http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop The 10 most recent public blogs by rain_drop Fri, 29 Aug 2008 16:13:47 -0500 Aeonity Blog v2 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/54557 Living…or just Existing? Splashing into a sea Of hopeful writing… Chasing after dreams Far beyond my reach… Treading the trail Towards peaceful serenity… Shattering the lies Running through my mind… Embracing the solace Thought forever lost… Capturing the wishful words Of an aspiring writer… http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/54557 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/233 Sun, 27 Jan 2008 23:17:28 -0600 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/54409 "image is overrated...if it washes off in the rain. you know you gotta go deeper...to go against the grain" ~krystal meyers my anger got the better of me...and i had to write. no matter how much hw i am putting off right now. i think this is way more important to get out. i just realized that, no matter what i do...they will never like what i like. they will always like that things i don't better..and i just have to live with that. it's been that way my whole life. i've always been different, weird, unique, or a loser. whatever words you choose to call me. i don't care... (((most of the time))) i hate admitting how bad it hurts sometimes just to be my silly, wild, crazy, different self. most of the times, the names people choose to throw my way don't bother me one bit. then there's days like today. sometimes i just want to go back to blending into my surroundings again rather than standing out. when did i become this person that likes to stand out??? i haven't a clue, it's just harder sometimes than other days. sometimes i'm able to laugh at myself more than others. but the fact is, i'll deal. i don't need your acceptance or opinion of who i should be...and i've realized i can change some things about me throughout the course of time and growing older...but the core of who i am will always remain the same...and i am this way for a reason i suppose...though sometimes that reason seems to get blurred...and i find myself wanting to disappear all over again... people will always let you don't. people will constantly disappoint you. you may even think, for a first, you finally have friends. things are looking up. brighter days are ahead. then something you bring up...they have something they think is better. and they leave you for that something better. sure, they invite you to join them in the activity they are about to participate in...but you feel it's wrong, you don't feel you can do that. there's a reason you were doing the thing you were doing. there's a reason you were showing them...because you thought it was cool, enjoyable....maybe even fun. only to have them think of something better and quickly leave you to your solitude. it's ok, most of time you'd prefer the solitude over them...but only most of the time...not all of the time. embracing solace is about embracing a soulful healing. seeking out that layer of healing and comfort in my life and wrapping it all around me. welcoming it into my life. letting it penetrate the very being of me and change everything about me--my outlook, my attitude, my personality. letting god be the one to give me that healing, comfort, and joy in my life that keeps peace and serenity in my life when i seek after him. but the fact is, i'm only human...and i will get let down...and disappointed in people, in their actions, their choices...and just the very personality of them. i can say things don't bother me when they truly do...i can feel wrong for being this way...but it happens. and when the tears form in the corners of my eyes...that's when i know it's over. i will not cry. not over something as silly, stupid...and as small as this. not this at all. it's just music. what's the big deal? why is it so important to me? i've been through things much worse than this and often times have felt the pain of not being able to cry. just wishing i could let out some kind of emotion so that i could know i was still real. so that i could find comfort and healing in tears...but it often took something else to trigger those tears. so why now? at something so insignificant as this? often times i don't understand myself...or the reason i let others offend or hurt me. and they go about innocently...not knowing that anything's wrong...and i will never tell them. and because it's not a big deal...i will soon forget and life will move on again. but just for that one moment, i wonder...why....why do i allow the actions and words of others to hurt me??? i think it all leads back to our human nature as people and how we long for acceptance and love from others. no matter how much we claim we hate people or don't care what others think...we do, don't we? as much as i would hate to admit it, tonight my eyes have been opened about how even i, long for the acceptance of others…but i am firm and know i will not conform to their standards of things to be accepted. i know i may be a bit vague on certain things...but at least i understand what i'm trying to say. so…here i am left. i will not do what they do...i will continue doing what i do. they will leave me...and what now? i guess that is where i am stuck now....hoping to embrace the solace....in the calm and in the quiet...letting the words and actions of others to wash over