so i asked her what she did mean and she responds with...."have you been hurting yourself again?"

...i responded with a simple "yes"..but that "yes" holds more meaning than one could imagine..that "yes" changed everything michelle had been thinking of me, to that point i know. it filled her with worry and concern and maybe even love for me. the next day she even called me, probably only the second time this semester that i talked to her on the phone. i remember last semester, i called her all the time...but i've been holding off on the phone calls so far. trying to figure out my place in this mess. i knew i wouldn't be able to hide this from her much longer...i knew eventually she would ask, just to make sure expecting a "no"...but i couldn't lie when she directly asked me. so over the phone i explained the things that have went on all the way back to thanksgiving break, after the talk i had with her when the answer at that time was truly a "no"....but things have changed and i've spiraled down into the darkness once again...i'm entered into this cycle of pain and depression once again and im struggling to see the light like i once saw it....forever ago...

so the next day michelle calls me to see how things were going and to further talk...instead of IM and she made me talk about everything...i didn't want to but i did..and then i start crying. but i could tell that she cared so much and that just makes me miss her alot and i wish i could just go see her...spend the night like i used to...that way we can stay up late talking...it's just not the same on the phone. but then her kids came home, so she had to go.

she called back later, this time just to talk about things going on. she told me that she's pregnant. this made me so happy. seriously. she's been talking to me about wanting a third child for months now but her husband didn't know if he wanted another one and all this..but now she's pregnant. and i told her it made me really happy. and she said that she thought so and that's why she finally decided to tell me...and well, that's the good news now. i can't stop thinking about it now...

i talked to my mom on the phone the other day too cause i had to ask her about something. but then, she told me that my sister was still up so i talked to my sister on the phone. this is only the second time, the whole time i've been here that i talked to her on the phone..and it wasn't that long cause she's not a phone talker...i talk to her more on IM but i don't know, it just made me realize that i do actually miss her...it's the first time that i ever realized this..and it's kinda sad that it took this long, but i do miss her..she's getting older now and she's kinda fun to talk to sometimes. i told her the movies i bought and she wants me to bring agent cody banks home for her to watch whenever i do come home..she wants me to come home soon...adrian's been talking to her dad...maybe we can make a trip before i have to be home for a friend's wedding...

so with talking to everybody, i was going to call jennifer tonight and talk to amanda and jacob if i could..but then i forgot i had to work til 10:30 at night and she goes to bed early...i hope i remember tomorrow cause she sent me an email this morning cause i haven't talked to her in awhile...

other good news, a friend of mine and adrian's is coming on friday...morgan..it should be a fun weekend with her here...i don't know, i want to spend time with her and my friends here..and i hope it works out. but adrian is soo happy that she's coming and i think it'll be a good thing...

anyways i lost my thought...got busy...that's why i write when all the thoughts are flowing through my head..and when they stop...i stop..and that's how it is. later~

so me and the roommate had quite a long talk tonight...well, actually this morning. and it was good..some stuff had been happening in the hall and she was getting frustrated being the one to help people all the time and make sure their ok...and we got to talking and when she asked me why i wasn't going to church tomorrow i told her what i had told tricia earlier. tricia asked me why i wasn't going and i said cause i'm sick of church. so she said that i better apologize to jesus now and i told her jesus and i were not on speaking terms. and she laughed...cause i'm oh so clever. well when i told adrian she's like seriously? and then wants to know when this happened and all..and i don't know, i don't know how i feel about all this stuff it's just so confusing. and so she's asking me if this is recent or if it's still from stuff that has gone on in the past, since she knows pretty much everything that i've been through...and i told her it's still something i've been struggling with, more now than before..but it's been this continuous thing for like years now...and i don't understand. i'm just sick of trying to deal with this god stuff and i'm tired of struggling with this..so i just wanna give it all up again. but i know it didn't work for me in the past so why would it work now? but what does god care...i'm still the same as i was a couple years ago..no matter how much people tell me i've changed. things will never be right...and now things are just more complicated than before cause i have people who actually talk to me now, like really talk to me, it's weird. it's something i've never had before besides my old counselor.

