i had my alive group meeting tonight. i had a mixture of emotions with that...of course it was fine at first, talking..eating...just playing around..then we got to the serious stuff.

i'm afraid. i'm scared. i really don't want to be in this anymore. when cameron started talking about the devos we're going to be doing..when she said that we'd share next week about how things went with them...it scared me. she sounded exactly like val did in my d-group in high school. i don't wanna get kicked out again and i'm afriad the whole thing that happened with val's group will happen with this one. i do wish that i could do the devos and keep up..focus, pray..love god. i know what i need to be doing. it's just more complicated than that. there are too many years of hidden pain inside of me and too much anger than just makes it all the more harder.

so i emailed her and told her some of this, i figure she knows pretty much everything else..why not? i don't need to go down this same path again. already it feels like i'm 17 again..my life is just repeating over again...only this time...i'm in a new place, new environment....i just wish it would all stop..and there are many times when i just wish that this could all be over. i'm so sick of living this life that i'm in that i just wish things could be done with, through. things are too complicated..people, relationships, emotions, feelings...and god especially...wherever he is out there....

but despite what i say, i got out my little book that has prayers in it and i read the one on anger. i know i have so much anger in me..and many times i do take it out on other people..more so at home than here now..but i do. and i take it out on myself the most and i know i need to stop. i just don't understand what causes all this anger just to build up inside of me all the time, it just doesn't seem right for someone to be that angry that they actually cause pain to themselves. it's sick and twisted and i hate it...and i'm so sick of living with it.

i just wish i could go to sleep. really sleep...i haven't got much sleep all weekend. i've been up talking to ppl...being on the internet..just having so much on my mind that this is something i should have done sooner because now it's 2 in the morning and i'm finally able to be getting some of this out. but my emotions are so scrambled in my brain that it's hard to make sense of it all..and hard to get it all out and say it the way i want to say it, because my mind is racing a million times faster than my fingers can type. i think i might collapse...soon. i've been going on far too long. i can't believe i haven't napped all day...and that i'm still up.

and than to make everything worse is this stupid babysitting job this summer that has gotten more complicated than it should. i'm the babysitter, if someone wants to hire me for the summer, i should suggest a price, there may be some negotiating, and then we agree and i do it. why can't it be as simple as this? but no, we have to talk about it behind our backs. i have to get advice to what to say to her cause i don't wanna make her mad or disappoint her, i'm not even sure i want to do it. money shouldn't be an issue, only it is, becuase i know what some babysitters get paid and i know what devon charges..and i know that i am a good babysitter. i do know that...because that is what i am told. so how do i become the one who's too expensive when they're trying to combine 2 girls in one family and one girl from another family and get one babysitter so they can save money and not have to pay two separate babysitters for the whole summer. ahh, i'm just so sick of talking about it, thinking about it. today when i read her email, i just laid back on my bed and cried because i can't take complicated situations. it's too much for me to handle. it just is, or it isn't....except it is. and i don't want them to think that i care about the money that much because i love these girls and i want to watch them. i want to be out of the house all day every day and take them to the movies and the pool...and play polly pocket and watch lizzie maguire...but i feel i have to be a little bit professional too and not just agree with what they want and are suggesting...because as much as i want to babysit for them, i don't have to...i really don't.

and another thing, my mom finally called me for the first time since i've been back on friday to talk to me..which is fine. but ever since then she's been emailing me a ton and i know i have to email her back or she'll make me feel bad. well today she told me she talked to her dad and found out her mom is losing more weight. her mom is in a nursing home, and has alzheimer’s..been in there for awhile but i guess today my grandpa told my mom that she should probably visit my grandma one more time before she dies. i guess she's close. and my mom's saying all this stuff about how if she doesn't go, she won't be able to forgiver herself and stuff. and i don't know what to say to her, it's all like..wow, i can't believe this is happening. i mean, when my dad's dad died, i didn't know him really and i was all upset i had to miss out on some church events to go to his funeral..and now my mom's mom is going to die and how will that affect me? none in the least. it's kinda sad in a way that i won't...but i mean, i haven't seen the lady in years. the last time we were up too visit was in 2002 and my mom wouldn't let me see her cause she was in the nursing home at the time...so i can't even tell you the last time i saw her. i just know it will affect my mom..and i'm kinda scared about that. i'm not good at comforting ppl or talking to them...or anything like that...blah. i don't even know what to write back to her, but i know she'll be expecting another email from me.

and that's all for now about my complicated life and emotions..maybe if i write more often than it won't all build up in me and come out in this crazy mess of banging keys and typing furiously...ahh..well maybe i can finally sleep now..maybe...another 6 hrs...that stinks...i need so much more...

my arms burn....
...the tears sting...

and that's all there is to it.
this struggle will always be a part of me...that's all there is to it...

until i learn how to trust and love god again...until i really learn how to love god again..after all i've been through.

hate fills my being..i am utterly alone...surrounded by people, but all on my own...feelings suffocate me...the tears they come...the marks on my arms...a reminder of the pain i hide inside....that will always be who i am. i can't hide it. i can't fight it. it is me. i am hurting, and i don't know what else to do...this pain is killing me...little by little....isn't it strange how i could make it through almost 4 weeks back at home, but i couldn't even make it 2 weeks back at college before it happened? i thought i loved this place....i thought i was getting better..i was deceived by the lies...the same lies that are slowly killing me...

i've bout cried like a million times today..and all of it started on the way to church..and continued throughout the whole day. i hate when i feel like this...i just hate it. there's nothing to do but hw...i'm all alone, everyone's out doing whatever and here i sit...and usually i enjoy it but for some reason knowing my friends aren't here, i can't enjoy time to myself..but when they are here, i can. i confuse myself way too much.

i was online forever last night, buying cheap movies..ordering pixs....i was on for like 5 hrs. straight and i got nothing done...really, nothing. i was just alone and bored again. this has got to be the worst first weekend back. hmm....kinda like the weekends i had back in august...

"I know that you've been hurting
So much has led up to this
Your eyes are burning
Hard times make the heart resist
All that you want is to follow your dreams
They all fall apart at the seams"

been listening to mxpx alot lately. got this free download thing for 14 days...amazing...

but not all things are good...like today, i really wanted to hurt myself...really really really bad..and then i just wanted to cry..but when i locked myself in the bathroom i couldn't do it, either...i hate that. i just wish the feelings would go away....and then later on, when i was watching peter pan, i did cry. stupid movie. but not enough to get out what i need to...not enough to release the pain that is held up within me.

and i could've went home with mary and tricia this weekend...i could have. it's not like mary didn't ask me. but i can't explain why i didn't. i just knew it wasn't the right time for me...i wish i could have though...but they'll be back tomorrow and hopefully i'll be better....hopefully.

there's so much more to write..there always is...i'm just not in the mood..i'm too...sad..lonely...too everything.

i can't do this anymore. i can't fight it..the feelings..the thoughts...the things that spark the urges to just....ahh...scream. punch myself. hurt myself. just do something. i'm such a screw up. i can't do anything right. and everyone's always mad at me. i thought things would be different here...but no, apparently i can never do the right thing...say the right thing. i don't know how to be a friend because i've never been one. growing up ppl were always mad at me. morgan and me fought all the time, but we called ourselves friends. the girls in the dgroup got mad at me all the time. brit got mad at me for the things i did to myself. val got mad at me..and kicked me out of the group. even my counselor got mad at me..i don't know if she'd call it that or not, but mad...frustrated..it's all the same thing. and now i just push ppl far away again..and put up those walls again...because i can't do this. i can't be open and honest with people just to have them do this to me. it hurts too much. it hurts to bad...it makes me think things i don't wanna thing and feel like doing things that i'm supposed to be staying away from. and what really stinks is the fact that the person i'd call when i'm in my mood like this is the very person that got all mad at me in the first place. i found this on someone's page one time...

