so there's this girl in my hall...her name's tricia and she's crazy. the weird thing is i love hanging out with her. i know, it surprised me too...but there's just something about her. i think i wrote bout her before but i make sure to stop by her room like every night or she stops by mine. she calls me her little sis...cause she's never had one..even though i'm not that much younger than her. anyways she keeps telling me not to leave this weekend cause she'll miss me too much. i wish she could come home with me..that'd be so fun. you know the coolest part, she's majoring in children's ministry. i think i might switch from teacher ed to that..cause it's children's ministry/preschool/daycare...yah, all that..and from the sounds of it, it just sounds so much more fun than the teacher ed program. and i don't even know if i wanna be a teacher in a school or not...but while i'm here at college, i want to have fun. i'd like to go to classes i enjoy...and do things that i like. and i don't know if i wanna be here for 5 whole years..that's how long the teacher ed program is.

anyways, this week has been another tough one for some reason..ok, so i know the reason, i'm about to start my period..and i hate that...like really, is that all it is...part of me thinks that there's more to it than that..but wed. night adrian left and i sat in my room and i cried...on and off...for like 2 hrs. i was miserable..i thought over and over about just choking myself or scratching...the pain was so great. and than i had a huge headache. but i guess these things happen huh? well, i know there's something i should have done about it then stay in the room by myself and just cry. i tried IMing jeannette but i don't think she was in her room...and that's as far as i got for reaching out for help...and then thursday was pretty hard too, i don't know why..cause i'm going home today..this w/e...so things shoud be good right? but for some reason when i get stuck in my horrible thinking patterns and states of depression...it doesn't matter what's going around me. so thursday night adrian and i went for one of our rare and short 5 min. runs..it was freezing cold outside...and i was in a tshirt and capris...we were so cold that our legs could barely move...and my arms were all red. oh yah, and my heart was hurting so bad, my heart and my throat and my chest...i forgot the cold air does that to me when i'm running.

so chris is taking adrian and i home this weekend cause there's a race back home that he's going to run and adrian's going to walk it. and i'm coming along just cause i was actually invited...so the last time i went home i couldn't babysit for jennifer because devon and michelle set my bday party up for that saturday..so now this saturday she needs a babysitter again cause her and her husband are going to some game. so i said i would babysit for her the next time if she needed me....well michelle called me like last week or something, she was going to get the girls in her small group together for scrapbooking and needed me to watch the kids. well i told her i wasn't sure...and then jennifer did ask me again if i could babysit so i said yes. so i'm babysitting amanda and jacob tomorrow...well my mom sends me an email the next day asking if i am babysitting for jennifer on sat...i told her yes..then devon was on aim and she IMed me and said she heard i was babysitting for jennifer on sat. i said yes..and she said "we needed you on saturday for scrapbooking" and i'm thinking, can i help it? i'm gone now and i'm just coming back for the w/e...i can't babysit for everybody. well, adrian told me that michelle tried calling earlier so i called her back after devon and i were done talking and she said the same thing devon was saying. "i heard you were babysitting for jennifer on saturday" and so then, i'm thinking how does everybody know this already? i had just decided the other day. and so i ask her, and she said she ran into jennifer the other day at church and they were talking about me coming home this weekend and jennifer mentioned that i was babysitting..so michelle had said to her that she had tried getting me to babysit for her. so jennifer felt bad and said that i could babysit for her instead..and then michelle said no, i can find someone else..but really, i'm the babysitter...i agreed to babysit for jennifer. i can't help it that i can't babysit for michelle's small group too..but i just know that jennifer probably still feels bad about asking me to babysit and i feel bad that i just had to make a decision like that..and that michelle and her group are without a babysitter...ahhh the craziness...i just need to remind myself that this is how much i'm missed...yeah...

anyways, classes are going pretty good...i'm getting my hw done..for the most part..i'm still not sleeping good though. when i get in bed and sleep..i sleep well, but when sometimes i just can't get in bed..so this whole week i've been going to sleep after 1..mostly after 1:30...but last night i was just awake i guess..i was exhausted..but my mind was so preoccupied…that i knew i couldn't try to go to bed..anyways i got in bed around 2:30 and had to get up at 7 for my marriage and family class...which i slept through cause our teacher is soooo boring.

aww..tricia just came in and gave adrian and i hugs saying how much she'll miss us this w/e...see, that's why i love her, she's so nice to us....me and adrian...

so after marriage and family, i had my alive group..which reminds me, last friday i did meet with the leaders, jeannette and cameron..we went up to the prayer room on the third floor, it was really small..had two chairs in there, they fit a third, but it we were all really close..cause the room was so small...but i did talk..and it was good. it helped that they did ask questions. they wanted to know about the small group, counseling, my depression...things i did, my relationship with God. michelle asked me later on if i was honest with them...yes, i was. there would have been no point in meeting with them if i'm just going to lie some more. i will talk to ppl if they set aside time for me and ask me...and they did, they showed concern, they showed me that they did care. and they wanted to help. so today our whole group go together and talked about some of the concerns of the group and why we wanted to be in a small group to begin with. i shared that it's hard for me to get close to ppl cause i hadn't been in a small group in over a year..and i told them that closeness scares me..cause it does..so there's me..opening up..a little...others shared how it didn't seem like our group prayed enough for one another and that we still really didn't know ppl that well...i think for me, if i just hang out with them some more, like when i hang out with the girls in my hall, that will just make it easier to talk about "deeper" stuff. and then when i was leaving cameron's like *rain_drop, can i have a hug before you leave* now sometimes hugs are just really awkward for me..i gave her a hug..but really when someone asks for a hug, it just makes it weird..but remember what i just said earlier, tricia just came in here and gave us both hugs...but sometimes it just depends who it is..like with tricia, she'll hug me all the time, it's just normal..and i'm used to it..but cameron asks me for a hug..see what i'm saying..i don't know, i'm trying. i gave her a hug.

so we're not leaving til like 5:30 cause both adrian and chris have 4:00 classes....and chris has already skipped that class twice before and that's all ur allowed here. so i should finish some stuff up on here and then pack my stuff..i'm bringing my laptop home and i'm hoping i can get some peeps camera's and put pix on here cause pix are so much fun. until then...

i changed my mind...i can't meet with jeannette and cameron tomorrow...

it's 2 in the morning..i didn't nap today..and i feel wide awake...

not to mention i can't calm myself down..i've been listening to musik for hours...i'm in pain.

i feel physically sick. my stomach hurts...i feel like throwing up. my head hurts, most likely from lack of sleep...but i can't calm myself down..

adrian says i need to take a pill or something...hahahahaha...

i just can't do things like this. you know one easy way to calm myself down??? if i could just dig my nails into my arms...all up and down...on my stomach...my legs...everywhere...if i could just be alone...cry..and just get my anger out.

i hate the nights...i have to get up at 7 for my class tomorrow...that's like in 5 hrs. yah, it's 2 in the morning. i feel so frustrated. i could so go running or something now...if there wasn't a curfew.

why did i agree to meet them. i hate ppl. i can't seem to type enough to get it all out. i feel like i'm on this emotional roller coaster again..i was fine hours ago...i was tired too, i probably could have fell right asleep..now i'll never get to sleep...

i need something to calm me down though..and i really feel like hurting myself...why??? i just don't understand..gosh, and that makes me soo mad..and hate myself even more. i wish i could just cry now and get something out...i didn't seem to have a problem with that last week...why can't i now!?!

so this week has been better. october started off fine. i've been so busy this week but i've been having fun..doing stuff...yah..all that. it's so late, so i'm gonna have to be short.

hmm..now it's hard to think of what's been happening. basically i've been hanging out with tricia, a girl down the hall, all week. ever since that oh soo unforgettable trip to applebee's..i like her alot though. she's so funny and crazy..and i think those are the kinds of friends i seem to make. cause i like having fun and goofing off and that's what we do.

oh yah, so one sat. night...was it last week? i dunno. i went to the movies with a group of girls..tricia was there and so was the "accountability partner" of mine, andrea. so i've been talking to her more too though we haven't "met" after that first time and i know it's cause cameron told her to take it slow with me..hmm...