so with saying all this, i've decided that i'm not going to church tomorrow. i'm tired of going every week and i've been sick the past couple of days and i've been getting really annoyed with some of the ppl i usually go to church with, so i think it's best that i just not go tomorrow. life is just confusing and frustrating sometimes and everything is always such a big deal with some people. i just need time to think...like really think...with these people here, you have to watch everything you say, you can't joke around...and...ahh it just makes me hate people, seriously...but then some people you meet and they just seem really nice and you wonder if this is for real? or when you really start to get to know a person, are they not who you think they are?

relationships stink and so do friends. you either get close to someone just for them to leave you or move away...or you have this "fake" thing going around, where you're happy and they're happy and everything's always good....that beats everyone getting mad at each other all the time and fighting going on...that seems better than the frustration and hurt and anger that comes along...wouldn't it be nice if we all lived in our own little world and we all just communicated online with people and made "internet friends". i used to have those so called "internet friends". i talked to them for hours online, aim..yim...forums...through blogs, this one in fact....it was nice, you get to know alot about someone and you wish so bad that you could meet them but know you probably never will..and then there was that one girl i did meet once, it was nice..amazing....it seemed so unreal...but it happened. and i always wonder if we'd really get along in person like we do online...because you get to know alont about a person online that would take much longer usually to talk about in person, it just makes me wonder...i think the reason i was so open with people online is the fact that i never would have to meet them, i never would have to see them..and the only time i'd have to talk to them is if i signed on the internet...and that's all...but i knew friendships like that were unreal, that they wouldn't last...but it kept me going for the meantime...it kept my mind off feeling so alone..

i don't even know the point of what i was writing anymore. i lost my train of thought. i have so much on my mind..so many thoughts...so much to write. it always seems that way, the words i have all jumbled up in my head will never all come out exactly the way i want it too...it's just too late now..way too late...i have to go to bed now...sadly....

sometimes i do try to be nice to ppl...the ppl i really don't like. and what happens, i just end up getting mad at them and wish i hadn't tried to be nice in the first place.

like tonight for example. i've been sick all day, i went to two out of three of my classes, which i thought was pretty good..so i've been napping and watching movies all night. our hall is having a game night in the lobby but i didn't wanna go cause i don't wanna be around all the ppl and the noise right now, while i don't feel so good. so then i get an IM from tiff and she's just asking what i'm doing and stuff..and i ask her why she isn't at the game night thing and she said something happened that wasn't that big of deal cause no one seemed to notice or something like that...so while i don't really like her that much, while i don't like being around her and talking to her and hearing her talk...and EVERYTHING....and while i still don't feel well...i ask her if she wants to come over to my room and play skip-bo and she said yes. then my roommate comes down to the room to talk to tiff and ask her why she left and talked to her and everything..and the next thing i know, tiff is leaving to go back upstairs to play games with the rest of the girls.......and i still wanna play skip-bo with someone, but i don't wanna go up there to all the ppl and all the noise..not tonight....and tricia is at work and mary left for the weekend..and as bad as i felt earlier, i'm kinda sick of laying around in my bed....oh well...my head is hurting again...i will write more later i guess...

so i can't focus right on my hw right now..and i'm in the mood to write a poem, but the words aren't coming to me...so i looked through some of my old ones, one that sorta just scribbled out after getting mad at something val had said in d-group one day, based on some verse in the bible or something...and it's kinda funny...and sad that i feel a poem i wrote long ago still touches me today...i still feel the exact same way..and it makes me stop for a second and question myself..now how have i changed??

Moment in Time
by: rain_drop
April 10, 2005

you say the pain will last just for a moment
but i lay here every night lonely
sulking in my own misery
hoping, dreaming for relief, an end

you say the struggle will last just for a moment
and i hit my hand against my head every night
trying not to divulge in my self-mutilation
or thoughts of suicide, ending my life

you say the loneliness will last just for a moment
here i am, alone...by myself
not confident to hang out with people my age
but deeply hurting, dying from this loneliness

you say my life lasts just for a moment
a second, a speck of dust
i feel the pain, the loneliness, the struggle
never-ending, hurting me, killing my joy

in a moment this will all be gone
a moment i'll be gone, but then
will i have another moment to fix my life
because it seems like this moment lasts forever


and it does, it truly does...almost 2 years later and i'm still stuck in that one moment...still stuck...