"Sometimes you put walls up NOT to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

and i thought it was true..but then really thinking about it..i dunno. i think i just love keeping ppl out though. it's much safer that way. it's what i know. from experience letting ppl in has always been a let down and always will be. i get to angry and frustrated and i take it out on myself too much. but i'm sick of this. i'm tired of being alone when i'm fighting this horrible fight. i'm tired of living though it. i'm just tired.

i just wish i could scream and cry myself to sleep right now..but i'm scared. i'm scared someone will come in and see me. i don't want to talk to anyone now. i don't want to be around anyone...but it's not safe here...unless i went in the bathroom..that's the only place i found comfort and safety so far...but i don't wanna lock myself in there tonight...cause i'm scared. i think i'm more scared of myself and what i'm capable of doing in this state i'm in. so it's better not to cry...and stay where anyone could interupt me at any given moment.

what gets to me the most is the fact that i can't just kill myself to get it all over...no matter how much i keep thinking that i wish i could, i can't. i really don't want to. yet i can't stop wallowing in those thoughts of selfishness and suicide. i hate this. and i hate feeling like this. i hate it all..i wish it would just stop. i wish i could just be completly healed better...i just hate who i am and how i seem to have an inabliltiy to change...no matter how hard i try...for now, my walls remain...i will remain in my self pity and depression...yes. because that's who i am and that's all i'll ever be.

so i'm back at school and that's nice...but i had a terrible morning..and a terrible day yesterday..and the day before. being stuck at home was stinky..but i didn't feel like going out and doing stuff with ppl anymore. it got tiring so i laid around and watched gilmore girls..and napped...and got into many many fights with the family...oh well. i'm back here and away from all that once again...

i'm very tired right now, it's been an exhausting day..so many ppl to talk to...ahh but isn't that what i used to love??? hmm...

so this week so far, has been alot more fun and alot less babysitting...kinda...i mean i've still been hanging around kids but not really babysitting much...and it all started with spending the new year with michelle and her kids..and then the other ppl who came over...like cali and baby rylie...

tuesday i went over devon's house and we headed to chuck e cheese..her two kids taylor and carson went with and the two kids she babysits went with...and then one of her other friends from church and her kids came too. it was alot of fun. and after that i just hung out at her house for awhile.

then when i came home, i called michelle cause she had told me i could come spend the night at her house so she told me to come by at 9:30 if that wasn't too late. so i took a little nap and then called cameron back, cause she had called..and we talked until i had to leave for michelle's. i got to michelle's and her kids were in bed sleeping already, her husband was getting ready to go to work....around 11:30 blake wakes up and so michelle has to rock him back to sleep...so i got on the net for awhile...then when blake is finally asleep again michelle and i just sat around til 2 in the morning talking..and it was nice, kinda like old times..she was telling me about certain decisions she's having to make and things that are going on and i dunno..it made me feel good, like she's really a friend because she's telling me all this...and i get to say what i think about it too..and she listens to me. ahh..how i only wish it wasn't so late and that moments like that could last...much better than being at home..anyways we go to bed and only get 5 hrs. of sleep cause riley has school the next day....after we drop riley off, she had to take her dog to the vet...then bring the dog home, pick riley back up from school and then we went to take riley to his horse therapy place...and it was really interesting to watch. but blake was starting to get tired and kept whining because he didn't get enough sleep the night before....after that we went to wendy's...and so i had a vanilla frosty for lunch cause i hate the food they have there...and ummm...then we went to a few stories to look for a barn for blake...oh yah, we went to toys r us..that was lots of fun...great store...and then back to michelle's. i had to leave cause i was supposed to babysit that night for jennifer.

i headed over to jennifer's and amanda was being bad again...she's been this way for awhile now...so her mom left and she starting screaming and crying about how she wanted her mommy back....how she wanted her mommy to give her a bath, read her books, brush her teeth, put her to bed...but once i gave jacob a bath and got her in...all of the sudden it seemed like she just started being all nice to me again...i think it was the silly songs i started singing..and she had some silly ones she was teaching me as well..but it made the rest of the night easier with her being good and nice to me again...like she used to. i got jacob to sleep and then got her in bed right before the parents came home. jennifer was relieved that amanda was good for me because of how she acted last time...so anyways it was a long fun day for me...then i had to come back home.

today i went to preschool and had fun..then came home and ate lunch while watching gilmore girls and fell asleep on the couch. i slept for hours too..which is pretty funny since i got like 8 hrs. of sleep last night..and my mom was taking christmas decorations down and moving all around the living room while i was sleeping. i think i slept for like 3 hrs. straight...or maybe more...i dunno how i'll sleep tonight....i won't.

then when i finally got up and ate dinner, my mom and i went for a walk with a lady down the street..actually she is the mom of the girl lora that is getting married in march. she's gonna to be the first one of my friends to get married..haha...but we're not really close friends or anything...just friends from childhood..ahh brings back so many memories..i've been thinking about that alot lately.

anyways being busy has kept me from thinking of other things...things i shouldn't think about..and things i should think about...things i shouldn't do..and things i should...but i figure, while things are good..why go there? it will all come crashing down soon enough...why make it sooner than it has to be...?

it's a new year...a new me..a new chance at life...blah blah blah...

i'm sick of hearing that junk. so it's a new year now...big deal..now you just have to remember to write 2007 instead of 2006...

new year's resolutions? um no. dumb idea. if you wanna make a change or something like that...then do it. i tried last year. the one resolution i did make...the one i wrote down and promised myself i would keep....i almost did...it's not like others who break em in the first few months..mine lasted 11 months.....it was thanksgiving before i broke down and hurt myself..yup..i almost made it through last year..now this year? i really don't care enough to make that same commitment...it was too hard..what happens..happens..and that's the way things are going to go.

but hey, when i get back to school, things won't seem so bad..things will get better again..and so will my attitude...

so get over it for now..and accept this for who i am now....if writing like this makes me feel better...if this is a chance to just get some of my anger out...then so be it.....

on the other hand, i did have a good night last night...i was babysitting over michelle's and i only had to watch her two boys, riley and blake and another two girls, cali and baby rylie....now cali is my sister's age so she just kinda hung out with me..i can tell she totally looks up to me..sometimes it can be really annoying..but i played phase 10 with her and we had some fun..and baby rylie, well, she's a baby and though i'm not too fond of babies i always thought she was kinda cute...ok, really cute...but it's been months since i've seen her and since then she's learned how to walk....and scream her lungs out..yup...it was late and she was getting tired...

anyways at 11:30 i was pretty much done babysitting and the kids came upstairs with their families and we celebrated the great new year together.....and then everyone slowly left...and that was the night...i got online for awhile on michelle's internet...and then slept on the couch..it was 2 in the morning...the past few nights i've had trouble sleeping and it took me awhile to get to sleep..and i think i woke up around 8..i couldn't get back to sleep but i didn't get up til like 10...and got on the net again...the boys slept a good long time...and that was pretty much it..i hung around for awhile longer and then, reluctantly i had to return home..but my family was going over to my cousin's house..and i decided to skip out..so there they are, and here i am...all alone in the house..the way i like it...i had enough "people time" lately..i don't need any "family time"...

and so that's all for now...

