it's late and i wish i could go to sleep but i can't. i have so much on my mind. so much to think about. so much i wish i could talk to someone about. so much that i wish someone would care about and ask me about and just want to listen to me.

but there is no one.
i am all alone.
again.

it was only a matter of time. it's kinda ironic that the mood randomly came up "unwanted" because that's exactly how i feel right now. sitting alone in the dark of my dorm room. the room i've been in ever since 3 this afternoon when my classes were done with, except for the small walk i took outside.

i want to go back home really bad now. and i don't know why. i don't want to live at home, but i really miss the church, the people, my friends, and the kids. last weekend i got to go home and hold michelle's new baby and it was the most amazing experience ever. and i have no clue why. it's like the first baby i really know in years, probably since my sister and she's now 12! i don't know why all these years i've steered clear of all the babies at church and went straight to working with preschoolers...

but i know one thing and one thing only from that experience.

as i was holding this 3 week old baby boy, staring at how peacefully he was sleeping in my arms...as the tears formed in my eyes...i saw the beauty in this baby..i saw the wonder...i saw a life. a life of importance. and i realized my life was important as well..and for the first time in who knows, maybe forever, i realized my life is definitely worth living. to experience moments like that one, definitely makes my life worth living..and i want to live to experience more moments like this. to watch this young baby grow up just like his brothers.

and it couldn't have come at a better time.

a couple of weeks ago suicidal thoughts ran through my head more than i can ever remember before. and i knew exactly the way to do it. and not to tell anyone...so that i would succeed. and i feel sick admitting this..because it just shows how low i've sank since i've been off my anti-depressants...and it makes me question whether that was a good idea or not..whether or not i was really reliant on the pills to the point where i was thinking i really must need them to be ok...but i am ok without them right? that's why the doctor weened me off...but my thoughts often contridict one another.

and then the week after that all i could think about was hurting myself again...i realized i didn't want to actually kill myself, just hurt myself...forget that i'm 20 now and i promised myself i wouldn't return to my teenage habits. it's still only been 5 months...the longest i've went before was half a year...never yet a whole year...and i wanted more than ever to dig my nails into my skin. instead i just let the tears flow, the pain in my heart hurt..and i sat up and wrote michelle the stupidest email ever...and i worried her really bad. and i wish i hadn't. cause i want to believe that i've changed. i want to believe i'm better...and she had nothing to say to me except conseling...counseling...the words repeated...over and over again. but can i blame her? if someone like that was talking to me, i'd be scared to say anything. i am so screwed up.

so then why is it so hard. and why do i still have to fight these thoughts, feelings, urges...to destroy myself???

is my life really that bad?

and as much as holding that baby, it made me realize the importance of life, i have to question my own thoughts, sometimes they seem to have a mind of their own...either that or i'm demon possessed or something like that. seriously. it may feel like that...walking around like i'm living...but only existing...day after day. just waiting for it all to end.

i can't write anymore. it's been so long since i've really wrote like this..and it's too much. it's too painful. maybe a few more entries like this and i'll be fine. ok. i hope it helps with my anger. because it seems like i carry alot of hatred and anger around wherever i go. and it's miserable. it's killing me..maybe not physically, but emotionally...

...i seriously don't know how much more of this i can take...


*deep breath*

```ok, i'm gone for now```

♥ rain_drop