but yah, today tricia and i went to the boy's soccer game(yes i went to a sports game) and then we ate in the cafeteria...then we took our hw outside and layed on a blanket and worked on it...then later on we took a trip to kroger so she could get some cereal...and then later on we went to hall devos and sat together. so it's been a crazy day, been around her alot..but it's soo much fun. and she's getting me to do alot of things i wouldn't normally do..or something like that.

on the other hand, tomorrow is when i meet with the leaders of the small group, jeannette and cameron so they can "talk" to me about some of the concerns of being in a small group..some of the things i've gone through...the past small group i was in and why that didn't work out..and who knows what else..so i'm really nervous about that, i hope i can talk to them cause it'd be good to talk to someone...but then, it's also fun just to laugh with tricia and have fun..and not be serious..but i know i need to balance that...it's just that when i agreed to meet with them...i dunno. i thought i could do it, but now i'm really not sure. i really don't know...hopefully i can talk and be honest with them..cause if not them..then who? last week was horrible and i didn't call anyone..and when i did talk to michelle on the phone and jennifer..i told them that things were going ok...that made me feel worse, lying to them..but i just realized that trying to talk to the ppl i actually know is still hard for me...will it ever be easy????

alright, well i can't focus at all...i am so tired, i've been staying up past two like every night and getting some naps in during the day..but i didn't nap at all today..and i still have hw left, but i can't even focus on that anymore..all i can think about it is tomorrow....at 9...but i probably won't be able to focus on my hw after that either...ahh...i can't wait for the w/e to get some sleep!

so how are things really? hard...confusing...and ahh way too many words to describe. it's just crazy i guess.

i should've wrote about this sooner. i joined a small group here at college. there's 6 of us girls with one junior leader and one senior leader...8 total. we have been meeting on friday mornings. but the leaders set us up with accountability partners already and mine happens to be a girl who lives in the room right nex to me, andrea. now andrea's great...cept i really don't know her well and i met with her a couple weeks ago and she starts asking me questions about how things are going and stuff. and i'm not the kind of person to just openly talk about my life. not at all. so i told her all the fun i had with the kids the weekend i went home and then she asks me how things were at home..with the family. i shrugged my shoulders. and then she's like oh that's ok, you don't have to talk about that now if you don't want to. thank you, i'm thinking. geeze, i just try to talk about the good things and somehow she knew just what to pick up on to put me in sorta a funk. idk. i hated being home at my house..with my family...hearing the fights...arguments...that is one thing that i am soo glad to have gotten away from...and then she brings it up. how does she even know this stuff? anyways that kinda bugged me..and we talked about some more stuff. i was so nervous and i didn't wanna talk about it in the first place. so when we were done i went back into my room and climbed up on my bed and cried. it was awful. i just didn't like being forced..in a sense...to talk to someone i barely even knew.

so then, when the senior of the small group, cameron emailed all of us telling us some info for the next small group meeting, i had the courage to email her back telling her i was a little uncomfortable being sorta thrown together with andrea and being accountability partners and such..and that it's kinda hard for me to just open up and things..well it was an email...so i could do that. she emailed me back saying she wanted for me to get together with the other leader so we could talk and stuff...which i'm a little more ok with this, i'm not exactly sure why...but maybe cause the junior leader is one of my ra's that i've gotten to know before..and cameron really reminds me of my counselor. just her personality and the way she talks...after last friday's meeting she walked with me back to my dorm when she was telling me she wanted to get together with the other leader and talk sometime...and we talked briefly. she said that it seemed like i was a little more open to talking through email then in person...see i am the same in a lot of ways. i know this. i know it's easier for me to write what i'm thinking rather than saying it. face-to-face is always gonna be hard for me...writing is what i'm used to. i don't have to see the person, i don't have to talk to them, i don't have to see their reaction...but talking to cameron that day wasn't all that hard...i feel like in some ways she already knows me a little..and in others it's kinda scary sorta that she reminds me so much of my counselor. so we're supposed to meet next fri. which is way to far off for me cause my stomach's been hurting the past few days in anticipation of when we're meeting..and now i have to go through this for another whole week??? i just wanna get it over with now.

so this week has basically been the hardest week here and i really don't know why. i'd say maybe it had something to do with going home for my bday..but i was fine after that. i think it's because i did alot of my hw over the weekend..that i've had too much free time this week to think. and thinking, in my case, can be very dangerous. it's just that i've been putting this off i guess, being busy during the week...sleeping during the weekends...or talking on the phone...i haven't really thought all that much about how much i really miss people...until now. tuesday i was in my bed trying to go to sleep early cause i haven't been getting enough sleep lately..but i'll just lay wide awake at night in bed...thinking...and then i'll be exhausted in the morning. well tuesday was hard and i don't even remember why but i just got thinking about amanda and michelle and jennifer...and i got angry and upset...and i started crying and then my fists clenched up..and i thought...oh no, not again. this is the second time since i've been here that the desire to hurt myself has grown so strong that i hurt my hands just getting my fists clenched…and i hurt my head from thinking too hard and stuff..yah, i really don't know, i just know my heart was in serious pain and i still don't know what to do in those hard times...and wednesday i was really missing my counselor so i shut myself in the bathroom and cried....and thursday i was back to missing amanda..so i returned to the dark bathroom..and i think i may have gone to the bathroom another time to cry..i don't know, i just know this has been an emotionally hard week for me...

and then to make things better...last night i was in the shower and the phone rang...well when i was done and went to listen to the message..this is what i heard...

"mom, she's not home, so i'm just going to leave her a message, ok?

no, it's her answering machine, i'm gonna leave a message.

hi *rain_drop* this is amanda and i was just wondering if you wanted to come over to our house sometime. bye."

amanda is sooo cute. it's hard for me to believe that she's only 4, cause the way she talks on the phone, it's just amazing...and the fact that she knew it was answering machine that picked up..and that i wasn't around to answer it..and how to leave a message. i know at her age i was definetly not talking on the phone...even in middle school, i hated it when ppl would call me to ask about hw...i'd try to make it as short as possible. so while amanda's message made me really happy, it also made me even sadder cause i know she just really wants to see me...and i know she doesn't understand how far away i am and why i'm not coming over anymore.

jennifer sent me an email saying that they tried calling last night but that i wasn't home and that they'd try again tonight. well, i've been home all night and she hasn't called. i know i could call them but i'm running out of min. on my phone card and she gets free min. on her cell phone after 9. so i don't see why i always have to be the one calling. but she did try last night. that did surprise me.

i emailed michelle awhile back about something and she wrote in the email to call her...again she has a cell phone with free long distance min. at some time...and i know i could call her, but i just haven't wanted to. but if she called i'd talk to her..i've just kinda been distancing myself from people lately. when i get like this and have a pretty emotional week like this, i'm in a mood like all the time and don't feel like talking to ppl and i don't feel like being around anyone..and i just really don't wanna face my emotions and tell ppl that i am struggling. why is that so hard for me?

oh yah, and i am going home in a couple weeks. chris is going home and is going to take one of his friends home with him and me and adrian. so it's going to be a crazy ride...mostly cause him and his friend are really crazy...and it's at least a 4 and a half hr. drive...but i'll be so glad to see ppl again, my friends..kids...i just really don't wanna go to my house, i don't wanna see my family. my mom has been emailing me like crazy this week too, i've wrote her a line or two here and there but i really don't wanna tell her wassup..and what i'm doing. i don't want to talk to her everyday. she's been limiting her phone calls to once a week, sundays. and last sunday i was already tired of talking to her from the previous..that i kinda just said uh huh and yah alot in hopes that she'd get off soon. i also made the mistake of setting her up with an instant message screen name but have recently blocked her from seeing when i've been on. so she doesn't know this..but i kinda feel like i'm being a little mean to her, but i just wanna get on with this college life of mine. i'm fine without her. it's amanda i miss, her hugs, her sweet kind words...it's michelle i miss too, talking late into the night over at her old house...just hanging around her and her kids. she was soo busy moving into that new house that i didn't see her much in the summer and now she got a job to pay for all the bills and stuff...so she's still super busy and it's hard on her and her family. so i know things are stressful for her at this time which is probably why she told me to call her. i know i need to be a friend back to her and listen to some of what she's going through and the things she needs to say but i just wanna talk to someone about this hard week i've been having...and that's kinda hard to do over the phone...especially with someone like her, surprisingly it was easier in person with her.