-GOD-

i am so sorry for my thoughts again last night..although i controlled myself enough not to let my thoughts overtake me to the point of physically hurting myself, i realize that every time i allow myself to dwell on these things and imagine what it'd be like to be dead...gone...out of this place, it hurts me emotionally. it makes me long for something that i can't have...something that is completely wrong and against your will. i know that yet somehow i let my mind wander and follow down that path of empty fulfillment and temporary satisfaction...in these times i need you more than ever yet i keep as far from you as i can. i shove thoughts of you far from my mind and throw my newly bought devo books far across the room. i don't understand the struggle or the reasons for what's happening to me. i mean, the first time i could sort of see what was happening, when things got better. but sometimes i feel as if now, things are worse than ever, especially while i'm back at home. i know by indulging in these thoughts i have that i'm only disappointing you more and more. i try to gain control of my thoughts, my actions..but that slips right through my fingers. it's almost as if i can't make it anymore. and that's the lie that i'm starting to believe. it's that whole head/heart thing. in my head i'm starting to believe all the lies...that my heart knows are wrong. or at least, i think they do. i just need control over my life again, over this temptation that has reentered my life...i'm not sure it ever even left...it seeks to control my life and i need your help to fight against this. YOU-the one i keep telling i hate every time something bad happens...i need to say i'm sorry for the millionth time...and i need to believe that you will forgive me..and that i can make it though this darkness once again..and come out stronger...in the end...but only with your help...

♥ rain_drop

"Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help."
~tuesdays with morrie by mitch albom~

it finally happened...
the hurt came once again...
this time followed by tears..
many tears..much hurt...
and much desire to hurt myself..
i'm relieved i was finally able to cry...
but there's nobody to talk to..i've tried...
i think i'm ok..for now...this time around...
i can fight it, i'm strong enough...
i don't think i'll be sleeping for awhile now..
though my eyes are tired and weary...
my mind is overflowing with thoughts....
*sigh*
i don't see why things have to be this way...i'm just ready to get back to school now..it'd be different if i really have friends here..but i don't...i thought i did...but i don't...i don't know what i'd call em...but their not friends friends..if ya know what i mean...just ppl i hang out with..them and their kids...

so i had a pretty good day..until about an hr or so ago..things were fine..ok...whatever...i went shopping with my mom..which i hate...and i went out to eat with her too..which i hate..but it was taco bell...and i like taco bell..and then i hit up the christian bookstore again...i was pretty excited about the new clothes my mom bought for me..and the new books i got at the christian bookstore....and i've been babysitting every day since tues...and i will be tomorrow night and sunday night too...but then...BAAMMM..it hit me..and here i am...
tired...sad...lonely...
crying in the dark..
with my laptop on...
just passing the time away....
where i can hear the sounds of my cousin and sister...
both sleeping peacefully right across from me....
how much i wish to be their age again...
young...carefree..and free from the bounds and chains that my past has on me..keeping me captive...here...until the day when i just give it all up..and my body is found...
lying on the bathroom floor...lifeless...
or not.
it's just words...nothing will happen
i hope...
nothing will happen..i promise i'll be fine.

better luck tomorrow
with my over emotional self.

♥ rain_drop

i remember ciy...two summers ago..we are listening to that song..of course i'm not singing..just standing there with my arms folded...not really caring whether i'm there or not..just a chance to get away from home for a week...and maybe, possibly..get back into this god thing again. val is singing right beside me..this part comes up and she sings in my ear...here is our god who comes to bring you back to him...i can't take it anymore, it's too much..the tears well up in my eyes...but i dare not let them fall. i will not break. this wall i put up..against everyone will not break down...my stubbornness had a griping effect on me..my hard heart had grown so cold...yet the tears...in my eyes..i was breaking...

now every time i hear that song, i think back to that moment...the words..the song...val...god wants to bring me back to him? why??? that's all i could think then..what if i don't wanna..what if i wanna stay stuck where i am..but i didn't...two years ago this happened and i'd like to say i came a far way since then..val sent me an email a few months ago saying how she's seen me change...when ppl point things like this out to me, i can look back and say, oh yah...i can see that..i guess your right...but then i play this song..and i think...i am sooo far from where i need to be...so far away from god...anyways..here's a little of what val wrote me...

************

my kiddos are growing up so fast...beau is on his way to reading, we all sound silly sounding everything out phonetically trying to help him with letter sounds. anyway, this all makes me a little sentimental....and that just makes me praise God for a lot of things....your life for one! [rain_drop], can you believe how this year has already changed and matured you? i am still so proud of you for going to school. you have done it! and whether you realize it or not-with that very leap of faith, God has grown you in so many ways. Go God and go [rain_drop]! anyway, i'm gonna try to sleep....i just wanted to tell you that i've noticed! i've noticed how your life is moving forward, and all the new friends your making, all the new things you're learning, how you're not afraid, how you have toughened up, how your attitude is more positive, how with a little faith God has grown you. don't stop here [rain_drop]! God has WAY more in store for ya! when you come upon a time in the future when you're scared to move on....know that God has done amazing things in your life.


************

i'd like to think if i changed so much...like ppl seem to think i have..then i wouldn't still be writing things like this..i wouldn't still have this deep ache in my heart..this pain..i'd like to think that i'd be happier..that things would be better..yet my poems still come out like this...

Shallow World

shouting out in a world of pain
no one to hear…all alone
years of brokenness
try to numb the pain
scratching…choking
wanting to die
memories forever engraved
cut deep into the mind
replaying over and over
hope is lost, darkness collides
soul bleeds…blood red
covers myself, drowning in hurt
suffocating, one last breath
rescue me from this shallow world
…forever alone…


i can't seem to shake the bad habits..while some things have gotten better, others have gotten worse...i'd like to think that i've changed in that i don't wanna die now..that i wanna live..sometimes i'm still not so sure about that either...i'm soo confused....i haven't talked to val yet since i've been back..i always used to talk to her..she was th one i'd call lots of times when i was in the position where i felt like i was going to hurt myself...i haven't even told her what's happened with that recently...i haven't spent time with her kids...i saw them last week...they're getting so big...i miss that..and miss her..but she leads a busy life now and it just makes me a little sad that i don't talk to her as much anymore...i guess i got my new friends now huh? too bad they're not here with me now...this christmas break thing seems forever long..

oh yah..and merry christmas aeonity...hope everyone has a good one...at least you can hope for that!

so fri. night things were rough for me again..and i don't really know why..or how it started...i was just in my room..and before i knew it....i got the phone and called cameron and she talked to me for a little bit but she had to go...she told me that she'd get jeannette to call me...but she also told me that i should write a prayer out or something...so i got on the net and..well, there's my last entry..and then while i was doing that jeannette got online which was strange cause i know she doesn't have internet at home, but she was over a friend's house....and she started IMing me..it was kinda weird..cause i know cameron talked to her but she acted like she didn't know what was going on..then awhile later she told me that cameron said to call her back..so i got offline and called her back..jeannette had filled her in on what we talked about....and...well she just kept talking about god and relying on him...she gave me some verses to read while things are hard...she talked about how her and jeannette can be there to try to help me, but i need to rely on god and trust that he can help me through things...something i haven't done...haven't done in a long time...