me....and continue to stand firm in my beliefs and the strong person that i am today. http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/54409 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/232 Wed, 23 Jan 2008 19:20:10 -0600 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/54229 "i see you standing there, with your eyes cast down. i see you drowning in the pain. i see you wondering, looking so afraid. trying to disguise the shame..." ~lindsey kane "i know you're past the point of breaking into pieces...i know you feel, like there's no reason even worth this...and when you cry, the tears that fall don't even touch your pain" ~cadia "as i rest against this cold, hard wall will you pass me by will you criticize me as i sit and cry? i had fought so hard and thought that all my battles has been won only to find the war has just begun … will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a life time is there any way to be made whole again if i'm healed, renewed and find forgiveness find the strength i've never had will my scars forever ruin all god's plan?" ~stacie orrico if you're living, if you're breathing…you go something to say. you know if you're heart is beating…you got something to say… … listen up, i got a question here, would anybody miss you if you disappeared? well you're life is the song that you sing and the whole wide world is listening." ~matthew west how is it that i'm on my face again devastated by this trap i'm in when will i walk in freedom from this sin walk away, from all the shame ~lindsey kane rumor is, she's some kind of dream nobody really knows, she cries herself to sleep we are not that different from each other we just want somebody to discover who we really are when we drop our guard ~joy williams i've been looking up myspace music to listen to and i found some new favorite songs of mine...for the week anyways...that's pretty much all, nothing really more...or maybe i'm just too scared to write any of my own thoughts and such tonight. too scared to discover what lies in the depths of my heart and soul...too scared to see what's really important. i'd rather just avoid the mess all together...so much for being any kind of writer at all… but if i was going to keep writing...for anybody who might read this, i might have something else to say....the least i could do it try... like for example...isn't it kind of strange how someone you could have known your whole life is now someone completely different and has changed, not for the good. it's sad...and it's sickening to me that he could be like this...and be doing those things. that's life. i know. that's the things he deals with going to the school he goes to, the people he hangs out with. it's not that big of a deal. except it is. these past two days i realized how much i do not know or understand about my own brother. and it saddens me...but it makes me realize i do care about him. i do care what happens to him. i don't want him getting arrested, calling home at 3 in the morning while getting picked up by the police. i don't really wanna believe he's been smoking weed or drinking....buying stolen ipods, drugs, or stealing bikes and who knows what else...yet it's all there...on his myspace. his hidden life. his lies exposed as truth. but not for the world to see...not for me to really know. except i do...i do now. and i am left to wonder if some of it is just talk to impress or fit in with these people or if he really is doing this. and my heart sinks as i realize it has to be true. it just has to be. why would he be lying on his myspace, where he doesn't think anybody can see the messages he's sending everybody...*sigh* my mind is tired and weary now...i think i'll stop here... http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/54229 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/231 Fri, 18 Jan 2008 20:40:16 -0600 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/53971 my life is a puzzle right now, a mystery. there's no other way to describe the confusion i feel right now. and as cliche and redundant as those phrases are...i realize why they are what they are...because it's true. it's relevant. it's me. and that is all… http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/53971 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/230 Thu, 10 Jan 2008 19:41:03 -0600 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/53762 the past three days have been busy but great. as much as i'd like to just sit and relax...i love being busy with babysitting and such as well. kids are the most amazing thing in the world...and i love every minute i get to spend with them. wed. i babysat the girls, raegan and laniey. we had fun as usual with singing hannah montana, watching hannah montana, and playing with the hannah montana barbies. oh yeah, we did other things too, like coloring and playing polly pocket. after i was done babysitting i headed over to michelle's house. it was good. her boys and i watched high school musical then they went to spend the night at their grandparents house. so i was just me, michelle, and baby seth. we got a chance to talk a bit, but then i sadly had to return home. thurs. i babysat the girls again and the fun from wed. was repeated. as well as jen telling me the good news...she's pregnant again. i'm so happy for her...it's exciting...after i was done babysitting i called morgan cause she wanted to hang out with