but there is this girl named tricia in the hall that i gotten to know within the past week that is just hilarious. so last saturday i decided to go to target with this group of girls...don't ask me why. but then they decided they were going to go out to eat first. so i ate in the dorm cause i still don't like eating out. and now it's a big deal around this hall and pretty much everyone knows now..especially after last week. so we go to applebee's and i get nothing. i don't even feel like water, but tricia says go ahead and bring some..cause the waiter's standing there smiling cause i want NOTHING TO EAT...geeze. i hate how ppl make me feel when i don't eat out, i don't like it..i don't wanna spend the money...i'm too nervous anyways to eat there...and oh yah, i do eat food..just so you know. i don't eat OUT. i hate it, it's just not something i've done alot of and i'm not used to it, nor do i wanna be. so tricia pretty much embarrased me the whole night and somehow the waiter ending up bringing me a smiley face on a plate. the eyes were whipped cream dots and the smile was a lemon slice...so anyways the rest of the night i was kinda mad at tricia cause i told the girls that i didn't want to eat out and they said it was fine that i didn't have to..and then she makes a huge deal of out it...but a few days of being around tricia here at the dorms and i just love her. she is so funny and the things she does makes me laugh so hard. our floor was dirty the other day so she brings the vaccum into our room and turns it on but doesn't plug it in. so adrian and i don't know it's on. she goes away(to plug it into the hall..which we didn't know) and all of the sudden, we're sitting in the room and the vacuum turns on. it was so funny. and then later on she comes and vacuums our room for us...anyways just so you know, tricia is funny..and anytime i think of her i just laugh...i have so much fun just laughing with her..or at her...

ahh michelle just emailed me..so she does still get on. maybe i'll end up talking to these ppl on the weekend or something...hopefully i'll get in the mood soon..but for now, i need to finish up and get off of here..and get so much need sleep!

i HATE myself.

i MISS amanda.

i'm SICK of crying.

i WANT to be better.

yet i FEEL like dying.

or maybe i just want

...all of THIS to END...


...and i LAUGH at myself..cause i really did THINK that everything was gonna be ok after this..

so last weekend was amazing...and i didn't have time to write about it til now since during the weeks i'm so busy..and when i'm not, i'm napping from exhaustion of college.

so last week, friday, my mom comes here with a friend of hers to pick me and adrian up...we didn't get to leave til about 5:30 cause i had to work at the library til 5 and adrian had a late class. so we stop by subway for dinner, yum! and we were off...we got home probably around 10:30, so it would have been shorter if we didn't stop to eat..but we did. so i got home, my sister was still up and she was very happy to see me. i wish i could say the same, i mean it was good to see her, but i don't really miss her. but don't worry, i didn't tell her that! so i unpacked all my dirty clothes, put em in the laundry (since i still don't know how to wash my own clothes!!! adrian's been doing it for me!) and i went to bed, fell right asleep.

saturday morning i watched "it takes too" with my sister. i was glad i woke up kinda early cause i knew i wouldn't get much time to spend with her over the weekned, and i didn't want her to get too upset over that. and i also was looking through the christian bookstore magazine and saw two cds that i wanted on sale for $7 and something..but the sale ended that day, so i asked my mom to get em for me, and she said that'd it be a bday present since she hadn't got one yet.

near 2, michelle came by the house and i was gonna follow her to devon's, where my bday party was gonna be. but when i tried starting my car, the battery was dead! so it was a good thing i didn't take my car to college. so i ride with michelle to devon's. i was so happy to see her and her kids riley and blake again. when we got to devon's, it was even more exciting for me. her kids carson and taylor were there. taylor is the oldest, she started talking to me right away and showing me things..which is funny cause alot of times she's real shy around me. and guess who else came to my party? christy and her kids hayden and sarah. so i had a blast. it was nice talking to michelle, devon, and christy again..and it was so fun to hang out with the kids.

after the party i was planning on going over to michelle's and since my car wasn't working, she told me i could just come over to spend the night. which was amazing cause that meant one night that i didn't have to spend at HOME! so we went back to my house, i picked up some clothes for church, and i left. so i was only home sat in the morning... we had pizza for dinner and tried watching a movie, i think it was called RV...it was pretty funny but i waas just enhoying being at michelle's again...and her kids. i slept on the couch and one of her dogs was sleeping right down on the floor next to me. that was disgusting. i hate dogs sooo much. and the dog was even snoring...i don't know how i got to sleep, but i did...cause i was still exhausted.

got up early on sunday morning cause michelle lives so far away from church. when we got there riley and blake couldn't stop telling ppl that i slept over their house with them, they were so excited. it was cute. i saw susan and greg again..and yes, i was hugging everyone, which i've kinda got more used to...which is good cause this is how it's gonna be every time i come back..and then leave again. so i went back to my 4 year old class..and saw all my kids again. amanda didn't come that service though cause she was bringing a friend. but they came 2nd service, right before i was to leave the classroom and go to the adult service. when amanda came in though she gave me a huge hug and just clung to me for at least 5 min. she just kept saying how much she missed me..and that just about broke my heart. out of all the kids...i think she was the one that truely missed me the most..and i can see why, cause i saw her almost every day in the summer when i was babysitting across the street from her. she's like my best little friend. and..that was just hard on me...seeing how much she missed me. so it took a little while to get away from her and go to the adult service, part of me didn't want to either, i wanted to stay there and i wished i could tell her that i didn't have to go back to college. she's only 4..she doesn't understand..she thought i was done with college already..but i went ahead to service and sat with jennifer and her husband. i saw alot of the other ppl from michelle and devon's small group. i talked to em all too, it was nice...and after church, i went back to the preschool hall like always and pretty much just hung out and said hi to all the kids that went by that i knew. everyone of them seemed excited to see me too. i talked to greg and he told me that anytime i wanted to come home, just tell him and he'd come pick me up which is extremely nice. he said no one should not be able to come home who wants to. so after church, well i had to go back home. jennifer told me i could come over her house that day, but she was busy right after church so she told me she'd call me.

so i had to be home for about 3 hrs. in between the end of church and before i went to jennifer's. and well, it was the same as always. ppl were fighting, there was screaming, and my parents were arguing. my sister had lots of hw to work on..so i just got on my laptop for awhile and saw how slow dial-up really is. i was missing this high-speed internet.

later on, i go over jennifer's for a little while before dinner, cause they were going out to eat..and i didn't wanna eat out. my mom told me she'd get papa john's anyways. so i hung out at her house like old times again..and i just couldn't believe how much more jacob was talking now..he just couldn't stop. i am missing so much of these kids growing up while being here.

after pizza, i go back over jennifer's cause well, there was nothing to do at home. i did call the other jen and talked to her a little, cause i didn't see her at church. i wish i had seen her and i talked to val some cause i only saw her at church but i didn't get the chance to talk to her. over jennifer's she was getting the kids ready for bed and she asks amanda is she wants mommy or daddy to put her to bed that night. she points over to me and says *i want rain_drop to put me to bed.* so i read to her and talked with her some more. she brushed her teeth and i said good night to her...good night and good bye once again. then jennifer and i went on one of our walks. it wasn't that long but it wore me out cause i'm not used to physical exercise here at college. adrian and i ran a few times, but that's it. sleep is more important to us...but that just gave me a chance to talk to jennifer some more, without the kids around. it was nice. we did stop by marlee's house, the kid i babysat in the summer, and i said hi to her and her mom...and well, after our walk...i had to say goodbye...again...

monday was the day we left...the day of my birthday. so yea, i'm 19 now and i still feel like 14 or something. but for my bday, my mom drove me back to college..oooh how fuN! but she did give me those cds. one is pettidee and the other is the new fm static cd. they are both awesome. so it took forever to get back to college cause there was traffic and we stopped at taco bell.

we got back here, my mom said goodbye and adrain and i unpacked, and crashed. i have gotten so used to my naps here, that when i went back home and didn't take any naps, well it wore me out. so it was a good thing i didn't have to work that night cause i slept for like 2 hrs. then we both woke up and had to do the worst thing ever, homework. yah, we were up late. we've been up late every day this week. it's crazy!!!

one thing i did learn from going back home and seeing everyone again..is that they are getting along fine without me, well maybe with the exception of amanda..but she's young, she'll be ok. sure the kids were very happy to see me, but they're happy like all the time anyways, cause their young. the only person it's really been hard on is me, and i'll get through this.