turns out, things were fine that night. i calmed down...and fell asleep. sat. i had no babysitting at all that day..so i slept in late..went to the library with my sister, got a few movies and books...and then i just decided that i needed to go to the christian bookstore and get a devo or just something to read...cause something is better than nothing...so i took my sister with me once again since my parents were out shopping and my brother and sister can't be left home alone cause they'll fight..and i found a bunch of books on clearance and two small books that looked really good and were cheap. i also found something for jennifer and michelle...so i decided to go ahead and get them something. i also found this cool rap cd that i absolutely love..i should've known that i can't walk into the christian bookstore and NOT come out with a cd..oh well, it was cheap too, with the coupon i used.

and then sat. night cameron calls me....just to check out how things were going this day..and they were good. she told me she couldn't believe how much i changed in one day..but all that god talk from her the day before made me realize that i need to try to talk to god again..try to trust him and all that...it's better than not trying at all...but then again...i can have really good days and then horrible days the next...i'm so dreading christmas day...because sat. i wasn't home much and when i was..i was alone in my room...or the rest of the fam was somewhere else. anyways cameron said jeannette would call me tonight and she would call me christmas day...i've been thinking, and to me it seems like a bit much, but then i dunno..if i know they're going to call, then i am more likely to not get in trouble and stuff..because i'd hate to tell them that...and it's hard for me to lie about things to ppl..especially ppl i wanna have as my friends. i just wish i could talk to mary..but she had her tonsils out...maybe soon...

and today at church i sat with devon and michelle...michelle gave me a hug when i came in, which is kinda unusual for her...devon and i tried to talk susan into letting us both work in the same room second service but we were in separate rooms...i don't usually work second service, but she needed me there this time..and i ended up being in the green room, 4 year olds...amanda was there and was excited to see me...riley was there too, but he wasn't staying and when michelle came to pick him up, she gave me another hug..said she was in a hug giving mood..it was kinda funny...i don't know when i'll go see her this week since i'm babysitting a bunch again...when i was talking to susan about how much i've been babysitting..she told me i need to learn how to say no...i told her no, i make good money doing it and i get to have fun..not only that but when i'm babysitting i'm NOT AT HOME. and that's always a good thing.

i also took my first long nap since i've been back home today..i slept 3 hrs. right after church, cause again i didn't have any babysitting today..this is SOOO boring..not babysitting. oh well, one more day of that and i'll be back to it....

i skipped the christmas eve service at church tonight...my mom said she was going to get my dad, brother, and sister to go with her..so i thought it'd be nice....and i'd get the house to myself for awhile..but turns out one of my mom's friends came over...so my mom went with her and my sister...and now i'm here at home with my dad and brother...ewww...but i hate christmas musik anyways..and i already put up with that this morning...anyways i'm watching anne of avonlea now and tricia seems to be talking to me on aim..so i'll stop for now......laters~

dear god
it's me again down here
don't wanna sound insincere
i'm lost
sometimes you're so unclear
what can I do?
i'm feeling so far from you
frustrated
irritated
disconnected from it all
the weight of the world
has pushed me to the wall
~krystal meyers~

dear god,
how i hate what you make me go through every day at home...when i'm not here i'm fine..but it seems like every second i am here....it's horrible..awful...stressful..and painful. i just wanna cry. get it out. hurt me..hurt me deep enough just to cry so i don't have to hurt myself...i don't understand anymore..why can't i just let it all go? why did this struggle seem to end and now it's just beginning all over again..it just makes me wanna hate you for this. it makes me hate myself for thinking this way..for the things i imagine myself doing...i don't understand anymore what ur plan for me is. i thought i was done with this chapter in my life..but back here, at home...everywhere i turn i am hit by another "memory" another painful memory....or every song i listen to seems to have some sort of memory attached to it..so why can't i just leave the house and go somewhere and shut the stupid musik off. what good is it doing me. what good is sitting here in my room dwelling on my pain and myself doing me? nothing. i'm just hurting now more than ever. i just wanna hurt myself more than ever. choke myself. die. something....i say that, but do i really mean it? it's frustrating and i just wish the tears would start falling because i am sick of hearing the lies that the only way i'll be able to cry is if i hurt myself..the only way to relieve the internal pain is external pain...noooooo....it's not true..or i wish it wasn't true...ieverything is so confusing now...it's hard to know what i truly believe and what i tell myself to believe. i tell myself ur real..i tell myself i believe in you..you are the answer...you are the way..yet in the midst of my pain..in the deepest darkest moments i rely on someone other than you to try to help me through. and the only reason i would be writing right now to you is because she pointed me in this direction. i need an escape..badly...but at the same time i just wanna be alone...by myself. i want my mom to leave me alone right now..i know i told her i'd watch gilmore girls with her..but right now i just wanna be alone to cry. but i can't..and i think another problem with that is that ppl in my house won't leave me alone. i can't trust them to leave me alone long enough so that i can cry. my mom unlocked my door a couple min. ago because i wouldn't answer. i hate her for doing that. i just wish i could have privacy..my sister unlocked the door earlier..does the lock mean nothing??? i'd hate more than anything if they were to walk in while i was in the midst of crying..or hurting myself..or both....which is another reason why i can't i guess...well, until later..when all is quiet..and everyone is asleep....it's hard living back at home..it's hard to focus on you with everything going around me. i was babysitting amanda and jacob today and they were going over their aunt's for dinner...jennifer asked me if i wanted to go with too..but i was supposed to babysit twin boys tonight...the lady told me to call her when i got home..so i did..i left a message..and she never called me back. and i hated that too..i think that just made things worse..cause i could've went with jennifer and been out of the house longer...but i didn't..and i didn't babysit..and i had to talk to my dad tonight. last night i didn't get home til half an hr before he had to leave for work...and that was awesome...but tonight he gets to talking to me about all these ipods and cameras and stuff in the ads..but it doesn't matter cause i'm not getting any of those. i already know that..so why do i wanna talk about something i'm not going to get...how stupid is that? i just wanted to yell at him to shut-up again..i've been doing that alot lately..but i didn't. not this time....sometimes i feel like nothing is different here at home..not even me. while college might have changed me some..i come back and fall into the same bad habits i used to...i'm even starting to hate you too again god. cause i don't talk to you...i don't see you working in my life..i don't see how your helping my family..i just feel like you've up and left me again...to deal with all this junk again..this junk that i thought i was done dealing with. i'm so angry...i hate myself for what i have to go through. i hate thinking what i do..i hate what i do..and i hate that i'm so far away from the friends i've made in college...i just wish so badly that i could feel your love again..that i could follow you...that i could just love you again...it's been so long...and it's been too long..and it seems like for some reason...no matter how hard i try...it just is not going to happen while i'm still like i am...hate hate hate.....that's how i feel about that. ok..so just writing all this stupid stuff out has made me feel better though..i don't know why i didn't think of that. just help keep me strong and fight this..that's all i really ask...for now, that is all i need...strength....
~rain_drop

sometimes i am so confused as to why it hits when it does..and why sometimes the urge is soo much stronger than at other times....last night was one of those times...and it was while i was in the middle of a conversation with mary...i truly believe if i wasn't talking to her..i probably wouldn't have picked up the phone to call someone else, cause it was really late...and i probably would have just hurt myself to stop the deep ache in my heart...i just wanted to cry...i ended up not hurting myself..and not crying either....i wonder why at times i can just cry and cry and cry...and not be able to stop it..yet at the times i want to....i got nothing....nothing but a deep pain in my heart....but nothing to relieve the pain...