me before i went back to school. so she came over my house and we watched a movie..and talked alot. haha. it's surprising to me how different things are with me and her. i've known her since 1st grade, we fought quite a bit in middle school but were still friends. in high school we drifted apart quite a bit..but by senior year we still talked when we saw each other at church. then first year of college i didn't talk to her at all i don't think...and now all of the sudden i'm still at school but we talk on the phone or online some..and when i come back, we hang out...like we did this day. so it's kinda fun. it's like i have an old friend of mine back..and she really is an old old friend. friday i had to get up super early to babysit jacob at 6:30 am. at 7 we watched high school musical 2. i was excited. great way to wake me up! i loved it as much as i loved the first i think. i don't know. i can't decide. i think i'm just stuck on how cool it is cause all the kids i know like it...and jacob, at age 4...loves that movie. it's really fun to watch him sing. then after i went home i took a really long nap, 4 hours..ya know. and then i went back over to babysit jacob and amanda this time. it was just more bundles of fun. what i loved most about it was putting them to bed. not because bed is fun, but just the whole process for me, is sorta fun..and enjoyble. i don't know how else to describe it. but i get to read stories to them...i read to amanda first. then i read her a bible story and when it was time for prayer time, she asked me to pray first. and i don't pray aloud very much, except in the presense of young kids..i don't know, it seems somewhat special that way. the way they look up to me and no matter what i say, it's the right thing because they look up to me. but when it came time for amanda's turn to pray..she's so sweet. she prayed that i'd be safe returning to college and thanked god that i had time to come over and play with her over break. when putting jacob to bed, he prayed sort of the same thing. he prayed that i'd be safe...children just impact me so much in life... i don't know where'd i'd be if i didn't have all these children in my life. life just wouldn't make sense without them. it just shows me how torn i'll be again when returning to school and not being able to see these kids...babysit them. put them to bed...and most importantly pray with them. for them. it's so special...and i just love it. i have no more words to describe this amazing experience...the lyrics at the top of this page..."keep on keeping on believing" is just what i'm doing. keeping on believing. holding to the faith. how could i not after a day of babysitting like this??? moments like this are to be treasured...and remembered...forever. so, i'll just leave it at that... http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/53762 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/229 Sat, 05 Jan 2008 00:33:22 -0600 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/53633 it's a new year now...and all night i had been thinking...so what!? really, what's the big deal. it's just another month, another day. or maybe it is a big deal and every day should be celebrated as much, as a new day...for new resolutions. this day will be better than the last, rather than this year will be better than last. but then i suppose i've had too much time to think last night. jen talked about me coming over and watching a movie. however, i tried calling her, left a message and she never called back. so i ended up staying here, at home...bored. which is why i'm writing now. all this time at home has led me to non-stop thinking about crazy things like new year's and other such things. i remembered to call michelle today but she didn't answer....but she did call back and said they had just came home from the hospital, seth is better right now, he's not completely fine...but better. out of the hospital anyways. michelle sounded drained so i wasn't gonna talk to her much but then she started asking about me, like she always does. and when i told her i was up til 5 am last night she wanted to know why...and she's a really good friend of mine, so as sick as i was of talking about the things i wrote about last night, i couldn't not tell her...so i did...i talked about how people have just been bugging me lately and talking about my future and that's caused me to keep thinking about it lately...and it's driving me crazy. that and the fact that i might want to work with youth at church, something i stated very clearly in high school that i would never do. that makes it that much harder to surrender to something for me when i make a statement to myself and to others like that. she completely understood though. she told me she always said she'd never put her boys in public school and now she's thinking she might have too and it's hard. so talking to her was a great thing. we also talked about how if it's something god wants me to do i should do it...and i told her i feel like everyone else is giving me their opinion on what i should do, but she made a good point that maybe god is using other people talking to me to influence me and impact me on the decision i've been thinking about making. why didn't i think of that? i just felt so stupid. of course i know god uses people to talk to others..and well, the fact is i also admitted i know what i've been needing to do, i just put it off