i have a picture of me, marlee and amanda on my background thing and i was just staring at it today and tears started spilling down my cheeks. some days it's gonna be harder than others..but that's probably the first time i cried over missing the kids since i've been back. there are other things that are going on right now that have me worried, scared, and because of this i've been physically sick to my stomach. and i'll write more about this later, hopefully...but i just wanted to write about my amazing weekend at home...but away from my home.

so it's september already and i realize i haven't blogged yet. i've been so busy and when i'm not busy, i'm listening to musik or on myspace. i just don't feel comfortable typing when my roommate's around but now we're watching gilmore girls and i brought my laptop up on my bed, so i could type from up high...i'm sooo tired. during the week i've been staying up til 1:30 to 2 in the morning working on hw and i have to get up early tues-fri...and then on the weekends i seem to crash. like now, i could sleep right now. last sat i woke up around 10:30 and went to brunch with some girls in the hall and then around 2:30 i took a nap and didn't wake up til 5:30. it's crazy. so i should work on my hw during the weekend that way during the week i can get some decent sleep.

so sat. night adrian and i went out to get a $5 pizza from little caesar's and we kinda got lost downtown..but we finally found it, got our pizza, and returned to the dorms. we watched the glass house while eating our pizza..and we almost ate the whole thing. it was great to eat some good food!

mon. morning i had to get up early and go get fingerprinted. everyone in the teacher ed program had to go do it cause it's a requirement or something to be in the classrooms with children.

so guess why i'm excited!?! i'm going home tomorrow..no, home doesn't excite me but i'm going home for my bday and on sat. devon is throwing me a bday party with all my friends and their kids...i can't wait for that. i already know jennifer can't come..which means amanda and jacob won't be there cause they already have something planned. but she said maybe i could come over sun. my mom knows i'm not planning on being home much, but she told me to make sure to spend time with my sis. it sounds bad, but i really haven't missed her, we just aren't that close..i don't know why...but i only talked to her once on the phone so far...but i am gonna do something with her cause i'm sure she's been missing me.

so yah..tomorrow my mom is gonna drive up here with her friend and gonna take me and adrian back home. i already told susan i'd be at church on sun. and i'm also excited to be back in my green classroom. i miss those kids sooo much. other than that, getting away from my family is great.

so tomorrow i have a 7:35 class and it's almost 1 in the morning but there's nooo way i can get to sleep now..cause i'm just excited about tomorrow..even though we'll get home late cause we ain't leaving til like 5 or a little after..but the closer it'll be to sat. adrian and i were talking a little earlier. it seems like when we do start talking and stuff, it's always late at night when we can't sleep. so that's going pretty good, rooming together...but there's some other things i could talk about that i don't like soo much at this time, but i'm too happy now to be thinking about stuff like that so i'll leave it for later. sat. is party day! gonna see my kids!!!YAY!

picky picky picky...

so HOW am i doing???

horrible. i miss the kids...but that's life..and life is tough.

but..WHAT i am doing is..

calling em..talking to em...and learning lots of interesting things in class..

and still paying for stupid junk like to get fingerprinted...soo..

man, do i miss babysitting. :-(

sorry to ALL my dedicated readers who supposedly read this DAILY...sorry that there's not an update regularly..but that's why i have been sending out E-MAILS to let YOU know what's going ON! so chill...and i'll get here as SOON as i CAN...but right NOW i think i BETTER focus on my HOMEWORK and talking on the PHONE then the internet..or rather AEONITY..haha, i WILL blog SOON..hopefully. BUT I AM sending out EMAILS and if YOU'RE not on the LIST let me KNOW..and I'LL email you TOO.

GEEZE...can't i get a break once in awhile. actually i just kinda forgot to check this email addy...cause i have one for school now too..and my other yahoo one..and my myspace..and oh yah i started one of those facebook things too...


**i'm just kidding...content on this page is for laughing at only..no seriousness here**

this is what happens when i'm sleep deprived.

so i finally talked to my mom today. she called me on my phone in the dorm. she had called the other night but i was over in the RA's room keeping busy. i found the busier i keep myself the better off i am. i mean i could sit in the room all the time and think about how much i miss the kids..and my friends..but i needed some fun. and i have a feeling this far away stuff is harder on my roommate..so i wanted to give her some alone time cause she was on the phone..and i hate talking on the phone in front of ppl. but anyways i had a good time last night. i talked some but mostly just listened to them talking and laughing. it beat anything i could have been doing in my dorm room...although...

i've talked to devon on aim last night and the night before. the night before was when i was having a rough time and yah, i told her that, and i finally told her about some of the stuff i've been through already. she told me that she understands. i learned that she's been through some hard times with her dad too. and she told me that i'd be surprised at the number of adults who are on meds..and i told her i know. when i was first going on anti-depressants i felt kinda like it was a bad thing and nobody is on them unless they are really messed up. but over time my opinion has changed and i've realized it's an ok thing. last night we just talked about other things though. she told me her daughter taylor said that she misses me and that when she grows up she'll go to college close to home. isn't that sweet? but she's 6, i told devon she'll probably change her mind when she gets older..haha, i know i did.

so yah, i talked to my mom tonight just about how school is and stuff..and then after that the phone rang again and it was amanda...it was so cute, she just kept saying hello. she told me she missed me..aww i just wanted to give her a big hug and kiss and just be there with her. i asked her how her bday was and she said that she got lots of cool new toys. she said maybe when ur done with college you can come over my house again and play with all my new toys. kids are so precious. and then i talked to jennifer for a little bit before she had to go and try getting amanda back in bed. but at least i know not everybody forgot about me. now i just can't wait to talk to michelle on the phone. but i don't wanna call cause phone cards are confusing and stuff. besides all these ppl get free long distance on their cell phones certain times. i've been sending out emails to ppl and i've been getting a few responses. if i just keep this up maybe things won't seem so bad and i'll be able to get through it. and things were going fine today until i heard amanda's voice. not that i didn't want to talk to her, i loved it...it's just that it made me miss her that much more. i don't know. hopefully when classes start and my job at the library things will be easier. but then i'll still have stupid hw.

i emailed one of my teachers the other day from hs. my physics teacher, the one that would just get on my nerves all the time asking me if i was ok...concerned. well i had finally talked to him one day and he was so nice to me after that. he stopped bugging me all the time and would say all these encouraging things to me that made me wonder why i was so rude to him in the first place. he told me he'd love to come visit him at school sometime during his lunch hr. idk. i think i owe it to him though. he's just so kind. i guess that's why he got a teacher of the year award.

i don't know what else to write, i just feel like writing til i get tired or something...just something to keep busy. we have boring stuff like all day tomorrow..have to listen to some guy preach about something...but i guess that's what you get at a bible college.

i went to wal mart with adrian today, it felt good to get off campus for awhile and the other day we rode with chris while he drove around looking for job applications. same thing then, it was good to get off campus. i love looking out the window at all the trees and mountains while i was riding in the car. adrian and chris are going to another college this weekend. chris has to drop a computer off there for his brother and morgan goes there so adrian's gonna spend the night with morgan..which means i'll be by myself this weekend. i have to say at first i was kinda angry that they have set this up for awhile now and not told me..and then not invited me...like i don't wanna see morgan??? but then i realized it'll be good to be by myself for awhile. i might get bored..i might cry..but i think it'd be healthy for me to just get out my emotions..or be able to feel like i can really talk on the phone...so hopefully i'll still feel that way in a few days.