and this morning i woke up and realized something..it may or may not have been a contributing factor in the way i was feeling last night..but i realized that yesterday morning when i was called at last min. to babysit...i woke up and was out the door in 10 min....and i forgot to take my anti-depressants...this isn't the first time i've gone without em though...i forgot a couple other times..and i don't know that i noticed something before or not...and i know i have these "attacks" or "urges" or whatever else i may call it...i know i'm having em more often than i used to...whether i've taken my meds or not..but it just made me wonder if it really does have some kinda effect on me...cause i used to really believe they were helping me..and i'm wondering if they still are or not....but yesterday, i forgot to take em..and last night..i was a mess...

but everyone was fighting yesterday..there was screaming....fighting...doors slamming...mom crying..the works....and i was gone most of the day babysitting yet i got to witness a big chuck of it while i was home..and what i missed my mom made sure to fill me in on while we went for a walk last night....i just wanted to scream at her to shut-up..i think i've had enough of her already...it was nice talking to her while it lasted...but i'm ready to just get away and go back to college already....at least i'm making money babysitting now and i don't have to be here as much.

my mom brought my sister to the house i was babysitting at today and she played with autumn, alexis, marlee, and the cat...it was one crazy day..jennifer, amanda, and jacob brought over some cookies for us that they baked the day before...we watched a ton of episodes of lizzie maguire..my favorite part of the day..and they sat and watched the animal channel for hours....well, that's their choice....yesterday we were making videos and singing and dancing..today they just sat around watching tv...but it's ok with their mom...sooo....

tomorrow i'll be going over to michelle's and watching some boys for a change...riley and blake..i know that will be a day filled with playing rescue heroes and toy trucks...oh don't forget blake's tools either! gotta fix everything in the house...i just wanna go over there now. i don't wanna be at home...for another night..here...either there's a lot of fighting..or it's really boring..not much to do cept watch my tv...on dvds....i don't know what i'm going to do when i finish with them.

maybe tonight i'll be able to just stay in my room with the door locked and cry...maybe my mom and sister will go somewhere or be busy doing something and not interrupt me by needing to come in and get something...maybe i'll be able to get it all out...what i've been needing to get ouf for days..and maybe without hurting myself...at least that's my goal anyways...i think...sometimes i wonder if i even care or not..after thanksgiving..i don't know..it seems like it doesn't matter as much to me if i do it or not..sure i feel bad..but really..after that? do i really care...?


but of course i do...cause i have to be there for the little ones..the kids that just love me so much...they look up to me...and i just think, if only they knew....if only...when i was babysitting amanda on monday night she was being really bad...jennifer said she'd just been horrible all day..and she wasn't being any better for me....she did listen to me when i sent her to her room one time..but then just out of nowhere it seemed she came up to me and sat on my lap and asked if i was sad...and when i asked her why she thought i was sad she said you just look sad...and then she asked me if i was sad because i'd have to go back to college and not see her again...so i had to tell her yes...but that i wouldn't be going back for a while...but then she just sat in my lap for a while telling me how much she missed me...how she didn't want me to go back...just hearing her say things like that breaks my heart..it does make me sad..but in a different way...the only thing i looked forward to coming home is seeing my kids again...cause i do miss them...and they just love me so much..and i don't know why...

i have to go get in trouble or something now...cause i'm back home...let the fun night begin...

so i've been home since wed. and so far things are ok i guess...i mean i'm home alot so far...and i just exist here...i watch tv, get on my laptop...on the net...and here i am..just here...

the fri. before i left i talked to cameron and jeannette again and i told em what happened over thanksgiving break...i told em what happened the week after that...i talked with them and told em the fears i had coming home....how i was scared of myself..just everything pretty much...i just might end up back in conseling now after that..i mean, i can't keep hurting myself..and that incident with the straightener really scared me..yes, i burned my legs with my straightener..how stupid can i get? i told them how i was scared that the next time i would just get out a razor or something..how next time i just might make myself bleed. i remember when i first started scratching myself, i promised myself that i wouldn't use a razor...that i wouldn't be a "cutter"...that i wouldn't bleed...that what i was doing wasn't bad at all...but it soon got out of control and i realized my addiction to this disease...but never ever would i bleed....and so far, i haven't...but i burned myself a couple weeks ago....left scars on my legs that are finally now, just starting to fade away...so what's stopping me from bleeding next time..and who's stopping me now??

well after that, they both made sure i had their phone numbers and told me to call anytime over the break...see, this is just what i needed before, ppl to talk to..i'm not saying it'll stop me..i make my own decisions..but having ppl know, it makes me feel bad if i do this...but before i felt kinda stuck, cause i really didn't know ppl from school all that well..and then the friends from home, i really don't talk to that much anymore like i use to...but not only that, i've been talking to mary a whole lot more now..and i told her before i left too...so now i have her to call to..and plus she gets on the internet and talks to me too...

so with all these ppl to hold me accountable t this...i shouldn't do it right..yet now more than ever i wish i could do it and not feel bad..that i could do it and not tell anyone...because all i want to do now is cry..but i've been trying for days and i can't just lay here and cry....even my musik isn't enough at this moment..why wait and hold it all in..and then explode? why can't i just cry now...why does it take hurting myself to make myself cry sometimes..not all the time...but sometimes...why does it take self-inflicted pain for me to express the deep ache in my heart? sometimes i just really don't understand myself and my emotions...actually, alot of times i don't understand...

now tomorrow is church...very early in the monring...so while i feel like i haven't written here enough lately..and while expressing myself this way feels real good right now...i should stop so i can get some sleep tonight..that is if i can go to sleep...i just really wish i was back at college now..with my friends....as much as i love the kids here and want to spend time with them..this being back home is not working out for me..not at all...why can't i just cry now and get it out before it gets worse???

**i actually put this on my xanga the other day*** :/

Myriad Memories

in the dark depths, in the silence
i sit here...watching...waiting
engulfed in memories, haunted by the past
broken-hearted, shattered dreams
long, lost, lonely...solitude
here i wait, here You left me
alone, abandoned, lost hope
moments pass and tears they fall
pain wells up inside...consuming me
strangling me, i try to breathe
distant memories swirl in my head
i fall, spiraling, down into the dark
obsolete...nothingness of life
held on far too long, grip's wearing thin
indulging in my pain
my struggle...this fight to live
view on reality, on life...forever tainted
i crumble...too weak...i lay there
pull the covers around me
bury my head under my pillow
hiding the shame...and letting out the pain
seconds pass...then minutes...hours
lost track of time...engulfed and strangled
by this sickness i try so well to hide
until Death walks in and finds me here...

i've been blogging on xanga lately...

which explains my lack of updates here...

but i'm back at college, thanksgiving break is over..i've been here 4 days now...and still haven't "talked" to anyone about what happened at the end of break.

sat. night i gave in...and hurt myself...i was just sick of crying in my bed...sick of being home...and thought it really didn't matter if i did it anymore..cause it's not like anyone asks me about it anymore...i don't really have to tell anyone either...at least that's what i was thinking when i dug my nails into my skin...when i scratched my arms...my legs....when i went into the bathroom and found a nail file to use to scratch them even more....i'm so horrible...

i hadn't done it all year either..it was something i promised myself i wouldn't do this year...it was something i hadn't done in over a year too...i made it so far...and then...