and when i try it's just so hard for me...and that's to pray. last night when i stayed up really late i watched hannah montana episodes til like 4:30 in the morning cause i was tired of thinking and these things bugging me. so i thought it's late enough, i should be able to just sleep...but i was wrong. because again, i was putting god off, the only one who could give me peace and rest right? it's not that i don't believe now, i try to...it's just really hard sometimes. especially being at home. and i don't want to face god because i don't want to face the pain, the tears, and the emotions that come along with all of it. but last night i did try. at 5 in the morning i just broke down and cried because i couldn't ignore it anymore..and i tried as hard as i could to pray. i really did...and after a few moments of just letting the tears and frustration mingle down my cheeks, i felt more at peace...and was able to sleep... and then while i've thought alot about things again today...they haven't seemed as overwhelming and frustrating. and i'll have to thank michelle a bunch later for being a part of that. as much as i don't want to talk to people about these things...i realized how much of a help they are just to listen...and to talk to me. and with as much as she has going on with her life and seth...i was just calling to make sure seth was ok and that she was...and she turns around and helps me in the greatest way ever. she's just such a great friend to me...and i appreciate her and love her so much. i can't live in the past anymore, i realize that..and i know i can't worry about the future...so the best i can attempt to do right now, is just live in the present, take each day, each moment...as they come and enjoy and learn from it all...from every experience thrown my way... and that's all i really have to say for tonight... http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/53633 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/228 Tue, 01 Jan 2008 00:17:05 -0600 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/53614 actually....i think i've been thinking too much lately...about writing among other things...but let's focus on writing. and how i haven't been doing enough of it. it's hard to see the effects at first, but now...i am simply going crazy. to say the least. i'm so caught up in capturing a "moment" or a "memory" that i have lost what writing did for me at first. released my thoughts. released my emotions. so here is me...doing just that. now, what? it's so hard to start, but once i start, i know it'll be hard to stop. things are just crazy right now and i am driving myself crazy. i think that it's because lately i've been saying no to hanging out with people and giving excuses. i'm glad i only have one more week here, otherwise i'm sure my current living would really be damaging to the progress i've already started. i have just realized today what is really going on and i'm going to try hard and stop it this week. i am babysitting some, that will help. but i think i'm going to try calling morgan or adrian back and ask them if they wanna get together. more so with morgan since i will see adrian again soon. but i really felt bad the other night after saying no to a movie with them...it was just weird for me first of all to receive that kind of phone call. i guess it's still all kind of new to me that morgan would want to hang out with me again. i has been so long...but we've been through so much. baby seth went to the hospital last night, i found out today during church..and i didn't call michelle today to see how he was doing. i feel really bad about that, like a horrible friend. instead i thought, i really don't feel like talking to anybody right now...even though i wanted to know if he was ok...so instead i took a four hr nap on the couch...and still didn't call her. now it's much too late. i really hope i remember tomorrow...after i pull my lazy self out of ed after noon or something. i went to the movies with michelle and her boys friday and seth has smiled at me before..but this was the first time he continually smiled at me really big and was laughing...he also was sticking his tongue out at me. it was soo cute...and i haven't been able to get that image of of my mind, me looking down on him...his mouth wide open...in a beautiful sort of grin... another thing i can't stop thinking about is working with youth. it seems crazy because our small group leaders at church would try to teach us things for when we would one da lead our own group..and i always said i would never do that. out loud i made that clear. kids we're always something i'd be involved with, never the teenagers. so not only am i in conflict with myself, whether i really believe i can do this, whether or not i think god wants me to do this..but i also have to swallow my pride and admit to ppl that yes, i've been thinking about this. and then, i have to hear what they say. and i kinda wish i hadn't entertained the idea of me doing this in the first place, because the i could just get it out of my head and it'd leave me alone..but that is not the case. and it's driving me crazy...and i know what i need to do, i just won't... i guess what's bugging me the most is all this time i have to think and be by myself...it's just so unusual...and it's been happening for too long now...and i haven't turned to writing yet, the thing that has kept me for the most