oh yah, and here's something else i did last night...i actually turned off my computer and read my bible. yup. it's been a long while. but it was finally good just to open it up and read something. i really don't know what to read, i just turned to something. but hopefully this is what college will help me with...i don't know why it's so hard for me. in hs i had hw, i complained about it, but in the end i always turned in something that i worked semi-hard on. but like i've never HAD to read the bible or anything before, so i just get lazy and don't do it. well now i'll have to, and i'm not sure i'm going to like that very much. hopefully i will though. just have to have a positive outlook on it..eh??/ yah. i think that's enough for now, maybe i'll write later.~

on wed. i was going over to jennifer's house where i was going to have dinner with her and her family. when i got there, there were a bunch of cars outside. i knew what was happening then. i got inside and right away kids started coming towards me giving me gifts and papers they had colored for me. jennifer had thrown me a going away party and invited my friends at church, the ones i have made this year. devon and her kids were there, amy and her kids, michelle and her kids, and the other jennifer who has the girl marlee that i've been babysitting for the summer. this was probaly one of the best days i've had. that night was focused on...ME! it was funny cause they kept joking about how they were going to leave and have me babysit all the kids...even little andy would cry every time amy went in the other room cause he saw me come in and he thought she was leaving. but the whole evening i felt so loved and appreciated. it was great...and then sat. i had to leave all that behind and come to a college 4 hrs. away...i don't know why..but i did need to get away from my family. the strange thing is i haven't cried since i got here yet...but i feel like i need to so my heart can stop hurting. i know, it's great here..but this morning adrian and i went to the church on the hill..but it's just not the same as the church back home. i miss the little kids..i haven't seen any little ones since last wed. chris is supposed to come here today and he said adrian and i can come to church with him next week. he told me they have an awesome children's program..idk. it's just not the same, it's just going to take some getting used to.

on the other hand, the ppl here seem so nice. it's so weird that i can say i'm at college already. it's weird, college kids are all around me. the RA's are nice though. i ate dinner with them yesterday and there's a girl down the hall who sat with us at church today..she's nice too..but i've never had friends my own age..i mean like real friends. they've always been older. so it's just weird for me. hopefully as the days go on though, i will get more and more used to it..but nothing can make me stop missing my church back home..and the kids that i love so very much. i think i might watch some full house now...a little michelle tanner to cheer me up a bit.

oh and btw..this high speed internet is the best thing ever...i really can't complain about that.

so this college stuff's got me really busy. since i'm leaving this sat. i've had lots to do...

--sunday--

this was my last week at church...and i enjoyed every moment of it that i could. a few ppl hugged me..many told me they'd miss me..and a ton told me i'd baetter come back and visit. anyways i thought i'd go over to michelle's after church since it didn't work out last week, but she said that their small group was meeting at devon's house instead and i was invited. so i went over there and we had lunch and hung out for awhile. it was really nice. although i really miss just hanging out with michelle like we used to. it's been awhile with her moving and all...and now she's just really busy with other things. so anyways i came home to....betcha can't guess..yah fighting. home sweet home. my brother is out of control these days, just like i used to be..and that's the sad part. so i take my sister over to the neighbor's pool for awhile. later on i go for a walk with jennifer cause we haven't walked that much lately either cause her husband's been working alot. so on the way back from our walk we see marlee's mom across the street with alexis and autumn's mom. i was supposed to babysit for alexis and autumn on monday but autumn had strep throat so she told me she didn't need me after all. so in fact, my last day babysitting the girls was friday...it's funny how it started just with marlee and then towards the end i had alexis and autumn too.


--monday--

so since i didn't have to go babysit all day..i had the pleasure of staying home on my brother and sister's last day before they started school. and boy was it fun...before i knew it i was going crazy with all the screaming and yelling. i took my sister to the library for a little and when i came back my dad starts yelling at me about how i should have been home when my mom got home cause she was going to take me to get some new glasses. yah, i'm going to get glasses again now, just so i can wear them part of the time, when i don't feel like putting in my contacts. see i have my old glasses on now, while i'm in bed, but the prescription is so old, i can't see that well. so back to my story, he yells and yells at me, which he already did the moment i woke up and i wasn't too happy in the morning either cause i woke up to the sound of him and my mom yelling because my dad won't answer the stupid phone while my mom's in the shower. so yeah, he started yelling at me again about how it'll take a few days for the glasses to get in and how he could take me now...but i told him i was smarted than to go with him, which i am. i'm not going with someone who's already yelling at me right now. i wouldn't have gone anyways cause i know how he is in the store..but still. no way. so i waited for my mom to come home. she's mad cause everybody's fighting and she yells at me to get in the car. i haven't ate lunch yet cause i got caught up in working on my stupid puzzle that i kept telling myself i'd get something to eat in a few min. it's already almost 3 and i ate breakfast early. so i'm hungry and my head's starting to hurt and my mom's yelling at me to get in the car, which i do. a few min. into the drive i turn off the radio, she turns it on, i lean to turn it back off(remember my headache) and she swings her arm at me and starts hitting me..while she's driving. i jump in the backseat and yell that i'm not going anywhere so she turns the car around and goes back home...which i'm relieved cause she was already in a bad mood and she didn't want to hear it when i was telling her what dad was yelling about to me. it didn't help when she asked my dad what he said to me and he replied that he said NOTHING to me. what a liar. yah, my mom said it too. but really?? he said nothing..he only went on and on and on and on about it for 10 min....in the morning and then again when i got back from the library. and things didn't get any better from there, it was a horrible day. but at least i got to eat as soon as i got home...and i still had a babysitting job at 5. so that got me out of the house for a few hours. it might have been my last night babysitting for a while, you never know. it was the last time before i go away for hayden and sarah. we played and played and had lots of fun. sarah was so worn out she layed down on the couch and fell asleep. she is so cute and hayden and i built a huge lego tower. i'm gonna miss babysitting...

--tuesday--

well this day started off perfect with my sister turning on my light at 7:30 in the morning to get ready for her first day of fifth grade. it didn't help that i went to bed after 1 in the morning...i don't know exactly when i feel to sleep after all the crying i did from the stress of the day..but i was crabby and oh yah...i started my period..what a great time too..so i couldn't go back to sleep cause i was having bad cramps so i got out of bed. and then since i was up my mom decides that we need to get my glasses today. which by the way she apologized for the other day..which made me feel a little better. but today i knew wasn't going to be that great either. so after a couple hours we have finally picked out a pair of glasses for me and i'm hoping i can get used to them and wear them part of the time. just something a little different. i would never wear glasses while i'm babysitting though cause i can't tell you the number of time kids jump all over me and accidentally hit me in the face with something...it's just not a good thing. so then when i get home i eat right before my friend thao is going to come over to take me where?? the movies. yah. what fun. so we go, we have to meet this other guy from school there and we see the movie pulse. now i liked the movie although the point was kinda...blah..but i liked all the ghosts that kept popping up everywhere...and just...i dunno, the idea of the movie. so i got that over with...i come home. i gave my mom some money so she could buy full house season 4 for me and pretty pretty princess for amanda's birthday..which i'm going to miss. but then we had to go see the psychiatrist so i could get my drugs for college. it seems this is the last i'll see of him though since he's resigning. so i'll just have to see what happens in a few months if i go see someone else or i just say forget it and quit with the anti-depressants. i don't know yet. but i finally got that over with too. so i pretty much worked on my puzzle after that for hours while screaming at my brother and sister when they started bugging me or fighting..or like when my brother was so angry that i wouldn't give him one of my dvd's that he stomped on my leg over and over again. now i have this painful bruise on my thigh from him last week and i thought maybe that'd be the last bruise from him for awhile..but i was wrong, i guarantee that stomping will leave a mark. so will the dvd remote that i jabbed into his side while he was fighting with me earlier. he says i just bruise easily on my legs, i say he hits and kicks to hard cause i've had bruises on my arms from him too. i'm just so sick of him. i cannot wait to leave this house.

well tomorrow i'm supposed to go over to jennifer's house for dinner..a one last time thing with her, scott, and the kids amanda and jacob. i'll give amanda her present there and i'm sure we'll play it many times before bedtime. i know she'll love it cause that one time she came over my house and i played it with her she will not stop talking about it. she calls it "the princess game" but i know what she's talking about. now tomorrow should be a good day..well, it might be a little sad..but it'll be good.

and now, well it's almost 3:30 in the morning and it's been a really long day. i hope my sister doesn't wake me up again at 7:30 in the morning..i need my sleep. plus i'm just not in the greatest of moods. how great is that???

the other night my mom and i came back from our walk to find the top of our mailbox on our driveway. someone ran into it but the pole didn't come out cause my dad put it in cement. my brother was sitting on the porch when it happened. a car went off the road, ran into our mailbox, and got right back on the road..didn't even slow down. the guy who hit our mailbox, lives four doors down from us. when our neighbor went to look at his car to see if it was damaged he saw the guy still in his car, passed out cause he was so drunk. my mom didn't want to call the police though cause she doesn't want to cause problems in the neighborhood...but this is the third time this has happened. first was years ago when our old car used to be parked there..someone ran off the road and totaled the car. the second time it happened my car was there...someone ran off the road and hit my car, running it into the mailbox. this time only the front light and side bumper was damaged..this time my car was parked on the other side of the sidewalk so it didn't get hit. but my mom told me it was probably ok to park it next to the mailbox, i refused and now i'm glad. it's not even like our cars are on the road even when we used to park them there. they have always been all the way in the grass so you'd have to go off the road to hit them. i'm so sick of this happening. it's always our mailboxes or our cars....i think my mom should have called the police cause this time we know who did it.