sunday night...it really didn't matter to me anymore..i already gave in, so what was one more time..my last night in my house before heading back to college...i didn't want to leave my room this time...so when my nails didn't satisfy, i found my keys and used those...two days ago i still had slight marks on one of my arms, it was either from the keys or the nail file..i dunno...i just know i would always go to sleep and wake up and the scars would be gone..this time they remained…much longer than they used to…i know this is probably the worst i've ever done before...but still no blood...as long as i'm not bleeding i'm fine...right?

after that happened on sunday night i went for a drive....i wanted this to stop...so while i was driving listening to my musik...tears streaming down my face...i was still digging my nails into my skin...why couldn't i stop??? it was awful..i drove around for an hr. and 15 min...and finally after that i had calmed down...and had a huge headache...and finally felt like i could return home...and sleep...

and now, i'm stuck here...feeling more guilty than ever...mary and tricia know something happened cause i wrote some stuff on my xanga...just not all...mary was trying to get me to talk the other day..why can't i just do it? talk to her. holding all this inside is too much for me....i'm about to burst...which is why i turned here..to this place....where all my secrets lie....but this place can't help me at all...

two days ago i decided to punish myself for what i did....i found some nail clippers and cut off my fingernails...as much as i could...the way my dad used to do it when i was a little kid and i screamed cause he'd cut them way too short...every time i push on the tips of my fingers...where the skin is tender, it hurts..and is a reminder to the mistakes i have made...every time i type...a few more days and the pain will subside...but i'll still be here...with this guilt weighing me down...

i go home two weeks from tomorrow for thanksgiving break...i'm already worried about it..or at least i was until yesterday when jen emailed me asking if i could babysit for her towards the end of the week...so i have something to do on that friday..but that's a loooong way away...i just don't wanna be back at home with my family..college has got to be the best thing ever for me...getting away from the house, the family....i just don't wanna go back to that...don't wanna have to deal with that...don't wanna face it....hopefully i'll find stuff to do, places to be....get to see all my kids...

i'm so tired...my bedtime for the past week or so has been at least 2...last night i fell asleep around 3:30 cause i took a 4 hr. nap earlier...today i won't have a chance to nap.

i got my krystal meyers "dying for a heart" cd yesterday in the mail...i love ordering stuff online and then having packages to pick up...everyone back home keeps telling me they're working on a package to send me..or they will..or something..and i've only got one..and that was from someone i would not have thought would send me one.

i've been tryin to call michelle for awhile now, i don't remember the last time i talked to her...she called on sat. and left a message for me..i was out seeing the greatest movie ever "cars"...but i was so disappointed that i missed her call..and i keep trying to call her back, but she's never home....and that's just really starting to upset me...i mean i have my friends her and everything...i can hang out with em, talk to them....have sleepovers..whatever...i have the best weekends here too...but i still wanna talk to my friends back home. i talked to jennifer recently but not for long cause she's busy too....while i don't wanna go home..to be at my house...i wanna go back to see my friends..and just talk with em like i used to...

so i wrote the last entry..and that was last sat...that night tricia comes down to our room, actually she came down at 2 in the morning..she knew i was still awake cause she saw me online on AIM and well, then she got both adrian and i laughing and laughing...and she decided she'd have a sleepover..adrian and i both in our bunks and her on the floor...she made the night quite fun and interesting and we didn't go to bed until 4 in the morning. we had to get up at 9 am for church and tricia drove that sunday..after church we picked up two $5 pizza's from little caesars and went to the park to eat it..since the weather was beatiful..it was fun..except...well, i have to say this cause it bugged me. i hate eating out and stuff....i have my reasons..and i don't like the cafeteria food here so apparently these ppl don't see me eat all that much...but i love pizza and i was like on my fourth piece maybe when tricia just looked at me and said "i've never seen you eat this much before" and then tiffany, the other girl who came with adrian and i said "i was just abou to say the same thing"...idk why it bugged me that much..but this is further reason why i don't like to eat in front of ppl..either they make comments about how i'm too picky or i don't eat enough...or they talk about how much i'm eating...well, they were eating like the same amount..the pieces were small and it's not often you get good food like that..well, moving on...

that night since tricia's roomie was still gone, i slept over in tricia's room. we were both exhausted and i put in anne of green gables and i think tricia fell asleep around midnight..and i didn't fall asleep until awhile after that...i didn't sleep all that well that night...but in the morning we went to brunch...it was probably the best weekend i've had since i got here...which was good..really good.

tuesday i was at the library working and my uncle and 3 cousins stopped in to say hey..it was kinda funny since they live 45 min. away from back home...but they were passing through cause my older cousin who's a senior this year was going to look at a certain college and my skool was on the way..so that was kinda fun. it was too bad i was working or i would've shown her my dorm room...and all that fun stuff.

so the rest of the week i stayed up really late and took naps in the day..it was pretty bad..like wednesday night i napped for 5 hrs. during the day...and then i stayed up til 4 in the morning....and had to get upat 7:30...this was the pattern pretty much for the whole week..

friday night was the harvest party...i didn't really know about it til earlier in the week..adrian and another girl in the hall got together and made fairy costumes for it...so the harvest party was in the whole dorm on every hall and they were running the game for the little kids and handing out candy..so something i would have love to have done...the only problem was every since i was old enough to run the harvest party at our church except for the years when our church didn't have one..but last year was the first year in a couple years that they had the harvest party and it was soo much fun. this year, at college, with a harvest party here...i went down there, saw the little kids, it brought back all the memories of all the kids i love and miss...all the kids i missed seeing dress up for the harvest party back home..and well, it was more than i could handle...so far babysitting for kids here has gone ok...but this time i just couldn’t look at those little kids without tearing up...so i went back to my room and laid on my bed listening to musik for like an hr. i would've cried..it would've helped me just get over it...cept i couldn't..cause adrian kept coming in and out of the room to get stuff..and i'm weird about being around ppl and crying. i should've locked myself in the bathroom again..that would've worked...but i didn't even think about that til later...so i was really missing not being able to see the kids at my church and go to that harvest party...anyways it made me think of this quote...

"turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, 'all right, it's just fear, I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is.'" - tuesdays with morrie by mitch albom

if only i could've done that..i would have felt alot better the rest of the night. i tried going to bed around 1, the earliest that week, but didn't fall asleep til after 2...but i got to sleep in til 11..that's when tricia woke me up by knocking on my door and then trying to open it..but we locked our door..hehe..anyways we were going to brunch at 11:30..but she wanted to go earlier...so we went to brunch and then back to her room to watch full house until she had to go to work...then i actually worked on some hw for awhile...tonight after a walmart trip with tricia..then andrea and i watched anne of green gables cause she loves that movie too...so it was good to spend some time with her...but i don't know bout the whole accountability partners cause we haven't met since that one time to "talk" but i guess it's good to spend some time with her first...and get comfortable with talking to her...i have noticed this past week how much i need someone to talk to though..i really miss my friends back home and wish i could just talk to them whenever i want but the distance kinda makes it a problem...