part, sane....for many years now it seems. maybe one day i can learn to turn to god in the same way. one might think that my writing is sort of my way of talking to "him" to make up for a way i can't quite express yet...but i'm still learning and growing...and struggling... as short as this seems to me right now...it's good for now...because weariness have overwhelmed me now...and hopefully i can write some more in here soon...hopefully it won't be so long...this is probably a good way to wrap up the end of the year 2007 as well...writing about, well writing... http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/53614 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/227 Mon, 31 Dec 2007 01:40:27 -0600 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/53112 i'm sick of this place already...i want to go back to school now. i just came home wed. night...and i want to go back. i still have 3 weeks left here. 3 whole weeks... this blog will center on an incident between my father and i. something i think about often, well i used to. now the memory fades in and out in the back of my mind when people ask about him. this one incident i would term as "abusive" if i were allowed to say such a thing. other than that, i'm unsure really if i could say he was or not. because he wasn't really, he liked to discipline alot and he went about it the wrong way...but was i asking for all the times he struck me with the belt? what is abuse really? and how far does discipline go before you cross the line? these are thoughts i've been struggling with for awhile now. how to define my father. because as much as i say i hate him...as much as i say i will always hate him for all the years he hurt me...i wonder, was he really that bad? or was i just being the usual defiant teenager who never listened? so here i am saying now, that no matter what i've said on here before, he's not as bad as i've probably made him out to sound. that doesn't mean i don't still hold hard feelings to him, i do...it just means, i know there's alot of kids out there who’ve had it worse...and i wanted to say that before i painted this ugly and gruesome picture of him. because i've been told many a times before that i am dramatic...and i think that reflects in my writing. many a valentine's ago....waiting for my cousins to show up. my dad is sitting in the living room. reading a paper...i am in my room but we've been fighting for some time now. i can't remember exactly how old i was, though i can tell you i was still in braces at the time. so my dad is saying something to my brother about me. talking bad about me. telling my brother how bad of an example i am...going on and on about this stuff. the anger burns within me. how dare he? how dare he say this to my brother? i run out of my room and prepare to do something i will regret forevermore.... "shut-up" i yell straight in his face... and then it was over. i pushed him to the limit this time, screaming at him to shut-up and screaming right in his face. the second i get the words out he lifts his hand and smacks it across my cheek. it stings. it burns...and then i taste the blood. i try to open my mouth and it seems to be stuck. i run to the bathroom scared out of my mind as i taste the blood filling my mouth. i let it drip out of my mouth into the sink....red blood....dripping all over the white sink. i look in the mirror and see the inside of my cheek is stuck in my braces. as i open my mouth, the flesh tears and i spit out the small chunks of skin into the sink. i am still in shock when my dad walks in behind me. looking like he's somewhat in shock himself he says nothing. he doesn't help either. he just stands there....watching me. i want to slam the door in his face. i want him to leave. i want to disappear. but, i’m bleeding, i’m injured…. i am too tired to retaliate…and sadly, i’ve realized he has won. And I don’t know what hurts worse, the physical pain of his hand across my cheek…or the fact that i’ve lost the fight with him this time. as the hatred is still bubbling inside of me...he says something like. "well i guess you got what you deserved" and i try as hard as i can to keep the tears from spilling down my cheeks as well. i would hate for him to see me weak, to see me cry. i try to remain tough and unchanged...but it's hard as i feel the pain...it stings. if i didn't have braces at the time, a slap across the cheek wouldn't have done much to hurt me...but because the braces cut the inside of my cheek and tore off skin...i was left in pain for the rest of the day...and i didn't think much about the fact that i could have been left with a bruise... but then monday morning, getting ready for school i look in the mirror once again...and there it is, a big bruise on my cheek...a stain of another broken holiday for the whole world to see...how would i explain it to the kids at school? luckily i didn't have to. see the week before i walked the school hallways sporting a huge bruise on my arm, this one from a fight my brother and i got into. so people who asked about my bruise asked in a way like this..."did you and your brother get in a fight again" and it was easier to say yes then to admit the truth of this new bruise on my face….it was easier to agree to their assumptions than to say, “no, my dad gave me this shiner”. the whole week i walked around with that embarrassing bruise on the side of my face. i don't think i told anyone