i finally called adrian too. we have two classes together i think and two that are at didn't times. but i guess we'll be together alot cause not only that but eveybody goes to chapel at the same time on tues, wed, and thurs. one thing i thought was funny is we both have our marriage and family class at 7:35 in the morning...i just think it's funny that we have to take that class now. my dad got a fridge the other day that has a freezer in it which i really like cause then i can get some hot pockets and ice cream to put in there.

i have exactly one week left here. i'm babysitting for marlee right now and autumn is also here. jennifer called me earlier and told me if i didn't have any babysitting jobs after marlee to stop by. she said she wants to spend some time with me before i have to leave. i've really started to think about this lately and it starts getting me really down. in a week i won't get to go over there, i won't get to see amanda and jacob...and all the other kids at church. i'm already missing them.

sunday after church i was supposed to go over michelle's, she wanted to cook me dinner and guess what?? spend time with me before i have to leave, but then she found out she had a birthday party to go too so she wants me to come over this sunday. i hope that works out.

not to mention this but thao, the girl from school was talking to me last night via aim and she wants to take me out before i leave. why does everyone put it like that?? anyways i haven't seen her all the summer but all of the sudden, now she wants to do something. i'd love to spend as much time that i can with the kids and things but i guess i can make some time for her. she wants to go to the movies tues, the day school starts for my brother and sister. but that day i have to go see my psychiatrist...one last time before i leave so that he can write me a bunch of prescriptions for my anti-depressants so i don't run out at college. ah..i don't wanna see him. but i guess i could go to the movies after that. she wants to go see pulse which is some new scary movie. i hadn't even heard of it but it's something i know i'd love to see and she also said she'd pay for my ticket...so i really don't have any excuse. except she's also meeting a guy from school there that i don't really even know but she seems to think that's fine...i guess i can deal with her for one last time and try to have fun..but she talked all about spending time with me at first..then she said she's also bringing some other guy, and it's not even her boyfriend..she just wants to see him too before he leaves for college.

yesterday i was babysitting marlee and the girls across the street, autumn and alexis and we went to the pool for like 4 hrs. which was a good thing cause those girls can fight sometimes so it was good to get them out of the house for a really long time. alexis saw a friend from softball there that she hung out with...marlee saw a friend from school and her neighbors that she stuck with. and autumn got to know jacob and mallory, two kids i know from church. when their mom left jacob and mallory asked to stay with us and i said it was ok. so yah, i had five kids to round up and get home when we had to leave. but it was really fun. i didn't mind at all. when i get older and stuff i would love to move into a neighborhood that has a pool cause it's so much fun for the kids and it's summer...it beats staying outside with them in the heat, you have a cool pool to jump into and cool off..and all their friends are always up there..it's really great.

so the reason i can be on my sweet laptop right now while i'm babysitting is cuase i'm on the couch while their playing polly pocket and i brought some of my full house episodes over for them to watch...cause they just happen to like full house too..isn't that great. autumn keeps asking to go to the pool but it doesn't open til noon and i don't know if it looks like pool weather out there now or not. i don't know.

speaking of full house...season 4 comes out august 15..and i plan to get it and try to watch all the episodes with my sister before i have to leave. i can't wait..i've watched seasons 1-3 sooo many times already i can't wait for some new ones..or ones i haven't seen that much. i love full house.

so anyways...blogging two days in a row...i'm doing pretty good huh? let's hope it lasts. well i think it's this laptop...it just may be.

so i got a new laptop and i'm on it right now. it's pretty neat cause i can be in my room on it...i'm offline right now but i opened up this screen to type in..and then i can just close it when i get too tired to type anymore or if i'm done and then just post it in the morning or so when i get back on the internet. i don't have to worry about someone turning the computer off on me anymore...and it's real nice cause i'm laying down in bed right now typing..hehe..it's almost like writing in a journal. cept it's not.

so my dad went and picked me out this really nice laptop. it was a thousand dollars...and that's real nice of him and all but i still can't wait to get away from him..i should have known it'd cause more problems. right after i started using it he wanted to start yelling at me that i wasn't holding it right. i had it on my lap..i thought that's what a laptop was for...but no..i'm supposed to put it on a hard surface so the air can ventilate..blah..blah..blah...and then he wants to tell me that i should call this girl's mom who knows alot about computers and ask her to set up something where it will automatically clean itself. i know, my mom already told me that she'd ask her if she would. but my dad kept going on and on like he expected me to call her right that second. so i yelled back "I KNOW!!!" yah, so then i left and went outside, didn't want to be around him..but he has to follow me outside and continue screaming at me and telling me you're a snob..you're such a snob..you're a snob..like repeating himseft is going to make what he's saying have more of an affect on me..i don't know what he expected. i just ignored him. then seconds later he comes back and yells some more..cept this isn't yelling as much as talking LOUDLY. "i'm sorry, i shouldn't have called you a snob." no emotion, just a straightforward LOUD apology...so i guess counseling is teaching him something. if only it would help things between him and my brother. but i do acknowledge the fact that he did spend more on this laptop for me then he should have and i should just accept it which i did. i told him i loved it. but part of me also wonders why he did it. i know it's part of who he is, when you need to get something you should just get the best cause if you get a cheap one it'll break and you'll have to buy another one and you'll end up spending more than you would have if you just bought the better one in the first place...but i dunno. part of me questions if this is the only way he really knows how to show he actually doesn't mind me being his daughter...ewww i know that sounded weird but it was the only way i knew how to put it. most of the time on here i can say anything but sometimes my fingers are limited as to what they can type...

so the past week things have still been rough at my house, more than usual for me cause i haven't been babysitting as much and i've just been staying home. today i finished my thousand piece puzzle, i now have two to glue together..i plan to take them to college with me and hang on the wall.

my admissions counselor called me the other day to tell me that i am rooming with adrian. it's good that i requested her cause if i was just now finding out who my roommate was when i'm supposed to be there next sat...that's a little too late to start talking and finding out who has what and what we need. i've been talking to adrian some..and we went shopping together once...but we should have got together a little more. but again i was the one calling her when i did..she hasn't called me..and i just hate that. but she's not one to pick up the phone either...at least i don't think. i realized i really don't know her. i met her in 6th grade when she was morgan's friend...and then later on she started going to church..but isn't that sad that i still really don't know that much about her? i know..i'm horrible. ahh well guess i better go now...i promise..more soon!

"Life is so crazy. It's strange how you make friendships with people you never thought you would, and never make some with people that you thought you would. It's neat too when you find those really special, true friends...

I'm trying so hard not to be gloomy and down for my last week here, but it is so difficult when everyone I see says, "so your last days are coming huh?" I want to cry every single time. Why is that when I start to open up to people, and trust them- they have to leave? Or I have to go?"