oh well, i kinda need to go now, tricia's roomie is gone again for this weekend so she came down for another sleepover..it's funny though, cause i'm on my bed typing, tricia is on her laptop IMing someone(she was IMing me earlier and it was hilarious) and adrian's on her bed eating some chips..she's the only one really paying attention to the full house episodes we're watching...anyways it'll probably be a long night..good thing the clocks change back an hr...so that we can stay up an extra hour..haha...later~

so i've just been so busy..doing nothing..that i haven't had the chance to write about my amazing weekend....last weekend...maybe i was hoping i'd have the chance to tell someone all about it before i actually wrote about it, i mean i've been wanting to tell someone all about it..all week long..but i haven't really had the chance..or felt like anyone really wanted to listen to me...maybe i should've just said something to someone..instead of just hoping they ask me about it...but anyways...

sat. i woke up early so i went to target cause i needed some long sleeve shirts to wear under my t-shirts...cause i didn't have any..so i bought some shirts..then i went over to jennifer's to babysit amanda and jacob. i was babysitting from 2-7 and then after that i just hung around with them and jennifer until about 9:30...i got home...and gosh, just walking in the door..i absolutely hated it, so i tried calling morgan cause i knew she was home for the weekend. turns out she was just hangin out at home and adrian was over there..she said i could come over too..i thought maybe adrian would mind, i'm still not sure if she was mad or not..but i went over there. and because adrian had to get up early that morning to run a race..or walk the race, something like that..she was really tired and left a little after i got there. morgan and i hung around and talked until almost midnight when i decided to head home. i went straight to bed. i probably would've tried to spend more time with my sister that day, except when i got home from target that morning, she was in the bathroom throwing up. so she was sick all weekend.

sunday i went to church, and absolutely loved it. i wore my bright orange teacher ed t-shirt that i got from here and that was funny. i was in my classroom again..with all my kids..and it was so much fun. riley and brayden were really excited to see me.

after church, michelle wanted to hang out but they were so busy that day so i went to riley's last t-ball game with them. it was so cute, all those little kids trying to play t-ball...and some of them actually knew what they were doing. but i never really got a chance to talk to michelle like i would've liked to cause she was paying attention to riley and the game..and her husband was there too...and blake was kinda grumpy cause he didn't get enough sleep..i really miss the old days when i'd stay over michelle's late into the night when her husband worked, and her kids were in bed, and we'd just talk and watch tv together, or clean her house..yes, i put dishes away around midnight one time when i was over there...

so after the t-ball game i went home which i really didn't want to do..so i'm on my laptop, but no one from college was on IM to talk to...so i just got off..and then...devon calls me. she needed a babysitter while her and her husband went to their volleyball game. her mom usually watches her kids, but she was out of town and her sister was busy too..so she asked if i was busy that night...i told her i'd love to babysit. when i got there she told me that she never had a babysitter before, except for when the small groups got together, but that's different...never at her house, just for her kids...yup, i was the first. which i didn't think she got babysitters cause i know she has a daycare in her house during the weeks...so anyways taylor, carson, and i had a fun night of coloring. taylor started making puppets or something and she kept trying to get me to make one. instead i made her an origami crane, i used to make them all the time when i was younger. now i'm making a bunch out of starburst wrappers. so anyways i had a fun night and taylor, she's 6, would not stop talking, it was great...she had so much to tell me..and carson, he's getting so big, i remember when i went to his 2 yr. old bday in the summer and he didn't even really know who i was..and now he does, he'll give me a high five...or he'll just stand there and giggle.

this week has been really stressful on me for some reason. i couldn't get to bed before 2...some nights it was 3..and i have to wake up at like 7 or 7:30 in the morning tues-fri...and it wasn't even like i was doing hw or anything that late..well i was supposed to but i just couldn't get off the stupid internet. *sigh* most of the time it's not that bad, i can get off when i need to do stuff...but this past week i just couldn't. so thurs. i felt so sick and stuff from lack of sleep so at 5 i shut my laptop and i told myself i wasn't opening it again that night. well i took a shower, did most of my hw...watched some of anne of green gables, i bought it finally..got it in the mail!!! and i slept from about 7:30-8:30..i planned to just keep sleeping through the night but i was awake..so i got on the internet and did a few things..then got back in bed at 9:30 and i should've feel right asleep cause i didn't have a huge long nap like i did on wed. so i stayed in bed..and i stayed there..and i was awake..i couldn't sleep. i guess there was just too much on my mind or something. well, i think i finally did fall asleep around 11..but then i woke up again when adrian went to bed around midnight..and it took a little while longer to fall back asleep...

then came friday..and i was finally glad the week was over...so here's what happened on friday..after my boring marriage and family class i have my alive group meeting. went to that, and there was nothing really planned so everyone sat around and talked..yah everyone talked..i said a few words here and there..i tried...then i had to finish up my hw and go to my gospel narratives class..after that i got my mail..i got a card from michelle. i waited til i got back to the dorm to read it...and at the top it said just think..and it was like a poem or something written by roy lessin i guess..and here's what it said:

"Just think, you're here not by chance,
but by GOD'S choosing.
HIS hand formed you and made you
the person you are.
HE compares you to no one else--
you are one of a kind.
You lack nothing that HIS grace can't give you.
HE has allowed you to be here at this time in history
to fulfill HIS special purpose for this generation.
GOD'S wisdom is perfect.
HE created you at just the right time
and place for many special reasons,
but the one that means so much to me
is that HE created you to be my special friend."

and then she wrote that she hope all is well at college...but that message, it just meant alot to me...with all that went on that week..and how stressed i've been...and then she sends me a card telling me how God has placed me here..at the right place..at the right time..for his purpose. and then the end is just what broke my heart and made me start crying..just cause the card meant alot to me, and just cause she is a good friend of mine..and i was happy..but at the same time sad that i just didn't get the chance to talk to her last weekend. anyways whatever the reason, i'm just crying..and i was sad that i'm just so far away from her and her kids now...well anyways, tricia knocks on the door and just walks right in while i'm crying..and i try to wipe my tears fast, but she knew i was crying. she gave me a hug and i let her read the card cause of course she wanted to know why i was crying...but i just hated the fact that she had to come in then. i don't let ppl see me cry, i don't know why..i just hate it. my mom has seen me cry alot, but i would always hide under my covers so that she couldn't see....my dad's only seen me cry when we were in yelling wars and i was so angry at him that tears were coming down my face..and my old dgroup saw me tear up before...that one time at ciy when i was crying, i kept my head down until i was done. i just hate it. it's not that i don't want ppl knowing i cry...i mean i told my alive group leaders that i've struggled with depression and that the night before i came to talk to them, i was crying in my room...and jeannette told me i could've come down to her room and just talked to her..but i don't talk to ppl in the moment when i am crying, just after the fact...i dunno why i'm weird like that..but anyways i really hated tricia for just walking in on me like that..but i just had to write about it first and now i'll be fine...at the same time, i think it's also a good thing that she did catch me crying...since we're becoming good friends and all...maybe this is just a step for me at developing closer friendships than i'm used to...so then she tells me that she's off all weekend cept sun. so that we were going to hang out that night...

so i took a nap from 7-8..cause again, tricia walks right in my room and wakes me up. i didn't mind though...she's such a great person. so i go to her room and we watch a movie, only she ends up falling asleep cause she's soo worn out from the week too. so after it was over i went back to my room to find a couple messages from one of my alive group leaders, cameron. the alive group all volunteered that night to work at the zoo by handing out candy and stuff to the kids, but i couldn't because they were leaving at 3:30 and i was working at the library from 1:30-5...so i had to miss out on that..anyways she called to let me know they were back and were hanging out in one of the girl's rooms and invited me to come up there and hang out with them. well the last message she left was like 40 min. ago, so i called to see if they were still up there, which they were..so i went up there and they told me all about how cold it was..and what they did..and the fun costumes they saw. i was up there for about 45 min. before they decided they needed to leave...i enjoyed telling them that the reason i didn't get their message sooner is cause i was in tricia's room watching a movie with her...i just know that one time when i was talking to jeannette and cameron they were asking me if i was hangin out with any of the girls in the hall and i had said i went to the movies one time with some girls..and cameron said she was proud of me for doing that..so while i'm not developing friendships with the girls in the small group yet, i am developing a friendship with one of the girls in my hall...and it was nice that i didn't have to tell them that i was just hanging out in my room all by myself.