at the time the truth of that. was i ashamed? yes, more than ever. because if i told them my dad hit me, then what? and i had keep questioning whether his action was justified or not....now i think absolutely not, no matter how many ugly words i yelled at him...but at the time, i was unsure. and i didn't want to tell people i screamed in my dad's face...because, him giving me a bruise was somewhat out of the ordinary...but me yelling at him....that was something that happened almost daily….and sometimes…even more than that. but many people didn't know that. i kept most of my home life a secret until my later high school years. i was too embarrassed...to ashamed. i thought people, like at church, would try to fix me...and i thought it was none of their business...because i hated my dad and i always would. and even now, i still harbor that hatred in my heart. and i wonder what it'll take to let it go. maybe several more writings...like this one...or maybe just time…and change. but i don't wanna write about things like this for awhile. this was hard enough. and now it's time to put that one valentine's day to rest. not for long though, because next february, i will be reminded of the memory once again....and the emotional pain will hurt...like it has all the past years...but here's another memory..... ....s.e.t....f.r.e.e..... http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/53112 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/226 Sun, 16 Dec 2007 21:02:02 -0600 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/52834 another long lost memory caught in the depths of my mind... christmas break, i can't recall how many years ago. but in an attempt to not be so afraid and alone, i call morgan to see if she wants to hang out...but she's too busy for me. i can't blame her, i'm no fun, especially at this low point in my life. the pain fills my being once again. i can't do anything about it...there's nothing i could possibly do to stop the aching in my heart so i do only what i know i can do. something that will take over the emotional ache in my heart and fill my being with something real, something physically painful. something that i have a reason to complain about. i scratch the surface of my skin with my nails....relief does not come too quickly this time. the emotional pain is too much to bear. i look around the room for sharper objects, something that will hurt worse but won't make me bleed. something that is safe and unsafe at the same time. my keys. quickly i grab those and dig them into my tender flesh...and it has left it's mark while the skin slowly raises and turns red....in time, it'll fade...but now, in this very moment....the mark left on my skin for the world to see the depth of my pain. and still, not satisfied i race to the bathroom, lock the door and sink to the floor. i open one of the drawers and a nail file is in my hand and before i know what is happening, the incident with my nails and the keys is repeated. the tears are spilling down my cheeks and i'm caught wondering if this really does help. if it really does satisfy me for the moment...i can still feel the emotional hurt...does that mean i should continue with this? finding sharper and more painful objects until i go completely numb and fade into nothing….slip away forever… the moment soon comes. i open the shower curtain and grab the precious razor. my mind back flashes to all the stories i've read of the "cutters" out there. the ones who have no other choice. even my online friend, perfect110, from here and other places...even she cuts the skin to move on with life, to get over things. so what was stopping me from being just like them? what was really stopping them? all these friends i've made in this online world of mine…all of them struggle with it, so why can't i??? clenching my fists and holding tight to the relief that exists in my hands i continue to just cry and cry and i can't stop myself anymore. it's hard to breathe. i feel suffocated. and in that very moment i hold my left hand out...i stare at the raised marks on my skin from my previous explosion. i hold the green razor cautiously to my skin, feeling it's cold blades against my tender skin...imagining what it'd be like for it to cut deep into my skin. just playing around with the idea in my head while i'm crying out for relief and something to stop the hurt. minutes go by as i toy with the idea of just getting it over with...done with. and doing the very thing i promised myself i'd never doing. flirting with this evil, what had i succumbed myself to!?! and then the songs i listen to, their lyrics just flowing through my head right now... ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ "the hurt she can’t handle overflows to a knife…she writes on her arm wants to give up her life" ~Superchick "my arms are sliced up..but I'm not embarrassed…it's the only way I get attention now from my parents" ~KJ-52 "I'm tired of feeling so numb...relief exists I find it when, I am cut" ~Plumb "She's the girl that sits in the back Dark shirt and her hair is black She cuts herself but ya can't see that Long sleeves they hide the facts" ~KJ-52 "something's gone wrong in my head...i wish i was dead…the cuts on my wrist bled..." ~Cross Movement "I let it go to breathe...I can't take it anymore...I refuse to wake up one more time, bleeding on the floor" ~Krystal Meyers "You come to me with your scars on your wrist...you tell me this will be the last night feeling like this" ~Skillet "Needing so much more than tomorrow...as she stares at the scars on her wrist" ~Plumb ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ all these people who have struggled deeply with the very temptation that i was about to surrender to...did i want to be just like them. yes. i believe i did. the thought seemed fitting for a person like me. the idea...very tempting. even what i did struggle with seems like not much compared to the depth of emotion and pain found in songs like this… but going back to that night, no i never did cut the skin...i never did make myself bleed. the razor just touched my skin...and felt really good sitting there, but i did not give into that. while i scratched at the surface many times and i thought about cutting several times after that, never was the temptation as great as it was that night. never again would i like to experience that. even though i've come to realize that what i was doing was still as great of a temptation and was still as wrong...i've learned and moved on since then. it's still something i think about, sometimes almost weekly...every time life seems too much. it has becoming a coping mechanism with me and a continued fight and struggle in my life. but it's been months..since may actually, since i've given into that temptation. and i hope to continue to remain strong...as strong as i did that night with the razor. if i were asked to think about one of the hardest moments in my life, that night would be one of them. it was the night i seriously couldn't decide whether or not i wanted to bleed...it was almost as if i was thinking about my own suicide. at least that's how it feels now and if i were to tell you any differently, i would feel like i'm betraying you with the words on this page... another memory freed from my mind...and i'll end with a more hopeful quote from one of my favorite songs... "you will bring beauty from my pain" ~superchick i wholeheartedly believe this now... http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/52834 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/225 Sat, 08 Dec 2007 14:26:21 -0600 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/52669 more so on here than ever, i want this place to be a place where i can capture moments in time. for so long this was a place to record memories, a journal of some sorts...but now, i want so badly to describe those times in my life when i was hurting so deeply that i could not stand the pain, the moments i thought i was going to die, the painful memories. why i want to preserve these with words that shall forever haunt me i have no clue. i just have this crazy desire to do it. so i have...and so i must. whether these moments span from a few minutes to an hour...they are memories nonetheless that need to be spoken about. that need a voice. maybe they just need to be expressed and freed from my soul so that, i...may continue to live...and be happy. thanksgiving night. after a stressful day with family, family and more family...i return to my room, the prison for my soul, yet, doubling as an escape. the only place in that house where i can close and lock the door...and hope to be left all alone. completely and solely, by myself. except for when my sister's sleeping there. but she spent the night over the cousin's. so all alone i was. it's been so long, the memory is a bit fuzzy now...but something was going on with my brother. there was loud yelling and screaming. doors were being slammed...and i was trying so hard to block out the noise. so hard to just make it through the night without hurting myself. looking down at my arms, the flashbacks returned. my dull and short nails would not do in a time like this, i would have to resort to a nail file or perhaps keys like i have in the past. the plan was forming in my head before i could seem to stop it. the devil had his hold on my once again...and....ah...i gasped. i came to the realization of what was about to happen, and i for one, was not going to go through with it, no matter how bad i seemed to want to. the anger seeming to build up in my trembling hands i knew i had to do something. this anger needed to get out, and not through hurting myself. i turned up my music. i tried to block out the condemning voices and noises of the past. and before i knew it, i was down on the ground. keeping my hands so busy and releasing the anger in a more healthy way. push ups. and when that wasn't enough, crunches were my next exercise. the way i could clench my fists tightly as i went up and down was a release i had yet to experience. and before i knew it, i was tired...my physical body was exhausted and my emotions were spent. i knew i had one this time. my hands were tired, my anger soon passed...but i might not be so lucky next time. the release of tears soon washed away the bad memories of that awful thanksgiving day. and i hope never to experience that again. yet i know those times shall come again...and hopefully i will be prepared...and not defeated….i made it through that one night….and i will continue to make it through many more… ahh...i feel so much better now after getting that moment in time down. hopefully i will continue with many more...until then... http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/blog/52669 http://www.aeonity.com/rain_drop/224 Mon, 03 Dec 2007 21:54:30 -0600