~perfect110~

i always knew there was a reason i was friends with perfect...she expressed what i had to say in a way i'm not sure how i would have said it. this summer she's been living with a family and taking care of their kids and she's about to return home...in three weeks i'm leaving to go to college. our last days are coming. she has found a place she absolutely loves and i'm leaving a place i absolutely hate...and hopefully going to a place i love. but leaving the kids here will be difficult and leaving my friends i have found this year....2006...sigh..

this last week i've been thinking alot about how things will be when i'm leaving. everytime someone i babysit for tells me they don't know what they'll do with me gone..up to when jennifer or michelle will tell me how their going to miss me..how their kids are going to miss me. every time amanda asks if i’m going to come to her b-day party..she'll be four..and i have to tell her that’s the day i’m going to be leaving for big girl school....knowing she doesn't really understand what's about to happen...school to her is a few hours a day..three days a week...and she always goes home afterwards...she doesn't understand that i'm leaving for school and will be gone months at a time.

so i've been thinking alot about how i don't wanna leave my church, those kids...my friends...but then the past couple of days being here at home...makes me wanna leave like today! i guess all this babysitting away from home made me forget what it's like to live here in this house with my family. my brother will not stop hitting me...my dad won't leave me alone about the stupid laptop or desktop i'm getting...and my mom just keeps nagging me about stupid things. like yesterday she talked about how she can't stand in that i put all my cds in a little basket. she tells me they'll get ruined and scratched. i told her that's how i want them. i told her i didn't care. it didn't matter what i said she just wouldn't stop...she kept going on and on about how she can't stand how i don't treat my stuff that i buy or ppl buy me with respect. something just as little as a stupid rap cd. and last night i was trying to watch tv while i did my puzzle and my mom was going to go shopping with our neighbor. my brother comes in the room and starts bugging me and i tell my mom not to leave me alone with him. i don't wanna be alone with my brother anymore. he scares me...yah, i said it. i'm scared of my brother. i don't wanna fight with him...but he always bugs me and he can hurt me. i know that. she left and my brother turns on his radio that he hooked to some computer speakers to where i can't hear my tv show. so i take the radio from him and he punches me. i go outside to tell my mom and he locks me out of the house. so my mom has to come back to unlock the door..meanwhile my arm is hurting really bad cause well, he punched me hard. so i grab my keys and leave. i drive around aimlessly for an hr. hoping by the time i get back my mom will be back from shopping. so i come home and it's 10:20 at night, my mom is home...and i don't wanna talk to her so i go to my room and try to go to sleep..it took awhile since i wasn't tired..but i eventully fell asleep...so yah, i wasted gas but it got me out of the house. by the way, i hate driving..esp. if i have no where to go..but that's just become a habit of mine...and i hate it. i would have rather done my puzzle and watched tv.

so anyways many things have been happening around the house lately that make me wanna leave now. i don't know, i'm just tired of listening to all the fighting...

so i'm more ready for college now that i went shopping today. 4 hours of shopping and $130 later i now have 2 pairs of blue jeans, a khaki pair of pants, a blue pair of pants, a pair of crops, 4 nicer shirts, and a dressier pair of tennis shoes, and oh yah....two skirts...so we went to this place that sells used clothes first...they have alot of name brand clothes and so i now have a pair of american eagle blue jeans that were only $15 and my khaki pants are ae too and were $12. so most of the clothes i got were from there. so now i actually have some clothes that are acceptable at the college i'm going too. since i have chapel three times a week and church on sunday i knew i had to get some dressier clothes and since i can't wear sweatpants to class..i knew it was time to find some comfy jeans i like. so there...i'm done for the moment..and i'm so worn out cause i hate shopping, but i am excited that i was able to find all this today.

so what else is new? i'm still babysitting..making at least $75 a week...most of the time more though not for this week cause i couldn't get any extra jobs at night due to vbs. yah, vbs this week was exhausting. they put me with the 3 year olds, i kinda wanted the 5s...but there was 12-14 of them every night and they were the wildest kids ever. i blame it on having vbs at night when kids should be getting to bed...but it was fun being there every night...seeing my friends.

oh and i got my schedule for my classes in the mail yesterday...maybe i'll feel like typing what classes i'll have...sometime but not now. i haven't been on the net much lately...and if i am it's just to check my mail and myspace..but i kinda wish i made more time for this blog thingy. i dunno...things are happening soo fast that when you just take time to stop and capture some of the good moments...it feels nice...and it's better for me to write some good things in here to look back on instead of all the negative...

i'm trying to really decide if i wanna keep writing in here..i know how it's helped me but i know how it's kept me back too. when i write down all my problems down in here, it's a way for me to get it all out. and while that's good, i really just need to talk to someone. and by the time i talk with someone about it, i don't feel like writing about it anymore. i don't know. but yet, i still want to write and keep a journal of all my thoughts and things..but i'd rather it be filled with good memories not the bad ones. like the best times i have while babysitting...or what a child will say to me that just fills me with joy..things like that i wanna remember, not all the fights i have with friends and family.

but since i got started...this is still bugging me...

two weeks ago, my family went to holiday world and i got the house to myself..so when trying to find something to do i called brit..she was at work, would call me back. she called me while walking to the food court. she said she'd call me back cause she was meeting somewhere there for lunch. she called me back again on her way home..told me she was busy, gonna go home and take a nap and pull some weeds..but maybe we could get together sometime the next week and go out to eat. she told me to call her back tomorrow. so i called morgan, who was working also...so i tried calling adrian, she didn't answer...

i called brit back the next day and she promised we'd have lunch or dinner or something next week. so she didn't say a day or anything cause she didn't know her schedule yet...cause she also had to get ready to go to this summer program for the college she's going to be attending.

last week was the next week. my parents, brother, and sister left for michigan and from there woud head to pennsylvania..to visit relatives we hadn't seen in years. i didn't go...i opted to have the whole house to myself for the week. i think it was tuesday...yes. i called morgan to see what she was doing that week. she was over her boyfriend's house..since it was the fourth of july. i was asking if she could spend the night cause i thought maybe i could invited the girls over for a sleepover or something...since i had the house to myself. but she was busy. i asked her about the next night and she actually told me...on the phone that she thought she might be going camping with adrian and britney. so there's not much else to say so we said goodbye. i call britney and she's over adrian's dad's house for some party or something for the fourth. "oh, why don't you come over" brit said...well at least i was invited..but was it only because i called..um, let me check. yes. if i hadn't called...i woudln't have known a thing about it. but yeah, i said i didn't know where adrian's dad lived...and she told me she had to call me back after she got done eating but asked if i was gonna come. i said i didn't know. she never called back..so guess what? i didn't go..but i wanted to. i wanted to know where it was so i could come hang out. even though i was hurt. i went in the bathroom and laid on the floor and cried...cried...and cried some more.

a couple days later i was on stupid myspace and saw brit posted some new pix. and i stupidly clicked on her profile to look at em. they were pix of her, morgan, and adrian..camping..they actually went..and looked like they had lots of fun. and i can't say that didn't hurt...cause it did alot. esp. since morgan told me on the phone and brit posted pix of it. i mean, what more could they do to make me feel more left out??? nothing...they can't possibly do anything else. i mean, i've called them. i've tried to talk to them...tried to invite them over, hang with them...but it just seems like they blow me off every time. how am i supposed to even get to show them that i am a different person if they don't let me?

so then i went back to wishing i could just keep hating them and never called in the first place. that would have been better than to have to live with the pain in my heart.

brit. left for college on sunday so i won't have to see her anymore at church and i doubt she'll call at all..since she didn't before unless she was calling me back and that didn't happen much either. morgan said she was sorry she always seems busy(well too busy for me it seems) but that we'd get together sometime the next week. i have to say it's wed. of next week already and i haven't heard a word from her..and adrian, i kinda don't wanna call her any..or try to talk to her now cause i can't get mad at her...i'll be rooming with her at college. i'd rather just leave her out of this mess right now and just start really getting to know her when we room together. even thought she had a party at her dad's house and britney was invited but i wasn't. sometimes i wonder if i had a cell phone if things would be different. would they call me more?? esp. if i had the same service that doesn't cost them min. would they talk to me more cause it's not costing them?? hmm...or are they always going to be the same as i thought they were. i blame it on the dgroup. being kicked out just separated me for sure and they got used to doing things as a "dgroup" that when the group finally ended after graduation..they didn't end things....and because i haven't been a part of the group for so long...well i guess that means i'm not their friend..hmm

but i do enjoy spending time with michelle and jennifer more but i can't spend all my time with them. they have families and kids and have to spend time with them too. and since michelle moved, i haven't talked to her as much cause she's always busy with things to do around her new house. but babysitting keeps me busy when i do it. it wasn't til thursday of last week that i got a babysitting job...but then i had my regular on fri. and another one after that..then sat. and sun. night. and then the regular marlee, mon, tues, and today..so i've babysat every day for a whole week. i'm off tomorrow and friday though..unless someone else calls..but jennifer called tonight and she said if i get bored tomorrow(cause i'm not babysitting marlee) to give her a call...and i just might cause during the day her husband works so i don't feel as bad as coming over and hanging out with her...last week he was off...all week..so i just didn't go over much, they were doing things as a family.

so i had the house to myself for a whole week but yet nobody came over. i went out..places...haha..no i was babysitting and that's about it. babysitting and pigging out on junk food. i also read alot but didn't spend that much time online. the only thing i seem to do anymore online is email and myspace. yup, quicker things...but i'd rather keep blogging in this, if i give myself enough time to sit down and do it.