so today i had to get up early cause i had to meet a lady in the lobby at 7:30. this girl in my hall has a nephew she watches every sat. from 7:30-5:30 but she was leaving this weekend and asked if i wanted to do it, so i said sure. so her sister-in-law brought the little boy over this morning and we've been hanging out every since. he's napping while i'm writing this, just so you know...i really am watching him...so anyways, today's been really fun so far...i just love kids and he's sooo cute and fun...he's only 18 months too..younger than most of the kids i babysit..but i'm getting used to the young young kids...so i better get off here now cause he should be waking up soon..and plus this is long enough, my fingers are tired of typing. . .

so there's this girl in my hall...her name's tricia and she's crazy. the weird thing is i love hanging out with her. i know, it surprised me too...but there's just something about her. i think i wrote bout her before but i make sure to stop by her room like every night or she stops by mine. she calls me her little sis...cause she's never had one..even though i'm not that much younger than her. anyways she keeps telling me not to leave this weekend cause she'll miss me too much. i wish she could come home with me..that'd be so fun. you know the coolest part, she's majoring in children's ministry. i think i might switch from teacher ed to that..cause it's children's ministry/preschool/daycare...yah, all that..and from the sounds of it, it just sounds so much more fun than the teacher ed program. and i don't even know if i wanna be a teacher in a school or not...but while i'm here at college, i want to have fun. i'd like to go to classes i enjoy...and do things that i like. and i don't know if i wanna be here for 5 whole years..that's how long the teacher ed program is.

anyways, this week has been another tough one for some reason..ok, so i know the reason, i'm about to start my period..and i hate that...like really, is that all it is...part of me thinks that there's more to it than that..but wed. night adrian left and i sat in my room and i cried...on and off...for like 2 hrs. i was miserable..i thought over and over about just choking myself or scratching...the pain was so great. and than i had a huge headache. but i guess these things happen huh? well, i know there's something i should have done about it then stay in the room by myself and just cry. i tried IMing jeannette but i don't think she was in her room...and that's as far as i got for reaching out for help...and then thursday was pretty hard too, i don't know why..cause i'm going home today..this w/e...so things shoud be good right? but for some reason when i get stuck in my horrible thinking patterns and states of depression...it doesn't matter what's going around me. so thursday night adrian and i went for one of our rare and short 5 min. runs..it was freezing cold outside...and i was in a tshirt and capris...we were so cold that our legs could barely move...and my arms were all red. oh yah, and my heart was hurting so bad, my heart and my throat and my chest...i forgot the cold air does that to me when i'm running.

so chris is taking adrian and i home this weekend cause there's a race back home that he's going to run and adrian's going to walk it. and i'm coming along just cause i was actually invited...so the last time i went home i couldn't babysit for jennifer because devon and michelle set my bday party up for that saturday..so now this saturday she needs a babysitter again cause her and her husband are going to some game. so i said i would babysit for her the next time if she needed me....well michelle called me like last week or something, she was going to get the girls in her small group together for scrapbooking and needed me to watch the kids. well i told her i wasn't sure...and then jennifer did ask me again if i could babysit so i said yes. so i'm babysitting amanda and jacob tomorrow...well my mom sends me an email the next day asking if i am babysitting for jennifer on sat...i told her yes..then devon was on aim and she IMed me and said she heard i was babysitting for jennifer on sat. i said yes..and she said "we needed you on saturday for scrapbooking" and i'm thinking, can i help it? i'm gone now and i'm just coming back for the w/e...i can't babysit for everybody. well, adrian told me that michelle tried calling earlier so i called her back after devon and i were done talking and she said the same thing devon was saying. "i heard you were babysitting for jennifer on saturday" and so then, i'm thinking how does everybody know this already? i had just decided the other day. and so i ask her, and she said she ran into jennifer the other day at church and they were talking about me coming home this weekend and jennifer mentioned that i was babysitting..so michelle had said to her that she had tried getting me to babysit for her. so jennifer felt bad and said that i could babysit for her instead..and then michelle said no, i can find someone else..but really, i'm the babysitter...i agreed to babysit for jennifer. i can't help it that i can't babysit for michelle's small group too..but i just know that jennifer probably still feels bad about asking me to babysit and i feel bad that i just had to make a decision like that..and that michelle and her group are without a babysitter...ahhh the craziness...i just need to remind myself that this is how much i'm missed...yeah...

anyways, classes are going pretty good...i'm getting my hw done..for the most part..i'm still not sleeping good though. when i get in bed and sleep..i sleep well, but when sometimes i just can't get in bed..so this whole week i've been going to sleep after 1..mostly after 1:30...but last night i was just awake i guess..i was exhausted..but my mind was so preoccupied…that i knew i couldn't try to go to bed..anyways i got in bed around 2:30 and had to get up at 7 for my marriage and family class...which i slept through cause our teacher is soooo boring.

aww..tricia just came in and gave adrian and i hugs saying how much she'll miss us this w/e...see, that's why i love her, she's so nice to us....me and adrian...

so after marriage and family, i had my alive group..which reminds me, last friday i did meet with the leaders, jeannette and cameron..we went up to the prayer room on the third floor, it was really small..had two chairs in there, they fit a third, but it we were all really close..cause the room was so small...but i did talk..and it was good. it helped that they did ask questions. they wanted to know about the small group, counseling, my depression...things i did, my relationship with God. michelle asked me later on if i was honest with them...yes, i was. there would have been no point in meeting with them if i'm just going to lie some more. i will talk to ppl if they set aside time for me and ask me...and they did, they showed concern, they showed me that they did care. and they wanted to help. so today our whole group go together and talked about some of the concerns of the group and why we wanted to be in a small group to begin with. i shared that it's hard for me to get close to ppl cause i hadn't been in a small group in over a year..and i told them that closeness scares me..cause it does..so there's me..opening up..a little...others shared how it didn't seem like our group prayed enough for one another and that we still really didn't know ppl that well...i think for me, if i just hang out with them some more, like when i hang out with the girls in my hall, that will just make it easier to talk about "deeper" stuff. and then when i was leaving cameron's like *rain_drop, can i have a hug before you leave* now sometimes hugs are just really awkward for me..i gave her a hug..but really when someone asks for a hug, it just makes it weird..but remember what i just said earlier, tricia just came in here and gave us both hugs...but sometimes it just depends who it is..like with tricia, she'll hug me all the time, it's just normal..and i'm used to it..but cameron asks me for a hug..see what i'm saying..i don't know, i'm trying. i gave her a hug.

so we're not leaving til like 5:30 cause both adrian and chris have 4:00 classes....and chris has already skipped that class twice before and that's all ur allowed here. so i should finish some stuff up on here and then pack my stuff..i'm bringing my laptop home and i'm hoping i can get some peeps camera's and put pix on here cause pix are so much fun. until then...