but since i got started...this is still bugging me...

two weeks ago, my family went to holiday world and i got the house to myself..so when trying to find something to do i called brit..she was at work, would call me back. she called me while walking to the food court. she said she'd call me back cause she was meeting somewhere there for lunch. she called me back again on her way home..told me she was busy, gonna go home and take a nap and pull some weeds..but maybe we could get together sometime the next week and go out to eat. she told me to call her back tomorrow. so i called morgan, who was working also...so i tried calling adrian, she didn't answer...

i called brit back the next day and she promised we'd have lunch or dinner or something next week. so she didn't say a day or anything cause she didn't know her schedule yet...cause she also had to get ready to go to this summer program for the college she's going to be attending.

last week was the next week. my parents, brother, and sister left for michigan and from there woud head to pennsylvania..to visit relatives we hadn't seen in years. i didn't go...i opted to have the whole house to myself for the week. i think it was tuesday...yes. i called morgan to see what she was doing that week. she was over her boyfriend's house..since it was the fourth of july. i was asking if she could spend the night cause i thought maybe i could invited the girls over for a sleepover or something...since i had the house to myself. but she was busy. i asked her about the next night and she actually told me...on the phone that she thought she might be going camping with adrian and britney. so there's not much else to say so we said goodbye. i call britney and she's over adrian's dad's house for some party or something for the fourth. "oh, why don't you come over" brit said...well at least i was invited..but was it only because i called..um, let me check. yes. if i hadn't called...i woudln't have known a thing about it. but yeah, i said i didn't know where adrian's dad lived...and she told me she had to call me back after she got done eating but asked if i was gonna come. i said i didn't know. she never called back..so guess what? i didn't go..but i wanted to. i wanted to know where it was so i could come hang out. even though i was hurt. i went in the bathroom and layed on the floor and cried...cried...and cried some more.

a couple days later i was on stupid myspace and saw brit posted some new pix. and i stupidly clicked on her profile to look at em. they were pix of her, morgan, and adrian..camping..they actually went..and looked like they had lots of fun. and i can't say that didn't hurt...cause it did alot. esp. since morgan told me on the phone and brit posted pix of it. i mean, what more could they do to make me feel more left out??? nothing...they can't possibly do anything else. i mean, i've called them. i've tried to talk to them...tried to invite them over, hang with them...but it just seems like they blow me off every time. how am i supposed to even get to show them that i am a differnet person if they don't let me?

so then i went back to wishing i could just keep hating em and never called in the first place. that would have been better than to have to live with the pain in my heart.

brit. left for college on sunday so i won't have to see her anymore at church and i doubt she'll call at all..since she didn't before unless she was calling me back and that didn't happen much either. morgan said she was sorry she always seems busy(well too busy for me it seems) but that we'd get together sometime the next week. i have to say it's wed. of next week already and i haven't heard a word from her..and adrian, i kinda don't wanna call her any..or try to talk to her now cause i can't get mad at her...i'll be rooming with her at college. i'd rather just leave her out of this mess right now and just start really getting to know her when we room together. even thought she had a party at her dad's house and britney was invited but i wasn't. sometimes i wonder if i had a cell phone if things would be different. would they call me more?? esp. if i had the same service that doesn't cost them min. would they talk to me more cause it's not costing them?? hmm...or are they always going to be the same as i thought they were. i blame it on the dgroup. being kicked out just separated me for sure and they got used to doing things as a "dgroup" that when the group finally ended after graduation..they didn't end things....and because i haven't been a part of the group for so long...well i guess that means i'm not their friend..hmm

but i do enjoy spending time with michelle and jennifer more but i can't spend all my time with them. they have families and kids and have to spend time with them too. and since michelle moved, i haven't talked to her as much cause she's always busy with things to do around her new house. but babysitting keeps me busy when i do it. it wasn't til thursday of last week that i got a babysitting job...but then i had my regular on fri. and another one after that..then sat. and sun. night. and then the regular marlee, mon, tues, and today..so i've babysat every day for a whole week. i'm off tomorrow and friday though..unless someone else calls..but jennifer called tonight and she said if i get bored tomorrow(cause i'm not babysitting marlee) to give her a call...and i just might cause during the day her husband works so i don't feel as bad as coming over and hanging out with her...last week he was off...all week..so i just didn't go over much, they were doing things as a family.

so i had the house to myself for a whole week but yet nobody came over. i went out..places...haha..no i was babysitting and that's about it. babysitting and pigging out on junk food. i also read alot but didn't spend that much time online. the only thing i seem to do anymore online is email and myspace. yup, quicker things...but i'd rather keep blogging in this, if i give myself enough time to sit down and do it.

"There is a war going on, and your mind is the battlefield...but the good news is that God is fighting on your side."

--bAttlEfiEld oF thE miNd--
**bY: jOycE mEyEr**

no one talks to her, she feels so alone. she's in too much pain to survive on her own.~superchick

i feel all alone like nobody understands, i'm gonna end it tonight i got the whole thing planned~kj-52

...and then the darkness surrounds me, i know i'm alive but i feel like i've died~superchick

im not alright i havent been myself lately. im not ok with the way ive let my thoughts overtake~john reuben

the hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife she writes on her arm wants to give up her life~superchick

you know..sometimes i do wish i wasn't different today..that i could go back to the old person i once was..with all my struggles and sadness..because back then, ppl didn't know and it was all a SECRET...back then i had no friends, the PAIN ppl caused me didn't hurt as much...because back then, i CAUSED all the pain to myself...in many different forms...i wish now that i could just return, because this new ME..has no idea HOW to deal with the pain...how to ESCAPE the lonliness and emptiness without SCRATCHING or CHOKING myself...cause hiding these feelings deep inside only works for so long...because i AM still the SAME person i was a YEAR ago..or two...at least SOME days it really FEELS like that...

"i'm in the corner hiding from life, hoping it will just go away and leave me alone."

-my away message-

it's been a long time since i last wrote and now i don't even know what i want to write about. things are going good most of the time, when i'm away from the house..and when i'm at home...well...i hate it here and college isn't that far away. the only thing is that now i've become closer to jennifer and michelle and then i'll have to leave them. you know the sad thing is right now i just keep thinking about how i'll miss them the most and their kids..and the kids at church...i know i'll miss them more than my family. what kind of person am i to say that? but i'm always gone now it seems like. i've been babysitting on mondays, tuesdays, and fridays and afterwards i've been hanging out at jennifer's and on the days i'm not babysitting. this week there were two days that i stayed home most of the day and it was awful. my mom wouldn't stop nagging me about how i don't wanna be around the family which by the way...i don't!!! and all these things i have to do which i know i have to do..but i just don't wanna do know so i'm putting it off. sunday i went over jennifer's and played with amanda. monday and tuesday i babysat then went over to jennifer's. wednesday i stayed home most of the day, i had a cold too so i wasn't feeling good. my mom kept yelling at me and i went to my room to cry...and then val called. so i actually talked to her a little bit and felt better and went to a jewelry party devon was hosting at her house. i got michelle to pick me up. thursday my brother turned 15 so i HAD to stay home some of the day but in the evening i went over to michelle's to babysit while she packed up cause their moving to their new house tomorrow...they finally sold their old house. today i babysat and took a walk with jennifer at night. just busy busy busy. and being so busy like that gives me little time to sit down and reflect on things..and when i finally do like wednesday..well i break down crying. yup..so mostly things have been going good...but somewhere deep inside i'm the same old me..or so it seems.

tomorrow i'm going over to michelle's to watch her boys again while they move stuff in their new house. but it'll be fun cause i'm gonna swim with them in their neighbor's pool. i hope i'll get home early enough to go over jennifer's cause i haven't seen amanda in awhile and she's been asking for me. when i went over their today to walk with jennifer she was already in bed but when we got home jennifer's husband said amanda got out of bed and she saw my car outside and went looking through the whole house for me. and then cried herself to sleep. so i really wanna spend some time with her tomorrow cause next week i'm going on this church camp sorta thing and i'm leaving right after church and i should be home sometime thursday. i don't know. i'm so exhausted from my busy week but i just wanted to take a little time to myself and type in this thing...cause who knows when i will again.